Does My Ex Girlfriend Have BPD? Left for someone else 4 and a half months ago.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

6 year relationship. Tried killing herself January, alcohol abuse, cocaine abuse. I stood by her through thick and thin. Put up with emotional and verbal abuse for months. Typical things where 'you don't care about me' 'I hate you' 'your a f**cking p**ck' 'what have I got to live for' 'you'll all get over it if I kill myself'. She'd be extremely paranoid, questioning me over and over about trivial nonsensical things. She'd repeat herself 3/4 times in a conversation. I paid her cocaine debt because she begged for my help. I do this and spend 2 weeks nurturing her, cooking her good food, walks in the fresh air, making sure she got enough sleep, after one binge to many. She's was on citalopram (not sure if she still is). I take her awayr for her bday at the end of these 2 weeks. Spoil her rotten and everything was great. More in love than ever. Tells me how much she loves me etc. 2 days after returning home becomes distant. Says she wants to be alone, she loves me, I'll never lose her she just needs space. Then find out there's another guy and has been for a while. I confront her at her home after she dumped me by text and ignored my calls for s week. She laughs at me the whole time I pour my heart out and really pays little to no attention to what I'm saying. Looking in people's windows who she knows etc. 'I can't believe you've come here' she said laughing. I return home heartbroken. She says she loves me with all her heart and always will, but 'not like that'. Cop out excuse for her new guy. She's still sniffing cocaine, drinking, not daily I doubt but regularly. Her new boyfriend is living at her mother's house with her and has been from near enough the beginning. I heard her brother owes money out for cocaine and attacked her mother. I text her to make sure she's ok and her mother. No reply. Ignorance. Will it last? Shows traits of BPD? Narcissistic? Never had an apology or genuine admitall of guilt either. I was loyal to this girl when most men would of ran.


I'll outline her behaviour over the years together.

- very intense first few months, madly in love, me 17/18 her 16/17. Moved into her mother's house within a few months (young, dumb)

- strong sense of ownership from her. If I went out with friends I was picking them over her, if I didn't come back when I said I was all hell would break loose, she'd ring me every 10 minutes asking me where I was etc

- chronic cannabis habit from her. I smoked, but it wasn't a problem. She had terrible mood swings, emotionally unstable. Her father is in a home from drinking himself to dementia, she has seen her mother be abused, im almost certain she has been abused herself but she wouldn't admit that

- she quit cannabis. Doting girlfriend. Did my washing, cleaning, made me sandwiches. Typical girlfriend stuff. Still always seemed like treading on egg shells. You had to be careful what you said and who you mentioned for fear of her flying off the handle

- if I mentioned things I liked or people, she'd 9 times out of 10 demonise it or them. Or quite plainly say she couldn't care less what I was saying.

- Over our last month's together (Depression started in December) suicide attempts (taking 60+ paracetamols on 2 occasions within 2 weeks) alcohol binges, to the point of blacking out, erratic cocaine use. These are just the things I know she was doing. God only knows what else. She'd ring me saying she was sad and didnt no why. I tried my best to understand and console her. Sometimes I'd deny depression existed and insisted there must be a trigger. She insisted it just happens. I put up with her verbal abuse, once or twixe when drunk she became physical. She knew how to push my buttons and get me angry to the point where I had to walk out a few times. Everything when she left was so much improved. I'd spent 2 weeks keeping her sober, getting her sleeping pattern in check as she hadn't slept properly in months

NOT one sign there was another guy, not one sign she felt any differently about me even though when she ended it by text she said she'd been feeling like it 'for a while'. She was in fact closer to me than ever. She made a point of staying the night we got back from her birthday weekend away, knowing she wouldn't see me for a week due to work commitments. She made sure she stayed that night. We woke up hand in hand like most times and that was the last time she stayed at my home.


She left me for another guy and has pretty much ignored me ever since. Last time we did speak we parted on good terms. She said she'd always love me etc. I then told her not to contact me unless it's about reconciliation (stupid I no) I contacted her a month after this saying I think I was a bit hasty saying don't contact me again unless it's about us. Offered friendship, said we could meet up for a coffee or something when she was ready. Completely ignored. I then hear about her brother attacking her mother. Then leaving there family home as he owes people money for cocaine himself. I expressed my concern and just wanted to no they were both ok. Ignorance again. So I've gone back to no contact. It seems that me being loyal, sticking by her, putting up with a unprecedented amount of verbal, emotional abuse over a sustained period and all o did was try and help the girl. She accepted my help though that is what is frustrating. But she obviously wasn't really ready to change as she is still using alcohol and cocaine. When before she had major issues with both. Surely you can't go from having major issues, to be able to do it recreationally like you or me. Factoring in her depression aswell.


I agree I should run a mile. And I have to a certain extent. I won't contact her again and I won't involve myself in her life. I'd just like some kind of clarity on why she acted the way she did towards the end not just during the relationship. There was no signs of her not 'loving me but not being in love with me'. Certainly no sign of another guy in the picture. She called on me and leaned on me for everything. Being it a shoulder to cry on, , someone to verbally abuse or rant it. No matter what it was. I saw the girl I loved try and kill herself, and systematically destroy herself in front of my very eyes and it's like she didn't think it affected me at all. Now she's 'moved on' and is 'happy with herself for once', it's like she just wants to Bury it like it never happened. I NEVER could of done anything like she had done to me, to her. Even if I had no feelings for the girl, I'd have enough respect for the years we shared to treat her with as much dignity as possible. After I stood by her through all of that, I was chucked. And when she did end it (March 27th) when we'd been celebrating her birthday (March 15-17th) in London, closer than ever. Then BOOM, my life is flipped upside down. So people agree her behaviour screams BPD? Surely she must have some kind of mental disturbance to do what she has done to me, never mind her self destructive behaviour towards herself


She was with me for 6 years though so did that by the end of it mean nothing? She didn't ever thank me for sticking by her, even when I asked her to. She never apologised for her downright disgusting treatment of me. I was by no means the perfect boyfriend, but who is? When called upon, I stood by her when most men would of ran I stood. Did everything and anything possible to help her. How she has managed to cut me loose like she has, move on to a new guy, move him in to her mother's house almost straight away, and then ignore me when I show concern about something I've heard. Not even 'im fine, thanks for your concern'. Why is that impossible for her?

When she broke my heart, I said everyone we know/knew now knows what you are ' they all love me' she replied. I said who loves you, 'everyone so f**k off'. She then proceeded to say I was crazy, how ironic when she was the one with mental health issues?

I wonder if this new relationship she is in will last. For her sake not for me getting back together with her etc. She'll be painting the picture now that's she's worth it and amazing no doubt. They've been together 4 months or so officially. I'm sure he knows she lied to him, said she hadn't seen her ex in a year, she was with me 3/4 days a week. She said she was going to stay with her aunt, to him and her friend, she was with me as I cared for her and nurtured her after her latest binge where she begged for my help. This is when she took the 100 pounds off me to pay her cocaine debt knowing full well she was at the very least emotionally cheating on me. This is not the actions of a well person wouldn't you agree?


When I think more deeply into her behaviour it screams BPD in so many ways. I always used to tell her to 'grow up'. This was when she'd cause arguments over absolutely nothing. Make issues where there didn't need to be any etc. When her face told a thousand stories about her mood, she'd look drawn out and down in the dumps. I'd ask what's wrong, 'I'm fine, there's nothing wrong' but there quite obviously was. I'd always say just tell me what's the matter 'nothing I'm fine'. She'd take things I said far to seriously. If I'd make a joke about her or something sher did in a light hearted manner she'd take it badly and flip out. Her drinking was out of control, she'd drink a bottle of wine like water. She came to the point of begging me for one more drink. She rang her father up (who is in a home due to alcohol abuse), to tell him she tried to kill herself, while she's extremely intoxicated herself). I tried to stop her from ringing him and she lashed out at me twice. Then cried her eyes out. I held her in my arms.

She would sit there itching for a drink. I'd say here you go take the money and go and get a bottle. 'No you'll hold it against me'. She's not alcohol dependent but she's a alcoholic. Does this certify even more that my thinking is correct that she has BPD? The inability to admit she's done wrong to, admit things she knows are true because she is ashamed, even to close friends. She flat our denied there was anyone else until she was caught out and even then it was a one word 'yes' answer when confronted. She proceeded to tell me I was Crazy, obsessed and needed help when she ended things and I found out about the other guy, how she'd used me and lied to me for weeks, possibly months on end. When asked why she came away with me for her birthday if she didn't love me she said she 'didn't no' and according to her we 'weren't even together'. So if we weren't together why would I go out my way to make your birthday as special as possible, and stick by you through all of this? I wouldn't, I'd of ran like any man. 'I don't no' is her favourite answer for any questions about her actions. Another thing that reaffirms my suspicions of BPD?

Will this new relationship last? Or will there be a 6-12 month honeymoon period until the cracks start appearing? Leaving me for another guy made me feel so inadequate. But not now. She literally left me for him, i did not see one sign of deceit or lies about that. She lied so much though when i think back to it. I said to her a few times have you cheated (this was after alcohol binges where she'd ring me up the next day screaming asking what had happened), of course I haven't. She even said when she broke it off, and I suggested there was someone else 'is that what you think of me? I could move on just like that, what do you take me for'. Loads of false promises towards the end. She said she'd come and at least talk face to face, 'I promise' I said do not promise if you don't mean it 'I promised didn't I' was her reply. Never came. She actually started it off by saying she needed space (this new guy was obviously not set in stone to take up where i left off yet), I said we'll go to the cinema and watch a film, -send me what's on, I'd love to go' she never came. Course I love you, "your not losing me, I do everything for you, I'm not saying we won't get back together, im saying I just need to be alone for a while because I never have, have I. Straight into the arms of another man


When I first met her, she was an extremely angry young girl. She went to college as she didn't really attend high school. She would wake up in the morning and instantly be angry, crash and banging, constant face of thunder I liked to call it. But it really was for no reason other than having to do something she didn't want to do.

The paranoia about me began. Who are you with? What are you doing? How long will you be? What's the price of gold? You get the picture. I never said your paranoid or whatever but it was evident she was. She was a great girlfriend nonetheless. She'd look after me by washing, cleaning, cooking. She was great for that. But emotionally she was unstable. She always told me she was a virgin when we met. I always knew that wasn't the case but she persistently said she was. I left it but I no and everyone who knows her knows it is a lie. Her cannabis use was daily, if she didn't get it she'd be angry. I was the same for a time but I got mine under control. I knew there was a problem and took steps solving it

[mbgeezle]

6 year relationship. Tried killing herself January, alcohol abuse, cocaine abuse. I stood by her through thick and thin. Put up with emotional and verbal abuse for months. Typical things where 'you don't care about me' 'I hate you' 'your a f**cking p**ck' 'what have I got to live for' 'you'll all get over it if I kill myself'. She'd be extremely paranoid, questioning me over and over about trivial nonsensical things. She'd repeat herself 3/4 times in a conversation. I paid her cocaine debt because she begged for my help. I do this and spend 2 weeks nurturing her, cooking her good food, walks in the fresh air, making sure she got enough sleep, after one binge to many. She's was on citalopram (not sure if she still is). I take her awayr for her bday at the end of these 2 weeks. Spoil her rotten and everything was great. More in love than ever. Tells me how much she loves me etc. 2 days after returning home becomes distant. Says she wants to be alone, she loves me, I'll never lose her she just needs space. Then find out there's another guy and has been for a while. I confront her at her home after she dumped me by text and ignored my calls for s week. She laughs at me the whole time I pour my heart out and really pays little to no attention to what I'm saying. Looking in people's windows who she knows etc. 'I can't believe you've come here' she said laughing. I return home heartbroken. She says she loves me with all her heart and always will, but 'not like that'. Cop out excuse for her new guy. She's still sniffing cocaine, drinking, not daily I doubt but regularly. Her new boyfriend is living at her mother's house with her and has been from near enough the beginning. I heard her brother owes money out for cocaine and attacked her mother. I text her to make sure she's ok and her mother. No reply. Ignorance. Will it last? Shows traits of BPD? Narcissistic? Never had an apology or genuine admitall of guilt either. I was loyal to this girl when most men would of ran.


I'll outline her behaviour over the years together.

- very intense first few months, madly in love, me 17/18 her 16/17. Moved into her mother's house within a few months (young, dumb)

- strong sense of ownership from her. If I went out with friends I was picking them over her, if I didn't come back when I said I was all hell would break loose, she'd ring me every 10 minutes asking me where I was etc

- chronic cannabis habit from her. I smoked, but it wasn't a problem. She had terrible mood swings, emotionally unstable. Her father is in a home from drinking himself to dementia, she has seen her mother be abused, im almost certain she has been abused herself but she wouldn't admit that

- she quit cannabis. Doting girlfriend. Did my washing, cleaning, made me sandwiches. Typical girlfriend stuff. Still always seemed like treading on egg shells. You had to be careful what you said and who you mentioned for fear of her flying off the handle

- if I mentioned things I liked or people, she'd 9 times out of 10 demonise it or them. Or quite plainly say she couldn't care less what I was saying.

- Over our last month's together (Depression started in December) suicide attempts (taking 60+ paracetamols on 2 occasions within 2 weeks) alcohol binges, to the point of blacking out, erratic cocaine use. These are just the things I know she was doing. God only knows what else. She'd ring me saying she was sad and didnt no why. I tried my best to understand and console her. Sometimes I'd deny depression existed and insisted there must be a trigger. She insisted it just happens. I put up with her verbal abuse, once or twixe when drunk she became physical. She knew how to push my buttons and get me angry to the point where I had to walk out a few times. Everything when she left was so much improved. I'd spent 2 weeks keeping her sober, getting her sleeping pattern in check as she hadn't slept properly in months

NOT one sign there was another guy, not one sign she felt any differently about me even though when she ended it by text she said she'd been feeling like it 'for a while'. She was in fact closer to me than ever. She made a point of staying the night we got back from her birthday weekend away, knowing she wouldn't see me for a week due to work commitments. She made sure she stayed that night. We woke up hand in hand like most times and that was the last time she stayed at my home.


She left me for another guy and has pretty much ignored me ever since. Last time we did speak we parted on good terms. She said she'd always love me etc. I then told her not to contact me unless it's about reconciliation (stupid I no) I contacted her a month after this saying I think I was a bit hasty saying don't contact me again unless it's about us. Offered friendship, said we could meet up for a coffee or something when she was ready. Completely ignored. I then hear about her brother attacking her mother. Then leaving there family home as he owes people money for cocaine himself. I expressed my concern and just wanted to no they were both ok. Ignorance again. So I've gone back to no contact. It seems that me being loyal, sticking by her, putting up with a unprecedented amount of verbal, emotional abuse over a sustained period and all o did was try and help the girl. She accepted my help though that is what is frustrating. But she obviously wasn't really ready to change as she is still using alcohol and cocaine. When before she had major issues with both. Surely you can't go from having major issues, to be able to do it recreationally like you or me. Factoring in her depression aswell.


I agree I should run a mile. And I have to a certain extent. I won't contact her again and I won't involve myself in her life. I'd just like some kind of clarity on why she acted the way she did towards the end not just during the relationship. There was no signs of her not 'loving me but not being in love with me'. Certainly no sign of another guy in the picture. She called on me and leaned on me for everything. Being it a shoulder to cry on, , someone to verbally abuse or rant it. No matter what it was. I saw the girl I loved try and kill herself, and systematically destroy herself in front of my very eyes and it's like she didn't think it affected me at all. Now she's 'moved on' and is 'happy with herself for once', it's like she just wants to Bury it like it never happened. I NEVER could of done anything like she had done to me, to her. Even if I had no feelings for the girl, I'd have enough respect for the years we shared to treat her with as much dignity as possible. After I stood by her through all of that, I was chucked. And when she did end it (March 27th) when we'd been celebrating her birthday (March 15-17th) in London, closer than ever. Then BOOM, my life is flipped upside down. So people agree her behaviour screams BPD? Surely she must have some kind of mental disturbance to do what she has done to me, never mind her self destructive behaviour towards herself


She was with me for 6 years though so did that by the end of it mean nothing? She didn't ever thank me for sticking by her, even when I asked her to. She never apologised for her downright disgusting treatment of me. I was by no means the perfect boyfriend, but who is? When called upon, I stood by her when most men would of ran I stood. Did everything and anything possible to help her. How she has managed to cut me loose like she has, move on to a new guy, move him in to her mother's house almost straight away, and then ignore me when I show concern about something I've heard. Not even 'im fine, thanks for your concern'. Why is that impossible for her?

When she broke my heart, I said everyone we know/knew now knows what you are ' they all love me' she replied. I said who loves you, 'everyone so f**k off'. She then proceeded to say I was crazy, how ironic when she was the one with mental health issues?

I wonder if this new relationship she is in will last. For her sake not for me getting back together with her etc. She'll be painting the picture now that's she's worth it and amazing no doubt. They've been together 4 months or so officially. I'm sure he knows she lied to him, said she hadn't seen her ex in a year, she was with me 3/4 days a week. She said she was going to stay with her aunt, to him and her friend, she was with me as I cared for her and nurtured her after her latest binge where she begged for my help. This is when she took the 100 pounds off me to pay her cocaine debt knowing full well she was at the very least emotionally cheating on me. This is not the actions of a well person wouldn't you agree?


When I think more deeply into her behaviour it screams BPD in so many ways. I always used to tell her to 'grow up'. This was when she'd cause arguments over absolutely nothing. Make issues where there didn't need to be any etc. When her face told a thousand stories about her mood, she'd look drawn out and down in the dumps. I'd ask what's wrong, 'I'm fine, there's nothing wrong' but there quite obviously was. I'd always say just tell me what's the matter 'nothing I'm fine'. She'd take things I said far to seriously. If I'd make a joke about her or something sher did in a light hearted manner she'd take it badly and flip out. Her drinking was out of control, she'd drink a bottle of wine like water. She came to the point of begging me for one more drink. She rang her father up (who is in a home due to alcohol abuse), to tell him she tried to kill herself, while she's extremely intoxicated herself). I tried to stop her from ringing him and she lashed out at me twice. Then cried her eyes out. I held her in my arms.

She would sit there itching for a drink. I'd say here you go take the money and go and get a bottle. 'No you'll hold it against me'. She's not alcohol dependent but she's a alcoholic. Does this certify even more that my thinking is correct that she has BPD? The inability to admit she's done wrong to, admit things she knows are true because she is ashamed, even to close friends. She flat our denied there was anyone else until she was caught out and even then it was a one word 'yes' answer when confronted. She proceeded to tell me I was Crazy, obsessed and needed help when she ended things and I found out about the other guy, how she'd used me and lied to me for weeks, possibly months on end. When asked why she came away with me for her birthday if she didn't love me she said she 'didn't no' and according to her we 'weren't even together'. So if we weren't together why would I go out my way to make your birthday as special as possible, and stick by you through all of this? I wouldn't, I'd of ran like any man. 'I don't no' is her favourite answer for any questions about her actions. Another thing that reaffirms my suspicions of BPD?

Will this new relationship last? Or will there be a 6-12 month honeymoon period until the cracks start appearing? Leaving me for another guy made me feel so inadequate. But not now. She literally left me for him, i did not see one sign of deceit or lies about that. She lied so much though when i think back to it. I said to her a few times have you cheated (this was after alcohol binges where she'd ring me up the next day screaming asking what had happened), of course I haven't. She even said when she broke it off, and I suggested there was someone else 'is that what you think of me? I could move on just like that, what do you take me for'. Loads of false promises towards the end. She said she'd come and at least talk face to face, 'I promise' I said do not promise if you don't mean it 'I promised didn't I' was her reply. Never came. She actually started it off by saying she needed space (this new guy was obviously not set in stone to take up where i left off yet), I said we'll go to the cinema and watch a film, -send me what's on, I'd love to go' she never came. Course I love you, "your not losing me, I do everything for you, I'm not saying we won't get back together, im saying I just need to be alone for a while because I never have, have I. Straight into the arms of another man


When I first met her, she was an extremely angry young girl. She went to college as she didn't really attend high school. She would wake up in the morning and instantly be angry, crash and banging, constant face of thunder I liked to call it. But it really was for no reason other than having to do something she didn't want to do.

The paranoia about me began. Who are you with? What are you doing? How long will you be? What's the price of gold? You get the picture. I never said your paranoid or whatever but it was evident she was. She was a great girlfriend nonetheless. She'd look after me by washing, cleaning, cooking. She was great for that. But emotionally she was unstable. She always told me she was a virgin when we met. I always knew that wasn't the case but she persistently said she was. I left it but I no and everyone who knows her knows it is a lie. Her cannabis use was daily, if she didn't get it she'd be angry. I was the same for a time but I got mine under control. I knew there was a problem and took steps solving it

[papawapa]

Don't get caught up in trying top diagnose her. Instead look at her behaviors and the way she has treated you. From what you have written here she has not been good to you. Give yourself some space and take care of you.

[mbgeezle]

Her father is a alcoholic. She has 2 older brother's (same father), one younger sister (different father). Her dad was a alcoholic, functioning alcoholic, he didn't hit her mum or anything like that but they split up anyway when she was about 8/10 and she lived with her mum. Her mum was unstable for s few years, the 2 brothers where troublesome and would get into trouble with drugs and the law. She didn't really go to school, she always said her and her mum hated each other for years. She met her sisters father and it all went downhill, he was physically abusive to her mother and she saw this. He also sexually assaulted her and I'm almost sure he did the same to my ex. She always expressed how much she hated the guy. He used to be extremely inappropriate. He left her mother out of the blue, she had his child and her mum then got a stress disorder after giving birth that pregnant women get. My ex said she basically brought her younger sister up for a few years because her mother was a angry, volatile, mess to put it Frank. My ex was 14/15 at the time. Shes been through a lot no doubt. Her dads in a home now from drinking herself to dementia, her mum is ok now and is a great woman with a good heart, one brother is ok and has a girlfriend and children, he still had alcohol problems when I last heard, drinking most days etc. Another functioning alcoholic. Her oldest brother is the one who is im debt for cocaine, on it every day, 29 years old. Back living with his mother when he moved away a few years ago, had a good job, home of is own ane chucked it away to come back. He hit his mother, smashed doors at the house and hasn't been seen since apparently because he owes so much money out.

I understand co dependency and understand I do have some issues with it. I wouldn't say the relationship was all bad because it wasn't. But thinking back her problems where evident after the intense honeymoon period ended. Moving in almost straight away was a dumb move for a young teenager like me and her. We lived in each other's pockets from day one basically. We never really went ot for meals or stuff during our whole relationship. We did spend a lot of quality time though.

Her alcohol use became more prominent over the last 3/4 months together. I remember us going out for a meal and ordering a taxi home. She'd had 3 or so large glasses of wine and began crying. That was the day this downward spiral began. It was about her father and if he was going to be ok. He'd blacked out after drinking to much and she was worried so rang his home to check he was ok. He was thankfully. She cried for a long time asking me to confirm he'd be ok. I obviously said I couldn't guarantee anything and he'd made his choice and couldn't take it back but you can. Her alcohol binges became weekly (3 times a week or so) she'd drink to the point of ringing me and just rambling complete nonsense. Verbally abuse me saying she hated me and I didn't care about her and whatever other profanities she could throw at me. Or she'd ring me crying saying she's sad and doesn't no why. I'd question her as there must be a trigger, 'it just happens' 'it runs in my family'. I denied this sometimes but still tried to console her the best I could. Then suicide attempt number one, taking numerous tablets. I couldn't bring myself to go to her bedside. I was angry, confused, upset, distraught. I was being weak. A week or so later same again. This time I rushed to her bedside. She looked a mess and I couldn't believe my eyes. The girl I love doing this? No way! I was cold with her, why are you doing this etc. I stroked her hair until she fell asleep and left. Whispered I love you. She still continued drinking after this whilst taking anti depressant medication. I didn't no about the cocaine use until she told me she needed my help because she didn't no what to do. I paid the debt, begrudgingly and she seemed to think me moaning about paying it meant I was the bad guy. I had a right to be angry. I then suggested she stayed with me for the foreseeable future. She agreed and so did her mother, me and her mother always spoke about how to help her and support her. I spent those 2 weeks keeping her alcohol free, no drugs, good food, walks, making sure she got enough sleep. She hadn't slept properly in months. She had one drink on her birthday and she changed instantly. Ringing her dad, frantically searching the Internet for the number so she could tell him she attempted suicide, I tried grabbing the phone off her and she hit me twice. She then proceeded to tell me I didn't no what she'd been through or seen. I told her to talk about it, unburden herself. She'd say a few words and lock up again. I then take her away for her birthday and everything seemingly is great. We have a great weekend, minus one drinking episode, again. When I said she'd had enough as she could barely stand. She said I was trying to be the father she never had etc. I was the bad guy.

We return home, she makes a point of staying that night because she knew she wouldn't see me for a week due to work commitments. She left as normal. Rang me later that day as normal. Normal conversation and love yous and that was that. Then came the ignoring and ending of our relationship by text.

[mbgeezle]

 I've been told by a close mutual friend that she 'sniffs to much' and 'can't afford to keep doing it like she does'. So this suggests to me that it's a regular occurrence. Our mutual friend says she speaks off to the shop to by alcohol when she says there not drinking etc. She should be drinking nothing and taking nothing else when recovering from her suicide attempts and major alcohol problems. She was using alcohol and cocaine as a coping mechanism. She still had these problems in March when I last saw her and our mutual friend said as little as 2 weeks ago she was doing the same. Her new man facilitates this behaviour and I made it more difficult for her to behave this way because I genuinely care about her. He obviously has no clue about her issues or if he does, he's enabling her on this downward spiral. Even if she's doing it once a week and getting drunk once a week this is once to many. I saw, heard and had to put up with the fall out of her drinking and cocaine use.

You can't go from having major issues with both to be able to do it recreationally. She lied about her drinking, when she was In hospital after her suicide attempt, the nurse asked her if she'd been drinking when she had taken the overdose of paracetamol, she said no, outright. I'm almost sure she had been. This was back in late January. She came to my house once stinking of wine, I suggested she'd been drinking, she said she'd had one glass of wine the night before with her mum, I didn't believe that for a second. She used to lie and say her and one other girl would drink and drink until she was a drunken rambling mess. She was obviously with a group of people she didn't want me to know about.

I've turned alot of what's happened inwards and I understand my faults and co dependency traits. I understand that I ended up with this girl due to my own insecurities. I was a angry, confused kid when I met her and not ready for a relationship, her the same. I've emotionally matured and realised what the issues are and put in measures to get through it. She seems to be stuck, if anything she's gone backwards. Why does someone leave someone for someone else? After everything I went through with her, i suffered just like she did, I never once thought about giving up on her, she made out to me like she wanted the help, I put up with so much emotional torment, if anything me sticking by her should of made her love me more. It should of shown my loyalty to her and how much I cared about her wellbeing. According to her I acted like the father she never had. Because I put up boundaries she didn't want to adhere to. She said all the right things but did neither. When asked how long she'd been feeling different about me she said 'a while'. How could she no what she was feeling was reality? She was a mess but didn't want to admit that either. January depression and suicide attempts, late March, dumping me for another guy, said she wanted to be alone, didn't love me anymore. As little as the 17th March we where closer than we had been in a long time. She even said we are getting on so much better and hugged me tight. I bought a ring and was going to propose. To give her that goal to look forward too. A focus. She hadn't sniffed cocaine for 2 weeks, slight slip ups with the alcohol but she said that was enough because she couldn't have a good relationship with it.

I'm sorry about the length of my story. It is extremely complex but i needed to make sure i got everything out there, her behavioral patterns etc to determine wether she does show the main traits of BPD or just down right cold, disgusting behavior. Theres alot to take in and read, but if anyone can offer support, i thought here could. I'd just like some answers to the questions i've asked. I suppose to gain my own closure from this mess. She is not likely to ever give me any.

[mbgeezle]

I no, no one can diagnose my ex girlfriend. But understanding her behaviour and realising it wasn't the person I fell in love with that did what she did will help. This is who she is now and I accept that.

[Learning_curve74]

You have to be able to think like a crazy disordered person to understand why they did what they did. That is part of why we struggle, because we can't fully engage in their way of thinking and follow the pretzel logic behind their actions.

As to whether your ex has BPD or not, that doesn't change any of the awful things she did, does it? If I run you over with my car and shatter your leg, shouldn't your focus be on healing your leg and learning to walk again? Not focusing on whether I hit you on purpose or not?

[bewildered2]

her behaviour sounds absolutely awful, and is very clearly not that of a well adjusted individual. BPD? very possibly, but you are not likely to ever know for sure (diagnosis is difficult and many avoid it and the treatment for it).

it is also normal for someone in your position to analyze her every move... . but ultimately it doesn't matter. and the new guy will get the same treatment, you can be sure of that.

try and spend some time looking at your own behaviors.

ask yourself things like:

1. why did i stick around when she did that awful thing the first time?

2. why did i stick around when she did it again?

3. why did i stick around when she hurt me for the 20th time?

4. why did i give her x years of my life when i should have been done after y years?

5. why did i give her so many chances?

6. why did i let her drag me down into the abyss with her?

hang in there, we've all been there, and you will get better.

b2

[mbgeezle]

I stuck around because I loved her in all honesty. I know I should of left along time ago but I was determined to stick it out and help her through the hardest time in her life, which I did do. Then I was chucked. Not one sign that she was going to leave me. Especially not for someone else. She can't be alone. It seems impossible for her. She would never of left me to be alone. I wasn't the most amazing boyfriend and had things I needed to work on in the relationship, which I did, and the changes where evident on mt part. Sher even acknowledged this. Just being more tentative and showing her I cared more. Which I thought I did anyway but she was adamant I didn't treat her well enough.

How she has managed to cut me out since end of march, exchanged a few text messages since then. She said 'I love you with all my heart and always will you no that' how do I no that after how she treated me?  When I asked her if she wanted be to be happy she replied 'I want all those things for you, you no I do'. Well why destroy me and then say I'm meant to 'know' you want me to be happy. Not one attempt at contact since the 15th June when I iniated after ignoring her two 'how r u' texts a month apart. Its literally like I'm dead to her now. I never existed it seems. Her relationship with this new guy has moved incredibly fast and he's living with her already (4/5 months in) and has been for around 2 months in. She's probably known him 6 months tops. I find it hard to fathom what has happened. Read arrived BPD has gave me some form of closure as she shows a lot of signs. From what I've written would many agree thus is more than likely her disorder. How she has 'split me black'.

[mbgeezle]

I'd also like to ask is it common for BPD women (or men) to leave you for someone else? She said I was boring, should of left me years ago.  She was heavily drinking a lot at the time and sniffing cocaine. She left me when she had been sober for a while but had, had a few drinking episodes where she lashed out at me and accused me of being controlling as I didn't agree with her drinking as she had been blacking out and losing her mobile phone etc. When I aired my concern I was trying to be the father she never had.

[papawapa]

Yes it is common for them to leave for someone else or to get with someone else shortly after a relationship ends. They cannot stand to be alone.

[tryingtohelp]

Hello mbgeezle

Sounds like she has sure put you through some serious grief, and it all sounds so familiar .  In response to your question re whether it is common for BPDs to leave for someone else, in my experience this is a major issue, along with multiple'infidelities' to put it nicely.  In my case my S.O (diagnosed BPD) always has several other guys in the background who she frequently falls out with and 're-cycles' along with an ex who spends most of his life in jail and when he comes out they reconnect and she blanks everyone for a couple of months then when they have the inevitible bust up, she comes back to me again.  I can't believe the grief I have endured , and I still stick by her, partly it is that she has some kind of magic I have never experienced in a 'normal' woman,  but if I'm really honest, there is no future in a relationship with these women , as much as we put up with the unbelievable behaviour , there is no end to it , she will never be any different, she will still be like this when she's 70 , except her looks will be long gone and she will be even more unpleasant!  Despite knowing this, I'm still hoping to hear from my S.O.  ... . how sad is that ?     They are addictive ! Drugs and alcohol often seem to pe part of the deal as well, BPD is serious enough , but combined with drug abuse it is insanity.  Get out while you can for your own sake .   

[mbgeezle]

This is evident with my ex. She can't be alone. Normal healthy people (in my opinion) if they are the dumper or dumpee, need time to heal and grieve the loss of the relationship, especially after it being a 6 year one. Instead she's just replaced me like I meant nothing to her ever. She has no friends really. One friend I am close friends with too and even she said she can't be alone. She makes little to no time for our mutual friend and she doesn't even class her as a proper friend as she is dishonest. She said she has no friends because of this. She basically has her new boyfriend and her mother. This isnt healthy I feel.

My ex went to our mutual friends house for her birthday.  She said she hhadn't drunk for weeks and didnt sniff cocaine anymore. Our friend commented that she drunk a hell of a lot of alcohol, a lot more than she did. And her MOTHER commented on how my ex was in and out of the toilet often and asked if she was 'sniffing' because of this. Our mutual friend said she couldn't be sure but it was fishy. Our mutual friend suggested getting some cocaine (recreational user not addict), my ex who had said earlier she didn't do it anymore,  went along with this and said she was 'up for it'. When our mutual friend changed her mind, my ex got in a huff (not sure if it's related) and left 15 minutes later.

I don't ask to no about her whereabouts and what she's up to. I've now told our friend not to mention it anymore as it upsets me wondering and hoping she isn't still in denial. Its the way she's cut me out just 'like that' that is hard to fathom. I tried to initiate contact 15th July as I heard her mother had been attacked by her older brother (who is a cocaine addict himself), so wanted to check she was ok as I got on well with her mother. Completely ignored. I've not initiated contact since and won't again.

[mbgeezle]

I too can't believe the pain I've suffered since the break up and during her manic depressive episodes, drinking binges and cocaine use. And I STILL CARE.  I no I shouldn't care. I should erase her from my memory and never look back because she sure as hell isn't or didn't take any of my feelings into consideration. When she was trying to kill herself, upset and depressed, drinking binges, I suffered too! She never acknowledged the impact her behaviour had on me. When she was in pain? I was in pain. It hurt me to watch her hurt. She said it ONCE when intoxicated,  'what am I doing to you and my mum'. This was the only admitall of the affect her behaviour  was having on us.

Literally 10 days after her birthday weekend where everything was fantastic she was with another guy. Its just hard to get my head around now, 5 months on.

[Learning_curve74]

I too can't believe the pain I've suffered since the break up and during her manic depressive episodes, drinking binges and cocaine use. And I STILL CARE.  I no I shouldn't care. I should erase her from my memory and never look back because she sure as hell isn't or didn't take any of my feelings into consideration. When she was trying to kill herself, upset and depressed, drinking binges, I suffered too! She never acknowledged the impact her behaviour had on me. When she was in pain? I was in pain. It hurt me to watch her hurt. She said it ONCE when intoxicated,  'what am I doing to you and my mum'. This was the only admitall of the affect her behaviour  was having on us.

Literally 10 days after her birthday weekend where everything was fantastic she was with another guy. Its just hard to get my head around now, 5 months on.

mbgeezle, you were with her for 6 years and loved her very much. You were very loving and caring, and you can't just turn that off like turning off the lights when you're ready for bed. It's natural to feel pain from being dumped like you were, that's what a normally functioning human being feels! If you read the stories here, you will find that you are not alone in being hurt and still caring for the person who hurt you. Hang in there, man! 

I know it's tough, but now is the time to help and heal yourself. On the right side of the screen is a sidebar column titled "Leaving a Relationship [links]". It's worth clicking on "The Lessons" links. There are reasons we all stayed in an unhealthy relationship, and part of true healing from the breakup is to examine ourselves and what roles and needs we had that might've kept us in such a relationship.

I'm no expert and am working on myself as much as I can right now. But I can see there is no quick fix, and from reading the stories here, everybody progresses at different rates and sometimes we stumble backwards at times. I do feel that we can all find our way to healing though.

[mbgeezle]

I have been working on myself a lot. Mentally and physically. I know I ended up with my ex for a reason. I just find it hard to fathom how she has just cut me off after 6 years in each others life's. Literally just been replaced. This is mainly down to her not wanting to be alone and suffer the hurt of our break up. 5 months on nearly and it has gotten a lot easier. I suppose I wonder if she'll contact me again and how I handle that is the next challenge. But in the meantime its work on myself. I did nothing but put her first when she was depressed and my own feelings I didn't care about. She didn't think about my feelings when she has done what she has so it's time I put myself first for once.