fear of pd partner - still walking on eggshells during/after divorce?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I work with my uBPD/NPD husband, and we are ready to return after summer break.  We should be divorced by now, but he has been so high conflict (of course) during the house negotiations that I fear at times it will never end.

To recap quickly -- after moving out in Feb and paying half mortgage/utilities, he offers to buy me out six months later.  I counter with a bit higher offer; he loses it and refuses to come up a penny.  We go back and forth a few times and then I finally cave.  My attorney sends a letter saying I will accept exactly what he offered me with a few caveats for me --all reasonable.  Well, all hell breaks loose.  Unbeknownst to me (we have not spoken since Feb - just exchanged emails), he received the offer while his father was in the hospital very ill.  Though the offer was basically agreeing to what he offered me, he unleashed a torrent of emails and phone calls (messages - I don't pick up), as did his BPD mother saying how I was beyond evil to expect him to come up with the buyout money while his father was dying, etc. etc. Again, I was simply agreeing to his offer.  Anyway, he declared that his offer was withdrawn and that we would list the house for a high price and that he refused to budge.

Back to the drawing board.  I met with my lawyer today who made revisions to the PSA putting the language back in about listing the house (keep in mind that I firmly believe my husband still wants the house - he had a meltdown last week and withdrew the offer - not sure if he's regretting that or not).  He is very attached to house.  At any rate, we made him 3 offers:  the option to list, the option to buy me out (same thing he withdrew last week), or an offer for ME to buy HIM out (same cash deal he offered me).

If he trashes all of these, my attorney wants to file to have a judge rule that I should not have to pay mortgage while house is listed -- we are at our wit's end (as is his attorney -poor guy!).

He's so unpredictable - only thing I know is that he always makes everything as difficult as possible.  I do NOT think he will accept my offer (wouldn't want me to have house he feels like he has a lot invested in - blood, sweat, kind of thing) plus I do think he wants it still.  HOWEVER, if he does accept my offer, my parents are fearful he will come to house, stalk, or try to kill me even.

Of course, I didn't think possibility over in lawyer's office today, but yes, I think I would feel uneasy at night alone in the house. If I were to move back in, I would get a roommate to help defray costs and maybe even a gun (I am not a gun person!), but I don't want to live in fear.  I told my mom he could just as well harm me at work or anywhere else, but she feels me being in the house could push him over. 

Mind you, he hasn't hurt me physically or threatened to kill me/hurt me - he has said he will make me suffer, he has been very aggressive (in my face, etc), he has said he would kick my ass, he has said he wanted to buy a gun to protect himself from me, he has often threatened suicide, he has declared me evil and said he can't wait to see me burning in hell, and more. 

I understand why my mom feels apprehensive, and I admit, I do to.

Are pd spouse's prone to violence (snapping) during/after divorce.  I do NOT want to live in fear.  I left because I wanted to be free of his negativity and anger.  He has always been way more bark than bite and he's been high functioning (holding job, appearing "normal" to all but me), but the divorce has him unraveling.

Any thoughts?  Should I be worried and watching my back?  Thank you for any words you have.

[atcrossroads]

I work with my uBPD/NPD husband, and we are ready to return after summer break.  We should be divorced by now, but he has been so high conflict (of course) during the house negotiations that I fear at times it will never end.

To recap quickly -- after moving out in Feb and paying half mortgage/utilities, he offers to buy me out six months later.  I counter with a bit higher offer; he loses it and refuses to come up a penny.  We go back and forth a few times and then I finally cave.  My attorney sends a letter saying I will accept exactly what he offered me with a few caveats for me --all reasonable.  Well, all hell breaks loose.  Unbeknownst to me (we have not spoken since Feb - just exchanged emails), he received the offer while his father was in the hospital very ill.  Though the offer was basically agreeing to what he offered me, he unleashed a torrent of emails and phone calls (messages - I don't pick up), as did his BPD mother saying how I was beyond evil to expect him to come up with the buyout money while his father was dying, etc. etc. Again, I was simply agreeing to his offer.  Anyway, he declared that his offer was withdrawn and that we would list the house for a high price and that he refused to budge.

Back to the drawing board.  I met with my lawyer today who made revisions to the PSA putting the language back in about listing the house (keep in mind that I firmly believe my husband still wants the house - he had a meltdown last week and withdrew the offer - not sure if he's regretting that or not).  He is very attached to house.  At any rate, we made him 3 offers:  the option to list, the option to buy me out (same thing he withdrew last week), or an offer for ME to buy HIM out (same cash deal he offered me).

If he trashes all of these, my attorney wants to file to have a judge rule that I should not have to pay mortgage while house is listed -- we are at our wit's end (as is his attorney -poor guy!).

He's so unpredictable - only thing I know is that he always makes everything as difficult as possible.  I do NOT think he will accept my offer (wouldn't want me to have house he feels like he has a lot invested in - blood, sweat, kind of thing) plus I do think he wants it still.  HOWEVER, if he does accept my offer, my parents are fearful he will come to house, stalk, or try to kill me even.

Of course, I didn't think possibility over in lawyer's office today, but yes, I think I would feel uneasy at night alone in the house. If I were to move back in, I would get a roommate to help defray costs and maybe even a gun (I am not a gun person!), but I don't want to live in fear.  I told my mom he could just as well harm me at work or anywhere else, but she feels me being in the house could push him over. 

Mind you, he hasn't hurt me physically or threatened to kill me/hurt me - he has said he will make me suffer, he has been very aggressive (in my face, etc), he has said he would kick my ass, he has said he wanted to buy a gun to protect himself from me, he has often threatened suicide, he has declared me evil and said he can't wait to see me burning in hell, and more. 

I understand why my mom feels apprehensive, and I admit, I do to.

Are pd spouse's prone to violence (snapping) during/after divorce.  I do NOT want to live in fear.  I left because I wanted to be free of his negativity and anger.  He has always been way more bark than bite and he's been high functioning (holding job, appearing "normal" to all but me), but the divorce has him unraveling.

Any thoughts?  Should I be worried and watching my back?  Thank you for any words you have.

[coffee shop]

Atcrossroads, your life sounds too familar. I do have a divorce (a 2 day trial after 13 months of not getting anywhere). At the time of separation, I lived in the house by myself as the house was in my name and my N/BPD H could not afford the payments. His Adult Son told me to be careful. I was not careful enough. I truely didn't believe he would cause me physical harm.

He told me he would make me suffer and I believed he would drag things out etc. but he had never been physically exposive to me before. Then there came a night I will never forget, he forced his way into the house and within minutes I was sure my life would end that night. I am blessed and I survived.

I moved out that night and live with friends. In Sept. 2013 it will be two years. The house is not sold. I can't live there, I would not live there even with a roommate, I pay all the bills and we have been to court 4 times this year trying to sell the house. Well I should say I am trying to sell, the N/BPD H is still trying to make me suffer. I never go to court by myself. I never go to place I think he might be, I am on my second year of a PFA, I now have my Conceal & Carry & my gun, I have taken a women's self defense class.

They know how to make a person suffer and they will go to all lengths even if they hurt themselves. You can't be too cautious. Be careful.

[ForeverDad]

My ex doesn't handle being given choices very well.  I recall at one exchange we were talking about an adjustment for the next exchange.  She was actually pondering letting me have our child much sooner than I had originally asked.  I made the mistake to speed things up and offered 2 or 3 options, all favorable to her.  She flamed out and blurted out, "Then I'll just keep him!"

I agree, if the opportunity arises then withdraw the offer to buy him out, although if you did buy him out you could still turn around and sell it.  (And he would then feel you were trying to profit at his expense.)

Generally, selling the house and then splitting the proceeds (with credit adjustments such as for your mortgage payments while not living there) is the cleanest way to do it.

If he buys you out, you can't sign the quit claim deed until he gets you off the mortgage by refinancing and pays you what you are owed.  The quit claim deed signing is your leverage to get compliance.  Don't accept promises to do it later, sign only at the refinance table (or if signed then keeping the signed QCD in safekeeping until then) where you are absolve of all responsibility, obligation and risk exposure.

If you buy him out, you can't give him the money until he signs the quit claim deed.  (Yes, he would want you to refinance to get him off the mortgage too but that's his problem, not yours.)  The buy out money is your leverage to get compliance.

I think you need to be quick to get things rolling in court.  By their nature and backlogs courts move slowly so the sooner you get court involved again the better.  In most cases, the negative engagement and passive/aggressive interaction won't be overcome until he simply has to do something, and that doesn't happen until court is looming overhead.  You - and even the lawyers - are not authority figures to him.  All that's left is the court's authority.  Use it.

[livednlearned]

I'm with coffeeshop. Your peace of mind is priceless, and although it's hard to predict whether he is prone to violence, I think when you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.

I moved out of my house because I knew it didn't have the right safety features to give me peace of mind. Out in the woods, too far from neighbors, and too easy for a car to block me in. And N/BPDx was getting worse. Like coffeeshop, his worst episode was after the divorce.

Gavin de Becker has a tool to help predict violence called the MOSAIC test: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

You've read Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse? If not, it's a must read for those of us dealing with high conflict divorces.

[atcrossroads]

Wow.  This forum is so powerful!

I've been gone all day and just got home and read these responses -- they are chilling and confirm my worst fears.  I just composed and email to my attorney telling him to completely strike my offer to buy the house.  If my husband were to relent and take the offer, I know deep down I would live in fear and not be able to sleep at night.  He, too, seems to be getting worse and worse and angrier and angrier as the process goes on.  It's horrible, isn't it?  I'm so sorry ALL of us had to suffer through these extreme breakups.

Thank you all for sharing your stories.  I am so worried about going back to work, and I just want it all to be OVER.

Advice is much appreciated.   

[atcrossroads]

Gavin de Becker has a tool to help predict violence called the MOSAIC test: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

And, I did this test, and he scored 7/10.   

I have read Splitting and shared much of it with my attorney.  Thank you!

[livednlearned]

Gavin de Becker has a tool to help predict violence called the MOSAIC test: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

And, I did this test, and he scored 7/10.   

My ex scored a 7 when I left the marriage. He scored an 8 when we started custody hearings. Those were triggering events for him. Based on how your stbx reacted to your counter-offer when his father was in the hospital, it sounds like house stuff will be triggering for him.

Have you read Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker? That's a good book for women. If you don't have someone frightening in your life, I can see how reading it might rattle you, but for those of us with disordered people in our lives, I think it's oddly comforting. It helps you listen to your instincts, and to trust them.

It's a good idea to have a safety plan, too, even if you aren't living together. Tell someone where you work about your concerns, that he isn't taking the divorce well, and that he is demonstrating behavior that worries you. When you know he might be receiving docs from your L, take extra precautions. Taking a self-defense class is a good idea, too. At the very least, it will help you develop habits of thought that could help you if your ex snaps. I learned things like: keeping a light on at night inside the house. Always looking around the parking lot before exiting a store. Anytime N/BPDx approached me, I held up my phone and told him I was recording the conversation. Little things like that.

[ForeverDad]

So your offer is either he buys you out or the house is sold.  Two simple options.  Keep it simple.  He will try to add all sorts of issues onto those two simple choices, try to delay, obstruct, ignore, be noncompliant, etc.  Expect that.  Accept that.  Despite all that forethought and preparation, anticipate that you will have to turn to court, probably multiple times, to keep the marriage's unwinding moving along.

And when you finally make a settlement or get a decision, be sure it is spelled out in detail and lists consequences for noncompliance.  I can guarantee your ex will find ways to reinterpret the order, create obstacles and cause delays.  So get the "what if scenarios"*, terms and consequences spelled out in the settlement so you don't have to go back to court to ask the judge what to do.  You'll still need court to enforce the ordered settlement or decision, but at least the "what to do" part will already be there.

If they say to give them time to make a counter offer or whatever, tell them, make your offer but the court hearing goes on.  Delays help only him, not you.  Yes, the court will allow a few continuances but keep the pressure on.  (I currently have a pending Modification of Parenting Time I filed last summer.  There have been 4 continuances filed by her lawyer, 3 granted, and none filed by my lawyer.  Delay favors her financially too so of course they've tried multiple delays.  At this point it looks to be at least 15 months for a case my lawyer said should have been relatively quick and straightforward.)

* What if ex says he needs more time to get financing or even says he can't get financing?

What if ex agrees to sell the house but won't leave, fails to sign the realtor listing papers, fails to pay the bills while there, damages the home, removes major appliances, fails to reasonably prepare the house for showing, sabotages house showings, fails to sign the quit claim deed, etc?

What if ex {insert action/inaction here}?

[livednlearned]

I can guarantee your ex will find ways to reinterpret the order, create obstacles and cause delays.  So get the "what if scenarios"*, terms and consequences spelled out in the settlement so you don't have to go back to court to ask the judge what to do.  You'll still need court to enforce the ordered settlement or decision, but at least the "what to do" part will already be there.

* What if ex says he needs more time to get financing or even says he can't get financing?

What if ex agrees to sell the house but won't leave, fails to sign the realtor listing papers, fails to pay the bills while there, damages the home, removes major appliances, fails to reasonably prepare the house for showing, sabotages house showings, fails to sign the quit claim deed, etc?

What if ex {insert action/inaction here}?

Yeah, exactly what FD said. It is amazing how many ways pwPDs can be high-conflict.

Think through contingencies like you have done before. By x date, if refinancing cannot or is not obtained, atcrossroads will select the realtor, put house on market, and stbx must move relocate to another residence while house is listed. The  property is not to be altered in any way, and no items can be sold from the property while refinancing or house sale is underway. if it does, atcrossroads can obtain a reasonable replacement value and that amount will be subtracted from sale portion of house to stbx.

That kind of thing. And maybe toss in something about how stbx must pay legal fees for any matter clearly spelled out in the order. Your L will be able to help you phrase it properly -- and it might be that the language applies to both of you. But you'll have your butt covered in the very likely event that your ex turns what should be simple and straightforward into lots of legal h@ll.

[momtara]

Anyone dealing with these fears with kids involved?

I think we all walk on eggshells a little bit even after and during, with these folks.

[birdlady]

Anyone dealing with these fears with kids involved?

I think we all walk on eggshells a little bit even after and during, with these folks.

No kids involved but I walked on eggshells during the marriage. During the divorce I lived in limbo, hiding my whereabouts, maintaining nc even though he violated it (I only reported it to L, didn't respond).  Now that it is over I still don't want to be very open.  What I'm doing now is none of his business.  He wanted me out of his life but seems unable to respect my autonomy.  He has a replacement wife, but can't quite let go of his old whipping post.  So yeah, for now and for who knows how long into the future i'll live a guarded life.

[livednlearned]

Anyone dealing with these fears with kids involved?

I think we all walk on eggshells a little bit even after and during, with these folks.

I'm almost 3 years out and I'll always be vigilant and wary of N/BPD, but I don't walk on eggshells anymore. I think getting full custody helped me with that.

Wary and vigilant, meaning: When introducing new b/f to S12, no plans of using his last name, so if S12 mentions him, N/BPD can't find info about new b/f online and start harassing him.

I still look around the parking lot when I leave a store to see if N/BPD's car is there, and whenever there is an event for S12, I sit somewhere I feel safe and with people who know my situation.

[momtara]

I think the NPD's are scarier than those who are just BPD.

[atcrossroads]

I think the NPD's are scarier than those who are just BPD.

I'm pretty darned sure my husband is both and has always, always talked of suicide and the ways he would do it.  My mother has worried about murder/suicide scenario -- the combination of him hating me so much and also hating himself, coupled with the intense rage is frightening.

Lived -- you are giving me lots to think about in terms of vigilance -- what a horrible way to live but I do want to be prepared. I may check out that book - sounds help.

So, today I found out that my FIL died last week, and husband nor anyone in his family let me or my family know.  The funeral was this weekend, and I heard the news through the grapevine.  Unbelievable to me that he didn't let me know.  I did know his dad was very sick.  I will send cards to him, his mom, and family -- they may be thrown straight in trash, but I will send.

Unfortunately, my attorney sent his the PSA response ON FRIDAY (day after FIL's death).  Talk about triggering!  There will be fallout from that for sure.

Always, always fallout.

Thanks to all for the helpful insights and support!

[livednlearned]

I think the NPD's are scarier than those who are just BPD.

In my case, N/BPDx is an alcoholic and undiagnosed, untreated, unmediated bipolar -- it runs in his family. I think it's the trifecta of BPD, bipolar, and alcohol that makes him so unstable.

[atcrossroads]

I think the NPD's are scarier than those who are just BPD.

In my case, N/BPDx is an alcoholic and undiagnosed, untreated, unmediated bipolar -- it runs in his family. I think it's the trifecta of BPD, bipolar, and alcohol that makes him so unstable.

Scary, scary stuff. 

My husband smokes a tremendous amount of pot.  He drinks too but not too excess.  He has split me so black and hates me so much... . that's where my fear comes from.  Oh, and he's so paranoid and irrational.  He really believes I am evil and out to get him. It's hard to believe we were in love for so many years while many of these demons were at bay.

[livednlearned]

[quote author=atcrossroads link=topic=207548.msg12300891#msg12300891 date=1376950939

My husband smokes a tremendous amount of pot.  He drinks too but not too excess.  He has split me so black and hates me so much... . that's where my fear comes from.  Oh, and he's so paranoid and irrational.  He really believes I am evil and out to get him. It's hard to believe we were in love for so many years while many of these demons were at bay.[/quote]
I found the paranoia and irrational thinking to scare me the most -- that's when I knew I had to leave. Hard to live and love someone who lives in another reality.

[Forward2free]

I'm 5 years since separation, 3 since divorce, and I still scored an 8. We have a new custody hearing in November and I have a new boyfriend.

It get's easier, but I still live in fear and have 8 security cameras around my new house, I didn't consider living in our house after BPD/Nxh broke in and did $79,000 damage to house and property and waited for me to come home with a knife nearby. He was entered into psych ward, restricted from kids, released, continued to stalk, threaten, damage property of my parents and sisters and workplace etc. Stayed crazy but found a new girlfriend and things became better for me, worse for her. Now has a new girlfriend, 2 years, and I'd expect she will see the writing on the wall soon too.

He doesn't do drugs, occasionally takes alcohol, and gambles, but mostly his abuse and addiction is food.

It has slowed down, but I am always watching, same as LnL. I wish there was a way to trust that he won't harm the kids, but I don't. The forensic psychologists tell me that his anger is focused on partners and it would be unlikely he'd hurt the kids. I know he will get mad at them given his patience is non-existent and his parenting skills are limited. What I don't know, is if he can control his rage anymore than when I lived with him. In that moment, will he be able to stop himself from hurting the children?

I have a GPS tracking device in the kids bag for their visits. I will most likely panic on the first extended visit and the proposed overnights and I am scared everyday.

I don't think you are being paranoid and irrational. I think you are right to question your safety and I think that you need to have a safety plan in place that you have practiced and are comfortable executing at a moments notice. I never go anywhere without my mobile phone. The police have my home and mobile details so that if I call emergency services, it will flag the risk and they will come to my house without me speaking a word.

Stay safe, listen to your gut feelings.

[atcrossroads]

Kormilda - your story is equally frightening.  I got really rattled tonight when he called and left a message on my parents phone about his father dying.  His tone was very angry and forbade us from sending card(s) to his family of our fake sympathy. 

I emailed him a sympathy note, short and simple, just telling him his dad was a great man and I was very sorry for his loss.  He sent me back 4 rapid fire emails  --- pretty scary.

There is more, but here is a little piece of one of them:

YOU BURN IN HELL.  I'LL BE BESIDE YOU. 

AND I CAN'T hitING WAIT.

He will be at work tomorrow and so will I.  And, I do feel scared.  I plan to talk to my principal and deputies about what I should do.  My attorney is out of town on vacation but I did forward emails to his paralegal.  My mom suggested I stay home tomorrow.

This is just horrible.

[atcrossroads]

Livednlearned and everyone -- thanks for all the sharing and advice.  I am now getting truly anxious -- I'm about to depart for work, and my father asked me if I had any pepper spray. I teach (with him!) and obviously cannot carry pepper spray but am considering getting some and/or a concealed weapon's permit for off work hours. Holy crap this is terrifying really.

Lived or anyone who knows -- what is the easiest (i.e. FASTEST) way to do this on an iphone (I have iphone4):  From Lived: "Anytime N/BPDx approached me, I held up my phone and told him I was recording the conversation. Little things like that."  I would think to have video on which records sound but is there a quicker easier way (an app) so I wouldn't be fumbling?

Wish me luck - may have to face him and some real nasty behavior today.  He also said in his email last night:

"Henceforth I will be representing myself.  This is where things begin to get really bad for you."  WTH?  It all sounds very threatening to me!

[Forward2free]

You need to stop contact with him if at all possible. Can you get advice from police about a restraining order? He is threatening you and that's not ok.

BPD/Nxh was furious with me for recording on my iPhone and smashed it on one occasion. I got a watch that recorded sound so he didn't know.

Don't send cards for his dad, you don't owe him anything and you need to put your safety first.

Please be vigilant and call a domestic violence shelter for advice today.

[livednlearned]

During the divorce period, emotions on both sides will run super high. I know it's a hard balance to strike, but try to be as prepared as you can while keeping your anxiety in check. Anxiety is a form of imagination. If your divorce drags on, you'll need to take care of yourself, and that includes figuring out how to manage your stress so that it doesn't exhaust you.

On your iPhone, even if you have a passcode, you should see an icon for a camera. If you put your finger on it and slide up the screen, you can quickly use your phone as a camera, or slide it so that it becomes a video recorder. First, there are two things about recording: One is to change his behavior. If he thinks you're recording him, he will be less likely to do something. Second, if he threatens you verbally or says something you want recorded, you may be able to use it legally. Laws are different depending on which state you live in. In my state, I can record a person covertly without getting their permission.

In my current situation, N/BPDx and I are rarely if ever in the same physical space together. The only time I come into fairly close contact with him is during drop-off and pick-up of my son. Sometimes N/BPDx walks out to my car. When he does, I calmly start recording and tell him it's on. For you, since you're in the same physical space, you may want to invest in a voice recorder or something you can carry in your pocket. Practice turning it on in your pocket. I did that during my marriage and it really jangled my nerves.

I did get some stuff on tape, but it turned out that N/BPDx gave me far better material for court through email.

"Henceforth I will be representing myself.  This is where things begin to get really bad for you."  WTH?  It all sounds very threatening to me!

I like how he thinks things weren't really bad for you in the marriage.  

If he's representing himself legally, be glad. My ex (who was a trial attorney) represented himself and he had no one to help check his thinking. All the disordered thinking and emotional reasoning showed up unfiltered.

[Lady31]

Wow, reading everyone's posts in this thread really hit a nerve for me.

Atcrossroads - our Hs (my now ex as of a week ago) sound VERY similar.  Early on in the marriage I didn't think my H could hurt me physically.  Then I just saw his extreme rages and out of control behavior escalate and escalate.  And then one day things did get physical.  I believe they can snap at any time.  Now I am afraid of him.  So sad.  You just never know what they could actually do once you have seen them start sliding down that slope.

The paranoia also adds a whole different level of issues, I agree with a previous post.  My H was N/BPD, I also agree that this seems to be a more dangerous combination.  My H also believed I was "evil incarnate" and thought I was out to get him.

Toward the end when I had knowledge of PDs, I could see more clearly what was going on and then I started noticing (proof/sure) that a lot of his actions were actually much more calculated than I thought.  That was a chilling revelation.

Atcrossroads - what, if anything, are you doing to search for other employment?  I think this would be a VERY good idea in your situation.  My parents were also TERRIFIED my H would do something to me.  Interesting how others get those gut feelings too.  I say if there are other people who ALSO have anxiety about there being potential for harm coming to you to TRUST that is possible.  I know it's so hard for us to wrap our minds around this as we still want to see them for who we thought they were.  That same issue is one of the reasons we actually put up with so much for so long, and it can blind us if not careful.  BE CAREFUL.

[Forward2free]

Toward the end when I had knowledge of PDs, I could see more clearly what was going on and then I started noticing (proof/sure) that a lot of his actions were actually much more calculated than I thought.  That was a chilling revelation.

This is so true Lady. Actually, once you notice this I think you start seeing all past events differently and I agree that it was downright frightening. There were no rose coloured glasses for me after that. Instead I had to face the fact that BPD/Nxh wasn't a good man who did some bad things, I realised he was a bad man that sometimes did good things. 

It may sound harsh saying it like that, but I knew that I couldn't trust him ever again after seeing things for what they were.

[ForeverDad]

Atcrossroads - what, if anything, are you doing to search for other employment?  I think this would be a VERY good idea in your situation.  My parents were also TERRIFIED my H would do something to me.  Interesting how others get those gut feelings too.  I say if there are other people who ALSO have anxiety about there being potential for harm coming to you to TRUST that is possible.  I know it's so hard for us to wrap our minds around this as we still want to see them for who we thought they were.  That same issue is one of the reasons we actually put up with so much for so long, and it can blind us if not careful.  BE CAREFUL.

Fortunately atcrossroads doesn't have children with stbXH, so that isn't a complicating factor.  Is it difficult to work at a different school?  If not, then a lot depends on who gets the house and how far away other schools are. If you got the house and he chooses to stay you might need to consider moving closer to another school.  I think he got into trouble with school at least once, right?  Would school at some point ask him to work at a different location?

[atcrossroads]

Thank you so much for all the responses.  Here's a brief update:

I only ended up seeing husband 1x at work all week.  I spoke to two deputies who looked at my husband's emails (just 3 pages worth - from this past week).  Based on the emails, even though there were no direct threats of physical violence, they said he is guilty of a Class 1 misdemeanor, Harassment by Computer (a potentially jailable offense).  They said that they believed a judge would issue a protective or restraining order (they are slightly different) based on the pattern established in the emails (I told them I have many, many similar emails).  

It's a fine line to walk, and I know many of you understand this.  Taking him to court to get a restraining order against him would be a HUGE blow to the image/ego of a BPD/NPD man like my husband.  Even the cops said, that doing so sometimes does have the effect of "poking the bear," and it is only a "piece of paper" -- in other words, it can backfire and provoke violence rather than quell it (yes, I know it creates a legal record). All of our colleagues and boss would know about the order, the community, etc.  The deputies encouraged me if I felt in imminent danger to go that day and get an emergency restraining order.  I told them I did not feel in imminent danger.  A couple of our co-workers talked to him at work and said he seemed disheveled and depressed, unable to focus and just unwell.  He is obviously grieving hard for his father, and I don't think he is sleeping or taking care of himself.  

For now, he is going to be "watched" at work.  I am to sit nearest to door at any meeting he attends and have my friends fill the seats near me so I can exit if he explodes or even if I feel uncomfortable.  I have friends who will be walking me to my car.  The deputies told me to be cautious driving, especially being observant at lights and turns.  So, I'm on guard but am not going to seek the order yet.

I will meet with my attorney this week and discuss options.  

Lady - yes, our circumstances sound so similar.  It's downright eerie how many times I've heard that said on this forum!  As far as seeking employment elsewhere -- I actually tried a year ago -- lost the job to a better candidate.  I put a lot of time and energy into that job search -- time and energy that I do not have right now.  Also, I really like my job and have been at same place nearly 20 years!  My best friends and support system are at work- because of that, I do feel quite safe.  Bottom line is that I don't want to leave.  Now, my husband on the other hand constantly complains and maligns our workplace.  ForeverDad mentioned that he's been in trouble at work - good memory!  Two years ago was the beginning of the unraveling.  He is good at what he does but is so reactionary that he is seen as a loose canon (he is a high maintenance employee -- always complaining about everything and yes, he has conflicts). I was surprised that he came back and he may leave yet.  It wouldn't surprise me.  So, for now I stay put -I'm in a good place support-wise and career-wise where I am.  I will have to see how things go.  

Thanks for continued support from all!  It means so much  

[momtara]

It's good that you have intelligent people to talk to who are you on your side.

As for a legal record, you can make a police report without an actual complaint or arrest.  Which would still create a paper trail.  And I don't think he has to know about it.  You could enter the emails as evidence.  I did that when my husband was harassing me by phone last year.  The detectives actually videotaped me as part of some domestic violence project.  But I didn't get a restraining order.  (I had gotten one before and I didn't want to do it again right at that moment.)

[atcrossroads]

Momtara - thank you for your reply and the info -- I had no idea I could leave a legal track regarding the emails WITHOUT him knowing (and setting off a seething rage).

That is VERY interesting and useful info!  My attorney is back in town today, and I imagine we will meet or have a phone consult to discuss the new developments since last week.

I intend to see if I can get those harassing emails on the legal record without filing a motion to get a restraining order.  Thank you!

And, yes, I am quite blessed to have good support.   

[atcrossroads]

Oh, yeah.  He has now told me that a package that I had mistakenly delivered to the house does not exist.  He told me he never saw any packages.  I have the tracking information that says it was delivered to front door with the date.  Ummm... .

He then emailed later and said stop asking him about it -- it's not his problem if I put in the wrong address.   Hmmm.

I'm kicking myself for not unselecting/deleting the default address on the account but I am tired of his continued games and screwing me over.  How hard is it to let me get my dang package?   

**I am considering reporting it to the police as "stolen" -- I wonder if they would go to the house to question him?  I still wouldn't get package back, but maybe it would send a message.  And they would likely get a large whiff of marijuana if they go in house.

He has taken a lot of $$ from me and this package thing is really bothering me!  I need it. 

[ForeverDad]

Well, one thing's sure, nothing will happen if you don't take the next step.  Your choice, do nothing or do something.  Provide police with ex's email, show tracking & delivery paperwork, let them know of the obstruction/sabotage ex has been doing because of the separation/divorce.  Maybe a visit from the police will have an impact.  It may shake loose the package or it may trigger him more.  As I see it, let things trigger him.  Those are consequences.  Walking on eggshells won't prevent him getting triggered by all sorts of other things.  Weight the cost/benefit ratio.