Control Vs Recycling

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've just got home from having some beers with friends, did me a lot of good as it happens.  

I got talking to a guy who's a friend of a friend, and he's studying psychology at university. Naturally this lead to a chat about BPD due to my current situation, but was mindful not to let it take over the evening.

He's of the opinion that that they try to retain as much control as possible during (which I know too well) & after the relationship. On the subject of them returning he said in his view, they are most likely to return when they feel their final grip slipping! I pointed out I am to pay final monies owed to my ex at the end of the month & then we're not tied by anything in any shape or form. He believed that around this time is when she's most likely to dysfunction & either want to talk nicely during this final deal time, or soon afterwards as she won't like the loss of control & it will trigger her fears of abandonment? He reckoned that as long as I owe her the money she will feel control's in her hands & not give it too much thought. But soon as it's judgement day & soon after, she'll be feeling very insecure about our break up & my possibly moving on? He firmly believed recycling timing for them is directed by their perception of how much control they feel they have. As the control slips their urge & efforts to recycle increase.

It was an interesting convo that led me to wonder how much their perception of control has to do with their recycling timings?

[Moonie75]

I've just got home from having some beers with friends, did me a lot of good as it happens.  

I got talking to a guy who's a friend of a friend, and he's studying psychology at university. Naturally this lead to a chat about BPD due to my current situation, but was mindful not to let it take over the evening.

He's of the opinion that that they try to retain as much control as possible during (which I know too well) & after the relationship. On the subject of them returning he said in his view, they are most likely to return when they feel their final grip slipping! I pointed out I am to pay final monies owed to my ex at the end of the month & then we're not tied by anything in any shape or form. He believed that around this time is when she's most likely to dysfunction & either want to talk nicely during this final deal time, or soon afterwards as she won't like the loss of control & it will trigger her fears of abandonment? He reckoned that as long as I owe her the money she will feel control's in her hands & not give it too much thought. But soon as it's judgement day & soon after, she'll be feeling very insecure about our break up & my possibly moving on? He firmly believed recycling timing for them is directed by their perception of how much control they feel they have. As the control slips their urge & efforts to recycle increase.

It was an interesting convo that led me to wonder how much their perception of control has to do with their recycling timings?

[casper324]

Of course it does they cant let go and know how to control.

[Clearmind]

Its a facade because they have no control.

[Moonie75]

I know, it's just their perception.

[danley]

I believe they have no control of themselves. They feel their lives are out control. But they know they can try to control the one that cares the most because let's face it... . the closest ones tend not to abandon them thru their worst times. They know this. It's what normal healthy people do for the ones they care for... . reach out, comfort, support, encourage, empathize.

I noticed every time I begin to get fed up and say or show that I'm sick of things, he magically starts trying harder. At first I thought it was because he was working on himself and making an effort in bettering the situation. But after the third time I saw that it was only in moments where he felt me walking away that he would feel a sense of control lost. He was left with a disconnect from me that terrified him as he was left with the thought that I hate him. He needed me to be the kind person for his own ego and comfort. Our last conversation this weekend was ME walking away and taking control of the SITUATION not HIM.

I'm sure he feels a plethora of emotions now. I cannot put his emotions and well being before my own anymore. Been doing it for three years and it's gotten me no where. I believe they need to control the person that they feel brings them most stability. The one that is a constant rock of sorts. LIKe a parent who loves their child unconditionally regardless of the childs mistakes. Once that source is gone they try to get it back in their own convenient way. They feel lost like a child who was left behind. But they're resourceful in their own ways in trying to break your boundaries. I've had it happen to me a few times. They may want to control what they think they know they can. They can't even control THEMSELVES! So don't let them try to control YOU.

[Moonie75]

Danley,

Really interesting reading your take on it, and your own experience. Gave me food for thought!

[simplyasiam]

i think my ex had to let go her control over me a little at a time to be able to deal with it. 1st few times i went n/c she came runing home. these past two times have done little to her and this last time shes made it 5 days without contacting me. not sure if shes gave up or hust waiting for a reason. school starts here this week im thinking if she going to contact anytime soon it will be then to tell me about how kids are doing in new school.

i have block her in every way i can other than home phone, cant block a cell here till the number calls you.

i really hope i can keep from replying when and if she makes contact

[Moonie75]

. school starts here this week im thinking if she going to contact anytime soon it will be then to tell me about how kids are doing in new school.

i have block her in every way i can other than home phone, cant block a cell here till the number calls you.

i really hope i can keep from replying when and if she makes contact

How can you not have contact if you have children?

You surely want to hear about your kids settling into school?

[LoneWolf768]

Moonie, I've been posting my thoughts on my situation on other boards. Not to beat a dead horse, but my ex and I had it out so bad (I've NEVER had this sort of verbal and emotional abuse by anyone before) that any impulse of contact she may want to initiate with me will be shot down in seconds. This woman has a sponge of a memory. The way I see things, she has no reason whatsoever to try and contact me. She'll get nothing out if it and there is no benefit to her to try.

As far as me being recycled? Nah. I know she's a very, very screwed up woman, but I'm sure she knows her own level of ignorance and stupidity.

Pretty solid stuff the friend of your friend gave you, though. And yes, you'll want to know how your kids are doing. Definitely!

[GreenMango]

Here's a little info on recycling from a survey on post breakup contact- the why's

Does she have this much perceived power?  Do you feel vulnerable to her?

[alonebuthappy]

My uBPD-ex sent this to me 10mins after I dropped off my son tonight

Thank you for spending the day with JJ it sounds like he had a blast. I wish it was not so awkward when you drop him off and pick him up and that we could talk.

Here is something that I just experienced tonight (bare in mind that we are LC [first face to face meeting today] since 8th July) and yes we share S8.  All contact has been via email only since going LC and I have managed to avoid/see her completely during pick-ups using her brother to meet me.  She made sure today she was there at her house as she has been extremely nice since I left her (of course her cheating had nothing to do with it, my fault  ).

This the reason I share this, when she becomes extremely nice it is either she wants something (lose of control) or me, Control vs Recycling.  Since leaving over six weeks ago I control everything in regards to me and me visiting/call/talking to my son, it is always on my terms.  Yes, there is little altercations, but my ex still hasn't figured out how to set up her own email account and get this it is all on work email  .  So, she seems to always stop herself when she realizes that she is about to get angry and it is real hard to hold a good fight via email I learned as you don't have to play !

Picked my son up, went to her door and she opened it to greet me, "Hello, come on in"... . "No, I am here to pick up our Son and I will wait for him the car".  I walked away and went to car.  After I had him, I sent an email informing her when he would be back that evening.  :)rop-off went like this, again walked to door with son, she answered... . "Hello guys, did you have a great time?"  My response was "yep", leaned over to son as we have already said our good-bye's and gave him another kiss and I Love You!

What I am getting at is, YOU control everything about YOU and your WORLD.  There are no control issues or recycling if you don' play, however I know everyone's BPD issues are different and it was a war to get mine where it is now.  Fix you and the rest comes I promise!

Ultimately I wanted to share this with you all, because the calm before the storm starts with her recycling is all to kill me with kindness and then "Can we Talk"!  So, she loses control over me, then I let her back in by talk, thus I lose control and it goes around and around... . that is the past as I want it to be, now there is no communication if it doesn't involve my son.  I control the recycling!

If this can help just one person here I will be so happy, as so many here are helping through this nightmare  

[GreenMango]

Alonebuthappy it sounds like boundary busting.

Asking for inappropriate things given the new relationship, like emotional support and late quasi partner talks.  She can be nice but it doesn't make it anymore appropriate - its still boundary violations. 

And your spot on - you control you.  Your reaction and your good sense.  It makes a huge difference when dealing with these interactions.