Dealing with the pain

[Relentless]

Everything was always my fault. She did apologize very few times. A couple times... . Which makes me sad, because I think I saw some light inside her that with help, she could have been better.

But in painted black and going on 4 weeks silent treatment. I sent one last text Thursday... . She won't hear from me again. Even if I did what she thought I did... . It's so effed up how she reacted... . It was always effed up actually, completely unwarranted levels of anger. Like an army tank of rage when you just need a fly swatter.

I asked if she thought her reaction was as important if not more important than whatever I did/said to cause the anger. Most if not all times, she said, "No, you made me angry, so I react because of what you do/say."

I crushed a lot of eggshells while tip toeing... .

It really blows... . And yet a small (growing smaller each day) part of me wants her to come back... .

[Clearmind]

Thats the million dollar question! Why do we want a relationship back that caused us so much grief?

Answer lies within you Relentless - your ex has made herself pretty clear - we are the ones left hanging by a thread - we have some healing to do of some old wounds.

[Relentless]

Oh yes for sure. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to come back one day. But I guess I also wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't. It's totally warped thinking.

What she thinks I did certainly doesn't warrant this. Plus... . What about forgiveness? She claims to be a good catholic... . Silent treatment doesn't exactly fit that... .

I stayed plenty of times when I should have gone. Yeah. It's all crazy. I gave her more than most men give... . I can say that because I gave her more than I gave anyone else. And I generally gave a lot.

I hope she tries to come back. I yelled at her one time and said hurtful things... . After months of being abused emotionally. There were soo many good memories. I find it difficult that she can just stay mad forever and not eventually be triggered to think about the good times.

[Clearmind]

Giving too much Relentless is something to work through and find out the reasons within you – in why you gave so much you sacrificed yourself to make someone else happy.

We need to simply forgive ourselves for getting into in the first place. We need to accept that we will not get closure from our ex’s.

[laelle]

You cant cure pain with pain... . Being with her admittedly causes you pain.  You cure hurt with detaching, self focus, grieving and setting off in a new direction older, smarter and alot wiser.  This is your chance to grow if you let yourself.

Whether you saw a light in her is a mute point... . Knowing what you know about BPD as well as how she treated you, you would never trust her again.  Doing so would be a danger to your own mental and physical health.  Sometimes we have to put the little girl or boy inside of us away, and put on our adult/wisemind pants and do what is best for us rather than let our feelings rule us.

I dealt with my pain by confronting it.  Struggling, crying, being angry and depressed... . I used the tools and camaraderie offered here on bpdfamily, and I suffered through it.

It was 5 months today in fact that we ended our relationship.  I care about him, but I have no fear, obligation or guilt that I owe him ANYTHING.  I hope that he finds what he is looking for and get the assistance that he needs, but I have no part to play in that.  He was a moment in time and that time has past.

No longer do I wake up in a panic, or fear I will miss an email.  I am not on call to nurture his emotional well being 24 hours a day.  I am no longer lied to or demeaned.

I do not have to battle the dream vs reality in my head anymore.  It was a dream... . a nightmare.

[snappafcw]

This is all good advice... . I would like some of my own. My situation is exactly the same... . All of it except I'm also high in the public eye in my area for work. I've slowly been detaching and feeling better about myself after my break with my ex girlfriend but being in the entertainment industry I'm constantly surrounded by people who want to use you for all the freebies, attention ect. I think being in that environment is not helping me recover my self worth but its a catch 22 as I do enjoy my job. I guess I would just love to know how not to let toxic people rent space in my head. I hate that I'm losing faith in people i don't want to carry bitterness in my heart.

[Relentless]

Snapp, interestingly enough. I'm actually a performer and am relatively known in my city (in this particular area of entertainment)... . No I'm not a stripper... .

Either way. It really sucks.

This is great advice. Each day I wake up less anxious. I really do hope she tries to come back someday. I know it's not healthy, but I hope she tries.

The love... . I was real in it. I endured so much and believed in making things work.

She left at the drop of a second after I final yelled back. I'm a great guy, I make mistakes. I've had relationships where there were terrible fights... . But even.

With her, it was her yelling and not listening. Her way or the highway. It was messed up.

I think my biggest thing is that she just left. If it was true love, you don't just up and leave after one time.

Blah... . Idk. I'm bitter... I typed I'm butter first... . Glad I caught that.

Bitter and hurt. It sucks. I want her to try to come back just to validate. She said she's done and closed the door and never looking back. Even BPD, they have to realize how good it was at some point right? It's insane.

When it snows how can she not be reminded of the giant heart I walked in the snow to surprise her. When its her birthday how can she not remember the awesome day I planned for her to which she said it was her best birthday ever. How can she watch fireworks and not remember the picnic I planned to surprise her at the lakefront to watch fireworks... .

I could go on... . But that's what I don't get. Ok, done for now.