Addiction and Self Worth

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex is getting married this weekend so it's been hard lately. But I was just venting out loud and trying to figure out why this bothers me. It shouldn't because she treated me like crap and she's treated her soon to be husband like crap by cheating on him with me 20 or so times. So I kept thinking about what it is that I'm really missing... .

I don't think it's her. I think she pumped up my self worth in the idealization phase to a point where I've never had it because 1) it was always low and 2) I never had been in a serious relationship until I got into one with her. I never felt so wanted.

So after the idealization phase she started acting up and I started finding out more and more about her messed up ways involving keeping ex's around and triangulating. I remember the first real fight and discovery that while I was out of town she called and told me that she was staying at her ex's that night but I had nothing to worry about and then hung up and turned off her phone. Well it happened twice while I was gone and I should have ended it there. I didn't because in the short time we had been dating I had become addicted to the self worth that she could give me - something that I didn't realize was an issue.  Things got progressively worse and finally after some 5 months of dating I ended it for good when she told me I had competition from other guys a day after one of the best times we ever had together. At that point I was mentally and physically done. Not taking her back was like trying to quit an addiction. Even after I broke up with her and she got a new guy instantly, we still would hook up. That lasted another 6 or so months. I realized I wasn't healing because I couldn't give up my addiction to the self worth she would give me in small dosages now. Only by the end I could because she was now engaged and her attempts to hook me couldn't work because hanging out with an engaged ex only lowered self worth. I felt dirty.

I should feel lucky that she got engaged and is getting married because earlier I wouldn't have been strong enough to keep her away. It's like being an alcoholic and having liquor bottles call you up to hang out. She's an alcoholic too by the way. Even now it is hard to stay NC and I realize that I can justify it so much more because she is engaged/married. She called me last night... 4 days before her wedding and I didn't respond. If she was single and called me last night... I don't know if I'd be strong enough.

So after 5 months of dating and another 6 or 7 of hooking up... I went NC and really began the healing. Did I love her? Yeah, I did... and probably still do deep down but I also can't lie to myself that I was using her just as much as she was using me. I don't know if anyone else feels this way about the self worth in these relationships. I've realized that I've always lacked it and I'm trying to build it up to where I was when I was with her. I don't know if that is possible. It also makes this hard because I'm looking for a new job now and not having that really cuts down on the self esteem.

The one thing I think that will get me out of this funk and let me move on forever is to get that self worth back. And on that note... going to the gym.

[me757]

My ex is getting married this weekend so it's been hard lately. But I was just venting out loud and trying to figure out why this bothers me. It shouldn't because she treated me like crap and she's treated her soon to be husband like crap by cheating on him with me 20 or so times. So I kept thinking about what it is that I'm really missing... .

I don't think it's her. I think she pumped up my self worth in the idealization phase to a point where I've never had it because 1) it was always low and 2) I never had been in a serious relationship until I got into one with her. I never felt so wanted.

So after the idealization phase she started acting up and I started finding out more and more about her messed up ways involving keeping ex's around and triangulating. I remember the first real fight and discovery that while I was out of town she called and told me that she was staying at her ex's that night but I had nothing to worry about and then hung up and turned off her phone. Well it happened twice while I was gone and I should have ended it there. I didn't because in the short time we had been dating I had become addicted to the self worth that she could give me - something that I didn't realize was an issue.  Things got progressively worse and finally after some 5 months of dating I ended it for good when she told me I had competition from other guys a day after one of the best times we ever had together. At that point I was mentally and physically done. Not taking her back was like trying to quit an addiction. Even after I broke up with her and she got a new guy instantly, we still would hook up. That lasted another 6 or so months. I realized I wasn't healing because I couldn't give up my addiction to the self worth she would give me in small dosages now. Only by the end I could because she was now engaged and her attempts to hook me couldn't work because hanging out with an engaged ex only lowered self worth. I felt dirty.

I should feel lucky that she got engaged and is getting married because earlier I wouldn't have been strong enough to keep her away. It's like being an alcoholic and having liquor bottles call you up to hang out. She's an alcoholic too by the way. Even now it is hard to stay NC and I realize that I can justify it so much more because she is engaged/married. She called me last night... 4 days before her wedding and I didn't respond. If she was single and called me last night... I don't know if I'd be strong enough.

So after 5 months of dating and another 6 or 7 of hooking up... I went NC and really began the healing. Did I love her? Yeah, I did... and probably still do deep down but I also can't lie to myself that I was using her just as much as she was using me. I don't know if anyone else feels this way about the self worth in these relationships. I've realized that I've always lacked it and I'm trying to build it up to where I was when I was with her. I don't know if that is possible. It also makes this hard because I'm looking for a new job now and not having that really cuts down on the self esteem.

The one thing I think that will get me out of this funk and let me move on forever is to get that self worth back. And on that note... going to the gym.

[ucmeicu2]

So I kept thinking about what it is that I'm really missing... . <cut> I don't think it's her. I think she pumped up my self worth <cut>  I never felt so wanted.

<cut> I had become addicted to the self worth that she could give me - something that I didn't realize was an issue.  <cut> Not taking her back was like trying to quit an addiction. <cut> I realized I wasn't healing because I couldn't give up my addiction to the self worth she would give me in small dosages now. <cut> It's like being an alcoholic and having liquor bottles call you up to hang out. She's an alcoholic too by the way.

<cut> Did I love her? Yeah, I did... and probably still do deep down but I also can't lie to myself that I was using her just as much as she was using me. I don't know if anyone else feels this way about the self worth in these relationships. I've realized that I've always lacked it and I'm trying to build it up to where I was when I was with her. I don't know if that is possible.

hi Me, i'm sorry you're hurting but honestly i found your post so inspirational.  and difficult to read.  my xBPDgf was also an alcoholic (i am 7 yrs sober), and i realized i was addicted to her during the recycling phase of the r/s, yet i could not break free! 

i quit smoking cigarettes!  i quit drinking alcohol!  nothing i mean NOTHING has been harder for me to quit than HER.  i been at it for abt 1.5 yrs now ~ i have 6 months of NC under my belt ~ and still no end in sight.

icu2

[Learning_curve74]

Good for you me757!

We have to get something out of it otherwise we would not have stayed with our pwBPD for any length of time. Almost everybody loves to be loved or at least needed. I understand very well now why my friends would say that I "deserve better", and it's because I do.    When you feel like you deserve better than a simple ego boost, that's a big step. Hope you had a good workout at the gym.

[fromheeltoheal]

I didn't because in the short time we had been dating I had become addicted to the self worth that she could give me - something that I didn't realize was an issue.

Yes.  I've heard it said that we don't miss our BPD, we miss the sense of aliveness we felt around them.  Thanks for the lesson BPD; time to come alive on our own.

[me757]

Gym went well. It always helps. It's just been a lot harder these last 2 weeks but the longer I stay away from her, the easier it gets.

Ucmeicu2 - I find that by doing stuff like the gym, improv comedy and making new friends my self worth increases and it gets better. It was a lot harder when I couldn't do any of these things because I was too depressed. I also find that maintaining NC gives me a sense of control over things and makes me feel like I'm finally focusing on myself rather than my ex's.