Live in GF has BPD. I want out.

[fft524]

My live-in GF has BPD, and I need to get out of the situation to protect myself. The apartment is in my name only, I pay all the bills... . she is a full time student and helped out by cleaning, laundry, etc. She has done some pretty terrible things and lied extensively to cover her tracks out of guilt and the knowledge that I'd leave/break up if I found out. When I try to discuss the situation, it leads to insults, storming out, threatening to leave, etc. Verbal abuse sucks. She lost her key, so I had the locks changed. She's been spending more and more time with her mother at her place, which I see as a good thing. She has threatened to leave, and even started packing. I tried to help, at her request, and was told not to touch her stuff. It's horribly toxic, and I want out. She's in between mood swings at the moment, so things are back to normal... . for her. I'm deeply hurt, sad, and disappointed. I've already started withdrawing from her, and it obviously bothers her. She's redoubled her efforts to draw me back in. Intuitively, she knows what's coming. I have to get out to protect myself, but despite everything, I do have empathy for the girl. She really is a very good person, she just has a 5000 pound gorilla on her back. I can't separate the two, I can't fix it, and I can't stay. Many friends, and even my T have suggested just boxing up her things and leaving them at her parents' place, no warning, just an "it's over, don't come back." That seems awfully impersonal and cold, especially in light of the fact that I'm leaving someone who already has very low self-worth and crushing guilt and shame. I've tried very very hard to tell and show her that she IS worthy of being loved, that she IS a good person, but she has to believe it for herself. I'm just her boyfriend, not her counselor (she refuses to talk to one), and I've done everything I can do. I just want to get out of this with as little additional pain or damage (on either of our parts) as possible. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Perfidy]

Hello there fft524. Hope you are doing well.

You know your situation better than anyone else that you will ever talk to. You will do whatever you will do no matter what anyone tells you.

That being said, I was at that very point a long time ago. Hindsight being 20/20 I would have done whatever was necessary to end the relationship however I could. Knowing what I know now and having endured 7 and a half years of madness I would have ended it and not even worried about how she felt about it. If I had known how crappy I would ultimately feel as a result of the toxicity and the length of time that it takes to get over it... . IT ISN'T WORTH IT!

Sorry about the screaming!

[Learning_curve74]

It's horribly toxic, and I want out. She's in between mood swings at the moment, so things are back to normal... . for her. I'm deeply hurt, sad, and disappointed. I've already started withdrawing from her, and it obviously bothers her. She's redoubled her efforts to draw me back in. Intuitively, she knows what's coming. I have to get out to protect myself, but despite everything, I do have empathy for the girl. She really is a very good person, she just has a 5000 pound gorilla on her back. I can't separate the two, I can't fix it, and I can't stay. Many friends, and even my T have suggested just boxing up her things and leaving them at her parents' place, no warning, just an "it's over, don't come back." That seems awfully impersonal and cold, especially in light of the fact that I'm leaving someone who already has very low self-worth and crushing guilt and shame. I've tried very very hard to tell and show her that she IS worthy of being loved, that she IS a good person, but she has to believe it for herself. I'm just her boyfriend, not her counselor (she refuses to talk to one), and I've done everything I can do. I just want to get out of this with as little additional pain or damage (on either of our parts) as possible. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

fft524, you sound exactly like I felt about my BPDex! I didn't want to give up on her, I felt so much empathy for her because of her mental illness and other baggage, and yes, she was at times a great sweet person that I really loved. Her self esteem was so low, so I always tried to encourage her. But some friends and even a counselor told me to just dump her, and the longer it went on before we broke up, the more devastating it would be emotionally for both of us. I couldn't do it when I was first told, but I reached the point where I knew I couldn't stay unless I were to give up who I am only for her sake.

One way to detach slowly and gently is by reducing the amount of time together, although sometimes that triggers the BPD to jump on the next train ASAP. This approach is more difficult if you live together since you'll see each other all the time you both are at home. It may sound cold, but if you're 100% sure this is the end, sometimes just ripping the bandage off in one swift motion is painful but much less painful than trying to slowly pull it off. If you do this, make sure to protect yourself by making sure she can't get back into your place and be ready for anything. She may try to convince everybody you are the bad guy with a smear campaign, she may call and text you all the time, she may stalk you, she may threaten suicide. You need to have a strategy to handle any of her possible responses. Good luck.

[Aussie0zborn]

You sound like a nice guy but nice guys finish last. We understand your feelings more than anyone else could, so I feel for you. The reality is that you can save yourself a LOT of grief by ending it now.

I did all the nice guy stuff but today myBPD wife was canoodling with her lover in the court room. Made me sick, not because he looks like a slug but because anything I did for her is not just forgotten, but denied too. It is highly unlikely you will get any real thanks for anything you do for her.

You will feel a lot worse when she claims half of your house. Oh, that won't happen to you? Yeah, right. That's what so many of us said.

Save yourself the grief, end it with empathy and involve her parents if possible so that there are no accusations against you. You will then have the time and space to heal. I wish you luck and I hope you come out of it not blaming yourself or being in the position that so many of us are in.

[fft524]

From what you're all saying, and from everything I'm reading, it sounds like a quick, unexpected break is the only humane way to go... . for either of us. I hate the thought of doing it that way, and honestly, I hate the thought of ending this, but it obviously isn't healthy. I shouldn't have to be considering an escape plan for a breakup, I shouldn't be considering moving so she can't find me, I shouldn't be having to go through this much discomfort in or out of a relationship. Breaking up sucks anyway, but this is a whole new level of twisted. (Disclaimer: that's not a value judgement on her or anyone else, just my assessment of the overall situation.) We haven't been together a year yet, and things just got bad within the past month and a half, but I can already tell that this is extremely detrimental, toxic, and potentially outright dangerous. Anyone have any suggestions on how to work up the courage to actually carry out the breakup/moving her out? I know intuitively with 100% certainty that it has to happen, and very soon, but I also know that it's going to be painful and traumatic during and probably for a while afterwards. I'm trying to plan for worst-case scenarios (e.g. suicide threats, showing up at my work/home, smear campaigns, etc.), and it scares the hell out of me. I've started finding the clarity I'm looking for as far as why she did what she did, but now it's a matter of how to proceed while protecting myself and attempting to minimize the trauma on us both. Help!

[catnap]

If she has a key to the new lock, have it re-keyed, or changed again.  This protects you from sudden visits.  The other thing to protect yourself from is to never be alone with her. . .many members here have been falsely accused of domestic violence.

Box up her things, and take them to her parent's house.  Please have a third party (non-relative) adult go with you.  This is a precaution to give you a reliable witness. 

While this may seem cold and heartless, it is about protecting you.

Long story short. . .my son was in similar situation (only him on lease and paid all of the bills) his attorney advised him to do the exact thing--change locks and pack up her stuff.  The only difference is that he placed her things in a storage unit and had a third party (private process server) give her the key and a TRO (temporary restraining order).

[bpdspell]

I can't separate the two, I can't fix it, and I can't stay. Many friends, and even my T have suggested just boxing up her things and leaving them at her parents' place, no warning, just an "it's over, don't come back." That seems awfully impersonal and cold, especially in light of the fact that I'm leaving someone who already has very low self-worth and crushing guilt and shame.

You are correct. You cannot separate BPD from the person that she is. Her and her BPD are one and the same. BPD is a character disordered and is emotionally hardwired into their personality. If we are to be with them their BPD comes with the package.

What's awfully impersonal and cold is the way the treat us: the cheating, the lies, the manipulation, and all the hurt they cause. That's what's cold and impersonal. While we may have compassion for their disorder your guilt will not fix an impossible situation. BPD is not your burden to carry.

Packing up her things sounds like the way to go; particularly because you are paying all the bills. Her manipulation of the inevitable breakup is only buying her time and wearing down your emotional decision to take better care of you. You deserve to have peace and you are entitled to end this toxic dance.

Spell

[fft524]

It got reinforced to me yesterday and this morning that leaving has to happen soon. She berated me for a good 20 minutes because I got home five minutes before I said I would. She couldn't accept the fact that I got home early thanks to traffic being not as bad as usual. That only took 45 minutes to clear up. She's been staying with me at night, but leaves when I do because she lost her key (God knows where), and I had the keycode changed and didn't get her a new one. She spent 40 minutes today calling me every name in the book because I wouldn't give her mine; she was mad because she was headed to her mom's house (5 mins away) anyway to work out, and would have to take a shower there instead of coming back to my place. To be fair, I understand her frustration and why the situation is kind of ridiculous, but she can't or won't understand my point of view. It's like the complete betrayal of my trust that she perpetrated never happened. To make it worse, she's lying and gaslighting her mom, who's doing it secondhand to me (perhaps not realizing it.) At least I see it for what it is... . She left this morning with a barrage of insults and an ultimatum that either I give her a key or she's moving back in with her mom. (One can only hope.) She throws me sometimes, because she's very intelligent and can be well-spoken and logical, but then the BPD part of her mind comes out and it's like a switch flipped. I'm (obviously) not going to give her a key, and I'm goin g to give her a chance to follow through on her threat to move out. I just want her gone, and am trying to find the courage to do it. I'm also very concerned about how this will affect my future relationships; I took several huge leaps of faith with her, and the rocks at the bottom of that cliff are hard and pointy.

[Perfidy]

The edge will be softened for you if you take a more proactive part. The passiveness will lead you more into suffering. Trust me on this one. If you wait for her to dump you the pain will be magnified. It's over and you know it. Don't suffer more than you have to. Pain is mandatory suffering is optional. Good luck I hope all goes well.

[eyvindr]

fft --

I'm really sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. It's all so disruptive, and familiar, sadly.

The good thing is that it does sound like you're thinking clearly, and recognizing things for what they are -- serious dysfunctional behaviors caused by the illness.

From what you're all saying, and from everything I'm reading, it sounds like a quick, unexpected break is the only humane way to go... . for either of us. I hate the thought of doing it that way, and honestly, I hate the thought of ending this, but it obviously isn't healthy.

You aren't alone. So very very many of us have felt the same thing -- as you clearly say later:

Breaking up sucks anyway, but this is a whole new level of twisted. (Disclaimer: that's not a value judgement on her or anyone else, just my assessment of the overall situation.)

And here:

I shouldn't have to be considering an escape plan for a breakup , I shouldn't be considering moving so she can't find me , I shouldn't be having to go through this much discomfort in or out of a relationship .  We haven't been together a year yet, and things just got bad within the past month and a half, but I can already tell that this is extremely detrimental , toxic , and potentially outright dangerous .

You're seeing the red flags flying wild and free -- don't ignore them!

You sound like a decent person, trying not to hurt someone you clearly care about. But you have to take care of yourself. Best wishes for a smooth outcome.

[Dire Wolf]

Wow.

Perfidy, you said it perfectly: Pain is mandatory suffering is optional.

FFT: Of course there is pain with the break up of a relationship. It is because you care. The problem is that there is so much "noise" created by the BPD that a reasonable and swift break up that will be cooperative is likely impossible.

I agree that you need to take the lead and be proactive. You know what to expect with the tantrums. But heck, it sounds like you are dealing with them now anyway --- and she still lives with you. Once she is gone you can start to heal. But this limbo stage is torture. We know your pain but you need to bite the bullet.

Good luck.

Dire Wolf

[GreenMango]

As far as my experience, once you make this decision commit to it.  Lock it in.  Chisel it to stone. 

Going back and forth - breaking up and getting back together just makes it more traumatizing.  Imagine the pain you feel now and magnify it by 1000.

There is a way to make the decision immediately but do the slow escape.  It tends to trigger a person like this less.  You can still change the locks and start to put yourself first.

Here's an article on how to breakup with a person with BPD

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Does this seem doable?  A little safer?

[Perfidy]

I read that article on how to break up with pwBPD. Almost game playing if you ask me. The prescribed behavior is almost borderline in its self! Fight fire with fire?

[fft524]

I've already started detaching and intentionally being boring. I'm only partially faking the depression and confusion. After this morning's escapade, she informed me that if I hadn't called her by 5 to let her know I'm on my way home that she will just stay with her mom. It's pretty tempting to not call and pack her things. My only concern with that plan is that she'll come over anyway, and then it'll be tantrum time.

I can park somewhere else, but I don't deserve to have to hide in my own home. That's ridiculous. I have to get her out asap, but I'm still formulating the details of my plan. I don't THINK she'd get violent, she usually just cuts people out of her life completely. Being her very soon to be ex, though, I don't know. I just know thatI have although I care very much about her, I have to care about myself more. Apologies for the typos, my phone doesn't like the forms on here for some reason.

[GreenMango]

Being hurt, confused or depressed is pretty common.  It's okay to just I'm not doing real well with all this.  I need to focus on me.  That's really what the breakup article is saying because it doesn't blame and it makes it about you.  They can try to argue it but if that's the broken record it will sink in if your actions match your words consistently.


I'm not sure if its a fight fire with fire situation.  Lots of times we can be really ambivalent too because of the dynamic.

Giving yourself a chance to detach slowly too and chew on the reasons why can help make the breakup less traumatic both ways.

Ideally you could just say fix this, or we fix this or we are done.  Then its understood, but in situations where there's high volatility, other risks, mental illness reason isn't usually the go to... . sometimes a quick break triggers all kinds of conflict it chaos.

This doesn't preclude being decisive on how you feel though and moving towards that goal.

Apologies for the typos, my phone doesn't like the forms on here for some reason.

same here.  Join the club.  Autospeller!

[GreenMango]

Also I'm not talking about using thus method to deal with violence.  Whole other ball game. 

[fft524]

Anyone have any advice on how to force myself to leave/get her out? I understand that I'm going to have to just DO it, but that's taking a huge leap. I don't really have a choice, because I realized this morning just how bad my condition is right now. I'm not considering doing anything stupid, but it was one of those moments of clarity this morning as I realized that this will absolutely never work, there is no chance that this can be fixed, and that it's slowly destroying me. We had another argument because I wasn't going to work at the time she thought I should, to the point where she was trying to force me to get up and leave, even though I was still asleep. She threatened (again) to go stay with her mom, told me she was done with me, that she couldn't be with someone who "stays in bed and is useless all day" (I took an hour of leave and was at work accordingly.) She finally left, and I went back to sleep, but it was this odd state somewhere between sleeping and awake. I wasn't intentionally meditating, but my mind was working, although I wasn't conscious. During that, it became crystal clear that I have to end this r/s to save myself; it was odd, because there was no emotion attached to that realization, and there's usually this huge rush of sadness, disappointment, and fear when I think about that possibility. This time, there was nothing. I read the article on "how to stop ruminating," and the suggestions in it do work, amazingly quickly, actually.

I'm just so tired today. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. It's a blessing that she hasn't tried to call or text today, because I don't even want to think about her, much less see her. Just looking at her hurts. I've considered not going home at all, but just getting a hotel room and sleeping so I don't have to deal with her crap tonight. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of always being wrong/not good enough/being the bad guy. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of questioning myself and my own sanity.

I realized that the girl I'm in love with doesn't exist; she's a combination of a construct in my mind and a false front on BpGF's part. When I'm not physically around her, I feel a little better... . The situation isn't staring me in the face, alternating between being ecstatic that we're together and spitting hate and vitriol in my face. It's tough, because there's this gorgeous, sexy girl that is physically exactly what I want, but behind the wheel of that body is this hateful demonic beast. I believe that people are intrinsically good, but this disorder makes a really strong case for evil in the world.

Sorry for the long post, just needed a brain dump.         

[Perfidy]

Ok then. I was in a position very similar to that which you describe. I wanted her to leave. She refused. The only two choices that I had were either let her stay and hope it gets better or call the cops on her. Right now I am regretting not calling the cops to have her removed or going to a judge and getting an injunction. Really sorry because it never got any better and now I am suffering the worst suffering that I have ever suffered. Do what you have to do. Don't worry one little tiny bit about her. Chew your leg off if you have to.

[fft524]

She knows what she's doing is wrong. She knows its manipulative. She's trying so hard to pull me back in, and she gets so angry when it doesn't work. She went the route of making dinner and buying expensive presents today, and was calling and texting me all excited about them. She fussed a little about me not giving her my key again, although she was in a heinous mood when she left this morning. It was my fault as usual, even though she was telling me at the time how worthless I am. "Thanks for the input darling, have a great day"? I think not. My escape plan is coming along nicely, it's going to have to be a suprise move, for sure. I don't think she'll leave willingly, politely, or without police involvement if I mention her moving out, regardless of how civil I am.

[Perfidy]

That is what I WISHED I would have done. Involved the law. Hindsight being 20/20. I got to the point where I was afraid of her. I would startle and wake up defensive. The whole situation got so creepy that I was afraid of defending myself and actually hurting her. You really don't want it to digress to that point. It's no damn wonder that I have all this horrible crap coming out of me.

[fft524]

I've had similar concerns; I'm not scared of her (perhaps I should be?), that's why it's going to have to be a surprise move. She's ok if  leaving is -her- idea, she storms out and then comes back within 30 mins or so. If it's mine... . I dunno. I'm starting to think that renting a storage locker and putting her things there and giving her a key is the way to go; she's SO paranoid about things, and (with my help) she's gotten to where she doesn't have her family painted black anymore; there for a while she was staying with me, but she refused to see anyone or even go outside. We ordered chinese food one night, and when the guy rang the doorbell, I turned around to find her standing at the top of the stairs with a backpack, putting on her shoes and getting ready to run because she thought it was her family or the police. That's been over a month ago, and I still haven't figured that one out. Point is, I don't want to take her things to her family, because she'd likely paint them black too, accuse them of plotting with me, and we'd be right back to where we were before where no one knew where she was or if she was ok. At this point, I know that there's really nothing I can do about her safety or stability other than set it up where she sees her family as a safe haven once I'm gone. Manipulative, I know, but at least I'm trying to manipulate because I care, not out of Bpd or malice. I still don't like it.

It's killing me to be thinking this way, I've been on the receiving end of a sudden NC move, and it was one of the most devastating things that's happened to me. (Whole other story; looking back, I get why she did it.) I don't understand the Bpd mindset as well as I'd like to (can any non?), but I still have a very deep empathy and love for her; it sucked when NC happened to me, and I'm not dealing with a mood disorder. I still find myself trying to look at it from her side of things, which I realize is likely impossible to do with any accuracy. It's  just tough trying to figure out an empathetic way to do this when it involves trying to understand someone who doesn't understand themselves. Feeling like that has to be the most frightening, lonely place imaginable.

It breaks my heart to know that the only thing I can do is protect myself, and in doing so it's only going to make that place worse than it already is, at least temporarily. I realize that I have to not care (in a sense) if I'm going to be able to do this, but that goes against who I am. Hell of a place to be: run the very real risk of losing yourself to someone else's disorder, or save yourself by becoming something you're not.

Anyone read Catch-22?

[Learning_curve74]

I still find myself trying to look at it from her side of things, which I realize is likely impossible to do with any accuracy. It's  just tough trying to figure out an empathetic way to do this when it involves trying to understand someone who doesn't understand themselves. Feeling like that has to be the most frightening, lonely place imaginable.

It breaks my heart to know that the only thing I can do is protect myself, and in doing so it's only going to make that place worse than it already is, at least temporarily. I realize that I have to not care (in a sense) if I'm going to be able to do this, but that goes against who I am. Hell of a place to be: run the very real risk of losing yourself to someone else's disorder, or save yourself by becoming something you're not.

fft524, you are in a tough place. You leaving will probably hurt her very much, I know my BPDex was very hurt. The fear of abandonment is very real. Remember it hurts you too. The one thing that pushed me to break it off was exactly what you said: I was losing myself by becoming somebody I couldn't recognize. Don't get me wrong, I still feel awful to abandon my BPDex, but to stay meant to abandon myself.

Another thing to consider is that it is best to do it now. The longer you drag it out, the worse it will hurt for both of you. This is true in normal relationships.

[FinallyFreeInNYC]

You will start to realize that you can't live like this forever. I also had a live-in exBPDgf who could not support herself. Granted, her staying with me was only supposed to be temporary until she could "get on her feet," but I soon realized that this was never going to happen. So I set boundaries. I told her I could only continue to support her until XYZ date. After that, she had to move-out if she wanted to stay together. She moved-out (although she still pretty much slept at my place every night). However, at least it got her things out of my apartment and ultimately created enough space for me to break it off entirely.

After you break up with her (and you will, since this cannot go on forever), BE VERY PREPARED FOR THE FALLOUT. I did not know about BPD when I broke-up with my exBPDgf and here is what happened:

- She started seeing another man almost IMMEDIATELY. This is almost guaranteed going to happen to you. Be prepared for this. Mine pretty much moved-in with the new guy on Day 1.

- When I found out about the new guy, she reacted out of shame and began cutting herself (on her leg), sending me pictures of my name finger-painted in blood on her leg.

- She then threatened suicide, which prompted a call to the police and a car sent to her house.

I repeat -- SHE WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE VERY FAST. It is how they survive. There is nothing more frightening to someone with BPD than being alone. And she will do extremely manipulative things in order to guilt you into taking her back. She will post her new relationship all over Facebook, Instagram, etc. She will tell you how she has "changed" in all the ways you wanted. Don't buy into it.

After you break up with her, remember: She isn't in a relationship by choice, but rather because she cannot live (literally) without one. That is not what a healthy mature relationship looks like. You deserve better.

[aloha1983]

So true- it needs to happen soon as being in limbo is not helpful either to yourself or to her.

It sounds like she isn't strong enough to break it off herself so you will have to be the one to do it. This is what I had to do with my ex. All his friends and family think I'm a horrible person but it was worth it to not have to deal with the stress.

The way you have to deliver it is with tough love, that means she can't try to weasel or compromise anything out of you. Make sure you have therapy lined up too, as well as supportive friends. I experienced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after my break up and still do from time to time.

Get a friend or family member to help you drive her stuff to her mums. I would recommend writing a letter or email as if you do it in person they will scream, cry and try to convince you to give them another chance. Tell her you wish her well and hope she gets better but that you won't be her punching bag.

Good luck and let us know how you go.

[fft524]

Well, my plan is this: her belongings boxed neatly in a self storage locker, she gets the key. All avenues of contact shut off/blocked/etc. I'm looking into the requirements for obtaining a restraining order. I'm DONE. I'm sick of being treated like some subhuman punching bag. Sickeningly enough, I'm beginning to get the feeling that her family knows about her condition, but either doesn't understand the severity... . or they're in denial.

[Perfidy]

Fft the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. My ex,her sister, her mother... . All BPD. The sister living back home with mom and dad. Just our of a relationship with a restraining order on her. It is close to codependency in nature because disorder is normal to them. Honestly... . There is no love in that house and it sure as hell shows.   

[GreenMango]

Well, my plan is this: her belongings boxed neatly in a self storage locker, she gets the key. All avenues of contact shut off/blocked/etc. I'm looking into the requirements for obtaining a restraining order. I'm DONE. I'm sick of being treated like some subhuman punching bag. Sickeningly enough, I'm beginning to get the feeling that her family knows about her condition, but either doesn't understand the severity... . or they're in denial.

It sounds like your there ... . To the point of exhaustion.

I've noticed a couple of themes around here the partner (us) is too worn down and exhausted by it all that another day doesn't seem humanly possible or the person leaves and we are heart broken.  Both are hard.

Sometimes normal is as normal does.  They may know.  It may be normal in that household.

Take care of you.  You sound like you need a rest.

[fft524]

This morning was it. After a bad night, she started yelling obscenities at me through the open front door, in front of my neighbor and his two year old daughter. I had my phone in my pocket, and pressed the button for the voice recorder.When she heard it beep, she hit me. Her things are packed, the storage locker is rented, and I'm moving her out. Enough is enough. Now, 3 hours later, she's tagging me in all kinds of sweet pictures of us from when we first met. No one outside this site or my T understand anything about whats going on. Its like they dont believe me. My family is very supportive, but they're 3 states away. She doesn't know whats about to happen, and that's unnerving.

[Perfidy]

If you go through with it fft you will be way smarter than I was.

[goodguy]

I feel your pain fft. It sounds like a very unhealthy situation and one that you need to get out of. Sadly, the best outcome for you will probably be for her to find another partner quickly. She will not let go until this happens (unless she is committed to working on herself in therapy - the best option - but it doesn't sound like it is the case). It will likely happen quickly; mine got with the next one the night we broke up.