Live in GF has BPD. I want out.

[Learning_curve74]

Standard push/pull and I hate you, don't leave me BPD responses... .

You are far along and doing the right thing for yourself and probably for her too.

[fft524]

Well, I went through with it. Her stuff is out of my house, but so am I, at least temporarily. It's funny almost, she was more concerned with the fact that her grandfather found out... . ( I asked for advice on how to deal with the situation, her mom is BPD too, I'm pretty sure, so no go there) I asked him for advice, and he tried to soften the blow on her... . she was more p-d off that he was involved than that I had actually moved her out of the house. Most women would be upset by that too, but would be more concerned with the fact that the relationship is over, instead of that someone else knows about the s-t she's been trying to hide... . go figure. At present, I'm in a hotel across town enjoying the feeling of actually being able to relax, even if it's just a little and my phone is probably going to melt down from the incessant texting. I hate hiding out, but it's SO great to not be walking on eggshells. This escapade has cost north of $200 today, but it's worth every cent to not be wondering what's coming next... . at least temporarily. It's sad, though, her family keeps trying to tell me to just forgive and forget or get over it when it comes to the things she's done (and continues to do). I realize I'm not perfect, and could probably have handled some things better, but I'm sorry... . there's no excuse for cheating, lying to cover it up, taking advantage of someone and then hitting them and swearing at them for trivial things because they're frustrated, confused, and depressed by your behavior. They chalk hers up to frustration, and to a point I agree, but SERIOUSLY? If the situation were reversed, I'd be sporting a prison jumpsuit already, no questions asked.

[Aussie0zborn]

Congratulations. You handled it like a perfect gentleman and saved yourself a lot of grief. It sounds like you know what to do next - total NC and if you find yourself floundering, picture that prison jumpsuit.  I don't think you would look that good in it.

[fft524]

Heh, me either.

[aloha1983]

Well done. Don't listen to the family, at this point because you have broken up they are meant to be on 'her' side. You should definitely Skype with or go and visit your family for a while. You may need to change phone numbers so she can't keep contacting you or turn the phone off.

Well done on taking the first step!

[Learning_curve74]

Congrats fft524! 

It isn't surprising that your now exgf  is mad about her grandfather finding out. My BPDex had to lie and hide so much to maintain a semblance of normality, and so she was deathly afraid of people finding out all about her bulls**t.

If your phone can do it, you might want to consider blocking all her calls and texts. If not, you can always turn it off temporarily and get a no contract cell phone to use in the meantime.

[fft524]

I'm beginning to think that this might have been the easy part... . Now I get to deal with the emotions after a normal breakup and then some... . At least I don't have to hide my keys, sleep with one eye open, and wonder what the next outburst is going to be about... . makes a normal relationship seem easy. To wit, she just texted me that she's out at the bar... . typical.

Here we go.

[aloha1983]

We are all here for you. Check in regularly and let us know how you are going, if you need a vent, etc!

[goldylamont]

... but it was one of those moments of clarity this morning as I realized that this will absolutely never work, there is no chance that this can be fixed, and that it's slowly destroying me... . She finally left, and I went back to sleep, but it was this odd state somewhere between sleeping and awake. I wasn't intentionally meditating, but my mind was working, although I wasn't conscious. During that, it became crystal clear that I have to end this r/s to save myself; it was odd, because there was no emotion attached to that realization, and there's usually this huge rush of sadness, disappointment, and fear when I think about that possibility. This time, there was nothing. I read the article on "how to stop ruminating," and the suggestions in it do work, amazingly quickly, actually.

wow fft524 i had the exact same feeling when breaking up with my ex. it was like a calm knowing--truthfully i think i was predicting that this person wanted to start cheating? i don't know, but it was a calm realization nonetheless. And yes i went through hell moving her out too. I'm so happy that you took control of the situation to get her out. If she had access to your place, trust the first thing she would have done would be to bring some other man inside and then make sure you found out about it. While sometimes I'm sure her cruel treatment of you was just coming from her own pain, I noticed a link between when my ex was being cruel because there was another man involved. maybe i'm going too far, but, you could have just pissed her off because she wasn't able to pull off the ultimate stunt of bringing another guy into your house. damn, i'm just glad you got her out, good for you.

It's tough, because there's this gorgeous, sexy girl that is physically exactly what I want, but behind the wheel of that body is this hateful demonic beast. I believe that people are intrinsically good, but this disorder makes a really strong case for evil in the world.

yup.

but you will get better. i'm so happy right now, it's been a while since i've even seen my ex and i'm able to acknowledge that she's evil in many ways and still i'm starting to develop healthy detachment and compassion for her. and by healthy compassion i mean not the "compassion" you think you have in the beginning which is really just unresolved issues of you wanting her back (which is normal).

and you mentioned how pissed she was that you told her grandpa--wow, this just shows how deep she is into the narcissism/manipulation towards you at this point. it's so crazy and can be painful. you've done the right thing by moving her stuff out. your *body* told you to do it even when your conscious mind didn't really want to. and your reward for this is a safer environment for yourself. if you hadn't listened to that voice it's unimaginable what that woman would have done to and in your home. take care (and cover!  )

[fft524]

You hit the nail on the head Goldy; thing is, she'd already brought several someones in there, and got pissed when I found out. I'm in the process of looking for another place now, just to get rid of the "bad juju" that's in there now. I really liked that place, and was rebuilding my life after a bad breakup when I met her... . starting over sucks, but at least I don't have to wonder what's been going on anymore. I'm tired of the lies, I'm tired of the abuse, I'm tired of all the crap associated with this. It just sucks because I was so enamored with the person she made herself out to be. Oh well, live and learn, I guess. She isn't letting go easily though, 70 missed calls and 250 text messages since 11 last night. My neighbors tell me she was sitting in her car in front of my place for several hours last night; the hotel was a stellar idea... . it was great to be able to breathe, and get a halfway decent night's sleep. You never really realize how bad it is until you get out and look back... . it's unsettling how much I was being suppressed. It's funny... . people can be extremely willing to change for someone they love if that person just asks; the sick part about all of this is that they tend to do it to you without you realizing it. I'm just ecstatic that I was able to get out before it was too late. She texted last night saying that she would be willing to see a psychiatrist if it could help save the relationship... . my response was "ok, prove it." If she would be willing to get serious help and commit to it, I'd be willing to consider giving her a chance at some point, but I'm not going to fall into that smoke and mirrors routine right now. It's like I've told her since everything went down: if she wants this badly enough, her actions will show it. Contrary to that, her actions have shown nothing but self-centeredness, loathing, manipulation, and hate. "Ain't nobody got time for that." Now, I'm just having to get myself centered, leveled off, and figure out how to proceed from here. I want a relationship like the one we had before all of this crap happened, minus the falsehood, lies, and BS that it was built upon. Yet another case of "if it's too good to be true, it probably is." I don't need or want to bail off into anything right away, but I do hate not having someone real to share my life with. 

[Aussie0zborn]

Wow you did it so well that I'm envious simply because I was too damaged and in the FOG to use my better judgment - I could have saved myself a lot of misery.  But, given how well you did it with your clear thinking and a strong sense of self, I'm alarmed that you replied to her.

Yes they hate it when you tell someone and they're uncovered, especially when you have been the one covering their BS all this time.

Time for you to block the number, maybe?

[eyvindr]

Congratulations on standing your ground and managing this like a civilized human. Grace under fire, my friend -- it's a rare trait anymore.

Good lord, I've been through this so many times:

She isn't letting go easily though, 70 missed calls and 250 text messages since 11 last night... . She texted last night saying that she would be willing to see a psychiatrist if it could help save the relationship... . my response was "ok, prove it." If she would be willing to get serious help and commit to it, I'd be willing to consider giving her a chance at some point, but I'm not going to fall into that smoke and mirrors routine right now... .

Can't count the number of crazy phone arguments that I TRIED not to have, and she wouldn't let up, and I'd finally tell her that if she wasn't able to discuss whatever it was like an adult, I was going to hang up, and then I'd get reamed out about how "hanging up on people is rude! it's abusive!" and then I would, because it was the only way to stop the torrent of madness -- and then she'd ring my home and cell continually, until I turned them off, and then I'd wake up to 100 over-the-top txt msgs. God, it's all so typical of these r-ships. Sad.

You called it: "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

At this point in my life, I hate not having someone real to share my life with, too. But maybe I'e finally learned that I need to really stop being the nice guy and investing time, energy and emotion in the wrong r-ships.

Hang in there.

[fft524]

... . So after a barrage of texts and calls from she and her family today, I agreed to have dinner (in public) to talk. I don't expect it to go well, my neighbors tell me she slept in her car out front last night and kept asking where I was. (I intentionally didn't say). I found a really nice note thanking me for making her sleep in her car (do they take responsibility for ANYTHING? Her family lives 5 min away and asked her repeatedly to come home.) I'm getting ready for the smear routine to begin soon because "I was so mean to their precious little girl"; they don't realize its like feeding the cute little fuzzy thing after midnight so it turns into a gremlin. *Sigh* all bad feelings aside, I do miss her, at least the good parts she showed at first... . gotta hang tough. I will NOT get sucked back in.

[Moonie75]

I'm going to stick my neck out here!

I think you're more in the 'fog' than you realize.

You replied to a txt from her while you were paying for a room to get away from her!

And now you've agreed to dinner with her to 'talk'!

If you truly want this to be over, why did those events happen when it was well within your control for them to not happen?

You're starting to look more like you're trying to bully her into submission than get her actually see it's over!

Hope I didn't offend, but that's what it looks like to me.

[aloha1983]

I can see that you're trying to do the right thing, but I think the family is trying to manipulate you so she becomes your problem and not theirs.

Do not go to the dinner. Please cancel, for everybody's sake. Including hers. She needs to see that you are serious and that you will not go back (even if it feels like right now you would). Unfortunately my ex went to a psychiatrist and managed to manipulate her into thinking it was all my fault. Then she met me, I reported what was going on and she said yes it's definitely borderline. Then for my own safety she told me I could get out and escape.

You need time to yourself without the phone calls, notes and so on. If she sleeps in a car that is her choice. It's not your responsibility any more. You don't need to be her carer now.

I'd also recommend getting a prepaid phone so you aren't witness to all the phone calls and texts. That's the last thing you need right now.

Cut all contact with the family, start seeing a therapist and being unavailable. It's the only way... .

[aloha1983]

PS. Moving is a great idea! Have you got a friend you can go and stay with for the moment?

[Moonie75]

PS. Moving is a great idea! Have you got a friend you can go and stay with for the moment?

Great idea! I had a friend stay for two weeks after I left & just having someone else moving around me was a tonic in its self. he didn't even need to talk to me it was just great to not feel so alone. I cooked every night & he brought the beers home. I enjoyed it, he enjoyed it & even his wife said she enjoyed it!  

[fft524]

I think you may be right Moonie... . :/

[aloha1983]

It's okay to be hurting and vulnerable... . just make sure your actions are clear and send the message that it's over. What will be your next step do you think?

[GreenMango]

they don't realize its like feeding the cute little fuzzy thing after midnight so it turns into a gremlin.

. That was funny!  Humor helps sometimes.

My therapist suggested to me in this situation to not imply hope if you are done.  The drastic move isn't about manipulation, its about being done and needing to end an unhealthy situation.  Hope like in... . if you get treatment blah blah.  It's okay to firm and clear, and still respectful in the process.

Sometimes letting the natural consequences of bad behavior and poor choices happen really is the best thing for a person.  Sometimes its the catalyst for change even if you don't get to see it. 

What will be your next step do you think?

Good question. 

[Aussie0zborn]

Please don't do it. You have done so well 'til now and it seems you are going to ruin it. You deserve better.

[fft524]

Well, it could have gone better, but it could have gone worse. She's not trying to move back in, and I reiterated that the way things have been going is NOT going to work. She didn't stay at my place last night. She kept telling me how devastated her family was by what I did, and explained that I could have told her to get help or get out... . I think we all know that would have been a pipe dream that just led to another argument. On the one hand, it makes logical sense, but on the other, we all know that wouldn't have ended well. It was gut wrenching last night, because I know she really doesn't want to be alone, for a variety of reasons, but on the other, she doesn't seem to grasp why all of this is happening... . I'm trying really hard to land an out of town assignment for a couple of weeks to give myself space to level off and clear my head and for her to either follow through on her promise to get psychiatric help or find someone else to victimize. It's really tough, because I know she has moments of clarity where she can see what's happening, and she's devastated by it, but then she falls back into herself. Mango, I think you're right about the catalyst for change, it's just supremely disappointing that I won't be around to see it.

So close... . yet so far.

My T was the one who first picked up on her Bpd tendencies from what I've been telling him, and I keep trying to convince myself that he's wrong, that she just has some maturity left to gain, but then she says or does something that makes me question that, too. What it comes down to is that I love the girl, and I'd like to salvage things, but she's destroyed the trust I had in her, and can't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation or how to rectify it. Bpd or Bpd tendencies, she's still dragged me through hell for the past two months, and I can't risk things getting worse or getting better only to come back to where we are now. I just want peace... . I want to be able to sleep in my own bed without being jumpy or wondering whether she's going to come banging on my front door or be sleeping in her car out front. Disordered or not, she just isn't capable of doing what needs to be done, and I am too far along in disengaging to give her any more chances. From what I've read, sometimes there's a watershed moment in these situations where the non leaves and the pwBPD actually seeks help. I want to believe that this is one of those moments, but my trust and faith in her are too severely damaged to go there. Like the beginning of this r/s, it seems too good to be true. I've been trying to find a good way to initiate NC without just blasting her out of the water, but I don't see any other way... . Last night was to let her down easy, but she just clamped on for dear life. This sucks so much.

[aloha1983]

I was the catalyst for change too but what you have to realise is it takes years and years for them to improve if they do. It is very sad, but you have to stand strong and not give her any hope at all that the two of you will get back together. It's much kinder. Thinking of you.

[Learning_curve74]

fft, it sounds like you've had an awful hard time. I struggled with the exact same problem but in the end it is the choice that preserves your own self, otherwise you risk losing yourself into the maelstrom that is BPD. Like a lot of situations, it usually gets worse before it can get better. Good luck.

[fft524]

To say it's hurt my heart is to put it mildly. I know who this girl is, behind the BPD... . I'm one of the few people she's let catch a glimpse of who she =really= is. For all the hurt they cause, there -is- a real person in there. That's who I fell in love with, that's who I've been trying to reach. She sat in my truck crying for over an hour last night because of what's going on, and it physically hurt me to see her so upset and desperate to be next to me, and knowing that there's nothing I can do to fix it. I could change my mind and run the very real risk of losing myself to this on the very faint hope that "it's just a phase" (I don't think so), or that she will follow through on her promise to seek help. She agreed to give me my space, and told me that she was going to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist today. I desperately hope she follows through, because she deserves better than what she's been given in life, prior to our meeting, and what she's given herself. It really doesn't matter whether we ever successfully work things out or even try to, as long as she will get help and stick with it... . that's my wish. As I've said in previous posts, I know I can't save her, I know I can't realistically even help her... . but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. I suppose that's one of the hardest parts of dealing with a loved one with BPD--the feeling of absolute helplessness. I would imagine that's a huge part of their feelings, too. The best analogy I can come up with would be watching someone drown, trying to throw them a rope, and they don't know what to do with it, so they just look at it. They know it's there, they obviously don't want to drown, but they don't understand what to do or what can be done.

Not the best analogy ever, but it's the best I can do.

We haven't communicated at all since last night, and it's tough. I miss her terribly, but it's relaxing to be able to concentrate, even if it's just for a few minutes, on something other than how horrible I feel because of the things she's said and done that hurt me, what I had to do to protect myself, and how much it hurt her. I realize that there are things that I could have said and done differently, and I absolutely would have, if I had known sooner what I was really dealing with. I'm trying hard not to wallow in the situation, but it's hard not to when something like this unexpectedly pops into your life.

I'm still vertical, I still have my health. That's something, I guess.

[goldylamont]

fft, i think it's important to take a step back and look at things from a wider perspective, to zoom out if you will. if you recall i really connected with what you were saying about having that calm moment of clarity. when i had enough space and tapped into this type of wisdom, beyond my immediate needs/wants, and just looked at the reality of the situation, this is the truth i understood for myself: the r/s with this person exists now for one reason. she wants to completely destroy me, over and over if necessary. emptying her poison into me is a way for her to temporarily gain some power and relief for herself. my ex was a scorpio, so i would imagine her as a scorpion injecting her emotional poison into me. whatever our r/s was before, this was what it had become from now on. i don't want this to sound like i am only blaming your ex or making them out to be a monster. they are this monster by how they are behaving and it's important to fully accept them in this light to protect yourself.

fft is it possible that you have just a little bit of hope that your ex will seek therapy, begin to heal and that at some point the dust will settle and you two would be together again? or at least be cordial and friends? is there a fear that if you push her completely away that you are cutting yourself off from this possibility? well, i felt this way. i think most others also felt this way. but, please be careful--this is just our fantasy, it's not real. if you were to tell me now that your ex started therapy and was contacting you wanting to make amends, i would not be happy. i would be worried for you because time and again we've all seen exBPD's using therapy and saying they have healed as a way to reel us back in, so that they can dump more emotional poison into us. trust this, what makes her feel alive and well right now is releasing some of her tormented emotions and injecting them into the people around her. if she's nice to you now--be alert, be afraid. at least if she's mean/cruel it's closer to the truth of her motivations.

i believe on some level you already understand this. and i believe the fact that you are trusting your instincts, your body, more than the fantasies in your mind, is giving you the strength to follow through with moving her out and taking space for yourself. meeting up with her again to talk--to me this is just a power grab. she's a black hole right now, she wants to suck every ounce of power out of you, and you'd like to gain some of that power back, whether it be by witnessing her being in pain because she hurt you, or seeing her seek therapy to fuel the fantasy of her getting better. i've settled with the idea that we nons can never win in this power struggle. we haven't been training all our lives to put up fronts, we don't have decades of practice at the art of full blown manipulation and lying. so, we won't win the power struggle. the only way is to get out of the game with her completely. this is the direction you're going in so i wholeheartedly congratulate your efforts. just really take a look at your own secret wants and desires when you consider any interaction with her going forward. it's these needs/wants that she on some level is already aware of, and will use to keep poisoning you. if you still aren't convinced that she exists at this point only to do you harm, then you will leave yourself open for her to hurt you again. at some point you'll be fully convinced, she'll hurt you enough to where you have no doubt. i think many here are just trying to say--trust that this is the reality now so that you don't have to be hurt anymore.

if this was assuming or a bit off then my apologies. it's just what is flowing through me now from my understanding and how i relate to your situation.

[Aussie0zborn]

+1 for what Goldy said.

[goldylamont]

The best analogy I can come up with would be watching someone drown, trying to throw them a rope, and they don't know what to do with it, so they just look at it. They know it's there, they obviously don't want to drown, but they don't understand what to do or what can be done.

i would see this analogy a bit differently. i think this person is used to drowning, has drowned completely over and over again, with many different people throwing them ropes. true, they don't know how to stop drowning, so they just accept the fact that they are going down. but the rope? oh they know what to do, look at her behaviors, she'll take that rope and pull you in the water with her, then wrap that rope around your neck and pull you under with it. she's done it before and it gives her some respite to watch others drown. the illusion is thinking you are giving her the rope to help her, or that she is grabbing that rope to help herself. that rope--your need/want to help her, will be wrapped around your neck. doesn't her past behavior reflect this?

[KateCat]

"The Bridge" (and rope) fable, as discussed on this forum:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;wap2

[Learning_curve74]

She agreed to give me my space, and told me that she was going to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist today. I desperately hope she follows through, because she deserves better than what she's been given in life, prior to our meeting, and what she's given herself. It really doesn't matter whether we ever successfully work things out or even try to, as long as she will get help and stick with it... . that's my wish.

I realize that there are things that I could have said and done differently, and I absolutely would have, if I had known sooner what I was really dealing with.

fft, you sound like a very caring, empathic, and loving person. That's why it's so hard, and I know because I totally feel exactly the same about my BPDex. If my disappearing from her life and her memories would guarantee she would be healed from BPD, then I would gladly give up all the good memories of us to have that happen.

Let's also face the facts. My BPDex is going to be 40, she knows about her BPD and has had therapy, but she is still a crazy whirlwind of chaos when it comes to all interpersonal relationships. There is no magic pill/cure, only a very long road ahead with a lot of setbacks.

In reality, there is probably nothing you could have done differently that would've changed the final result. The only difference it would've made is whether your relationship ended earlier or later. Read the stories here, there are people who have suffered 10, 20, 30 years with their pwBPD.

Two therapists told me that my dumping my BPDex was the only realistic endgame. One T told me when I was still in the relationship (T knew it was my last session with them) and the other T only told me after I'd already broken it off, but both were very clear and unequivocal in their opinion. Please realize that they were only speaking about my own particular situation as the Ts helped me see that who I am, my values, and my hopes and dreams are incompatible with staying with her. Maybe other people with other values can deal with their pwBPD in some type of open or on/off relationship. Not me.

Some situations we just have to realize it is what it is and walk away. It still sucks and hurts like hell though.