messaged her again... going crazy

[tomjon78]

I am really thinking i´m loosing it. All I can think about is her... . I messaged her again last night... . saying I missed her and I just wanted to say how bad I feel about all of this... . I know it was a total mistake. But I guess my trouble with sleeping is getting me confused. No reply from her also which also makes me confused. She propably is focusing on someone else.

I went to see my T. He said I had symptoms of PTSD and my obsessive thinking about her was something to work on. He said that my situation is simular to people who have been in domestic violance.

All I can think about is the good times we had. I truly never have loved anyone like her. I´m just so fed up. I think i´m going crazy and just wan´t to dissapear and go away.

[Emelie Emelie]

I am really thinking i´m loosing it. All I can think about is her... . I messaged her again last night... . saying I missed her and I just wanted to say how bad I feel about all of this... . I know it was a total mistake. But I guess my trouble with sleeping is getting me confused. No reply from her also which also makes me confused. She propably is focusing on someone else.

I went to see my T. He said I had symptoms of PTSD and my obsessive thinking about her was something to work on. He said that my situation is simular to people who have been in domestic violance.

All I can think about is the good times we had. I truly never have loved anyone like her. I´m just so fed up. I think i´m going crazy and just wan´t to dissapear and go away.

I have felt exactly the same way.  The pain is overwhelming.  And you feel like it's never going to end.  I truly never loved someone the way I loved him either.  I feel crazy and want to disappear as well.  I take a lot of hope and great comfort from the people here who did end the pain.  Who did move on.  Who are happy again.  We'll get through this.  Hang in there.  We're with you.

[Hazelrah]

Tomjon,

There's a ton of people here feeling just as you are.  Not surprised at all your T mentioned PTSD... . I most certainly have felt many of the symptoms associated with it as well.  Many nons, especially codependent ones, are apt to suffer greatly in the wake of these relationships. 

What kind of tools did your T provide you to help with the obsessive thinking?

I share your feelings re: love, wanting to disappear, etc.  Stay here and talk with the community... . it really is an amazing place.

[LoneWolf768]

tomjon78, brother... . I lost a good close friend over my obsessiveness with my ex BPD'er. Like you I've never, ever been so consumed with anyone like I was her. She and I met in 2009 and I backed off from her then because of what I saw from her, not knowing at all what BPD was at that time. I still didn't know what BPD was in the Fall of 2012 when I started falling for her. I remember how it felt when I'd think about her, get little texts from her, a voice messages... . bro, I felt like I was floating. I don't mean to sound corny or anything but I was on such a high I sometimes couldn't remember driving home from work. Our nights out seemed to fly by. 4 or 5 hours went by in 45 minutes it seemed. A lot of people were perplexed at how giddy I was in such a short amount of time and I tried to justify it by telling them we'd known each other for 3 years at that point and it wasn't as if we just met and fell in love 3 weeks later.

But it was just like meeting someone for the first time.  Back then, she was sexually aggressive, cunning, obsessive and determined to make us a couple. In 2012, it started out that way only to turn into the dark side of her personality. The lies, jealousy, control, manipulation, fits of anger unexpectedly, creating drama, etc. and as much as she claimed she waited for me and loved me since day 1, lies were uncovered, secrets brought to the surface and I saw a side of her I never, ever saw or expected to see when we first met.

I thought, back in April when I knew she was done with me (this, after waiting patiently for her to make time for me and put some effort into reconciling) I'd be over it and her by Memorial Day. No way. Man, did I misjudge that one! For days and nights, all I could think about was how much fun we had, how she smelled when I picked her up, a slow dance we had, plans for our future... . I was literally thinking about her as often as I was blinking and breathing. Every damn day I tried to stop it but I'd hear a song or see a woman that looked like her or some other type of trigger would present itself. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Eating and sleeping weren't priorities.

When she threatened me back in July (unnecessarily, I might add), it was like she drove a stake through my heart and then stepped on it to drive it in further. It was pain on top of pain and it felt like it would never let up. I didn't think she could flatten my spirit any more than it already was but she did. I wanted to hate her, thinking that would help me get over her. All that did was make me feel more guilt because I still loved her. I spent too many nights crying and wondering if she was even thinking about me and, if she was, was she remembering good times or was she disgusted at the thought of me? And yet the depression seemed to just keep layering itself more and more over me. I just wanted to go to sleep, wake up in a month and hope everything would be fine in my world again.

My T suggested I read two books: "Co Dependent No More: How To Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself' and 'I Hate You... . Don't Leave Me: Understanding The Borderline Personality'. The co-dependent book does have a chapter on obsessing and what steps you can take to try and train yourself to stop it before it starts. The BPD is a breakdown of the BPD characteristics, therapeutic ideas, and dealing with someone with BPD. HIGHLY recommended reading.

Brother, please keep whatever fight you have inside of you going. We all know how this feels and we're all here for you. Don't forget that! 

[seaside4x4]

Hi, I am feeling some of the same feelings.  I am just a little over a week from my breakup after a 2 and a half week marriage.  I still am in shock!  I am taking steps to get better, meds, counselor, and spending time with family and friends.  I have had bad days and better days.  My exBPD won't even speak to me and is acting like I am the crazy one.  I feel like he has just erased me from his life and that hurts like no other pain I have ever felt.  I have been in other failed relationships, but this was so fast, intense and ended with just a note... . I am sorry, It didn't work out!  I am looking forward to when I am through this pain.

[babyducks]

All I can think about is her... .

TomJon,

What worked for me was substitution.

When thoughts of her popped into my head.  Which were like every 37 seconds,  I would do some guided mental imagery. 

When I caught myself thinking of her, I would mentally imagine putting that thought in a hot air balloon and releasing it.  Or taking that thought and putting it inside a baseball and hitting a home run.  Or taking that thought and throwing it in a fast moving river.  You get the idea.

and once I had created the idea of letting the thought go.  I had to replace it with something else.  I don't know who it was that said its not possible to "not" think of something its only possible to change the thought to something else.  But that person was right.  If I said TomJon  DO NOT think about a baby giraffe, no matter what don't think about baby giraffes.  KEEP THE IDEA OF NEWLY BORN BABY GIRAFFES out of your head I would bet you a dollar that the picture in your minds eye right now is a baby giraffe.  It the way brains work, they always have to have a thought going.

So once I let go of the thought of my ex I had to replace it with something else.  I used a lot of the tricks I learned here.  Talking out loud to myself.  Picking something near me and describing it.  Really describing it.  Singing.   Being a religious gal, finding a prayer, or a mantra and repeating that over and over.  The brain can not process two thoughts at once.  So I needed to give it something else to do.

And quite frankly, a lot of times it wasn't a great success.  My brain returned to ruminating over and over as it tried to cope with the experience it had just been through.  The thing with ruminating is it just engrains the hurt deeper.  There were days when I must have dragged my thoughts away from her literally thousands of times. 

But with time and practice it gets easier.

really.  I promise.

babyducks

[mitchell16]

I cant say what works for me because im still struggling. But i can tell what  didnt work in the past and that was trying to reach mine. I felt like she used it as a power play, she took my calls only to be complety rude, cold and non caring. I got off the phone and I felt worse then ever. Gave her couple of weeks and tried to call her. rang went to her voicemail, she sent a text are you trying to call me. I said i was. She said phone service was bad, try again. I called again, went to vm, she texted back, try again. I called again, went to VM, and again she texted try again. So i did and again it went to VM, I tetxed that was the last time I would try, she immeditaly called me back. So in my mine she was making me chase her. which validated her and made me look like a big loser. and its get better. we had a nice conversation where she professed her undying love for me and how much she missed and she went to sleep. I went to bed happy thinking we were back on the road to getting back togther. The next morning she calls and i asked so when did she want to see me and was we getting back togther. She said what made you think I want back with you. I was crushed. We did get back about 2 or 3 weeks later but only when she wanted it. So i have never chased her since. when she walks I just let her go. I dont reach out for her, becuase it will only hurt worse.

[Emelie Emelie]

It's so hard not to reach out to them.  I haven't made it two weeks.  I know I shouldn't.  I always feel worse when I do.  As one of the advisors on this board said it's like ripping the scab off all over again.  I'm back to square one.  Its been almost two months for me.  All I freaking do is cry.  I just can't seem to get it together.  But I've seen him twice and we were in contact again this week and I have to wonder if i'd be further along if I was NC.  Every time I see or talk to him I end up sobbing. I hate that.  It gives him all the power.  In fact he told me this week he didn't contact me because I'm still too emotional.  Not ready to be friends.  I don't think I can be friends with him.  I love him too much and I feel too rejected. He called me yesterday for some advice on a business matter.  It was a short conversation and I kept it together but sobbed my heart out again after I got off the phone.  I didn't know I had this many tears in me. 

I'm trying to be stronger and I encourage you to do the same.  Initiating contact with them just f's us up. 

Take care,

Emelie

[Perfidy]

I don't know what it is but even indirect contact sends me over the edge. A friend relayed some info about my ex to me yesterday and it really set me off. Now today I'm almost as bad as I was a few months ago when I decided no contact. Will it ever end?

[Clearmind]

The reason why I need to contact my ex was because I felt so lonely, shameful that it ended/for my role and was hoping he would make me feel better. Contact is a cycle - a self fulfilling prophecy of "I am not good enough, please make me feel better". A Borderline can never make us feel better.

We are attempting to gain validation from a person who cannot provide it. I had to find validation in other places and every time I thought of him I turned the focus on myself - why was I so hooked on a disordered individual who shows no concern for me... . answer lies within.

[tomjon78]

Thank you all for your reply... . I´m not doing so well.

LAST NIGHT I CALLED HER  !

I had a night out with my friends some dinner and then I got quite drunk. I called her and it was terrible. I called her two times and she was quite aggressive in the phone. I don´t remember much since I was drunk. I went home and felt terrible and had a real bad panic attack and was even having dark thougts about ending my life. I called the red cross hotline and the lady on the phone talked me down and I fell asleep. I woke up and went to work and now I have 2 missed calls from her today.

I shouldn´t have called her and I don´t know what to do. If I should appologize to her for calling or something.

I really have to skip the alcahol for now. I had myself under control but this idea seemed to pop up and I just did it.

I´m really feeling down about this and don´t want to tell anyone about this around me.

[Perfidy]

Yeah that's not good. I do understand your suffering. Why you want someone that don't want you. Hard to accept after they tell us they live us so much. The overstated emotion. Clinging to the words that were said. I still remember everything. The words didn't match the actions. I reminded my ex what she told me about loving me forever. Her reply was "it's not like that anymore." Felt like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football away.

[Learning_curve74]

I shouldn´t have called her and I don´t know what to do. If I should appologize to her for calling or something.

I really have to skip the alcahol for now. I had myself under control but this idea seemed to pop up and I just did it.

I´m really feeling down about this and don´t want to tell anyone about this around me.

tomjon, you're only human. I definitely empathize with you because I really want to break NC with my BPDex and I've also found myself drinking more than I should too.

The past is not our destiny. If you make a mistake, turn it into a lesson, like you already have, instead of wallowing in the past. In my opinion there's no need to apologize to your ex, no need to contact her because there is nothing either of you have to gain from that. From your description it sounds like talking with her is futile.

Life is short, so spend your precious time on worthwhile things and people who deserve truly your time.

[LoneWolf768]

Hey tomjon78, like learning_curve74 wrote: you're only human. I'm actually surprised you got two missed calls from your ex today while you were working. Did you get any voice messages from her? If so, I hope they were pleasant.

See, I'm not real sure I can give advice here beyond maintaining NC. My ex hasn't tried to reach out to me at all and when I inadvertently reached out to her, she threatened me. But I also changed my #, blocked her on Facebook, blocked her email addresses and blocked her IM ID on Yahoo (which is how I inadvertently made contact with her. Long story short, she was already on my Yahoo IM contact list. I tried to delete her and wound up sending her chat request invitations. Turns out the only way to delete someone from your IM contact list is to wait for them to log on.). I guess I have it easier because she would have no way to get to me, save her calling my home # and/or mailing me a letter or a card, which she never did when things were good and I can't see her doing it now.

Perhaps you should change your contact information so she can't get in touch with you. Maybe that'll help you discourage those urges you'll have to contact her, too. I know it's incredibly difficult to not want to contact our ex's but so many things can go wrong, the most extreme being them getting the law involved. Believe me, you're feeling bad about contacting her today? Imagine what you'll feel if she follows through with that!

Like I said, I don't have to worry about my ex contacting me and I'm passed the urge to contact her. It's difficult to resist the urge. Some days I felt like I was ready to crawl out of my own skin. Keep in mind that if you do contact her, all you'll be doing is running on a treadmill: you're going nowhere and exhausting yourself.

I know, as do we all, how difficult it can be to cease contact with someone we're so addicted to. Please try and go hour by hour and see how that goes. Stay strong, brother!

[peas]

It's weird. While every day I think "what if I broke NC?", it doesn't lead to a desire to break NC. I am sticking firm to no contact because I know I will only get more pain if I did contact my ex. I will just end up feeling like I failed. I don't need any more feelings of failure. I have enough after the BPD r/s, thanks.

But I do think a lot about HIM being able to stick to NC. I have a lingering wish that he will break NC and reach out. I guess it's good he hasn't.

There is little chance he or I will break NC because we both obliterated the r/s during the breakup. I mean, any shred of decency was gone -- when he decided it was over, we both went down swinging.

[LoneWolf768]

There is little chance he or I will break NC because we both obliterated the r/s during the breakup. I mean, any shred of decency was gone -- when he decided it was over, we both went down swinging.

Peas, I'm in the same elevator as you. My ex and I pretty much made NC a no-brainer, too. I know people will say the ex BPD'er will try and make contact with us, and a lot of people on this site have had that very thing  sprung upon them. In a way, I almost want my ex BPD'er to reach out but I really don't know what I'd do or say after that. I also know breaking NC will put me in the back of the line. So like you, keeping to the NC script is a must. 

However, I would think, no matter how isolated, alone and how much chaos and drama our ex's would want to start with us, they should be intelligent enough to realize, as with your case and mine, that we took the relationship by the controls and flew it right into the ground and they'd be completely ignorant to that fact if they tried to contact us. 

[tomjon78]

Thank you for your comments... . After I got home from work yesterday I went to sleep and saw that she was trying to contact me. I have her blocked on my mobile so all text message go to junk mail and she get´s the busy signal when she calls.

At 9 pm she rang my doorbell and I let her in. We had a talk. I said I was sorry for calling her in the night and explained a little bit how I was feeling. But I said I would not contact her again and asked her to do the same. She is now seeing another guy. A guy she has been in an on off rs. for 6 years.

I told her than it was not fair for him or her for her showing up here. She told me she was very sorry for all the things she did to me, she has given up alcahol and doing ok. She also told me she had written a suicide note.

I said goodby to her and it actually wasn´t all that bad that conversation. Then she managed to call me again this morning. She was crying and said she wasn´t over me and didn´t want to settle for second best. She wasn´t sure about the guy she was seeing and wanted to know if there was any chance. I replied that I did not want to talk about her current guy and it was not for me to comment on her feelings and I said "us" as a couple would never happen. She texted me "are u sure about this" ? I didn´t reply.

I actually feel very bad after this. Seeing her and still realizing I love her still. I´m seeing my T. tomorrow because if feel like sh-t.

[LoneWolf768]

Tomjon78, that had to be incredibly difficult to be sitting there, face to face, and listening to her mention another man. You did and said the rights things, in my humble opinion. You closed the door on her and now she's probably reeling. Not your problem anymore, although the suicide note is a little bothersome and I certainly hope she doesn't follow through with anything.

You sound like you're on the road to recovery. Keep doing what your doing and keep the momentum going too!

[peas]

that had to be incredibly difficult to be sitting there, face to face, and listening to her mention another man

Precisely the reason I refuse to break NC with my ex-bf. Also precisely why I have not typed his name in a Google search in over a month, why he remains blocked on FB and why I have nothing to do with anything he is involved with. I don't want to know whether he's moved on to another woman. I still have a lot of anger toward him and I do not feel like forgiving him anytime soon. I don't want to know any details of his life. I hope he is miserable. Call me callous, but I have to have this posture to heal. 

Tomjon, you are a class act the way you handled that last meeting with your ex. I tried to have that conversation, the one where you are both containing your emotions, are actually communicating as adults, to salvage some dignity in a bad breakup. Instead, I was provoked into a texting fight that went down in flames. Threats of calling the cops on me, us vowing to never want anything to do with each other, that kind of BS. 

[empower-me]

Wow Tomjon,

I am really amazed by your inner strength.  As much as you have been missing her and thinking about the situation, when you had the opportunity to reach out to her, your better judgement kicked in! Isn't that encouraging to you?  It is to me...

I can only hope that if I am in a similar situation that type of strength will kick into play. 

Stay strong and give this as much time as you need to work through. This is a rough situation for sure.

[Perfidy]

I was thinking about calling my ex today. The feeling is passing. I don't really think anything productive will come of it and it is holding me back from letting go. I think I might take a break from the boards for a while and see if that doesn't help me take my mind off it. I feel like I am getting stuck and I really need to move on. Another relationship maybe? Recycle one of my exes? I guess a big part of my suffering is a conflict in I want her I don't want her. She is with another man and its not even available if I did want her. I don't. I'm like a little kid getting mad because I can't have what I want. Don't want. That's how screwed up I am over this.

[Learning_curve74]

I actually feel very bad after this. Seeing her and still realizing I love her still. I´m seeing my T. tomorrow because if feel like sh-t.

tomjon, it's been said that everytime we break NC it sets us back on our healing because it typically ends up painful instead of resolving anything. It's okay, you were trying to be kind and understanding towards your BPDex. Now that you have experienced this, it's time to be kind and understanding with yourself too. I hope you have a great session with your T. Take it day to day and hang in there. 

[tomjon78]

Well here we go again... . she came over again 3 hours ago. I let her in. I decided to ask her what she wanted... . the only thing I concentrated on was not to get angry. She sat down with me and my heart started pounding. She asked me what I was trying to do? (planting guilt). I tried to explain to her that I wasn´t trying anything. I just was drunk and called her and that I found it hurtful she started seeing the guy (who tried to contact her in our rs. she had an affair with him with her other ex for 7 years.)

She said it wouldn´t matter if it was him or her. Then the accusasion game started... . I tried to stop it and actually had tears running down my cheek. She said that she was very hurt for me blocking her, not answering me etc... . I won´t go over all the things she said, but I felt like she just wanted to find things to justify her beahviour in our rs. She kind of said she was sorry but also said I was just a looser giving up on us.

I tried to tell her how broken I was but she just didn´t seem to get it. Just said that she would have done anything to have us toghether.

Blalala... . the same stuff. I then said to her. I was very hurt she started seeing this guy, that I personally was far away from being able to form a rs. with a woman. I told her I loved her but I would not contact her again. I was just trying to get over our breakup and that it had been very difficiult for me. I tried to tell her that I made a choice getting out because she hurt me too much with her actions.

I was quite calm. She then just stood up, said I am going and shut the door quite angry.

I can see that I can never be with her. Especially after she started seeing this guy. But it was really hard to see her infront of me. I just wanted to hold her but I think I did the right thing.

I will now not let her in again I think. I have to mantain NC again. I am totally drained at the moment and just needed to pour this out here. I´m taking a day off work tomorrow and try to get a grip.

[peas]

I realized when talking to a pwBPD all they hear is blah blah blah. Selective stuff gets processed and eventually used for their benefit, but you saying to your ex that she hurt you is like telling her you went to the grocery store. No emotion registers when it's your feelings.

[Learning_curve74]

Well here we go again... . she came over again 3 hours ago. I let her in.

I tried to tell her how broken I was but she just didn´t seem to get it. Just said that she would have done anything to have us toghether.

Blalala... . the same stuff. I then said to her. I was very hurt she started seeing this guy, that I personally was far away from being able to form a rs. with a woman. I told her I loved her but I would not contact her again. I was just trying to get over our breakup and that it had been very difficiult for me. I tried to tell her that I made a choice getting out because she hurt me too much with her actions.

I was quite calm. She then just stood up, said I am going and shut the door quite angry.

I will now not let her in again I think. I have to mantain NC again. I am totally drained at the moment and just needed to pour this out here. I´m taking a day off work tomorrow and try to get a grip.

Sorry to hear that tomjon. Hang in there and stick to NC.

It can all just be a game to her, so take your ball home and refuse to play.

[babyducks]

TomJon,

I am so sorry to hear how things went down for you.   You have my sympathy.

I think we have all had the experience of saying what we felt and having our emotions completely discounted.  That is so very hard.   

You did the right things.   You were true to yourself.  You didn't loose your temper.   You spoke your truth.   And didn't respond to her pressure tactics.   

You have come a long way in a short time.



It makes a lot of sense that you would be wiped out.   That was some tough stuff.   

good job taking care of yourself.

babyducks

[tomjon78]

I realized when talking to a pwBPD all they hear is blah blah blah. Selective stuff gets processed and eventually used for their benefit, but you saying to your ex that she hurt you is like telling her you went to the grocery store. No emotion registers when it's your feelings.

So true... . It sometimes feels like talking to the wall... .

[LoneWolf768]

I realized when talking to a pwBPD all they hear is blah blah blah. Selective stuff gets processed and eventually used for their benefit, but you saying to your ex that she hurt you is like telling her you went to the grocery store. No emotion registers when it's your feelings.

So true... . It sometimes feels like talking to the wall... .

Truer words have never been spoken... . and shared. Another valid point that it's ALWAYS about the BPD'er.

[ucmeicu2]

I guess a big part of my suffering is a conflict in I want her I don't want her. She is with another man and its not even available if I did want her. I don't. I'm like a little kid getting mad because I can't have what I want. Don't want. That's how screwed up I am over this.

wow, get out of my head, perfidy!      it's like you're reading my mind.  i guess we're both experiencing another classic part of "Evolution of a BPD R/s"?

i wrote my xBPDgf 6 months ago and this last 6 months i've been feeling exactly how you describe above.  was very bothered that she didn't write back.  obsessed over it.  cried. wailed.  lamented.  suicidal ideations at times. blah blah

fast forward to last week when i rcv'd a letter from her!  it said everything i've been dreaming that she would say!  here, i'll copy/paste it from my "snail mail after 6 months" thread:



"in 2 handwritten pages she said:  she misses me, she loves me, she thinks abt me and us and our moments together all the time, she cuts things out of magazines that remind her of me (she included a few in her letter), a large part of her is ashamed/guilt-ridden/etc at how she treated me/compromised what we shared, etc, that even tho we both had our own personal struggles going on at the time that something beautiful was born between her and me and she'll never forget it, i'm precious to her, she'll always love me, she wants to resume contact and reconnecting if i'm open to it/feel safe/comfortable/etc, asks that i call and/or write b/c "i'm letting you know that i would really enjoy for us to start communicating again & reconnecting as we establish getting close once again", she never meant to hurt me or abandon me/us the way she did but it was b/c of her struggles (*i guess she means all the BPD n alcoholic stuff)"

and yet, somehow, i have mixed feelings.  i thought it was what i wanted but now, meh.  want, don't want.  want, don't want.  did i catch psychotic fleas  from her?   

careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

icu2

[ucmeicu2]

I realized when talking to a pwBPD all they hear is blah blah blah. Selective stuff gets processed and eventually used for their benefit, but you saying to your ex that she hurt you is like telling her you went to the grocery store. No emotion registers when it's your feelings.

i have to disagree.  everyone has selective hearing sometime or other, and maybe the BPD does more than your average bear, but from my reading and especially my own experience with xBPDgf, she was greatly affected by my feelings.

and when i was in pain, and if she thought she caused it (which she often felt she did), that would set off great shame and guilt in her.  then she would often either isolate from me or turn to self-harming (cutting, binge/purge, binge drinking, etc) to escape from the pain of the shame and guilt.

for the pwBPD, it's not they don't feel feelings, it's that they feel them too much.  they cannot control their emotions.  they are dysregulated.  i think that narcissism often goes hand in hand with BPD and it's difficult to separate the symptoms, but what you're saying in this particular instance sounds more like NPD than BPD.  my xBPDgf was a strange mix of BPD and NPD, she went back and forth with both of them.

that's my interpretation, anyways.  YMMV b/c there are 256 possible manifestations of BPD.

icu2