I really want her to make this guy miserable

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I understand... first go round I was devastated... she dumped me and showed up a week later hanging on a neighbor... I considered shooting him, her, myself... and decided to move instead. Quit my job and went 1500 miles away. Back then I didn't know she was a pwBPD. Took me about 5 yrs to get back dating others without being a compete basket case. Then I met my wife... we were together 22 yrs... lost my job along with tons of people back in about 2009... and was desperate for a job, finally got on FB looking for connections, she chased me down and messed up everything a second time.

Seems like they should have warning's tatoo'ed on to them or something... given the devastation.

Far as i know, my exBPDgf... was married/divorced twice, engaged 7 times, had 2 STD's (near time I dated her)... an abortion, and so many BF's that she had no idea how many she has had. On meeting her you would think butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, she seems sweet/innocent. When angry... . never seen anyone so hateful with absolutely no filter/brake on her behavior... she really could easily kill someone. Longest argument was her yelling at me (in circles)... for 7 hrs ... . I took it, then walked out. No question it was abusive... but I was trying to rationalize it somehow... I had left my wife and daughter, lost a second job, more than 1/2 of my stuff ... . and for a gal as mean as a junkyard dog... took a lot for me to accept it. But it is the truth.

[charred]

I understand... first go round I was devastated... she dumped me and showed up a week later hanging on a neighbor... I considered shooting him, her, myself... and decided to move instead. Quit my job and went 1500 miles away. Back then I didn't know she was a pwBPD. Took me about 5 yrs to get back dating others without being a compete basket case. Then I met my wife... we were together 22 yrs... lost my job along with tons of people back in about 2009... and was desperate for a job, finally got on FB looking for connections, she chased me down and messed up everything a second time.

Seems like they should have warning's tatoo'ed on to them or something... given the devastation.

Far as i know, my exBPDgf... was married/divorced twice, engaged 7 times, had 2 STD's (near time I dated her)... an abortion, and so many BF's that she had no idea how many she has had. On meeting her you would think butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, she seems sweet/innocent. When angry... . never seen anyone so hateful with absolutely no filter/brake on her behavior... she really could easily kill someone. Longest argument was her yelling at me (in circles)... for 7 hrs ... . I took it, then walked out. No question it was abusive... but I was trying to rationalize it somehow... I had left my wife and daughter, lost a second job, more than 1/2 of my stuff ... . and for a gal as mean as a junkyard dog... took a lot for me to accept it. But it is the truth.

[charred]

As far as the next guy... . he can have her! But the generic he/next guy... . can do better.

[dangoldfool]

Seems like they should have warning's tatoo'ed on to them or something... given the devastation.


charred,

My Ex GF talked about getting my named tattooed on her. I told her it was not necessary as I'm not really into tattoo's.

I can just imagine if every guy she has been with had there name tattooed on her body. Maybe that would be a sign,( ) BPD beware. She did have her finger nails done with my name spelled out like love ----. I thought it was stupid, but what ever floats your boat.

[Dave44]

I wouldnt want to be the next one, would you?

I don't mean to take over the original poster/topic but in regards to the question quoted... . yes. I'm so incredibly lonely at this point I would take any form of interest from a woman -- BPD/healthy or not. I've become a prisoner of my own world of loneliness suffering every day wondering if someone, anyone is going to acknowledge my existence. It's completely bizarre as I'm a very good looking guy with SO much to offer in a relationship yet finding a woman to even breath in my direction has become a pointless endeavor. I just don't get it.

[Learning_curve74]

I guess my problem is that she claims to be in treatment now -- doing DBT and taking Prozac (which I can't confirm because she is living across the country with the new guy). It's killing me because after our break up I was the one who told her about BPD -- and now I'm extremely bitter that the next guy might not go through the hell she put me through, and that maybe I should have taken her back when she begged me to. Maybe I could have made it work if she were in treatment with me.

Still, there's a small part of my brain which wonders if she's going to get better and they are going to sail off into the sunset together. It's killing me.

NYC, If it's any help, I was a "next guy", and my BPDex and I didn't "sail off into the sunset together" even though I learned early on that she had BPD. She's had therapy in the past but quit. If you read enough stories on the boards, lots of BPDers quit their therapy and backslide. If you want a temporary fantasy, you're better off buying a lottery ticket because it's cheaper and less disappointing when you don't win.  


Dave44, hang in there. Your self esteem took a big hit and needs some time to bounce back. You'll get it back and get back your mojo as well.     To be totally honest, I too felt a strong urge to be needed and desired after breaking up with my BPDex.

[sadinnc98]

Dave44 thank your lucky stars. There ain't nothing nice about post breakup contact. It's all a bunch of childish nonsense that causes even more hurt. Exes be exes for a reason.

I cannot agree with this more... I understand where your thinking is, but trust me, you are way, way, way better off! The more he contacts me, the more I hurt... . truly.  :'(

[fromheeltoheal]

My take is recovery from BPD is similar to recovery from alcoholism, in that complete abstinence is required, and only then does the real work start, the search for and resolution of the underlying causes.  To do it right, a BPD should end a relationship, or have it ended for them, and enter treatment, substituting a relationship with a good therapist for a significant-other relationship, for a long, long time; there's a lot of work to do.  And as with alcoholism, the success rates are very low, and real progress takes years and years of intensive work.

But more likely, a BPD will start the cycle all over again with a new victim, a willing victim mind you, naive as hell in my case, but a victim nonetheless, remembering that the BPD was the original victim in childhood.  So the cycle repeats, and there will be a continuous supply of kind-hearted individuals that will go down the same path we did, and enjoy the same chaos.

The best we can do is realize we can't fix it, and use the pain to motivate us to not only avoid those types of relationships in the future, but dig deeply into our own stuff, searching for the reasons we went so far down a dysfunctional path, ignored all those red flags, and accepted all that abuse, trying in vain to get back to something that was a fantasy and a fiction to begin with.  What can we make the experience mean, realizing that everything happens for us and not to us?

[Ironmanrises]

Dave44,

My exUBPDgf re-engaged me once after she left me the first time. I let her back into my life knowing full well what she has and what the inevitable outcome was going to be at the end. And it played out literally exactly in Idealize. Devalue. Discard. Both times.

Based on this, she will try and re-engage with me again. As you can see, she successfully did it to me before. It is only a matter of time. When that time comes, if i let her back in again... . She will hurt me again in the same exact way. She hurt me really bad when she left first time. The second time, multiply the hurt by 1000. The next time will kill me.

She will only hurt you. The hurt you are feeling now will pale in comparison to the hurt she will inflict in a future discard of you. It is inevitable.

My Ironman suit was ripped apart in the process. As much as i read about BPD... . made no difference... . other then being able to forecast her exact horrifying behavior that was aimed only at me. The person most intimate with her.

My Ironman suit could not protect me. I tumble from space in the aftermath.

Ironmanfalls

[WXYZ]

I know for a fact my exBPD's next 'victim' is going through hell right now.

He's trying to keep busy with work just to stay SANE.

Classic push/pull, manipulation, etc driving him around the twist.

In his own word: "I don't know what normal is any more" ... .

[charred]

I wouldnt want to be the next one, would you?

I don't mean to take over the original poster/topic but in regards to the question quoted... . yes. I'm so incredibly lonely at this point I would take any form of interest from a woman -- BPD/healthy or not. I've become a prisoner of my own world of loneliness suffering every day wondering if someone, anyone is going to acknowledge my existence. It's completely bizarre as I'm a very good looking guy with SO much to offer in a relationship yet finding a woman to even breath in my direction has become a pointless endeavor. I just don't get it.

I think the quiet loneliness is what gets us in trouble, we are lonely for a reason, like we disconnect from people in general, and keep them at a distance. The pwBPD ignores boundaries and is super nice to us at first and we trust them, then when they turn on us or leave... . we are devastated.

They didn't do us in... . we did it to us, by isolating ourselves from our feelings, and from genuine connections with people, ... . THEN they came in and gave us a hyper taste of emotions and connection and we loved the good stuff, they gave us connections to bad feelings and we didn't like that, but we felt alive and involved. They kind of force you to be in the moment and feeling things... . much like a little kid... . and normal people don't do that.

Having them contacting us after breakup... . is excruciating, not nice. The r/s we had with a pwBPD is like one with a parent, all that early fake nice stuff they do seems like unconditional love, we eat it up, put them on a pedestal and deep down react like they are a parent... and when they dump us or we break up... . the hurt is like losing a parent, not just a girlfriend. Imagine losing your mom... . and then getting to talk to her for a hour every once in a while after you lost her... . it would make you nearly insane... would not help. You would have so much emotional stuff riding on every word you would be a basket case... . all the loss feelings would come back each time when you had to quit talking or leave again... Making desperate pleas to not be gone would make you like a begging child mentally... . that is what the post-breakup contact does.

[LoneWolf768]

What I find really, really disturbing (but considering the source, it isn't so disturbing after all) is the fact that the BPD'ers will more often than not start the fights, accusation, button pushing, etc. to have a reason to leave the relationship. That's what mine did. These people have our blue prints memorized enough to know how to really stroke the fires within us. Then, when they've gotten us to blow a gasket, they simply and calmly say things like "See? This is what the problem is.", "It's too bad you're friends don't know you like I do." and "I can't deal with you and your drama. This isn't what I want."  If they would just take the road less traveled and less combustible, perhaps the situation would be less painful and volatile.

I'm sure, if my ex ever meets someone, she'll drive that guy nuts and smear his name to all of her friends like she did me and I can just hear her telling her friends that what led to the breakup was EVERYTHING HE DID! This is under the presumption she keep a man long enough. Any man that would want to put up with a married woman living with her husband, daughter, sister-in-law and mother-in-law must have a pretty low sense of self worth himself.

A part of me wouldn't mind hearing how bad her next relationship will turn out. It's inevitable. And the Cycle of Spiritual Justice will side in my favor :

)  !

[Surnia]

A part of me wouldn't mind hearing how bad her next relationship will turn out. It's inevitable. And the Cycle of Spiritual Justice will side in my favor :

)  !

And what is with the other part? What would he wish or do?

[Emelie Emelie]

I have a really hard time thinking about my BPDxbf getting involved with someone else.  I try not to think about it because, like the rest of you, it about kills me.  There wasn't any infidelity in our relationship.  And at first I thought he might have met someone, or had someone lined up, but I'm pretty sure i was wrong about that.  In any case I had numerous conversations about him about trying some sort of medication for his anger and irritability.  He rejected it out of hand.  When we were talking this week he indicated he was going to check into it.  Got to admit that hurt.  I mean he wouldn't do it for me but he wants to try so his next relationship doesn't crash and burn.  But in any case... . I think i can honestly say I don't want him to make the next girl miserable.  "She" is an innocent as we all were going into this.  And I don't want him to be miserable either.  He's in so much pain and misery as it is.  Yes I'm beyond hurt.  Yes I'm angry.  Yes I want him back (but can't go back).  But I still love him.  And I hope and pray I'll get over this yearning and sadness someday.  But I still worry about him.  I want him to be happy.  There is a tortured soul there.  I want him to find some peace. 

[LoneWolf768]

Surnia, the other part of me is the sympathetic human being in me that wouldn't want to hear she was abused in any way. Yes, I'd like her to get her comeuppance, but I don't want to her she was smacked around or anything by some guy whose emotions she toyed with. I'm not THAT cruel!

[Surnia]

This was my guess, that you are not so cruel. Thats why I asked. 

[FinallyFreeInNYC]

She deliberately sought out a guy at another graduate program at my school. I saw them together on campus heading back to his apartment and I almost had a panic attack. Since he graduated, they both moved across the country (after less than 3 months together).

They are both 3000 miles away from me now. But this new guy is still very "real" to me -- I've seen him with my own eyes, and I lived in a personal prison looking over my shoulder for the rest of my schooling until they left together.

I just wish this relationship would fail and she can meet someone else. Some nameless, faceless, random guy 3000 miles away. And she can "recycle" the new guy all she likes -- threatening suicide, etc... .

I honestly think it would make me feel substantially more "removed" from the situation, and I would feel my pain transferred into the new drama triangle. As if my pain wasn't happening to me anymore, but to him now. I know it might seem petty, and irrational -- but it's how I feel right now.

[LoneWolf768]

This was my guess, that you are not so cruel. Thats why I asked. 

Surnia, Thank you for your correct guess. No, I don't want any sort of violence to come her way, in any way, shape or from from anyone, let alone some new guy.

No one deserves to be beaten to a pulp or hurt so bad their in the hospital (or, God forbid, worse) but some people, when their emotions are toyed with, react in a variety of ways from walking away to inflicting physical harm. We see it all the time on the news. Make me wonder what this person did to the person who freaked out!

Thank you again for recognizing I'm a good man. Now, my ex will disagree with you, and she has her reasons. She apparently expected me to just roll over when she started her mind games and all I did was use words as my defense... . and words hurt far less then hands and fists do!. 

[Surnia]

One of the things to learn about is that we know our values and that we have options.

This was a very important lesson to me.

[ucmeicu2]

First time around she didn't contact me again... was some 26 yrs before she did... on FB, and it led to a divorce and general devastation in my file. We recycled 7-8 times... . I am in treatment for PTSD now. She is just like Jodi Arias... as a hater she could easily shoot, stab and slice my throat... . Must be nice? Was the single worst thing in my life so far. Be careful what you wish for... . with a pwBPD... it can always be worse.

be careful what you wish for... . no joke  doesn't anybody else here have serious deep rooted fears of their pwBPD maiming or killing them?  maybe i run on the paranoid side, but i was often afraid to go to sleep her house.  she almost always stayed awake doing god only knows what.  we are most vulnerable when asleep.  jodi arias didn't even wait for sleep... .

but back to the OP, please don't take this as criticism, it's more an invitation to look deeper.  i've entertained plenty of unhealthy thoughts but if what we Nons feel/felt for our pwBPD is/was truly "love" then wouldn't we actually desire for them to find a happy, meaningful, fulfilling love r/s even if it's with someone else? 

why are so many of us Nons somewhat (fully?) obsessed with themes/thoughts revolving around hate, revenge, ill-will, etc?  we talk about the pwBPD being childish/immature/dysregulated emotions/etc but how much better off are we?

i'm seeing more and more clearly, thanx to this board and all ya'll great folks, that this entire experience/process is soo much about ME, than it ever was about HER.   

icu2

[LoneWolf768]

I firmly believe they get WORSE in each relationship! I'm convinced of it.

Their disordered 'acting out' is largely shame/guilt based. They cannot face their own shame & wrong doings but because they can't face it, they can't lay any of it to rest or make piece with it. Only option left is to CARRY IT INTO NEW RELATIONSHIP AS EXTRA BAGGAGE.

My ex got progressively worse after each recycle (because she was subconsciously carrying more shame each time around).

I had it worse than my predecessor & he had it worse than his... .

I'm the neighbors predecessor & he'll get it worse than me because she's now carrying the shame of what she did in our relationship.

Ya get me?

Loud and clear, good buddy! Excellent post, Moonie! I'd like to think if my ex is involved with someone right now (other than her husband, that is) that she's feeling some regret for how things shook out. I don't know if she's all bark and no bite (save for her not following through with her calling the police on me... . which would've been useless for her) and I can't really gauge if she felt any shame or regret at what happened. Whatever guilt, shame or regret she may have felt, she placed firmly on my shoulders.

Must be nice to just blame everything else i.e. bad luck, wrong place-wrong time, fate, etc. and everybody else for things that go wrong in your life. And as you wrote and we're all coming to realize... . take it out on the person in the next relationship.

You're absolutely correct: they can't accept any blame whatsoever. It's like strangling their own ego if they admit they're human.

[Zack]

FFINNYC

From my own experience. My uBPDex fiancée hooked up with a male 'friend' straight after she finished our relationship. She is still with him 20 months later, I now that for sure. Is she happy? I don't know. That being said we were together for over 2 years... . I kept hanging in there... . the new partner maybe hanging in there to... . hoping she will change, hoping he can 'fix' her. Up until recently my ex and myself kept our relationship on the slow burner, meeting for coffee, making love, being a couple even though she was in a relationship with her 'friend'. If she cared for him, loved him, or felt any empathy for him she wouldn't have done those things... . I was in his position once. 

Without therapy why would they change their behaviour with a new partner? We're talking about changing someone's mind. I'm no psychologist but would a schizophrenic suddenly become well without therapy? a person suffering with tourettes suddenly become well without a cure? no.

I think it's important to focus on how were were treated during our relationships with BPD partners. I was treated appallingly, lied to, blamed, raged at... . none of us deserve that.

[FinallyFreeInNYC]

Long post, but really struggling right now -- please read and comment if you'd like. I really appreciate everyone's support so far

Lately I've just been CONSUMED with feelings of doubt. She claims to be in DBT therapy and on Prozac now (after I told her about BPD). The diagnosis and treatment came AFTER she moved thousands of miles away with the new guy. While they were together in my city, she constantly emailed me behind his back begging me to take her back. I even agreed to meet her the day before she left to move across the country with him (he had already left a few days earlier, and she had been with him for about 3 months at this point), and she told me "He will always be second to you." etc... . And we ended up sleeping together.

I also suspect I'm going through some form of PTSD. After I broke up with her, she sent me photos of her cutting herself (with my name written in blood) and attempted suicide with pills (I had to call the police and have a car sent to her). I've never gone through anything so traumatic. Also, her deliberate choice to start seeing someone at my school (she was NOT a student at my university -- she deliberately searched OKCupid for students who go to my school) caused extreme anxiety for me whenever I went to/from campus. Meanwhile, she was constantly emailing me saying things like "[new guy] is a poor substitute" for me. etc... . extremely manipulative. 

I have been NC for about 2 months, but recently broke it by looking at her social media. This guy has bought into her BS hook-line-and-sinker. He  just took her on a luxurious trip to Vegas, Napa Valley, and Hawaii. There are tons of photos of her kissing him, in a tropical paradise, etc... .

When I saw her before she left, she alluded to her new bf's affinity for cocaine. He will be starting his first job as a lawyer soon, so basically he spends tons of his parent's money on her (considering he has never had a "real" job). I suspect he has serious self-esteem issues (hence the cocaine) and spending money on her boosts his ego (she grew up in poverty and is essentially broke). I doubt he is aware that she is also thousands of dollars in debt. I suspect maybe even I had similar issues, because it made me feel good to take care of her. But when I realized that she was never going to get her life together, I decided I wanted more out of a relationship and broke up with her.

I'm just extremely bitter about everything right now. What if she actually is getting better? Did I miss out on the love of my life? Should I have taken her back when I had the chance? Do I still have the chance?

All of my idle time is consumed by these ruminations. I've sought out therapy but it hasn't been very helpful.

My brain knows a life with her would be miserable. She will never

- go back to college and earn a degree

- hold a "real" job

- have health insurance

- be able to support herself on her own

She would always just be completely dependent on me [just like she is with the new guy].

BUT MY HEART JUST WON'T FOLLOW. It has been 6 months since the breakup, 3 months since I last slept with her, and 1.5 months since last contact (a phone call). I'm struggling.

[Hazelrah]

FFINNYC,

You touch on something that has been eating away at me for some time.  My separated BPDw started DBT a short time before she walked out on our marriage, and I find myself constantly ruminating whether she is ultimately going to find some sort of peace and happiness as she continues the therapy and carries on with a creepy ex-boyfriend she's recycled in the midst of our separation.

But I have to remind myself that DBT takes a concerted effort for a considerable amount of time before borderlines can show any marked improvement, and even then it can't necessarily be assured that there lives, feelings and emotions 'normalize' in any permanent way.

Even knowing this, I can't help but feel as if I've also lost my best friend, and the most important person that ever came through my life, warts and all.

[snappafcw]

8 Months on and I am still hurting a little but I've never ever wanted anything but for her to be happy period. That's love right there. Forgiving her wasn't too hard its myself I need to forgive and almost have.

[mcc503764]

Please post stories of it failing with the NEXT GUY

Better yet, how about stories of succeeding with the NEXT GIRL (for those of us on this end of the equation)? 

This is a really good point... . we've all focused too long on our x's, why not talk about new r/s's in which we applied our new skills and knowledge to it?

MCC

[Learning_curve74]

I have been NC for about 2 months, but recently broke it by looking at her social media. This guy has bought into her BS hook-line-and-sinker. He  just took her on a luxurious trip to Vegas, Napa Valley, and Hawaii. There are tons of photos of her kissing him, in a tropical paradise, etc... .

ffiNYC, it might be best to just block her from your social media. NC includes looking her up on social media, asking friends what she is up to, etc. NC gives us the time and space to heal because we can easily spend too much time and energy on them instead of ourselves. Every time we see/hear something about the next guy, it just opens the possibility of hurting us or at least setting us back on our healing.

If you really want a dose of reality, go to the staying board and read the stories there. It's not very empathizing of me, but sometimes it makes me feel like we are the lucky ones.

[delgato]

I have been NC for about 2 months, but recently broke it by looking at her social media. This guy has bought into her BS hook-line-and-sinker. He just took her on a luxurious trip to Vegas, Napa Valley, and Hawaii. There are tons of photos of her kissing him, in a tropical paradise, etc... .

FinallyFree,


For pwBPD, Facebook or whatever is simply another tool/weapon for them.

Once you begin to recognize some of their patterns/tactics/techniques, it's both fairly amusing & pathetic.


They do this stuff intentionally, taking full advantage of the "leverage" of social media. Try not to buy into it.

If you do, you're playing right into their hand, and they're accomplishing exactly what they set out to do.

[ucmeicu2]

NC includes looking her up on social media

wha... ?  i didn't know that.  how'd i miss that?  is there a place here that explains the full context/definition of NC? 

i thought it just meant no direct contact be it physical, phone calls, texts, etc.  i mean like, where do we draw the line?  if i look at her pictures or get a letter in the mail and read it, did i break NC?  i guess the 6 months of NC under my belt isn't really under my belt... .  

icu2

[ucmeicu2]

For pwBPD, Facebook or whatever is simply another tool/weapon for them.

so true.  i also discovered, too late, that my xBPDgf used Facebook as a virtual single's bar for hook-ups.  that's where she met every guy that she cheated on me with (that i'm aware of) ... .   she puts up sexually appealing "selfies", encourages men to contact her and trolls to make local "friends" who then become "victims" .  (ok, lil anger seeping out there, sorry)

in the end, one day she left it open and i had the opportunity to look inside her FB, at personal messages, and it was a bit tempting but i passed on it, for my survival.  probably the best use of what little bit of common sense and dignity i had left!    i knew it would be painful at best and might just shatter my world at worst.

icu2

[bpdspell]

I'm just extremely bitter about everything right now. What if she actually is getting better? Did I miss out on the love of my life? Should I have taken her back when I had the chance? Do I still have the chance?

All of my idle time is consumed by these ruminations. I've sought out therapy but it hasn't been very helpful.

BUT MY HEART JUST WON'T FOLLOW. It has been 6 months since the breakup, 3 months since I last slept with her, and 1.5 months since last contact (a phone call). I'm struggling.

Finally Free,

It's been six months since you've been broken up with your ex but you have not made detaching your goal. You have created a narrative in your mind about her being all fixed up and polished for the new guy because she's in therapy and on medication. It's natural to create a narrative about them being "healed" with the new guy but nothing could be further from the truth. If she were healed she wouldn't have cheated with you. If she were healed should wouldn't be betraying her new love interest.

Finally Free. BPD is a serious mental illness and it helps to re-focus on the facts of the disorder. Remember the truth of what you experienced while you were together. BPD cannot be scratched out like dandruff or dropped off at the laundromat. It's a attachment and shame based disorder that is triggered by intimacy and vulnerability.

As for your ex's therapy it takes years of intensive committed therapy before this disorder can be better managed. I suspect that your ex isn't as committed to her healing as you believe. More than likely she is riding the belief that her new beau will cure her of her pretzel logic and emotional dsyregulation.

Your proof that she's the same is that she cheated with you.

One of the most difficult aspects of accepting a BPD breakup is accepting that we fell in love with a mentally ill person. They look normal on the outside but on the inside lives a core damaged and emotionally stunted child with a limited capacity to emotionally exchange in a mature and healthy way. Our BPD's have a past that we cannot fix or make go away and no amount of "newness" will repress their traumatic memories or disorder permanently. Because wherever they go BPD lives and breathes.

So to answer your questions:

Is she getting better? I highly doubt that; particularly if she's in the throws of idealization.

Did you miss out on the love of your life? No. The love of your life is the love you have for yourself.

Should I have taken her back when I had the chance? It depends on what you believe this woman can give you. Do you really believe that this woman has the magical keys to your happiness?

Do I still have the chance? Again. What exactly do you believe this woman has? She has treated you horribly. Left you for new supply. Cheated with you and told lies. Do you want someone back that cannot be trusted?

Again. This all boils down to accepting her disorder. And since you're on the Leaving Board the goal is DETACHMENT and her actions are the truth of her.

Spell