uexBPDgf is Married

[Phoenix.Rising]

I suppose it was just a matter of time, but it didn't take her long.  I found out my ex is now married.  She got married in July.  The last time we talked was in January of this year, and she was just starting to see this person (I guess it's the same person because I don't know what she's been doing, maybe it is someone different).  Either way, I have not met the person, I don't know what he looks like, etc.  At most, they dated 6 months before marriage.

This is her 3rd marriage.  I think she met him at the bar.  She is a heavy drinker.  But who cares?  I guess I do to some extent.  I do feel some sadness, and maybe some hurt as well.  I remember her basically telling me about six months in that she wanted to marry me.  I saw red flags from the beginning and the excessive drinking really scared me because I am a recovering alcoholic.  Part of me really wanted to marry her, but that was probably the main thing holding me back.  I would have been putting myself in danger, I believe.

I feel kind of numb, too, and my emotions have been real up and down lately.  My posting on here has been a bit erratic, so I'm trying to get more stabilized again.  I have been on some dates with different women, but nothing has really materialized.  I can tell a couple of women want to go further with me, but I'm not sure I'm interested.  The sex seems to pale compared to my BPDex, but the reality is that sex with her was fraught with a lot of dysfunction.  I believe my mom has BPD, so it's no wonder I feel so attracted to those types.  Sometimes I feel very broken myself.

I have made so much progress, however, over the years and I know that I will be ok if I just continue to put one foot in front of the other and apply the principles of recovery to my life.  I do still miss my ex at times, but I don't miss the push/pull, devaluation, and anxiety.  I was trying to prove something to her that was impossible.  Thanks for listening.

[heartandwhole]

Phoenix.Rising, I'm sorry.    That is a painful discovery, and I can understand your up and down emotions - I would feel the same.  

I think it's a testament to your emotional health and resilience that you knew that marrying a heavy drinker was not a good move for you.  You put your well being first, it's all you've got, and all you've got to give.  I commend you for your strength, although I know you don't feel very strong right now.  Feeling what comes up for you and expressing it responsibly is about the best example of self-love I know.  Thank you for showing us that.

One step in front of the other - I wish you light and peaceful steps.  

[seeking balance]

  Phoenix.Rising 

I am sorry you are hurting from this.

For me, each time my ex would act pretty much like everyone else's BPD on the boards, it was just another reality check that "wow, I really was with someone who is mentally ill".  Since I never got a technical diagnosis, in the back of my mind I could have that doubt. 

I also realized my mom and my ex were very much the same in patterns... . that too was a real reality check.  I had been to therapy in the past and knew my mom wasn't great at parenting (but there were great things too, like all BPD).  I have really had to change my thoughts about what to be attracted too.  The first few people I dated after all this realization had BPD traits - I now recognize and ended quickly.

I have not been on a date in about 9 months now... . and I don't feel that loneliness I felt back after ex and I broke up or when I first started dating.  Yes, I would like to meet someone, but I don't want to settle and I now see unhealthy or manipulative behavior, fake confidence, mirroring, etc and I am not attracted to that energy.  Kinda cool really.

My point is, it is normal to feel everything you do based on your experiences... . it may take a bit of time to balance out.  But once you do, you really are ok.  YOU are doing the work, YOU are changing your patterns... . our FOO had us for a long time, so it takes a bit to reprogram.

YOU are worth it - and at this point, we both know your ex would not satisfy your need for a person to be in  a relationship with.  Feel sad as you need to, then remember - you are worth more.

Do something good for you today if you can.

Peace,

SB

[Phoenix.Rising]

   I appreciate the support and validation.  It means a lot!  A little more background on my situation.  I said the last time we spoke was in January of this year, which is true, but the last time we were together as a couple was in June of 2012.  I tried maintaining a friendship with her, and had some limited success for a short period, but the overall attempt was futile.  My emotions were way too strong, and I couldn't separate 'friends' from lovers.  We were speaking of meeting for lunch in December 2012, and who knows what might have happened, but that doesn't matter.

She was dating almost immediately after our last breakup.  She was actually talking to someone on the phone either before the actual breakup or immediately after.  We had already recycled many times at this point.  I bought an engagement ring for her in June 2012, but I never showed it to her or asked her to marry me.  I did love her and wanted to be with her, but there was so much 'wrong' with the picture, I couldn't bring myself to ask her, but I was about to anyway. 

I mentioned she's a heavy drinker, and she is, but she also went to work every day at a fairly high demanding job with a prominent firm in town.  She has her own house and carries herself quite well in the public eye (except when she's out at the bars), and she is gorgeous... at least she is to me.

I did not date for a year after our break up in June, which not surprisingly came after an intimate weekend camping together (although it was always a surprise when she would suddenly pull away like what seemed out of nowhere).  My initial post sounded like I started dating immediately after our break up and that is not the case.  I've dated several women, and I slept with one woman a few times, but realized the relationship was not for me.  I have seen some BPDish traits in some of the women already, and I don't want any part of that.  To be honest, though, a part of me thinks it wants that sometimes because that is what I'm used to.  But the healthier part of me that has been emerging doesn't want that at all.  I want someone who is relatively normal, whatever that means.  For me, it means someone who does not have BPD or is an active alcoholic!  And yes, Seeking Balance is right, BPD is definitely a mental illness.  That is very clear to me now.

Seeking Balance, it's encouraging to hear you don't feel the loneliness like you used to.  I still vacillate back and forth with that, and it's difficult to trust that the Universe will really take care of me.  But I'm believing it more.  I would rather be alone right now than be in a situation where I feel this awful anxiety most of the time, and I feel I am losing myself.

Heartandwhole, I wish for light and peace in your life as well!

We all deserve to have a relationship where we can grow, trust, and feel safe.  It just seems so far away sometimes.  Maybe it's closer than we think?

[clairedair]

Hi phoenix-rising,

my exH recently married someone he'd been seeing for about six months - someone he started seeing very shortly after our final split (several reconciliations and breakups).  I was relieved in a way because I needed him to be immersed in someone else so I could heal. 

Interesting what you say about buying a ring but not giving it to her.  We got together again after our divorce and I remember thinking that if he mentioned marrying again, I would be really wary as I was anxious that he would not turn up at the wedding.  I'd lost trust.  I stuck around so many times thinking that the trust would be rebuilt but he was never able to stay.  Now I wonder why I didn't take these feelings as signs that our relationship was never going to be 'safe' for either of us again.

However, although we realise that it's best for us not to be with our ex, it still really hurts that they do not appear to grieve our relationship in any meaningful way. They move on so quickly and we're left in a heap.  Yet, I know that it's a blessing in disguise for me.

I would rather be alone right now than be in a situation where I feel this awful anxiety most of the time, and I feel I am losing myself.

Sounds like you are trying not to rush your healing which is a good thing if a little frustrating at times!  I hope you continue to look after yourself as well as you have been.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Phoenix,

     This is really painful for you and I truly know the feeling.  I got to watch my pwBPD get pregnant a couple of times soon after and seem to live the life of my dreams.  I have the advantage now, however, of running that r/s of hers on 'fast forward', as it was decades ago.  Just guess what happened in the years following.  Did you guess?  So, she had so many extramarital affairs in this marriage she became semi-famous where they both worked.  In fact there was a contest for a while (unknown to me as it probably had my name in the candidate pool) to guess who the father might be of the kids.  She seemed much better for a short time and then dysregulated more severely than ever before and, basically, crushed her own career as a result.  She accused him publicly of multiple affairs and he still stood by her and the kids.  She finally divorced him in what, despite all the time that has passed, is still described as the nastiest divorce anyone has ever seen, particularly since it involved her extreme alienation of the children's affection towards their (supposed) father. Multiple career changes, impulsivity and multiple public (some documented on sex sites on the internet, if you can believe it) episodes of sexually acting out, more marriages, divorces, career changes, etc. 

     Yes, you lost out to this guy who got to walk down the aisle with her.  I know the feeling.  He's the winner and you are a true loser.  Ummmm... . Congratulations? 

LT

[Phoenix.Rising]

I would be really wary as I was anxious that he would not turn up at the wedding.  I'd lost trust.

Claiedair, 

I had the same concerns.  It got to where I had no idea if she was going to be "in" the relationship or "out" of the relationship on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis!  That is certainly no way to live, for me, anyway.  She was aware of that, too, on some level because she asked me one time why I would want to be with someone who kept changing her mind. 

You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned trust.  I lost trust in her.  I'm not sure I ever fully trusted her.  To be honest, though, I think she had problems trusting me as well.  Now I'm trying to trust myself first and foremost.  I believe I will attract healthier partners if the trust in myself is more complete.  Thanks for you post.

LaoTzu,

You post made me laugh.  I appreciate that.  But it also has an undertone of dead seriousness, which I understand.  Although I don't always feel like it, the reality is that I know in my heart of hearts I am better off not being involved with her.  Had she chosen to get some kind of help, which she didn't, things might be different.  But even then, I know it would have been a long hard road to travel.

I'm sorry you had to experience such pain, but the demise of these relationships can open our eyes and hearts if we allow that to take place.  This is true with most painful situations we encounter, but this one seems to have an exponential greater effect than most other experiences I've encountered.  And it's not so much about her, as it is about me.

In a bit of sadistic sense, I felt a sense of pleasure hearing that your ex's marriage did not work, so I am still feeling some selfishness.  There is another side of me, however, that thinks about my ex and wants her to be Ok.  But I honestly don't see how the situation she is in now would be any better.  In fact, I believe it will get worse unless she changes her course.  Maybe this marriage, and possible subsequent separation, will lead her in the direction towards change?  I don't know, and that is not up to me, and it is out of my hands.   The question is, will I change?

Yeah, it's good to be the loser sometimes...

[Phoenix.Rising]

Update:  I went to a single's group get together last night and ran into a guy who dated and married (and who is now divorced) a friend of my ex's.  I asked him if he knew anything about the guy my ex is now married to.  He said he heard the guy recently got out of prison for something to do with methamphetamines.  Nice!  I'm not sure what to think, to be honest.  He said he thought they dated about 3 months before getting married.  I looked the guy's name up and searched arrest records in the county my ex lives in and found several arrest records for theft in that county from years ago connected to his name.  I'm fairly certain it's the same person because the first, middle, and last name are exactly the same.  I got his full name by finding their marriage record online.  That information was relatively easy to find, and did not cost me a dime. 

My feelings are still really mixed up.  Part of me is not surprised, but part of me is.  Part is angry and disgusted, and part of me feels sympathetic towards her.  Part of me wants her to get better, and part of me wants her to crash and burn.  I'm just all over the map, but I'm sure it will settle down.  What bothers me quite a bit is that she has two young children, and I just can't see how this can be good for them. 

The guy I talked to last night also told me that she had told her friend that she was very happy with her new man.  To me, it sounds like typical borderline pathology in the idealization stage.  She is totally in 'love', head over heels.  He also said, though, that she was real upset with him one night when they were out drinking and he was complaining about how much she was drinking, and then she made some kind of comment about him being in prison for drugs.  Anyway, you get the picture.  All of this is hearsay, but it's good enough for me at this point. 

I obviously did the right thing in not continuing to pursue any type of connection with her.  She had pulled away from me as well.  I was not going to continue to enable her negative behaviors.  I confronted her several times about  some of her behavior, and I think that was part of what broke the spell.  It's water under the bridge for me now, but I am still dealing with residual feelings, and now this latest realization.  I am grateful that I am not wrapped up in that madness.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I guess the weight of the knowledge of her getting married hit me last night, as I cried for some time.  It was a deep cry.  I retrieved a box with some cards and letters she gave me, along with some pictures.  She said the most endearing things to me at times.  But she could completely switch to saying she couldn't be with me any longer the very next day! 

I started journaling my experiences with her, and kept it up for probably a year or more.  She repeated the same behaviors, but the devaluations got worse, as did her pull aways.  She knew, too, though, that I had my reservations.  I'm sure that contributed to her devaluation of me.  I have a letter she wrote me stating she wanted to marry me, and had played that out in her mind many times.  It was hard for me to see that again.

But I felt a bit lighter this morning, like the tears cleared away some of the heaviness.  I want to think that was another step in the letting go process.  The dichotomy of emotion and words in these relationships is almost beyond belief. 

It is a mental illness. 

[clairedair]

But I felt a bit lighter this morning, like the tears cleared away some of the heaviness.  I want to think that was another step in the letting go process.  The dichotomy of emotion and words in these relationships is almost beyond belief. 

I read in another post something I found helpful.  The poster was frustrated that he was still crying over ex - she didn't deserve his tears.  The person who replied said something along the lines of the tears being for him, not the ex.  I am angry with myself at times for crying but the tears do help with my grieving and I think given what we've suffered that it is OK for me (and for you) to feel 'bereaved'. 

We may know that a relationship/marriage to ex was not going to be healthy but all those loving letters are reminders that we did once believe wholeheartedly that we would spend our lives together.  We invested a great deal - emotionally (financially!) - and now are experiencing loss.

take care,

Claire

[VeryFree]

Interesting to see how persons feelings are different.

I think I can understand your feelings. Seeing your x together with another must be hard.

In my case I would be happy I guess. Not for my x, but for me: the only way she can and will control me now and the upcoming years is by alimony: she demands an unreasonable amount and court is not going to give it, but... . probably I am doomed to support her for many years, untill she finds another poor b*stard, she can suck dry. Therefore I would really like her to marry again.

But she knows this and right now her hate is so big and her urge to control me is so big, she will not go down the isle soon. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

The person who replied said something along the lines of the tears being for him, not the ex.  I am angry with myself at times for crying but the tears do help with my grieving and I think given what we've suffered that it is OK for me (and for you) to feel 'bereaved'. 

I am not afraid to cry, and, yes, the tears are for me and my healing.  For me, if I don't cry, I hang on to the bitterness, anger, resentment, etc.  It is OK to cry.  But I don't want to cry all the time.  There is no need for that.  Maybe the tears were for her, too, though.  She can't see me, but this is part of what my tears were saying:

M, even with all the hurt, I loved you... as much as I was capable of.  We were both sick.  We did the best we knew how.  You hurt me, but I forgive you.  I know I hurt you, too.  It's not a pleasant thought thinking of you with another man, but it doesn't kill me, either.  You have your path, and I have mine.  You are a child of God, as am I.  I hope you come to a place where you are willing to get some help for your illness.  I am working on getting help for myself.  You gave me many gifts, whether you realize it or not.  Goodbye.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Very Scared,

I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you.  It is likely that your ex will marry again.  They do not like to be alone.  But who I am to say?  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.