Blackmail and trying to staying with me, help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I need some advice desperately. My uBPD(x) boyfriend of 4.5 years is blackmailing me into letting him stay with me. 2 months ago we both moved out of our apartment, I moved into a new 1 bedroom apartment by myself and he moved into a friends house knowing he could only stay there for a couple of months. Now those months are up and he has no where to go. I told him he could not stay here, when I said that he threatened to send compromising photos of myself to my family and/or post them online. (I regret the photos, but at the time I felt very coerced into it.) He has been insistent upon it and I honestly have no trust left in him. I feel that he is capable of actually going through with his threat.

He claims that even if I tried to get restraining order or ask his brothers to talk him out of this, that it still wouldn't stop him.

He basically forced his way over this evening to tell me about this and the terms/conditions. (1-3 month stay, 35% of rent, moving his crap in, etc.) There was no discussion, negotiation, or anything its was just him telling me the "way it will be". This made me so so so angry, I was completely unable to disengage and went into a fit of rage. I'm ashamed, but I was angry and feel so powerless. I am really lost and am not sure what to do.

I was hopeful that this would have all ended two months ago. I so desperately need to be healing right now. I don't know what to do, please help me. When will this bad dream end?

[Sandy beaches]

I need some advice desperately. My uBPD(x) boyfriend of 4.5 years is blackmailing me into letting him stay with me. 2 months ago we both moved out of our apartment, I moved into a new 1 bedroom apartment by myself and he moved into a friends house knowing he could only stay there for a couple of months. Now those months are up and he has no where to go. I told him he could not stay here, when I said that he threatened to send compromising photos of myself to my family and/or post them online. (I regret the photos, but at the time I felt very coerced into it.) He has been insistent upon it and I honestly have no trust left in him. I feel that he is capable of actually going through with his threat.

He claims that even if I tried to get restraining order or ask his brothers to talk him out of this, that it still wouldn't stop him.

He basically forced his way over this evening to tell me about this and the terms/conditions. (1-3 month stay, 35% of rent, moving his crap in, etc.) There was no discussion, negotiation, or anything its was just him telling me the "way it will be". This made me so so so angry, I was completely unable to disengage and went into a fit of rage. I'm ashamed, but I was angry and feel so powerless. I am really lost and am not sure what to do.

I was hopeful that this would have all ended two months ago. I so desperately need to be healing right now. I don't know what to do, please help me. When will this bad dream end?

[eeyore]

   Sandy beaches, at some point in time the uncomfortableness you feel will become so great that the blackmail he presents won't matter to you.  You will stand up to him and eradicate him from your life.  Remember, Only you control the situation. 

Please read about Fear, Obligation, and Guilt

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

There's also a thread on Emotional Blackmail.  I hope someone else can find it and post the link. 

I think these would be helpful to you. 

[Surnia]

 

So sorry to hear this, sandy beaches. I can relate with your wish to move on peacefully and focus on your healing. 

I think the goal is to not give in to his blackmail.

I see 2 possibilities: Asking a lawyer about the legal part with the photos and your options.

Can you be open to your family about the fact that they will perhaps receive pictures? Being proactive?

[GreenMango]

You could take the wind out of sails by telling your family what he's doing.  Maybe let them know he could be sending these photos.

Heart to heart I'd be real surprised if your family didn't have their compromising stuff - its just not on blast.  It's important to keep your head on straight - too much emotion with this kind of stuff leads to impulsive or bad decisions.

My guess is hes pushing and it may be idle threats.  He will get away with however much you allow.  I wouldn't meet a person like this privately again - unless I miked myself up to use the recording later.

Or since blackmail, aka extortion, can be illegal maybe you gets his terms in writing (thats called proof of  and bring this to the attention of an authority.

Wikipedia, while not westlaw case history, is pretty useful to jump off from.

www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extortion

Extortion

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Last modified 12 hours ago

"Exact" redirects here. For the exact sciences, see Exact science. "Extort" redirects here. For the album by KMFDM, see XTORT.

Extortion (also called shakedown, outwresting, and exaction) is a criminal offense of unlawfully obtaining money, property, or services from a person, entity, or institution, through coercion. Refraining from doing harm is sometimes euphemistically called protection. Extortion is commonly practiced by organized crime groups. The actual obtainment of money or property is not required to commit the offense. Making a threat of violence which refers to a requirement of a payment of money or property to halt future violence is sufficient to commit the offense. Exaction refers not only to extortion or the unlawful demanding and obtaining of something through force, [1] but additionally, in its formal definition, means the infliction of something such as pain and suffering or making somebody endure something unpleasant. [2]Extortion is distinguished from robbery. In robbery, whether armed or not, the offender takes property from the victim by the immediate use of force or fear that force will be immediately used (as in the classic move line, "Your money or your life." Extortion, which is not limited to the taking of property, involves the verbal or written instillation of fear that something will happen to the victim if he or she does not comply with the extortionist's will. Another key distinction is that extortion always involves a verbal or written threat, whereas robbery does not. In United States federal law, extortion can be committed with or without the use of force and with or without the use of a weapon.

In Blackmail, which always involves extortion, the extortionist threatens to reveal information about a victim or his family members that is potentially embarrassing, socially damaging, or incriminating unless a demand for money, property, or services is met.

The term extortion is often used euphemistically to refer to usury or to price-gouging, though neither is legally considered extortion. It is also often used loosely to refer to everyday situations where one person feels indebted against their will, to another, in order to receive an essential service or avoid legal consequences.

Neither extortion nor blackmail require a threat of a criminal act, such as violence, merely a threat used to elicit actions, money, or property from the object of the extortion. Such threats include the filing of reports (true or not) of criminal behavior to the police, revelation of damaging facts (such as pictures of the object of the extortion in a compromising position), etc.

He might change his tune when he finds out this could be criminal, on top of leaving him up for civil suits for pain and suffering.  Not saying you would ever see a dime but a financial obligation attaching to future assets can sure put a damper of someone's lifestyle.

What are your options?  You have more than he's making out here.

[letmeout]

Don't cave in whatever you do. Its a shame he found out where you are living at. I hid pretty good from my ex, and I found that no contact is the only way to get them out of your life.

He will move on to make someone else miserable once he sees that you are no longer available for him to manipulate.

[Forward2free]

BPD/Nxh tried something similar with me and wrote a text message on Christmas Day to every phone number I had called in 6 months - from my phone bill that he had possession of.

It included my boss, car park attendant, clients, prospects, family, friends, pastor, pizza guy, library etc.

He told them that I was having an affair (untrue) and that he wanted to save his marriage for the sake of his family and asked for their help to contact me etc. My colleagues, family and friends knew what was going on and I was saved from a lot of embarrassment. Not all of it though, it was humiliating returning to work after Christmas. 

He sent the message a further 2 times to the same group of people and I asked his family to stop him and no one could.

They weren't hollow threats, and I knew that. I also knew that while he had something over me I couldn't think straight. You're right that a restraining order will not stop him, BUT, there will be legal consequences if he goes through with it and that is where you will win. You can't undo the photos, and you can't control what he will do, but you CAN control your actions now.

Speak to the police, get the restraining order and speak with your friends and family about all of this and why you feel afraid now. A restraining order will also prevent him from being at your residence or meeting anywhere or being contacted. Can someone stay with you for a while?

You're on the right path. Stay firm in your boundaries, you know what you need.

[GreenMango]

You know I was giving this some thought.

What's the only leverage he has here?  Is it embarassment or shame?

What if you took that out of the equation yourself? How could you do that?


(attorneys, therapists and police are good allies as a resource still)

[ForeverDad]

And in addition to all the reasons above, if you let him in due to his pressuring you with blackmail, extortion, whatever... . what assurance do you have that he will actually leave when he says he will leave?

I'm concerned that once he has steamrollered your new boundary - living separate lives - then he will feel enabled and empowered to blackmail you again (and again) when you try to get him to leave.

So don't let him get his foot in the door or your life will be he! yet again.  Keep firm boundaries: It is Over.  He has been out of your life the last few months, he needs to STAY out of your life.

You mentioned you raged.  Although it is understandable under the circumstances, be very careful not to do or say anything that he could use against you such as claims of DV.  He is clearly manipulative and could be maneuvering you into feeling you're trapped also with added threats of making DV allegations against you.  (This way if you do have to resort to calling the police he will have no way to make valid allegations against you.  I recall that when I called the police on my then-spouse she thereafter made counter allegations trying to make me look worse than her.  She didn't succeed, the cases were eventually dismissed or close, but she sure tried.)

Hence forth do not meet with him in a private setting.  If you must meet, it has to be in a public place for your own protection.  If he comes to your door, don't open it.  Don't let him get a foot or even a toe into your door or your life.  You need to go NC ASAP.  I know you have a concern over photos, that's leverage he was sneaky enough to get in advance of a break-up.

If you can, protect yourself, get voice recordings of any future contact.  No don't stick your cell phone, camera or MP3 recorder in his face, that will enrage him, just do it without him knowing so that you are safe and later you can decide what to do with it in case he says anything threatening.  Obviously, don't say or do anything that might make you look bad or get you into trouble.

Due to the risk of DV it would be wise to consult with an attorney, either family law or one who handles DV cases, to determine what else you can do to protect yourself, reduce the risk of him sending photos and keep him out of your life with a minimum of fuss and chaos.

Even if it does not become a full-fledged DV case, you can probably still get some sort of stay-away or no-contact order, your police should be able to list your options.

[Sandy beaches]

And in addition to all the reasons above, if you let him in due to his pressuring you with blackmail, extortion, whatever... . what assurance do you have that he will actually leave when he says he will leave?

I'm concerned that once he has steamrollered your new boundary - living separate lives - then he will feel enabled and empowered to blackmail you again (and again) when you try to get him to leave.

So don't let him get his foot in the door or your life will be he! yet again.  Keep firm boundaries: It is Over.  He has been out of your life the last few months, he needs to STAY out of your life.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. It is my exact fear that since he has no respect for my boundaries that this pattern will never end. I feel like he already has a foot in the door and is making my life he!. He has keys... .

I feel that going to the authorities is the only way to enforce my boundaries, but I am struggling to find the strength to take that step. I'm so sick of this crap and feel so powerless. I want this phase of my life to be in the past.

[Sandy beaches]

BPD/Nxh tried something similar with me and wrote a text message on Christmas Day to every phone number I had called in 6 months - from my phone bill that he had possession of.

It included my boss, car park attendant, clients, prospects, family, friends, pastor, pizza guy, library etc.

He told them that I was having an affair (untrue) and that he wanted to save his marriage for the sake of his family and asked for their help to contact me etc. My colleagues, family and friends knew what was going on and I was saved from a lot of embarrassment. Not all of it though, it was humiliating returning to work after Christmas. 

He sent the message a further 2 times to the same group of people and I asked his family to stop him and no one could.

They weren't hollow threats, and I knew that. I also knew that while he had something over me I couldn't think straight. You're right that a restraining order will not stop him, BUT, there will be legal consequences if he goes through with it and that is where you will win. You can't undo the photos, and you can't control what he will do, but you CAN control your actions now.

Speak to the police, get the restraining order and speak with your friends and family about all of this and why you feel afraid now. A restraining order will also prevent him from being at your residence or meeting anywhere or being contacted. Can someone stay with you for a while?

You're on the right path. Stay firm in your boundaries, you know what you need.

Thanks for sharing your experience. It's really difficult to think straight, I'm unbelievably stressed right now and feel so powerless, I certainly can not think straight. He has no respect for my boundaries (and has a key). I don't have the strength just yet to get others involved. I guess I feel ashamed that I got stuck in this awful relationship and can't get out.  :'(

[ForeverDad]

If it is rented and he's not on the lease or if it is owned and he's not on the deed, then you have every right to change the locks.  That way he can't enter.  (Yes, you may have to work it out with the landlord, get a locksmith or do it yourself with a new lockset from a hardware store.  Don't get the cheapest ones, I've heard their inner parts are weak, ask the for the decent but inexpensive locks.)  Do it now, before he has a chance to come back, move in or whatever.

I didn't suggest asking for the key back because it would be a confrontation and for all you know he's already made backup copies.

Oh, I almost forgot.  Stop giving him keys.  Or you'll become a repeat customer at the hardware store.  It's hard but with practice - and time and distance - you can be stronger in the future.

[sanemom]

I agree with the previous posters... . it is all good advice.

This made me think of an article about how "revenge porn" may be illegal in some states (that is what it is called when you use pics of your ex).  Google that term and see if it applies in your state (I think it was in California).

Stay strong!  If you take the wind out of his sails, he won't have much power.

[momtara]

change your locks.

as someone said, there's no guarantee he'll leave when he says he will.  if he has the photos, he could still send them out as revenge in a year or two.

extortion is against the law.  you could talk to the cops and just see what they think.

[catnap]

Change your locks.  You can always say you lost the spare key if you have to go through your apartment management.

Your local domestic abuse center (Google your County, State Abuse Shelter or Council) might be a place to start getting some support, referral to proper agencies, and counseling on what to do in your local area. 

[livednlearned]

When my N/BPDx made threats, I did a preemptive strike. I contacted people in advance and told him what he was planning to do, and explained that he was ill, and to please not open any emails from him, or respond to him, or give him any indication they had received the email. It was also in my consent order that he was not to contact anyone in my family, so I put it in the context of N/BPDx being in contempt of court.

Your best strategy is to focus on the extortion: can you get him to put in writing what his "terms" are so you can use it as evidence? Also, you say you felt coerced -- is there anyone who knows that who can testify?

[GaGrl]

So... . priority #1 is keeping him OUT of the house/apartment so that you feel safe in your own space.

That means you have to change the locks.

Once you change the locks, you can really show that he does not live there, has no right to be there, and any attempt on his part to enter your apartment is illegal.

So Step 1:  Change the locks.

[eeyore]

you could also do a digital lock so that you push a code rather than have a key. 

[Cmjo]

Do you have copies of the pics? You could tell him that you wont give in to his threats and you have already shown them to your family... .

Who doesnt have some pics in the closet, all those who love you wont judge you, and if they are really supportive they would even destroynthem without loking!

Practice saying no, until you can say it to him with out a blink or a waiver.

[GreenMango]

Yep - change the locks.

[Forward2free]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It's really difficult to think straight, I'm unbelievably stressed right now and feel so powerless, I certainly can not think straight. He has no respect for my boundaries (and has a key). I don't have the strength just yet to get others involved. I guess I feel ashamed that I got stuck in this awful relationship and can't get out.  :'(

No time for feeling ashamed Sandy, you need to get active and block his attempts to get back into your life.

You're in the right place - we've all been stuck in a similar situation and know how hard it is to break away, more than once... .

Stick to the path, contact the police and DV centres for advice and change your locks.

[Waddams]

Yet another vote for changing the locks ASAP and don't let him have any others.

Also, whether you have evidence or not, file for the restraining order.  Having it in the official record can only help later even if it is denied now.

I know you're hurting and confused.  It feels hard to act.  That is a hallmark of recovering from abuse.  But to stop it, you have to hold your boundaries.  If he comes over again, tell him he can't move in and order him to leave your home.  If he refuses, call the cops, and have him arrested for trespassing. 

[Sandy beaches]

Thank you all so much for the advice and support. I am still trying to sort this all out and I know its going to be over soon. Just trying to stay strong at the moment and make the right decisions. It's really hard though.

[catnap]

Stay strong and focused on your goal!  These things are tough but the reward is having your life back.

Please remember, we are always here for you. 

[eeyore]

How have you been doing the last few days?