How do you guys cope when hearing how you were painted black?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just met up with a few buddies of mine from college we hung out had a few drinks and she got bought up. We all know each other due to mutual friends and whatnot and they were saying how she was painting me black all over at a party ridiculing me and our most intimate moments in front of fu*king strangers!

They said it in good "just warning you" type of way. I should of Said NO I DON'T CARE but curiosity killed the cat.

How the hell do I deal with just letting this go? I want to just be able to say ok it

Doesn't bother me she's crazy while part of me wants to run around town screaming how pathetic she is!  How do you guys cope with hearing how bad you're painted black?

[Iamdizzy]

Just met up with a few buddies of mine from college we hung out had a few drinks and she got bought up. We all know each other due to mutual friends and whatnot and they were saying how she was painting me black all over at a party ridiculing me and our most intimate moments in front of fu*king strangers!

They said it in good "just warning you" type of way. I should of Said NO I DON'T CARE but curiosity killed the cat.

How the hell do I deal with just letting this go? I want to just be able to say ok it

Doesn't bother me she's crazy while part of me wants to run around town screaming how pathetic she is!  How do you guys cope with hearing how bad you're painted black?

[Ironmanrises]

Iamdizzy,

I am sorry you are hearing stuff like that.

Your best bet is to tell mutual friends you don't wish to hear any further news.

After that, NC is only thing you can do.

I don't know anything of what my exUBPDgf is doing or not doing, saying about me or not saying about me.

Ignorance is bliss they say.

For me, it preserves my last bit of sanity.

[letmeout]

Ignorance is bliss they say.

I couldn't agree more with that quote! My ex still paints me black to anyone who will listen, and its been two years since NC. It use to drive me crazy.

If people who don't know better want to believe his crazy lies, let them. I don't need it to take up any space in my head and it is bliss :-)

[Mutt]

That's for her to own, not you. Disengage and go NC. Don't worry about what she says.

[Aussie0zborn]

Mine says I forced her to sign her house over to me.  Fact is she would have lost the house and been renting if I had not bought in. (He ex-husband got the lion's share of their properties as he put the cash in and she put nothing in). I matched her equity in the house with an equal amount of cash, we got a mortgage together and off we went. Ofcourse nobody wants to have anything to do with a man like that and I would say that when she says it she actually believes it.

What do I think of that? Nothing. Nothing at all. The only people who believe that are her sycophants and unsuspecting workmates. Luckily we have no mutual friends but the fact is that she had already made my name mud since the start of the relationship hence having no mutual friends.

I wouldn't worry about it.  You can't win right now. Over time people who matter will work it out for themselves.

[Moonie75]

Anyone who gets to know my ex will realise for themselves that she's the 'odd' one, not me. If they still believe what they've been told after getting to know her, they are an idiot.

Reputation trial by a 'jury of idiots' does not bother me in the slightest.

Reputation trial by jury of reasonable rational people who have formed healthy views of my ex, my reputation is quite safe! 

[lockedout]

My attitude is that people to whom she paints me black and if they buy into it are people I can do without anyway. Your buddies telling you about it over drink are probably well meaning and it could be something that bothered them. They just didn't say anything until the conversation shifted around to it. And maybe they don't want to see you end up going back to her.

I think there are a lot of things that will keep coming out about your ex. You just have to experience the emotions and make each day a new one.

[LoneWolf768]

IAmDizzy,  my ex BPD'er painted me blacker than black once upon a time and then according to friend, she just stopped. I don't know if being painted black is worse then being forgotten or not.

Part of me thinks I deserved to be painted black because of the harsh comments I said and wrote to her. Maybe in that instance, it wasn't her actually painting me black. I'm not sure. Some of what she told this friend was pretty damaging and painted me as an unstable male so maybe she was painting me black.

A friend (acquaintance may be a better name for this woman... . she was playing both sides of the fence) was telling me stuff like when she was on Facebook and what time and I said 'When you bring her up to me, you make it sound like you're going to say that she said something else about me or wants to know if we're still talking (my ex DID NOT want this friend and I talking... . and we don't anymore. Betrayal runs deep with me) and I politely told her what IronManFalls just said: please don't bring her up anymore. I think about her enough without you telling me her daily schedule.

People on my end of town knew the things she was saying really stung and made me question me as a human being and my own sanity but the advice friends gave me was this: "We know who you are and YOU should know who you are too. Whatever she's telling her friends is all one-sided anyway and if her friends know her like they should, they know she's not without blame but can't and won't admit it."

It was difficult at first but I slowly began to realize that I'm NOT what she says I am and I honestly feel sorry for her that she has to resort to a smear campaign. And I totally agree with you that you're okay with her being crazy. I'm certain you have a great group of friends who know you inside and out and I'm sure when she open her mouth, they're rolling their eyes. Personally, If I knew you and this woman was running her mouth to me or within an ear shot of me, I'd quietly tell her she needs to grow up and stop making herself look pathetic by continuing to keep the dance going with you. I mean, our ex's have hurt us enough. Why can't they just go about their lives and stop twisting the knife?  NC all the way, my man! You'll be fine, IAD!

[Learning_curve74]

To be blunt, most of the good mutual friends I have with BPDex realize she is kind of crazy.    The ones who will believe her BS will eventually come to the same realization because a house of cards will always collapse.

A very wise person once said, "I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet."

[LoneWolf768]

To be blunt, most of the good mutual friends I have with BPDex realize she is kind of crazy.    The ones who will believe her BS will eventually come to the same realization because a house of cards will always collapse.

A very wise person once said, "I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet."

Double high fives ^5's for this post, LC!

[Traumatized]

I am being painted black all over the place to anyone and everyone who will listen to her.  This happens behind my back, and when I used to be with her, right in front of my face.  It got to the point where she would introduce me to someone, and then tell them what a horrible, evil, backstabbing person I was.  I would just stand there in shock as the other person stared back at me having no idea what to say.  It was painfully awkward to say the least.

Now that I'm not there in person, she shows pictures of me while telling others how I took advantage of her financially and did all sorts of other atrocious things to her.  She wants to make sure the whole world knows what an awful person I am.

Of course that's not fair to me and the awareness that it's happening is upsetting.  I don't want to be pre-judged by someone before they get to know me.  However, I can't control what she says or does, I can only control what I say or do.  I choose not to sink down to her level and do the same things back to her.  I know she's a sick person and hopefully other people can see that too.  If not then so be it.

[LoneWolf768]

Reputation trial by a 'jury of idiots' does not bother me in the slightest.

Reputation trial by jury of reasonable rational people who have formed healthy views of my ex, my reputation is quite safe! 

AMEN!

[Ironmanrises]

My only concern was what my exUBPDgf told her 2 sons who i had finally got to meet in second round of relationship and started to bond with.

I know whatever was said was far from the truth.

And that does hurt me.

But nothing i can do about that.

My coping on that?

I just had to accept it.

Only choice at hand.

[bauers220]

This is a tough one because I actually read an email she wrote about me to another person.  It was back in September of last year - though I didn't see it until this June.  The things she said about me in that email hurt me so deeply - especially that she would LIE and make things up about me.  Telling this person that I threw all my clothes away and went shopping for all new clothes so I could dress just like her!  That was beyond hurtful.  First of all I could have never afforded that - new clothes for me are usually passed on from someone else... .secondly - she and I could not be further apart in our style when it comes to day to day - but both being women - wearing a T-shirt and jeans is not unheard of and hardly is a cause to be accused of mirroring.  I was stunned.  She even tried to accuse me of wearing my hair like hers - again - different styles - different colors - but short - yes.  It was weird and yes hurtful.  We actually have some similar features and are both singers with the same obsession with music and lyrics - that was genuine stuff... .

Its all hurtful and I can only imagine how she is painting me now.  I am sure I am painted as needy and clingy since I was hurt she would not speak to me for 4 days... .god forbid she is there for me when I need a friend... .But I best have been there for her when she needed... .one sided... .distorted... .and yes I am angry.

[willbegood]

When speaking to one of our mutual friends one day I mentioned how nobody else really sees how she is because I hides it so well in public. She looked at me like I was nuts! Apparently it's more obvious than I realized.

No doubt she's painting me black to her family and anyone else that is willing to go along with it. Can't say I care either way. I know the truth and that's all that matters. Even if she was painting me white, it doesn't matter. It's just more of the same black/white with no grey.

[Findingmysong723]

I've been thinking about what my Ex might be telling people or did tell people about me. In reality my Ex didn't have that many friends that he hung out with, but there was a couple that we would hang out with and I liked them. I actually thought my Ex was in a much better place (he is a recovering alcoholic) because he was friends with this couple because they were nice and healthy people. I thought his choice with these friends showed he could make good choices. The woman in the couple wanted to hang out together, never happened but it would of been nice to hang out without my Ex. I always wonder if she would of opened up about his issues or I could of mentioned my issues.

I would never get in touch with any of his friends but if I saw this couple out , I would probably say "hi" to both of them.

I think she knew me well enough not to think I was this awful person, I know she liked me. I also know she knew him for years and knows of his past, as in his relapse (binge drinking/taking medication) and being found in his apartment and sent to the hospital. I remember him telling me she was worried about us getting back together, but I think she was worried because he has trouble controlling his emotions. I feel that the end of our relationship is another addition to his broken relationships and troubled past with drinking and drug abuse. I think his family and friends know that he has issues and might of hoped that they would get better, but probably aren't surprised when his next relationship has issues or fails.

[triangleheart]

I dated my BPDXBF over two decades ago and then got back together with him after my divorce. Through his friends and family, I learned that he had painted me black 20 plus years ago and shared intimate things about me with them. I also learned that he had done that to all GFs since then. And the things he told his friends and family were just cruel--about all his exGFs' sexual failings, as he saw them. It seems no woman was good enough for him so he had to discuss their intimate failings with everyone he knew after he dumped them.

When I think about this now, I can't believe I was with someone so unbelievably cruel.

How does it make me feel to know that he painted me black in this way? Unbelievably shamed. But also not, because any decent human being would not respect him based on the cruel things he says.