anyone have success getting their BPD wife to end her affair?

[1Cor13,7]

I could use some advice. My wife has been in an affair for 10 months with someone who lives a few hours away. Although they haven't been physical often because of the distance, there has been emotional involvement. She has deceived me 5 times about ending it, but each time the relationship does taper off to less contact (from visits and frequent phone and constant texts to eventually just limited texts). She is in marriage counseling with me and working on our relationship, but this affair is obviously a distraction. I don't know how to get her to truly end it without causing more damage by taking control and contacting the other guy's wife.  I am getting to the point of not caring if my wife flips out if I contact her bf's wife. But, there is also a lot at stake her which could be salvaged, if I can convince her to end things - even for her own best interests.

Has anyone successfully interacted with their BPD wife to end an affair?

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[Vindi]

she probably thinks you are "accepting" the affair, if she hasn't ended it now, who knows if she ever will... . and yes, she may be in

marriage counseling, but the affair should have stopped... . doing both marriage counseling and having an affair, will just keep going in circular chaos.

Only she will be able to end the affair once she is ready, and yes, you can call the other guys wife, you can do alot of things, but I truly think SHE should be the one to end it, heck she is married to you! Set some firmer boundaries and stick with them!

[1Cor13,7]

Thanks for the reply. I have asked for her to end it and she took the relationship more underground each time... . but also reduced the involvement (from in-person to phone to limited texting). In context of the BPD, I didn't want to come across as controlling, but also am on the fine line of not giving boundries. It would be easier to walk out, but we have two kids and I look at the BPD like a physical illness. I wouldn't walk out on her if she had cancer. In fact, she did have cancer last year and lost a parent. I believe these events triggered a need to escape pain (escape into the affair).

[hurtbyboderline]

No, after almost 5 years of being together I caught her over at her ex's house last July 27th... . The first time I caught her at his house was on June 6th. 2009. (plus a couple of times in between). So 4 years, 1 month & 21 days later she's still doing it. When she sneaks over there she only stays a few minutes (10 maybe 15). Therapy? After a year of therapy (that I paid for at $165 for 1 1/2 hours) I caught her talking to him while I was in for my 1/2 hour private part of the session. I ended the therapy after that... . I think she's also seeing other guys too. Unless your watching her like a hawk you'll never know. And yes If you call her on it she'll just be sneakier. Don't mean to be so negative but with mine that's the way it is... .   zzz

[A Dad]

Hi 1Cor13,7,

So sorry you are having to deal with this.

I understand the wish to stay together because of your love and the kids. I am in a similar position.

My wife stopped her affair as soon as I found out and confronted her. It was a coworker so she can still sees him and talks with him but only at the workplace, and I am quite certain they are not continuing any involvement.

I have no tips on how you can get your wife to do the same. In my case, she was already trying to break off. Although I think she would not have been successful if I hadn't found out. There would always be something happening that will stress her out and push her to seek relief elsewhere.

Stopping the affair was just the first step. Without that, I would have broken up the relationship immediately. But even after that, 7 months later, we are at a stage where the wife wants to split up. Whether it is from guilt, shame, possibility of resuming a legitimate relationship with the affair partner, or some other reason, I don't know.

To be honest, the affair I could have gotten over. But her emotional attachment to the other guy and her devaluation of me as a husband, lover and a father has caused much more damage.

When it all started, I was sure that as long as there is some love left between us, we must stay together, even if only for the children. But now I am no longer sure. Maybe my kids will be better off if they are less involved with her (she is willing to let me have the primary custody), and maybe I will be better off without her too even if that takes a while. Now I am just letting the events run their course and see what happens. In the meantime, I am looking after myself physically and emotionally so I will be ready for whatever comes to next.

I hope things turn out ok for you and your family. I am here if you ever feel like talking.

[slimmiller]

I dont think that theres a real good solution to it other then her just end it. If she is not ending it she is only prolonging the problem.

As for contacting the other guys wife, that would be up to you but I m willing to bet she will only somehow take it out on you. Meaning she will disregulate and be angry at you for taking it away from her. She may not say that but instead rage at you for something else.

In my case she promised many times to stop and 'fix' herself. Several days later the texts start and then the whole dance started all over again. She would say Im going there to end it then be gone for a whole day and come back home all devious and angry at me. She got her fix again and instead of taking responsibility she got defensive.

I dont think the affair is the problems so much as it is her mindset. If she would end it and seek to move on, she would need to do it because she WANTS to not because you force her. Plus if she has not stopped in 10 month, the chance of her doing so now is much slimmer. She has been able to continue it this long and be defiant in the marriage and in her mind now, she can because she has trampled all over the boundaries of the marriage.  If she stops it will she be able to not do it again with another one is the other question too.

Mine stopped with the one only to start another one with another guy. Its like a druggie getting a fix. One does not give her the excitement anymore so she goes to the next one. At least mine did that.

We are now divorced and trying to co-parent

You have to look out for you. They (BPDs) wont do that for us, we have to

[1Cor13,7]

Wow! 3 powerful posts about BPD's stuck in affairs - and not great outcomes. Sounds like my best bet is to hope somehow that she will see it in her best interest to end it on her own terms.  I think it is past the excitement phase and now into just something she can control.  We have a marriage therapy session later today, I plan on asking her there if it is still going on (she has been honest about it, but we have agreed to limit our discussions on the subject to the therapy session).  Will keep you posted. Thanks.

[A Dad]

Good luck, mate.

I have one in 2 weeks. Maybe my wife will reverse her position on splitting. As I said, I am resigned to it going either way since I am not even sure what the best outcome is anymore.

[1Cor13,7]

My wife is so highly functional at times, even at home too - it comes and goes. Any rage she exhibits is few and far between. She did rage at me when I threatened to call the guy's wife back in February, but that was the first time in years. Mostly her BPD shows up in withdrawal, lack of involvement in the home. We still have a limited sex life, some meals with the kids with interaction, some discussion together... . enough good stuff where I think we can build (if the affair/distraction can end). My biggest reason for hope in years is discovering that she has 7 of 9 symptoms of BPD diagnosis. I had never heard of BPD before a month ago. I can now look back and see some of the stuff I was doing to trigger her. I don't think my actions or behaviors would have been perceived as controlling or a problem with a non-BPD, but now I can do my 50% to improve the relationship. That might be enough to keep her from escaping into more affairs.  It still sucks though.  When I think (as objectively as I can) of the type of husband I try to be, I imagine that some ex-wife of a BPDh would adore me.  What the heck

[briefcase]

This topic has received a few replies that encouraged the host to end his relationship.  As a reminder, the Staying Board guidelines prohibit these types of responses on this Board:


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[Grey Kitty]

I'd recommend you start on basics--notice if you say invalidating things, and stop that. Then work on being more validating. It will help your r/s, whether the affair ends or not.

The one thing you cannot do is control her and force her to end an affair. Knowing that is tough... . but thinking you could if you were somehow doing something better is even tougher!

My circumstances were different... . but I do recall my earlier circumstances where my wife was completely infatuated with another man. I knew that he was the sort of person who would have just evaporated from her life if I asked him to. But I also knew that if I took that route, A) my wife would resent it horribly... . and B) I still wouldn't get what I wanted anyhow: I wanted her to choose me, rather than lose the option of choosing somebody else!

In my case it has been a long and convoluted path, but my wife is now better (not showing BPD symptoms) and that r/s has backed off to good but distant friends, actually more like an ex-lover.

I wish you the best in this... . I know how tough it can be.

[Hydroman]

Wow-this is rough!  My wife met an 18 yr old boy during one of her hospitalizations.  When he got out, he met up with a 40 yr old woman who was also in the hospital for lunch and ended up haveing sex.  Now he was interested in my wife.  Phone calls, facebooking.  One morning, I found her facebook page open and saw the conversation-totally inappropriate for a married woman to be having with a man outside of marriage.  I confronted her and of course she denied any interest, they were "just talking".  I checked her facebook again a few weeks later and saw a lot more.   She went and had coffee with him.  then I saw he wanted her to come to his apartment.  I brought up at marriage counseling-of course she denied.  We negotiated that she call it quits for 6 months (never happened).   I insisted, said our relationship was not on strong ground and I was therefore insecure and begged her to end or it would end our marriage.  So far, this has worked (or she is hiding things well).  When she thought I was too friendly with a co-worker, I immediatedly took action and ended any communication with that person out of respect to my wife-I valued our marriage.  This same consideration was not given to me.   

I would like to say its the BPD and it is to some extent but even people with BPD conscientously make decisions.

Communication I think is the best course of action.  Be upfront, tell her your feelings, this is unacceptable to you, you love her and want her and your marriage.   This affair was a terrible wedge but not insurmountable.  You need her to end it and be willing to talk openly and honestly about it and work on your marriage.   

Its a make it or break it approach.  I am so sorry to hear this, especially with children involved.   Best of luck!

[1Cor13,7]

Hydro, Grey:

Thanks for your posts. Marriage counseling today... .I hope to have an opportunity to bring up the affair and have a clear understanding if it is over or emotionally lingering.

Thanks

[ucmeicu2]

Hydro, Grey:

Thanks for your posts. Marriage counseling today... .I hope to have an opportunity to bring up the affair and have a clear understanding if it is over or emotionally lingering.Thanks

when you say "emotionally lingering" do you mean if they are having a non-physical emotional affair type contact?  or do you mean you want to know if she still has feelings for him/thoughts about him? 

icu2

[1Cor13,7]

The affair is in a post-affair, no-contact phase for the past 2 months. There was one email from the affair partner in that time, which was voluntarily disclosed by my wife. I was unsure if there was any more contact, but am assured that it is over. It feels like it is... .my intuitions are usually correct. I know that there is some lingering feelings and regrets - she admitted that. I hope that emotional lingering tapers off soon, because it is hindering her being receptive to my efforts and bringing us back together.

[waverider]

Affairs are like a drug addictions. Demands and negotiations achieve nothing as  those involved develop twisted reasoning and loss of empathy to justify it. The longer it continues and the more barriers they cross and survive the more "normal" and sustainable it becomes. Even when ended the taboo of doing it again has been reduced, so relapse is highly likely.

So how to stop this behavior?

Much the same as any addiction, the person needs to hit their own rock bottom and the desire to change, rather than to get out of trouble or get over a boundary, has to come from within.

As Briefcase has pointed out this is the staying board so advising to run and let it go is not what is being advised, but your boundaries have to be firm enough that your wife is made aware, possibly by demonstration that it is a possible end result. But to effectively demonstrate this you need to know deep within yourself what is important to you. You have to choose what is important to you and it is ultimately upto your wife to decide what is important to her. Her problem is she is living in a world of indulgent denial believing in the ability to continue this juggling act.

Clearly pulling away from the RS and looking after yourself is not a precursor to walking away it is clearing the smoke so that your partner's choices become black and white. Either outcome you need to be capable of living with, as the current one will rot your sense of self from the inside.

You cannot control your wife, only she can do that. She struggles with that simply because regulating her emotions is a fundamental issue of BPD. You just have to make the options as clear and simple as possible, they are very good at over confusing their lives, and that of those around them, resulting in destructive actions for all

Going via her BFs wife is  a risky move, as you may well create crisis which could go either way, but the responsibility and control will not be in your wife's hands and she may well go into victim role and you the persecutor, and hence not resolving the underlying emotions that are driving this behavior.

[1Cor13,7]

Thanks, Waverider. I had already decided that contacting the BF's wife was an action to take when I really no longer give a crap about the outcome. Being honest with myself, I am along way from that. My wife is highly functional... .the last time she escaped into an affair was almost 7 years ago. She was faithful until her cancer and parent's terminal illness overwhelmed her... .then I think she just needed to escape and feel that she could control something in her life. Perhaps the loss of her parent and close call with death has been enough of a 'rock-bottom' for her, and infidelity is now behind us. Just praying and hoping and trying the good advice here, now that I know about BPD, I can avoid being part of the problem.

[waverider]

now that I know about BPD, I can avoid being part of the problem.

This is more insightful than you probably realise.

You can reduce your part in it, and you can also reduce its impact on you.

These are aspects you have total control of and you can do that now without reliance on anyone else. The consequences of that has a flow on effect.

Its still not easy, but it is a sense of purpose.

[1Cor13,7]

True. I can change me, and I want to ... .after all, who of us does not need continual self-improvement. I think it is important to realize that the BPD sufferers are not always wrong in their opinions or decisions. They are not stupid... .at least mine isn't. Sometimes she gives good wifely advice, but as a husband, I am not always smart enough to take it. I think it could be a pitfall for me to assume that because she has a problem, the fault it always hers and I need to rise above it. That attitude is something to rise above, for sure.

[waverider]

I think you have some good insights into some of the core thinking and attitude required to get you through all this.

I found a great sense of reward with the improvements in me as a person that have been the consequence of dealing with this. I am better and stronger now than I ever have been, or would have been otherwise

[Wishful thinking]

waverider

Can someone with BPD really hit rock bottom when they find themselves stuck in their destructive behaviours. If so, how do I truly know theres a change that wont just last a month or two or three.

[waverider]

waverider

Can someone with BPD really hit rock bottom when they find themselves stuck in their destructive behaviours. If so, how do I truly know theres a change that wont just last a month or two or three.

They can, it often ends in some sort of physical self harming, but it usually needs the means to project their issues onto those around them to be removed. So they are forced to face their own demons. Our part is learning to avoid being drawn into conflict .

Unfortunately even if they do come to face what their issues are and  they do have the desire to work on it, it is a long haul. Some may become symptom free, others simply a more manageable, even if dysfunctional, life. Others simply will not get out of this mode despite good intentions. Many will go through their life in total denial of having issues

Will they lapse? Probably many times before they reach any stability or ongoing managed state,