I broke NC.. Wrote this email

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Up till now any contact has been me being the puppy dog... . To a degree at least... . Today I emailed this:

I'm sorry your mom treated you the way she did growing up. I'm sorry she didn't love you like she should have. I gave you all the love a man could. You saw my innocent actions as something bad. I realize looking back just how crappy you treated me. You were rude, disrespectful, childish, selfish, manipulative... . I don't even know if you're aware that you were because you learned those behaviors from you mom as a child. The guilt she I stilled in you for so much... . You pushed me over 5 months to snapping back as an interrogator does a prisoner... I finally broke. If it weren't for me knowing you 14 years and my dad passing, I'd have walked away at the first few red flags you gave me. But I stayed and allowed my self to be abused emotionally regularly by you without you even seeing it. I know your heart is good, therefore I believe you are unaware of just how bad you were to me. You caused the fights... . I found a letter where I wrote you telling you how scared I was to just talk sometimes... . You did that, not me. I'm sorry I stayed so long. Please look back and try to reflect. No one deserves to be treated the way you treated me. Fix yourself before you find someone else. Your negative beliefs about me are just not true. And you're responsible for so so so much more than you think. Most of it really, I loved you like no other... . And you walked all over me and I'm sorry I let you do that.

I'm seeing someone, so I won't be trying to contact you anymore. If you need help, I will help you still. But that's about it.

Please reflect and grow... . You have such potential to be an amazing partner. I believe in you still after everything.

Best,

(My name)


So not sure... . I really hope she reads it. But maybe not. Any thoughts?

[Relentless]

Up till now any contact has been me being the puppy dog... . To a degree at least... . Today I emailed this:

I'm sorry your mom treated you the way she did growing up. I'm sorry she didn't love you like she should have. I gave you all the love a man could. You saw my innocent actions as something bad. I realize looking back just how crappy you treated me. You were rude, disrespectful, childish, selfish, manipulative... . I don't even know if you're aware that you were because you learned those behaviors from you mom as a child. The guilt she I stilled in you for so much... . You pushed me over 5 months to snapping back as an interrogator does a prisoner... I finally broke. If it weren't for me knowing you 14 years and my dad passing, I'd have walked away at the first few red flags you gave me. But I stayed and allowed my self to be abused emotionally regularly by you without you even seeing it. I know your heart is good, therefore I believe you are unaware of just how bad you were to me. You caused the fights... . I found a letter where I wrote you telling you how scared I was to just talk sometimes... . You did that, not me. I'm sorry I stayed so long. Please look back and try to reflect. No one deserves to be treated the way you treated me. Fix yourself before you find someone else. Your negative beliefs about me are just not true. And you're responsible for so so so much more than you think. Most of it really, I loved you like no other... . And you walked all over me and I'm sorry I let you do that.

I'm seeing someone, so I won't be trying to contact you anymore. If you need help, I will help you still. But that's about it.

Please reflect and grow... . You have such potential to be an amazing partner. I believe in you still after everything.

Best,

(My name)


So not sure... . I really hope she reads it. But maybe not. Any thoughts?

[Relentless]

I texted her to say:

Sent you one last email. I hope you'll read it and take it to heart. I won't be contacting you anymore.

[seeking balance]

what is your goal from the email?

[Relentless]

Idk... . But I got a call from the police... . Unbelievable.

[peas]

Oh man. I'm sorry to see your ex couldn't just accept the last e-mail and move on. Calling the cops is so juvenile and paranoid. 

That also worries me. When my ex and I broke up the final time he threatened to call the cops on me, which is beyond ludicrous. Somehow when we stand up for ourselves to pwBPD, it warrants calling the cops. When we speak truth to them, they run to law enforcement. Give me a break.

I have been doing NC for six weeks with my ex but my e-mail got hacked recently and a phishing scam was sent to all my contacts. Now I hope he doesn't call the police on me for thinking I am trying to contact him. I also don't want him to think I want to contact him because I don't. When he and I would break up in the past, he blocked me every which way, so I'm hoping with the last bad b/u he blocked me on e-mail and it's still blocked and he didn't receive the hack phishing.

[Relentless]

I'm absolutely shocked right now... .

[seeking balance]

Idk... . But I got a call from the police... . Unbelievable.

So, you sent an email to someone without knowing why or for what purpose?

The police said what exactly?

[delgato]

Idk... . But I got a call from the police... . Unbelievable.

Perhaps a silly question, but... .

How do you know for sure that it was truly the police?

[suffering_parent]

I have sent similar things at times.   The problem is they can't see they are the problem.   You will just get more blame.   I think it just adds fuel to the fire.

[eyvindr]

I'm sorry to hear it, Relentless.

These things -- we seek closure, because it's a normal thing to want. We forget, though, that their brains don't work like ours do. Which is why we are so often stunned and gutted by the responses we get from them.

I'm sorry she called the police. Sending someone one email is hardly a criminal act.

[peas]

I'm absolutely shocked right now... .

I have come to assume that the only shocking thing a pwBPD could do is act "normal." I am not shocked she overreacted. I would be shocked if she was accountable or courteous. That's a hard attitude to maintain because it goes against most people's nature.

[Gaslit]

Well, I think you know what you must do now: Do NOT send any more emails, or communicate in anyway!

I'm guessing she actually still does expect you to email her, even after the police nonsense. Scratch that, because of the police nonsense.

Do yourself a favor, surprise her. Do Not email her.

Take care of yourself now. Be smart.

[GreenMango]

Relentless did you send this out of blue?  Was she trying to communicate with you and this was your response?

[dagwood]

Up till now any contact has been me being the puppy dog... . To a degree at least... . Today I emailed this:

I'm sorry your mom treated you the way she did growing up. I'm sorry she didn't love you like she should have. I gave you all the love a man could. You saw my innocent actions as something bad. I realize looking back just how crappy you treated me. You were rude, disrespectful, childish, selfish, manipulative... . I don't even know if you're aware that you were because you learned those behaviors from you mom as a child. The guilt she I stilled in you for so much... . You pushed me over 5 months to snapping back as an interrogator does a prisoner... I finally broke. If it weren't for me knowing you 14 years and my dad passing, I'd have walked away at the first few red flags you gave me. But I stayed and allowed my self to be abused emotionally regularly by you without you even seeing it. I know your heart is good, therefore I believe you are unaware of just how bad you were to me. You caused the fights... . I found a letter where I wrote you telling you how scared I was to just talk sometimes... . You did that, not me. I'm sorry I stayed so long. Please look back and try to reflect. No one deserves to be treated the way you treated me. Fix yourself before you find someone else. Your negative beliefs about me are just not true. And you're responsible for so so so much more than you think. Most of it really, I loved you like no other... . And you walked all over me and I'm sorry I let you do that.

I'm seeing someone, so I won't be trying to contact you anymore. If you need help, I will help you still. But that's about it.

Please reflect and grow... . You have such potential to be an amazing partner. I believe in you still after everything.

Best,

(My name)


So not sure... . I really hope she reads it. But maybe not. Any thoughts?

when you said you were "seeing someone", did you mean dating?... . because that could be what set her off into a rage that resulted in calling the police

[Ironmanrises]

Relentless,

I am so sorry you had to experience further pain and trouble by her getting the police involved.

The only thing you can do is stay NC.

Close all portals to her.

Otherwise more pain and worse things await.

We are here for you.

[Learning_curve74]

Idk... . But I got a call from the police... . Unbelievable.

I feel for you Relentless, her getting the police involved is definitely uncalled for. However, I am not surprised she called the police. To your BPDex, all she can see from the letter is that you're attacking her, none of the positive things you said matter because she only see things in black and white.

Relentless, I totally understand where you're coming from in your letter. She meant so much to you at one time but treated you badly, and you want her to see her role in the dysfunctional relationship, how she behaved poorly, and for her to acknowledge she acted badly and then as a result choose to seek help to heal herself. A lot of people want this for their BPDexes, I know because I'm one of them! So it's not just you. The problem is she cannot accept the blame and the resultant shame that arises from that.

Somebody wrote, and it might've even been a pwBPD that wrote this, that a pwBPD is like one big nerve ending. We nons often see them as cold and calculating, but the behavior that we experience are maladaptive coping strategies to deal with the highly charged emotions they feel. So in a situation where a non like you or me might feel discomfort or mildly upset, a pwBPD might have a very heightened fight or flight reflex pumping through their system, and then they have an extreme reaction beyond what most people think the situation would call for. Like calling the police on somebody who sends them an unpleasant email.

I believe writing a letter like this is more for us than for them (the BPDex). We get out our feelings, we express part of our interior monologue, just getting it out into something visible like a written letter is different than the thoughts merely bouncing around in our heads. I've seen other people write on the forums that they write these letters to their BPDexes but never send them, that it helps/helped in their own healing.

Relentless, you didn't do anything wrong. Hope you are doing okay.

[peas]

a pwBPD is like one big nerve ending

That is a fantastic way to put it and it explains a lot of their actions. Their hypersensitivity creates so many problems.

[Relentless]

seeking, I was finally taking a stand and sending an honest but loving email... . I wanted what Learning curve described. I was in the midst of it happening and literally talked to the police like 2 minutes before responding.

It was not out of the blue, I hadn't contacted her for two weeks, then over the weekend sent a nice text hoping she was ok.

Today I sent that and the text saying I was done. But I meant everything as best I could.

It was the police because I called back. And the number was the police. It's legit.

I'm in shock even though I shouldn't be. I guess I'll probably never hear from them again... . Friends 13.5 years then dated 6 months. Crazy... . Just crazy. I texted her dad to tell him I didn't belittle her... . He texted back STOP CONTACTING US.

I'm heartbroken on so many levels right now... .

Thanks everyone.

[seeking balance]

Relentless - I am sorry you are so hurt.

I know it is not fair, but that family does not seem to want contact of any sort.  Please take the police warning and stay away for your own good.

Do you have some friends you can hang out with or something planned that you can do to take your mind off this?

[Relentless]

I keep checking here. Reading. I'm absolutely devastated. I truly don't get how she made me promise to never go away countless times, and I believed it all... . All the times she said she would get better. It's like she can't see with normal vision. I'm at a loss for words.

I wish I never would have done a urging intimate with her. I keep thinking of all the good I did to her and for her... . How much time and love I gave... . For it to get to this... .

Will she ever realize what she had? I never gave so much to a woman... . Knew her 13.5 years... . Had a magical night and fell in love. ACTUALLY believed it was some Nicholas Sparks "Notebook" stuff goin on.

Ugh... . I would not take her back... . But I still wish she would come back one day... . For anything.

[seeking balance]

I know it is hard - especially since you were friends for so long.

what exactly did the police say to you?  Did they file a restraining order?

[Relentless]

No, the guy was real cool. I told him a bit of the story, lucky for me, unlucky for him, he knew about BPD... . Said "oh oh yaa" when I asked if he was familiar with it. Followed by "got it in the family, deal with it all the time"

We talked for a bit, he said for me not to contact her and it would be all good. He seemed really understanding. He said she might snap out if her crazy delusion one day, but that I shouldn't contact her. If she contacts me first then it's cool.

Idk if that will happen though. She moved away for 4 months. She will be back around Xmas time. It's all so effed up.

[Gaslit]

This is one of the most profound things I have read on here and explains so much if you really look at it this way.

Somebody wrote, and it might've even been a pwBPD that wrote this, that a pwBPD is like one big nerve ending. We nons often see them as cold and calculating, but the behavior that we experience are maladaptive coping strategies to deal with the highly charged emotions they feel. So in a situation where a non like you or me might feel discomfort or mildly upset, a pwBPD might have a very heightened fight or flight reflex pumping through their system, and then they have an extreme reaction beyond what most people think the situation would call for.

[seeking balance]

No, the guy was real cool. I told him a bit of the story, lucky for me, unlucky for him, he knew about BPD... . Said "oh oh yaa" when I asked if he was familiar with it. Followed by "got it in the family, deal with it all the time"

We talked for a bit, he said for me not to contact her and it would be all good. He seemed really understanding. He said she might snap out if her crazy delusion one day, but that I shouldn't contact her. If she contacts me first then it's cool.

Idk if that will happen though. She moved away for 4 months. She will be back around Xmas time. It's all so effed up.

glad he was cool - it worked out well for you then.

[ScotisGone74]

Man to man I feel for you.  Its horrible I know.  What you need to do now is go somewhere and talk to some trusted friends or family that you haven't had time for lately because you've been embroiled in this drama.  It will feel good to talk to others and also check up on old buddies.  At some point you are going to have to sit down and make a plan for what you want to do with yourself from this point forward, the current path isn't going to cut it.

Posting and reading here will help as well.

[LetItBe]

Ouch.  I know that has to be hard, Relentless. 

This is hauntingly familiar:

Somebody wrote, and it might've even been a pwBPD that wrote this, that a pwBPD is like one big nerve ending. We nons often see them as cold and calculating, but the behavior that we experience are maladaptive coping strategies to deal with the highly charged emotions they feel. So in a situation where a non like you or me might feel discomfort or mildly upset, a pwBPD might have a very heightened fight or flight reflex pumping through their system, and then they have an extreme reaction beyond what most people think the situation would call for.

My ex once said when he was dysregulated, "I've got a raw nerve!"  He was all fired up about something between us that would be a non-issue for most people after one of his therapy sessions.  I became cautious of being around him after his therapy sessions after that episode.

[Relentless]

Thanks everyone. I'm just in awe of it. The only two things I sent were what I posted here... . No adjustments... . Copied and pasted. The stuff I said about her mom is stuff she told me and from what I remember knowing her way back when.

It's hard to think of all the good times and the intimacy we shared leading to this... . I'm just hurt and numb right now. Idk what to think or do.

I still hope she realizes things... . I mean I didn't do anything really... . Did I? Maybe I wasn't this grand Bf that I think I was.

[recoil]

You may want her to do something she isn't capable of doing (realizing her part of the issues; realizing how hard you tried, realizing what's being throw away [relationship/love]).

It's not you.  It's her issue.

It doesn't matter how good or bad of a BF you were, it's her issue.

Don't feel bad about writing the letter.  From time to time, I've wanted to do the same.  Many of us "want to be heard" (look for the article on what keeps people stuck on this site).  There is a self-serving goal to writing it though.  We, as the "non", are attempting to get them to "see the light" and change, so "we" can get back to the idealization phase.  To me, this is false hope, the #1 reason people attempt to salvage these relationships and recycle.

When false hope dies, true healing begins.  It takes a lot of time and effort to get to this point - at least it did for me.

[Relentless]

Thanks Recoil and everyone else... . Anyone have people try to come back after some time? I guess she was just mirroring me, but it felt so real. Her parents said she never talked about a guy like she did me. Idk. What a mind game. I don't get how she can just stay like this forever a d not miss me eventually... . But hey, now maybe... . Idk.

I don't want her back. I could never trust her again. I hate that I gave so much only to end up here... . I am ashamed I ever did anything intimate with her... . She wanted to wait, so we didn't have sex, but other stuff that I didn't do with very many people or much at all. I never had so much passion to kiss someone.

I can't get those thoughts out if my head. I don't get how she can just walk away and be a complete jerk to me after I was there for her for 14 years, and for the last 6 I did everything for her... . Did she lie? She said she needed me so much. I didn't do a thing to earn this treatment. And I know this, but I FEEL like a complete failure. I felt like I was the best bf ever (and it was specific to how she made me feel, I never was that good for another). And yet I ensured her abuse which she is blind to.

I thought my email overall was pretty nice and caring... . With the hard truth built into it.

Thanks everyone who took the time to read this all... . Anyone have crazy stuff like this happen then still get contacted down the road? I'm more curious than anything.

[bruceli]

Thanks Recoil and everyone else... . Anyone have people try to come back after some time? I guess she was just mirroring me, but it felt so real. Her parents said she never talked about a guy like she did me. Idk. What a mind game. I don't get how she can just stay like this forever a d not miss me eventually... . But hey, now maybe... . Idk.

I don't want her back. I could never trust her again. I hate that I gave so much only to end up here... . I am ashamed I ever did anything intimate with her... . She wanted to wait, so we didn't have sex, but other stuff that I didn't do with very many people or much at all. I never had so much passion to kiss someone.

I can't get those thoughts out if my head. I don't get how she can just walk away and be a complete jerk to me after I was there for her for 14 years, and for the last 6 I did everything for her... . Did she lie? She said she needed me so much. I didn't do a thing to earn this treatment. And I know this, but I FEEL like a complete failure. I felt like I was the best bf ever (and it was specific to how she made me feel, I never was that good for another). And yet I ensured her abuse which she is blind to.

I thought my email overall was pretty nice and caring... . With the hard truth built into it.

Thanks everyone who took the time to read this all... . Anyone have crazy stuff like this happen then still get contacted down the road? I'm more curious than anything.

Because she was never really, truly there... .