How much do you see yourself being lucky in love ...

[catsprt]

I know this is a another layer that needs to go ... . it feels like a big one, though.

We were playing boardgames the other day and I was having the worst kind of luck. An old saying came back to me "unlucky in the game, lucky in love". If there is any kind of truth in the saying, I should be fabulously lucky in love... . Well no, I have not been so far (I have diligently been unlucky in the game and never considered anything in return until now) and I do not see how that could be ... . I have realized that the idea of being truly happy in love scares the hell out of me (I do not really like that expression but I cannot find one more appropriate). Am I BPD? Is this one more deep scar? I can probably add "truly successful" to the mix, "accidentally successful" would be OK though. There is no doubt that the messaging in my youth and in a lt relationship have been damaging.  :'(

[catsprt]

In my case this has a lot to do with a specific incident and I will give myself enough time to recover.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi catsprt

Great topic, thanks and sorry to hear that you too have been so unlucky in love.

Me? Yep, the same.

First relationship started at nearly 18, looking back, he was likely Borderline too. We spent 10 years off and on, with two children to show for it. Our last reconciliation ended in counselling, whereby he ignored all the recommendations in place, continued to smoke pot, and I left.

I had a one night stand, and he found out, and tried to murder me in front of our children twice, (both under 5 at that time) because I would not tell him who with.

Yet the man had cheated on me 8 times over the 10 years together!

After I had escaped and left that last time, with my life intact, he spent the next ten years or more, punishing me forever because I left him!

Once, he even admitted this by writing me a letter! but later denied knowing about the letter!

Any time I tried to get into other relationships, he made my life as a parent utter hell, and tried to fight me in court with a ten year smear campaign. He finally lost out, when the Family Court judge told him it was none of his business what I did in my private life, and that had no reflection on my ability as a parent.

Especially so when he was flying in the face of his own obligations as a parent.

That was the last of the court related smear campaign, but his cruelty to me has never stopped, still today he is occasionally nasty and dismissive of me as a person in front of others.

The other men I picked as partners, were the same wolves in sheep's clothing, I got conned over and over again. This last time, was no different.

Finally, I am coming to the realisation, that although I do not hate or mistrust men in general, I have to accept that a great many of them that I meet have difficulty with the truth. It is making me sick actually. Sorry to say, but I am crying out for the Universe to one day send me a man that can tell the truth more often than he lies.

So again, no, I see myself as particularly unlucky in love, but the blinders are now off well and truly. At 45, I feel pretty pathetic actually, and that frightens me so.

[Rose Tiger]

In the past, you could of been looking for someone to save you, someone to distract you, someone to complete you.  I think once we hit the personal inventory stage, it hits us that what we've looked for in the past, is something only we can give ourselves!  We can be complete in ourselves!  A nice r/s is icing on the cake.  You know the old cliche, until you learn how to love yourself, how can you love anyone else?  The hollywood perfect love is an illusion.  A farce.  Being ok with yourself, then your ready to meet people without that neediness of dysfunction, folks that add to the richness of your life... . that don't need fixing or anything like that.

[catsprt]

Rose Tiger - I totally agree with your comment. As per the Hollywood version of things, it only served as an escape in my case. The key moment after the relationship was when I started giving myself permission to simply be. You can not see it from outside, but sometimes I feel like Snoopy skating happily.  Not sure though how or if the lucky in love will ever materialize and that's OK. Thanks for your comment, catsprt

Rollecoaster - Sorry to hear that the road has been very difficult, hope you find some comfort on this site. Take care, catsprt

[TigerEye]

So here's a possible different perspective in the old adage "we make our own luck".

When you look at it, our luck in love was down to poor choices/patterns based on faulty thinking on our part, but now we have the chance to look at ourselves and recognise those poor choices/patterns and work to try and make better choices in the future. By spending time working on and bettering ourselves, are we not going to improve our perceived luck by making better choices for ourselves?

What I feel we are looking for is to be able to share our life with someone who has a higher level of emotional maturity than those that have come before, and to do that, we need to increase our own emotional maturity to match that which we seek - let's stack the odds in our favour, let's make our own luck.

[catsprt]

TigerEye, thanks that sounds like a great proposition. As it gives something to keep in mind when treading in the murky waters.

[eeyore]

- let's stack the odds in our favour, let's make our own luck.

  I think everyone here works hard at looking at themselves.  That's why everyone participates, posts, reads book, talks to a t if necessary.  Luck may be an entirely different matter.