Normal frequency of "relationship issues"

[aglaophone]

I need a level set, how often do normal couples have discussions about their relationship? And particularly problems with it?

I've been back with my udBPDgf for 6 months after moving out for 6 months. One of the drivers to that was that every 3-6 months she would create a conflict to validate the relationship. The end result of that was that I either needed to apologize or I needed to give some passionate sonnet on my undying love for her, usually both. Does anyone have some perspective on what "normal couples" do?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

Not normal couples... . but my husband has to have conflict at least once a week.

[aglaophone]

I think I could deal with low-conflict, i.e. you should put the peanut butter on before the jelly. Which, of course, everyone knows. But it's the relationship validation conflicts that are draining me.

[allibaba]

My husband has OCD issues... . and unfortunately if I don't validate the small stuff then the small stuff turns into "you don't love me."  In fact, my husband and I pretty much agree on all the earth shattering stuff... . morals, values, politics... . its the "correct way to fold a t-shirt stuff" that kills us.  Actually that was an example from 7 yrs ago... . and now that I can fold his t-shirts "correctly" its not an issue... . but hopefully you get my point

I don't feed into apologizing when I don't think its appropriate and I make sure to tell him how important he is to me regularly.  This limits me having to do it while in conflict just to appease him. 

[eyvindr]

I need a level set, how often do normal couples have discussions about their relationship? And particularly problems with it?

Well, "normal" tends to be a pretty subjective term. I prefer "healthy." And I'd further clarify that it's important to have productive discussions about the r-ship.

Now, the interwebs and (*ahem*) menstrual literature are chock full of advice on this subject. Best to find a professional T to talk to, if you want anything close to an actual answer.

My ex and I did find one such person -- I liked her very much. In our second session together, the T stated, unprompted by either of us, that "for a relationship to be happy and to survive the bad times, the ratio of good to bad moments needs to be at least 5-to-1."

I nearly jumped out of my chair and hugged her! My ex used to dysregulate pretty much every 6-7 days. It seemed so frequent to me that I actually began charting it, because I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting and didn't want to be unfair. After I'd confirmed for myself that we easily spent at least 25% of our time together fighting or getting over a fight, I attempted to discuss it with her. She tried to convince me that all couples have problems, and that she knew couples who really loved each other and were completely happy together -- who fought like cats and dogs every few days... . she was always big on citing what "most people" or "normal" people do, always painting me as being "unusual," or "confusing" in my expectations.

Well, regardless of whether this was true or not, I told her it wasn't ok with me. Her response was that I was unrealistic, and seeking perfection, and that I wouldn't find it anywhere, so if I thought I could just leave her and go find someone who was perfect I was sadly mistaken... .

~sigh~

I will say, though, that the realization that without changes 25% of my time spent with my partner was likely to be miserable was a big wake-up call for me. While I was willing to commit to my partner emotionally, I'm not willing to commit that much of my lifetime to unhappiness.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Well, the issue is that it takes another 50% to get over that 25% of bad time... . so really the good times are only 25%.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years, have two kids everything on even keel... . we never ever discuss our "relationship"... . we take that for granted and face the other challenges of life instead... . like economy, savings, childrens' college, health etc.

Perhaps it is our personality or perhaps the fact that we are married makes us both comfortable.

I can't say which is which.

[123Phoebe]

we never ever discuss our "relationship"... . we take that for granted

I will second this one.  Although we're not married and don't live together.

It used to bother me not having a label to attach to what 'we' are to one another.  Mainly because other people would ask and seemed to need a concrete relationship status and I was still very outwardly focused, so it became important to me, too.  One person just recently asked how 'he' was and went on to tell me that there's no future in it.  I had to laugh because the 'perfect relationship' she described wanting is exactly what we have plus a whole lot more   She wants someone to do things with that she likes being around, no pressure, you're there for each other when life gets hectic etc... .

Anyway, I wouldn't call our relationship normal by everyday standards as we don't shout to the world that we're a 'couple'.  I don't feel the need to discuss this with him, as his/my/our actions speak louder than words or labels.  We enjoy each other and that's right up my alley.

So, to answer your question about what normal couples do... .   I don't know that I can.  I believe that every relationship is different as we're all unique and bring our own stuff into it.  Some of it works, some of it doesn't.  The stuff that doesn't needs to be addressed in some way for the relationship to function better. 

I think that those things should be brought up individually, taking that being in the relationship is a given.  Unless it's a serious deal breaker, boundary violation, value-based situation... . then it would be 'relationship-talk/walk' time.

Other than that, we don't do relationship talks. 

Like I said, I used to want to, to clear the air and get some sort of status thing going on... .   It was when I was feeling very insecure.

Your girlfriend might feel insecure, I don't know for sure, but it might be a place to start as far as your own mindset goes.  Maybe try to validate that without coming across as needy, selfish or angry yourself that it's even an issue.  Not that you do or are.  It might be how she perceives things are, though.

Empathizing without letting our own stuff get in the way is hard.  And normal is very subjective.

Oh man, these relationships are windows into our own souls!

[aglaophone]

Well, the most recent event is after I broke NC for the second time. Everything was fine for the honeymoon period. For several months she was splitting against her daughter, I think that's what kept it at bay for a while. But she finally put that to bed and started in on me. She said I had mentioned my exGF too many times in the last few weeks, and if I still have feelings for her, I should explore that. I told her I didn't have feelings for her, and that I mentioned her because she was doing a cool internship, and there were germane things. The most recent of which was referencing my exGF to talk about swelling after wisdom teeth, real heart-throbber that was. I told her if she wasn't comfortable with it, I wouldn't talk about her anymore. She got mad and said that all I had to do was give her reassurance that I loved her, and she had given me plenty of opportunities and stomped off. Later, she sat down with me and told me that she just wanted reassurance and didn't know why I couldn't give her that (I think I need to compose a sonnet or something). She swears that all she said was that she noticed that I was mentioning exGF more often and that I got defensive and blurted out, "I don't have feelings for her." unsolicited. Also, one of her "pieces of evidence" was that I said, "I wish I was with exGF right now". What I said was, "I'm jealous of exGF right now" because she was getting her picture taken with nobel laureates. Finally, she said that unless I make a commitment (engagement) that we'll need to stay in our separate houses, which I've eagerly embraced, which has really upset her. It was supposed to get me to break down in mewling fealty or something.

[eyvindr]

hahaha, aglaophone -- "mewling fealty"! I got that at times, too. Does anyone else's pwBPD slip into a formal, stagey speaking/writing style when they start to dysregulate? Sometimes I couldn't help laughing. In one of the last txt barrages I was subjected to, I was called a "churlish boor"! Which, literally, means a "boorish boor." She was being so righteous, and it just cracked me up!

[aglaophone]

eylndr, you nailed it exactly. After the second break up we had to close a joint bank account, and after we left the abn kseh put her hand on my chest and did this dramatic reading. My brother asked me afterward if the camera panned out and played the music from Dawson's creek... .