My BPDw keeps on contacting me through others. What does this mean?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My diagnosed BPD wife and I separated about 6-8 weeks ago. Since then she found someone and in  weeks declared that she was madly in love after only three weeks of being with him. Said she had not felt this way in 20 years! he moved in. I have gone low contact with her to almost no contact. I have two kids with her so NC is really tough but our communication back and forth is limited.

She has been trashin me to mutual friends for last eight weeks. Recently in last 2 weeks she has increased her contacts of my relatives who she knows will tell me what she says. Last week while she was driving at the local strip mall she saw my aunt and immediately parked her car and went running to catch up to her. When she caught up to her all my wife could talk about was how wonderful her life was, how she had met the man of her dreams, how abusive I was etc etc etc. Today my wife went to my mother store to drop something off the for the kids (she could have just as likely dropped it off on the front porch of my house like she does all of the other stuff). While at my moms all she can talk about again is how much she is in love, how wonderful her life is etc.

I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions as o what she is trying to do? Is this a childish attempt to bait me / make me feel jealous. Is she having abandonment issues about me since we have split? Do pwBPD even have abandonment issues with there ex partners AFTER they have left them?

[confusedhubby]

My diagnosed BPD wife and I separated about 6-8 weeks ago. Since then she found someone and in  weeks declared that she was madly in love after only three weeks of being with him. Said she had not felt this way in 20 years! he moved in. I have gone low contact with her to almost no contact. I have two kids with her so NC is really tough but our communication back and forth is limited.

She has been trashin me to mutual friends for last eight weeks. Recently in last 2 weeks she has increased her contacts of my relatives who she knows will tell me what she says. Last week while she was driving at the local strip mall she saw my aunt and immediately parked her car and went running to catch up to her. When she caught up to her all my wife could talk about was how wonderful her life was, how she had met the man of her dreams, how abusive I was etc etc etc. Today my wife went to my mother store to drop something off the for the kids (she could have just as likely dropped it off on the front porch of my house like she does all of the other stuff). While at my moms all she can talk about again is how much she is in love, how wonderful her life is etc.

I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions as o what she is trying to do? Is this a childish attempt to bait me / make me feel jealous. Is she having abandonment issues about me since we have split? Do pwBPD even have abandonment issues with there ex partners AFTER they have left them?

[Moonie75]

She's feeling $hite & trying to get a jealous reaction out of you to feed her shrinking ego!

You're not playing the game & she's pissed!

[confusedhubby]

Hi Moomie.

Thank you for your inputs. It is very much appreciated.

Just a quick question, if she so wonderful and in love with the new guy how can she jealous of me? I thought that if they don't see you they don't think about you?

Also can they have abandonment issues with the ex partner AFTER they have left him?

[Moonie75]

She's not jealous of you ya noggin!

SHE wants YOU to show your jealous of HER wonderful new times! She want's you to look devistated, she want's you to be battered by your love for her & weighed down with grief about losing her to another geezer!

She wants your behavior in those ways mentioned above, to feed her ego. You're not chasing her & if she's so wonderful as she likes to think, you're not chasing her isn't the done thing ya monkey! You're not reassuring her!

She's going all out to meet family members because she's now having to step it up a gear to get her wonderful new life rammed down your throat. She's trying to fire you up into a jealous frenzy that will feed her need for validation from you! It's all about her (but you'll already know that).

Ya get me?

[confusedhubby]

Hi Moonie.

You may have a point. The last time I saw her she came dressed very slutty and put the moves on me and we kissed. I sensed she was trying to bait me.

If what your saying is correct where does her fear of my abandoning her come in?

Also what does she hope to attain by this?

Since I am basically no contact and giving her almost no attention will this thwart her plans? What will be the end result if I don't fall for the bait?

[Mutt]

Just a quick question, if she so wonderful and in love with the new guy how can she jealous of me? I thought that if they don't see you they don't think about you?

Also can they have abandonment issues with the ex partner AFTER they have left him?

I was wondering the same thing. I have been separated for 7 months and not until recently did I go to controlled contact. Impossible with kids to go NC. Anyways the wife is in a commited relationship with her affair partner now.

One of my sons friends mom recounted a similar story recently. A few months back at my son's school she was talking to other moms at the school. My uBPDw got herself into the converstation and said "I didn't cheat on Mutt. I'm happy now!" It's the strangest thing to recount that to people you barely now.

[Moonie75]

PwBPD have very fragile ego's. If she's left a man & he wants her back it feeds her ego, confidence, reassures her you're still there for coming back to later etc etc.

If you don't look arsed about her leaving, well what does that look like to everyone? What does it say about her to everyone? It damages her fragile ego!

That's all there is to it man. She wants everyone to worship her!

[confusedhubby]

Moonie.

Wow you're very cold cut about this. Good for you! It takes a great deal of insight to be able to get where you are.

So what your saying is that by going NC I am deflating her ego. Do you think that this at the very least this hasten the cycle with the new guy in the sense I am out of the equation? I don't want to recycle with her but I believe this new guy has a serious drinking / drug problem and he is just enabling her. I cant see my kids having contact with there mother if she is with him abusing substances.

[Moonie75]

Sorry if I come across a little cold I don't mean to. But at the same time a spade should just be called a spade. I don't know about you but I've had enough of all the BS my pbdex put me through. And I've it galls me that so many other good kind giving people on this site are suffering BS from their SO's.

To answer your question... . Someone very wise on here said that BPD's relationships are kind of like a 3 legged stool. Leg 1=you, Leg 2=them, & Leg3=the new dude. Take one leg off the stool & it will fall over!

The only 'leg' you control is you! Take yourself out of the equation & watch the other two legs struggle to hold things up!

F**k me I'm better at this than I realized! 

[Mutt]

PwBPD have very fragile ego's. If she's left a man & he wants her back it feeds her ego, confidence, reassures her you're still there for coming back to later etc etc.

I'm new to this. I thought that I read somewhere that it confirms the imagined or real fear of abandonment if you treat them indifferent?

[Moonie75]

Mutt,

Yeah that's right! So if you chase after em with tales of how much you miss them, want em back, love em etc etc, they don't feel abandoned because you're feeding their ego's & topping em up with 'feel good' & fuel to walk all over your emotions.

If you don't chase em they (quite rightly) feel abandoned! So they should, you don't want them anymore!  Often dis-regulating & losing it a bit too! That's when they 'act out' in the new relationship, coz the safety net's gone. That's when the stool falls over coz two legs can't hold it up!

If you don't want em back let em go run riot in some other guys head space!

You avin that mate?

[Mutt]

Mutt,

Yeah that's right! So if you chase after em with tales of how much you miss them, want em back, love em etc etc, they don't feel abandoned because you're feeding their ego's & topping em up with 'feel good' & fuel to walk all over your emotions.

If you don't chase em they (quite rightly) feel abandoned! So they should, you don't want them anymore!  Often dis-regulating & losing it a bit too! That's when they 'act out' in the new relationship, coz the safety net's gone. That's when the stool falls over coz two legs can't hold it up!

If you don't want em back let em go run riot in some other guys head space!

You avin that mate?

Yeah got it. The stool is triangulation I believe persecutor (me) > victim (spouse) > rescuer (boyfriend) You take out the leg, then the condition is aimed at the SO, not the spouse. I saw the red flags myself and went agains my intuition in the beginning. I saw the hater and ignored it. It has to go somewhere and they try to hide it from the new toy. So it's bad mouthing or taking it out on the ex. Take yourself out of the equation and it's squarely aimed at the boyfriend or it escalates. Does that make sense?

[Moonie75]

Bang on shag!

You got it!

[confusedhubby]

Moonie. You are so spot on you deserve a Nobel prize in psychiatry.

NC is the only way to go. I guess you have to fight fire with fire. I see how she is continuing to try and bait me. It amazes me how deeply entrenched this disorder is in her. It also scares me.

Thank you for your thoughts. As always, they are very much appreciated...

[confusedhubby]

@Mutt.

You nailed it on the head. The problem is that she will probably test me and increase the amount she paints me black so as to be able to continue painting me for all of her ills.

The problem I am probably going to run into is the upcoming court case. She may use some of the upcoming things as a way to continue to use me as an excuse for her failure / problems. I plan to be very cold during the hearings and show no emotion whatsoever. What's that expression... . Revenge is best served cold   

I have to be honest with you. None of this comes easy to me. I am a pacifist at my core. My heroes in life are Ghandi and Martin Luther King. Also I am not so cold as to want to see someone destroyed. However when I see how destructive she can be to me and the children I suck it up and become determined to do what's best for them.

[Mutt]

@Mutt.

You nailed it on the head. The problem is that she will probably test me and increase the amount she paints me black so as to be able to continue painting me for all of her ills.

The problem I am probably going to run into is the upcoming court case. She may use some of the upcoming things as a way to continue to use me as an excuse for her failure / problems. I plan to be very cold during the hearings and show no emotion whatsoever. What's that expression... . Revenge is best served cold  

I have to be honest with you. None of this comes easy to me. I am a pacifist at my core. My heroes in life are Ghandi and Martin Luther King. Also I am not so cold as to want to see someone destroyed. However when I see how destructive she can be to me and the children I suck it up and become determined to do what's best for them.

My soon to be ex uBPDw's flaw is her logic. It's flaky and I'm not worried about going into my court case. She cake eats and loves the best of both worlds. I'm going in calm and chin up. She can paint me black all she wants. I was really worried about what friends and family on her side thought of me after her smear campaign, but it's like my T said "She owns that. It's not for you to take on". She can smear my in ludricous paint for all I care. It's facts that count. The truth has a way of coming out. I just have to be indifferent to it. She is in complete denial that she had an affair and is in shame and guilt. Words trigger her. If I say anything like "wife" "marriage" "affair" she gets vulgar. She's erased 8 years from her mind. She can't cope with reality and truly thinks that being separated means she's divorced. To quote uBPD "we're legally separated so that means we're not married". The list of excuses go on and on.

Ignoring her in her presence triggers her fear of rejection. For years she complained if she was no immediately acknownledged or my sister didn't look at her after she had painted her black years ago. I hope those little tactics makes her dysregulated and act out. This new guy has no clue what he's in for. I'm a strong person and after I fell off the pedastal after she discarded me, it knocked me out. If a family member had not come forward and said "Mutt, I didn't want to tell you this but your wife is BPD" I have no idea were I would of been today. I would of believed what my uBPDw projected unto me. I was almost completely entrenched in her fog. I'm thankful that family member helped me out. My veangance is work on me, controlled contact, move on and let the cards fall where they may. She's going to destroy this guy on her own. Harsh words, but I have no sympathy for people with no morales. He walked in the middle of my marriage, has no qualms in his actions and the effect he's had on my children. He means nothing to me.

I'm 39 and starting over. I'm not going through this again and I'm not going back to her. This was a blessing in disguise. My soulmate is still out there for me and I deserve true happiness and not an abusive relationship.

[Learning_curve74]

NC is the only way to go. I guess you have to fight fire with fire. I see how she is continuing to try and bait me. It amazes me how deeply entrenched this disorder is in her. It also scares me.

It is not necessarily a battle. You are living her life, she is living hers. She wants validation from you, maybe she feels empty, worthless, or unwanted but temporarily soothes herself when she sees you act out with jealousy. And then, other than temporarily soothing yourself, what does somehow striking back at her gain you? NC or LC are to give you space to process your emotions, detach, and heal. If not, and you are trying to use it as a weapon or tool for other purposes, then relationships can be dysfunctional on both sides, right?    I'm not calling you a bad person, confusedhubby, just that it is always good for us to be self-aware and truthful with ourselves. 

You cannot predict what she and the new guy are going to do, and it is very possible he is a crummy person and an enabler. I really ***ing hate the idea that my BPDex might be banging some loser s***head ___clown enabler, it makes me both pissed off and sad. So I totally get where you're coming from, confusedhubby! You can do your best to protect yourself and your kids however. With your children involved, this really sucks. It's nice to try and grasp your stbxBPDw's disordered thinking to figure out the reason behind all her dysfunctional behaviors. It's just as important, to figure out how best to handle yourself in order to protect yourself and your children.   

[Mutt]

@learning_curve I agree with the pragmatic advise.

You cannot predict what she and the new guy are going to do

I wouldn't get caught up in fortune telling. But you can be rest assured that if she's in denial and doesn't seek help, the pattern will repeat and the same thing will happen to your replacement.

I feel the same way about my replacement, because I feel there's a wedge that's been placed between my ex and my kids. A barrier in trying to communicate with her because she's chosen her passion over dealing with important matters with the kids. Courts will deal with that in my case. I can't tell you what I would do to this guy if I was in a room alone with him. It's painful to know he was lurking in the shadows when we were a family. If it wasn't him, it would of been someone else with the same values.

I know that she won't change. She'll box herself in due to her impulsive actions at some point. Only I can change, change the game and be there for my kids. I refuse to be there to soothe her or get recycled into the drama. It's time to take the mouth off of the pipe of the fog machine. It's her life, she's entitled to happiness and repeat the same mistakes over and over.

[confusedhubby]

@Learning-curve

I think you misunderstood when I wrote "you have to fight fire with fire". zWhat I meant was that you have to mimic the selfish behavior of the pwBPD and think of only your self interests. In my case its me and my kids. 

[confusedhubby]

@Moonie

She's feeling $hite & trying to get a jealous reaction out of you to feed her shrinking ego!

You're not playing the game & she's pissed!

Just a quick question Moonie. How can her ego be shrinking when she has a new man and appears to be euphoric and on top of the world? Stated differently how can a pwBPD have a shrinking ego during the idealization phase? Is this subconscious? Or do they still have abandonment fears of the ex AFTER they have left him?

Also I have kids with her and its a near certainty that after the divorce she will only have very limited contact with them (she can only see them supervised). What kind of dynamic do you think this will add?