Contact arrives in the mail

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all

Since the 13/8 my exuBP has been ignoring me, after he screamed verbal abuse at me and hung up, I had said to him that I did not wish to hear him verbally abusing his parents, nor my daughter and son in law, and this obviously really p****him off. The phone was slammed down in my ear and that was his last contact.

In the days that followed, I did try sending a few messages, but was ignored, so resigned myself (from the 18/8) to stay NC and tried to make it through the mild depression, to the other side, and heal.

At one point, I spoke with his Mother, but did ask her not to speak with her BP son about my call, I really wanted to touch base with them, as I do worry about their ability to cope with BP at times and I had always been in touch with them the whole time I knew him. For the first 2 years, BP encouraged me to have a separate friendship with his parents, this was also whilst he was admitting he knew he needed help, and to speak with his parents about it.

Over the last month BP's elderly parents had put their home on the market again, as the Mother was wanting to move to a smaller property/home as their age warrants this nowadays. The parents have both been encouraging BP to move on, (by buying a smaller home) but I am not sure if this is really going to happen, as I cannot honestly see his Mother turning him out on the street, (even if he is almost 46 and going on 5 years unemployed).

So over this 4 weeks, the whole sale thing has been taking place up there, I guess slimming down on household items in preparation for moving, BP had been hoarding a lot of stuff at their place too, (lots of car parts and mechanical projects) so he has been slimming down too.

Today, I get a newspaper clipping in the post, which is from him, and the clipping is about something he knew I would be interested to read. There is no address on the back, and no note in there, just the clipping, but he had made sure I would know it was him who sent it, (I know his handwriting without mistake!).

I just don't get it!

He has ignored me for the past month, and now this! It is his birthday on Friday, so I have no idea what he has been up to over this time, (if he has had another source of supply or what).

And I must admit, I tried calling his phone, and sent a few messages, but no response at all. Bizarre.

So I failed and bit his hook... Silly me.

I was still pretty vulnerable to a recycle attempt, as it has only been a week or two that I began to find my mojo again.

I also think that two weeks ago he was outside my bedroom window, late at night and tapping on it.

My daughter had posted on Facebook that her partner had flown back to work on the mines again, so the fact that I had someone outside my bedroom window that same night two weeks ago was too much of a coincidence.

I had gone right up to my window and said loudly, "your on CCTV right now, so I suggest you get lost". And after that, there was no more footsteps or window tapping. Around 10 minutes later, I heard a car door shut and the vehicle drove off down the road.

This would be something BP would do, especially if he thought it would put the wind up me enough to really scare me, (perhaps he thought I would call him!). I really don't know.

But it's like they put a tempter out there, but maybe too scared of being rejected themselves, so they don't make direct contact or something. It is hard to say.

But I have to confess all, that I failed the NC test with this baited hook.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Since the 13/8 my exuBP has been ignoring me, after he screamed verbal abuse at me and hung up, I had said to him that I did not wish to hear him verbally abusing his parents, nor my daughter and son in law, and this obviously really p****him off. The phone was slammed down in my ear and that was his last contact.

In the days that followed, I did try sending a few messages, but was ignored, so resigned myself (from the 18/8) to stay NC and tried to make it through the mild depression, to the other side, and heal.

At one point, I spoke with his Mother, but did ask her not to speak with her BP son about my call, I really wanted to touch base with them, as I do worry about their ability to cope with BP at times and I had always been in touch with them the whole time I knew him. For the first 2 years, BP encouraged me to have a separate friendship with his parents, this was also whilst he was admitting he knew he needed help, and to speak with his parents about it.

Over the last month BP's elderly parents had put their home on the market again, as the Mother was wanting to move to a smaller property/home as their age warrants this nowadays. The parents have both been encouraging BP to move on, (by buying a smaller home) but I am not sure if this is really going to happen, as I cannot honestly see his Mother turning him out on the street, (even if he is almost 46 and going on 5 years unemployed).

So over this 4 weeks, the whole sale thing has been taking place up there, I guess slimming down on household items in preparation for moving, BP had been hoarding a lot of stuff at their place too, (lots of car parts and mechanical projects) so he has been slimming down too.

Today, I get a newspaper clipping in the post, which is from him, and the clipping is about something he knew I would be interested to read. There is no address on the back, and no note in there, just the clipping, but he had made sure I would know it was him who sent it, (I know his handwriting without mistake!).

I just don't get it!

He has ignored me for the past month, and now this! It is his birthday on Friday, so I have no idea what he has been up to over this time, (if he has had another source of supply or what).

And I must admit, I tried calling his phone, and sent a few messages, but no response at all. Bizarre.

So I failed and bit his hook... Silly me.

I was still pretty vulnerable to a recycle attempt, as it has only been a week or two that I began to find my mojo again.

I also think that two weeks ago he was outside my bedroom window, late at night and tapping on it.

My daughter had posted on Facebook that her partner had flown back to work on the mines again, so the fact that I had someone outside my bedroom window that same night two weeks ago was too much of a coincidence.

I had gone right up to my window and said loudly, "your on CCTV right now, so I suggest you get lost". And after that, there was no more footsteps or window tapping. Around 10 minutes later, I heard a car door shut and the vehicle drove off down the road.

This would be something BP would do, especially if he thought it would put the wind up me enough to really scare me, (perhaps he thought I would call him!). I really don't know.

But it's like they put a tempter out there, but maybe too scared of being rejected themselves, so they don't make direct contact or something. It is hard to say.

But I have to confess all, that I failed the NC test with this baited hook.

[ScotisGone74]

During my few years with my exBPD SO I always got the idea that she wanted to talk to or see her ex husband as the relationship went along.   In the beginning of our relationship of course he was an evil thief who stole money from her and cheated.   Then during the end of our relationship she would say that he called her, which I found very odd.  During the very end she mentioned that he may come over to her place to pet sit, since because after all the dog was one that he got her, this is where I started getting the willies about how things were getting really weird.  I have no doubt now that her ex husband NEVER contacted her, after all why would he ? especially after she paraded around a new person in front of him. before filing for divorce.   They move on at light speed while we are left hurting, but make no mistake they are in pain whether they show it or not. 

They want to be comforted by us at some point, since we were able to comfort them before and soothe them in the past, but their core will not allow them to reach out in a normal manner, because them reaching out would require them for having to admit possibly being at fault or being wrong-something they just cannot do since all the blame must be ours'-and at this point is now fine with me. 

[Surnia]

Hi rollercoaster

Its not totally surprising for me that he start to contact you again... .

Now its time for you to really think about what you want with this rs.

Yes, you failed the a bit the test. Not the NC test, more the stay-calm-and-breath-and-do-nothing-test.

Him late night around your house would scare me... . 

I am not someone with strict rules and normally I don't see my role in saying what people should do, in your case I would say, by any contact from him: before you do any step toward him wait 24 hours and keep posting here.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi to ScotisGone74

Thanks for your insight, it does look like he is reaching out for some comfort, but pretending to still be detached at the same time, just like you say is the case.

It is interesting though, that a week ago, I had a very good psychic reading, and she told me that she could see him writing something to me soon and posting it, (I guess that may have been his addressing the envelope to me). The psychic also picked up that there is a woman around him that has a tattoo, and I had always had an instinct that he was seeing other women, so this could well be the case, (that it isn't working out with the new one, so he makes a slight effort to engage me to see if he still has me or not).

I also have an instinct that he is on drugs so I would not be surprised if I am right about that too. The psychic did say that she could see white pills around him, but I doubt he is on medication as he would not be acting out still so much if he was.

In your case, I can understand why you got the willies about your ex and her EX hubby's contact together. Did they have children together? Because sometimes, if they do, that friendship/favours thing is maintained in certain cases, but it is still hard for new partners coming on the scenes to cope with.

If they didn't have children together, that would definately make one very uncomfortable about what was really going on there, so I can understand your reservations about this, (fair enough!).

Thanks for responding to me, it is much appreciated.

To Surnia

Yes, your right about him being around late at night, certainly a worry, but not unusual kind of stuff for him, as at times he has mentioned that he doesn't sleep, (all the more reason to suspect substance abuse here).

Your right, I do have to think about what I want with this relationship, I kind of know what I want, and I also know what is best, given his disorder and the way things have gone so far. But the heart wants what it wants too, so I will try and stay calm, breathe and take my time... I will stay in touch for sure. Thanks for your support it is greatly appreciated.

Roller

[ScotisGone74]

The ex BPD SO and her ex husband before me had no kids together.  After I started getting my head out of my idealized rear after the bitter end I did some of my own checking around at the courthouse just to satisfy my own interest in all of it and to get rid of any suspicions that I had.     After checking with the court I discovered that she was only married for a grand total of six months, before she was having sex and totally enmeshed with me.   Of course this whole time she told me she was divorced and had been divorced.  As the records show she used me to cheat on her husband for six months before she filed for divorce from him, she was not even married a year, and cheating for six months of it.  I suspect she was cheating on me with the new guy and now husband for at least a couple of months probably, could be more, but I think just the total amount of time we were together each day it would have been difficult at best. 

At the very end she was beyond paranoid and just in total Jod Arias mode it seemed to me.  Making threats against my past SO and bragging about money she had, just totally bizarre and scarey.  She was married within two months of latching onto the new guy leaving me just bewildered.  I'm imagining that after she has the baby that reality is going to come crashing down on her, because she is actually going to have to take care of  a baby, emotionally she is a baby herself-so I don't think that is going to go well.  Also she was using prescription narcotics and alcohol very non chalantly while we were together, even before or during work, I don't believe that is an unresolved issue for her and will probably return after her child arrives.    Peace

[rollercoaster24]

Hi ScottisGone74

Well, your story is interesting, and I can certainly see why you had your suspicions, turns out they were right. It sounds like she is very mixed up and insecure too. Must have done your head in being involved with her for that time.

I too have been done like a dogs dinner in the past by people cheating on their partners and lying to me when they snared me in.

Seems a common theme in my life actually, I get done and conned pretty easily, and always kick myself for ignoring that very powerful instinct I have, (passing it off often as paranoia).

I have pretty much had this instinct about my now exuBP too, the whole time, and since I do tarot and psychic stuff myself, it always comes up that there is a man around me with mental health issues, lying, conning and possibly cheating too.

As it turns out, since he dumped me again on the 13/8 I have found out quite a lot of lies he told me, about some of the women he was hanging around only weeks before he met me!

I am sure there are many more lies too.

The interesting thing for me, is that around a week ago, I rang a clairvoyant, she told me that she saw him writing something to me soon, (I guess that was the envelope he put the clipping in) and also that there is another woman he is seeing, she has a tattoo of eternity or something like that. She asked me if he was on medications, as she saw white pills around him too. I said that may have been my pills she was picking up on, (since I just started taking antidepressants in the last two weeks). I seriously doubt he would be on any medications, although my suspicion has also always been that he is abusing meth. It would explain his weekly aggressive periods, his leanness, lack of eating, and staying up at nights.

Anyway, I took the bait he sent me, and tried calling his mobile yesterday, also messaged, and sent an email this morning, he is still ignoring me, which is hard, since I was beginning to make progress, and getting a little better, less crying at least, although was still thinking about him every day, several times and feeling very sad that it didn't work out.

In the email I sent this morning, I was at least asking him for honesty and closure. It is his birthday coming up this Friday, so I am wondering what is on the cards for that and if that had something to do with him making contact like that. I can only think right now, that it is just another sick means of seeing if he still has power over me, since I ignored him back this past month.

Oh, I really hate this. Being 45 years old, and falling in love with another person who is essentially unavailable to me emotionally. Damn this foolish pattern I have, it sucks big time.

I really didn't want to have to start dating all over again at this age, it all feels pathetic to me...

[Learning_curve74]

Anyway, I took the bait he sent me, and tried calling his mobile yesterday, also messaged, and sent an email this morning, he is still ignoring me, which is hard, since I was beginning to make progress, and getting a little better, less crying at least, although was still thinking about him every day, several times and feeling very sad that it didn't work out.

In the email I sent this morning, I was at least asking him for honesty and closure. It is his birthday coming up this Friday, so I am wondering what is on the cards for that and if that had something to do with him making contact like that. I can only think right now, that it is just another sick means of seeing if he still has power over me, since I ignored him back this past month.

Oh, I really hate this. Being 45 years old, and falling in love with another person who is essentially unavailable to me emotionally. Damn this foolish pattern I have, it sucks big time.

I really didn't want to have to start dating all over again at this age, it all feels pathetic to me...

rollercoaster24, I know you feel at 45 that it feels like it's too late to "start dating all over again". Here's another way to think about it though. Do you want to spend another 5, 10, 15 years on the constant back and forth silent treatments? Then instead of 45 you'll be 50, 55, or 60 years old having to start all over again. Not that it is ever too old: I've met people in their 60s and 70s who found love at their advanced age, so age doesn't have to be a barrier.

I will never ever let anybody "devalue" me ever again. It isn't within their power because I know my own self worth, and if somebody does not recognize that and respect it, then they can get lost because I will never let anybody drag me down again. 

[Surnia]

Yes, right now it looks like a huge step to ever dating again... .

I agree with LC about another 10 or so with someone with serious mental problems and in denial... .

Growing older is anyway a bit of a challenge.   And this together with all the drama of a rollercoaster... .I dunno.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi learning_curve74 and Surnia

Yes I know you are right about this, and I know it is pretty sick that I am still so hooked up on someone who treated me so badly. All that aside, it doesn't take away the love that I had for him, and I just wished he could have loved me back and committed to working on himself a bit more.

I also miss that closeness of being loved by an intimate partner, and being cuddled and of course making love.

Even if that experience was getting even more rare towards the very end for me.

I sent an email this morning, to see if he can give me some closure, now the ball is entirely in his court. If he doesn't reply, then I won't make any more contact myself either.

I am trying and was trying to move on with my life, as sad as that all was, and I wish that I still wasn't so vulnerable to being recycled.

I know it is my own fault, for not ignoring his attempt to make contact, but what a weird way to do that, and then ignore me some more when I respond to his effort.

It just made me hurt and obsess more, (and I was already having trouble not thinking about him anyway, wondering what he was doing, who with, if he was indeed seeing someone else, or had been cheating the whole time, and all the other great insecurities I had whilst with him.

If I could just get away on a holiday right now, I think it might just be what I need, take a break from everything, its been over 4 years since I had one now, and I desperately need it.

[Learning_curve74]

Yes I know you are right about this, and I know it is pretty sick that I am still so hooked up on someone who treated me so badly. All that aside, it doesn't take away the love that I had for him, and I just wished he could have loved me back and committed to working on himself a bit more.

rollercoaster24, it's natural you still want him. You're not weird or wrong or sick for that. Everybody here on the Leaving board felt like you at one point, and there's a lot who feel this way right now! Did you see my post about Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser? If not, please check it out, it explains a lot about why we stay in unhealthy relationships.

I also miss that closeness of being loved by an intimate partner, and being cuddled and of course making love.

Even if that experience was getting even more rare towards the very end for me.

Everybody loves feeling loved, absolutely nothing wrong about that!

Have you ever heard of "intermittent reward"? It's how the slot machines keep gamblers spending their money and how less intimacy can also keep us hooked. If everytime we said, "let's have sex" our partner leaped to our command, eventually it would just be commonplace, like brushing your teeth, no big deal. But if randomly once every 10 to 20 times we asked they had sex with us, then we would stick around desperately putting money into the slot machine, we wouldn't focus on the fact that 90 to 95% of the time there's no payoff, they ignore us! I don't think pwBPD know consciously that they are utilizing intermittent rewards, but that is one of their mechanisms for keeping us around. It's not just sex, it goes for just being nice enough at random times, it reinforces our behavior towards them better than a constant reward. So we spend a lot of time confused and off guard, and a little time being happy. Maybe as human beings we then need to practice gratitude: being more grateful for every day seemingly mundane things -- like being healthy, having a job, having a home -- because these things are truly worth being grateful for but we focus too much on the things we don't have.

I sent an email this morning, to see if he can give me some closure, now the ball is entirely in his court. If he doesn't reply, then I won't make any more contact myself either.

I am trying and was trying to move on with my life, as sad as that all was, and I wish that I still wasn't so vulnerable to being recycled.

I know it is my own fault, for not ignoring his attempt to make contact, but what a weird way to do that, and then ignore me some more when I respond to his effort.

That's typical BPD, they often engage you just to leave you hanging. I hope you can stick to your plan to remain NC if he doesn't reply. Take care of yourself when he does reply. Remember that when actions don't prove the truth of his words, then his words are only lies. pwBPD often have very little ability to accept responsibility, so it's also likely that whatever he emails back to you will be highly dissatisfying answering nothing giving no closure.

If I could just get away on a holiday right now, I think it might just be what I need, take a break from everything, its been over 4 years since I had one now, and I desperately need it.

That sounds like a really good idea! Can you get away for one? If not, what other things do you enjoy that will get you out for a little fun? Do you have any fun hobbies?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi learning_curve74

Thanks for replying to me, much appreciated and I'm going to read that post you suggested, (which will help for sure).

Your right about the intermittent reward thingee, especially noticed this a whole lot more once we went to Long Distance for 16 months (he just proceeded to 'punish' me more for asking him to move out).

Over June and July and August I only saw him twice anyway, (10/6 he assaulted me and threatened my life and damaged property and 14/7 he was verbally abusive the whole time, plus damaged my property too or tried to). I haven't seen him at all in September, since he dumped me for the last time on the 13/8 in a flurry of disgusting verbal abuse. This was because I disagreed with his using verbal abuse about his parents and my family.

Nothing all month, and then this stupid clipping arrives in the mail, I mean it isn't even anything life threatening, it was merely a brief article about a major cleaning company in our state that is finally being investigated for ripping off it's employees. BP knew I had had problems with a company I worked for before, (he also knew I won and got part of my money back), so I know he knew I would be interested in the article, but odd that he wants me to know he was thinking of something I would be interested in, if he can't even take my calls or answer my email!

I only tried on the day it arrived, (Monday just past) and since then I haven't bothered, even the fact that it is his birthday today hasn't prompted me to bother calling him, I just don't understand at all.

I am still annoyed about this in ways, because even though I was incredibly sad, I was getting used to never hearing from him again, and moving on with my grief process. Once that clipping arrived, it put my progress back a lot, yea, I was still ruminating, but there were more positive days as well, where I didn't think about him as much, wonder if he was coming back etc.

This is odd, as we all know that we don't want their drama back in our lives, but we somehow want them to call us? For validation of our feelings? I have to remind myself that he never was going to validate my feelings, and never really did either, the whole time. He was mostly a selfish, self-absorbed toxic jerk! Each time I miss those rare loving words, I will replace them with the nasty cold dangerous voice/words, that I heard more often.

Not that I would want to go back with him as he was anyway, if he came back with a willingness to work on his own issues, and made an inventory of the horrible things he has done then maybe we would have a chance, (whilst still remaining LC). I can't see that happening though, and whilst his parents, (mostly his Mother) are enabling him to stay there for nothing and make their lives miserable as well, he won't change at all. Well, he doesn't have to does he?

I understand his Mother doesn't want him to be thrown on the streets, but still, so much for saying he isn't coming to stay with them, when he is quite clearly.

As long as Mummy Dearest is looking after his ego, he has no incentive to get better, as there are few consequences for him to do so. Oh, the way he rages about his parents, (hate and vitriolic spew sessions) you would think his life is absolutely unbearable, but that is all a front. He will be sickly sweet to his parents as long as he is getting what he wants off them, and a few days later, he will be back to hating and resenting them too. I pity them, actually, I don't. They allow him to act out, reinforcing it by allowing him to stay there and not getting serious about finding somewhere else for him to go, (like they say they want/need to).

He is seriously like a teenage boy that hasn't grown up. He lives there for free, gets the odd meal and treats of clothing or sweets, free phone use, free utilities, free everything. He has his own private little space outside, sells things (on top of his unemployment payment now 5 years plus) and spends all his time sitting in libraries or hanging at shopping centres and the beach either in his car or driving around.

He has his drive car and he has a project car, (the project car he has been doing up the whole time we have been Long Distance, saying he only brought it because he knew I had older children and responsibilities!). What a load of baloney he used to justify his own selfishness/lack of committment!

He brought this car (in Feb 2011) without me knowing about it, and guess who helped him out financially for 5 months whilst he mooched off me for free, plus running out of money quicker than usual each week, whilst he had to pay it off! He forgets about this though! In his mind he owes me nothing, and tells anyone who might listen just how supportive he was to me, but none of his support was consistent support, much less consistent moods emotions or behaviours.

For two nights a week, he stays overnight in a nearby city, (where a beach is) and sleeps in his car. He has done this since I met him, and I was never able to contact his mobile whilst he was there, either during the day or at nights. There was always an excuse/justification, but the excuses always contradicted what he told me.

Oh, and lets not forget the endless accusations he hurled at me the whole time, of cheating and seeing other men on the sly! He believed he was justified to treat me badly simply because I had some male friends when I met him and after I met him!

His alibis that never added up were; I sleep lightly in my car, have to be alert to danger of crime, OR I always have my phone near me incase you call, 24/7.

Each week, he goes to this city, and from Thursday-Monday he is usually back at his parents, but 'avoiding conflict'. This is a joke, since he is the one who instigates the conflict every time! Whilst at his parents, he drives off really early in the mornings, and gets takeaway coffees, then goes back to his parents, then drives off and hangs out at the library on the internet. Well, this is what he says.

But his stories just don't match up. How can someone sit at the library all day, if your maximum limit on a computer is an hour at a time? How can someone with little money (unemployed 5 years now) afford to drive around in a V6 car all day?

I also noticed that a lot of stories of his past/timeline, just didn't add up in terms of what he did with all his money when he was supposedly working, (on really good money too) and also had apparently had properties in his 30's?

This was why I always suspected him of having a drug habit, (mostly meth) because he runs out of money really quick each week, yet doesn't pay rent/board/utilities on top of other living costs that most people have. He makes about $100 a week average on top of his unemployment payment, $246 per week, and has a never ending round of short term credit loans he is paying off every week, around $60 (high interest payback), plus a credit card he has never managed to pay off properly for the past 2.6 years. So he gets about $280 income per week to spend on himself! How he manages to run out of cash so often beats me, since he only buys cigarettes and petrol plus probably spends about $20 on take out coffees. His cigarette habit is his highest cost, (around $100 a week) before petrol.

Apologies for ruminating on about things outside of my control, or need be interest any longer... These were questions I always wondered about, and was also concerned about. I know I don't need to wonder at this point, as it is no longer any of my business.

I pity the next poor woman that he manages to suck in... But he is of the type to think why be tied to one woman, when there are so many others out there just waiting. He painted himself out to be this serious, romantic, faithful kind of man, but he wasn't at all really, and moving on so quickly after me, (or during) only proves it more.

I do have hobbies learning_curve74 and plenty to do to keep myself busy. Life seems a little dull and boring at times, and there is the flatness of it all, but I am not silly enough to rush out and fill it up with someone new. I am travelling back to my home country at long last in early October, and this is to catch up with family/friends plus sort out a long term storage issue. I can't wait, and I also know that if I had still been involved with exuBP, I wouldn't be going, as my finances would have shrunk quicker, having to be the financial provider for our relationship to happen. I was always the one who made everything happen, he made little effort in any department that was lasting.

In fact, I look around at the things he did for me, and you know what? They are all half finished. I think the only thing he did finish was mowing the lawns! Even that would set him off sometimes!

Sorry for my long drawn out rant. I guess I am still angry at him.

[Learning_curve74]

Over June and July and August I only saw him twice anyway, (10/6 he assaulted me and threatened my life and damaged property and 14/7 he was verbally abusive the whole time, plus damaged my property too or tried to). I haven't seen him at all in September, since he dumped me for the last time on the 13/8 in a flurry of disgusting verbal abuse.

Wow, that must've been scary, rc24! I was reading that people who damage property are also much more likely to advance to physical abuse and violence. Please keep yourself safe. You never see him or frequent the same places anymore do you?

I am still annoyed about this in ways, because even though I was incredibly sad, I was getting used to never hearing from him again, and moving on with my grief process. Once that clipping arrived, it put my progress back a lot, yea, I was still ruminating, but there were more positive days as well, where I didn't think about him as much, wonder if he was coming back etc.

This is odd, as we all know that we don't want their drama back in our lives, but we somehow want them to call us? For validation of our feelings? I have to remind myself that he never was going to validate my feelings, and never really did either, the whole time. He was mostly a selfish, self-absorbed toxic jerk! Each time I miss those rare loving words, I will replace them with the nasty cold dangerous voice/words, that I heard more often.

It sounds like you have a good plan to remind yourself why you can't be with your ex. I haven't broken up from my BPDex as long as you have, but I know how it feels to have a set back when you think you're starting to do really well. It's natural to feel like wanting them to call, we can miss them even though they are toxic to us. It's only been 6 weeks for me, and I still cry at least once a day for seemingly no reason, though other times of the day I'm getting by ok. I figure it's just a matter of working through our grief and detachment processes, and that can take some time to get through. I definitely do not want to get into any type of exchanges with her.

As long as Mummy Dearest is looking after his ego, he has no incentive to get better, as there are few consequences for him to do so.

Yes, pwBPD seem to try and hang on their enablers even when they flip flop and love/hate them. I hate to admit that I am resentful of people who are enabling my BPDex, but alas, that is totally out of my control, can't lose sleep over it. All I could do was make sure I was no longer one of them.

I do have hobbies learning_curve74 and plenty to do to keep myself busy. Life seems a little dull and boring at times, and there is the flatness of it all, but I am not silly enough to rush out and fill it up with someone new. I am travelling back to my home country at long last in early October, and this is to catch up with family/friends plus sort out a long term storage issue. I can't wait, and I also know that if I had still been involved with exuBP, I wouldn't be going, as my finances would have shrunk quicker, having to be the financial provider for our relationship to happen.

Sorry for my long drawn out rant. I guess I am still angry at him.

Hope you feel better after venting! Sometimes it just feels good to just get it out there, away from just bouncing around in your own head. It sounds like you are keeping busy and this trip to your home country sounds like a good chance to get away from everything for a while too. I hope you enjoy seeing your family and friends. Best wishes to you!

[rollercoaster24]

Hi learning_curve74

Thanks for replying and for your concerns.

I don't believe exBP frequents the city I live in anymore, although as I said I wouldn't put it past him to drive by and check up on me occasionally (early mornings or late at nights) as this was always a habit of his the whole time we were together, (stalking behaviours).

But after he had to move out in Feb of 2012, he never really came down to my city that often, (unless he was doing early morning or late night drive bys to check up on me). Pretty sure those times were the time he was up to no good himself again.

Even if he is ignoring me and has someone new, they do tend to keep tabs on the 'ones that got away' (doesn't seem to matter if they dump them themselves either).

I will say I have had quite a few hang up calls, (one the day before his birthday and around the time he would call in the morning) and the prowler incident later at night on the same day my son-inlaw flew out to a remote site to work. The clipping arrived in my mail on the 10/9, yet he ignored my thank you texts, and my one email on the 11/9. Since then, (after the clipping arrived) I have not tried to ring, nor text nor email again. I figure why should I? He started the whole NC, and doesn't give a damn about me, not even an apology, so I would imagine his new source of supply will be getting all his attention.

I shudder to wonder if she has young children, (I really hope not!), since any of BP's ex girlfriends never wanted to have his babies, (he is childless at 46) he likes to go for either younger women, (easier to manipulate) or single Mothers, (also easier to manipulate and usually a tad vulnerable too).

It is interesting that he promotes himself as this really independent, non-clingy straight up kind of guy, (fancies himself as one who isn't easily swayed by a 'little sex' or emotional attachments, yet he doesn't realise that since he broke with me, I have found out quite a lot more of his lies.

He went from 2 different women in a matter of weeks before he met me, and he set out to meet me on purpose anyway, (based on what his brother told him). I seriously believe he targeted me, as the events surrounding how we met prove it.

I remember a comment he made a few months ago, when saying nasty things again, (to deliberately produce more insecurity in me). It went like this; "I can meet someone else you know, I'm not desperate, you just gotta keep asking right, and eventually one will say Yes", (he is referring to women here).

He also said, "Its not that easy to meet someone is it?", in conversation one day, I couldn't believe that, I mean why would you be attempting to, if your in a relationship with someone else?

I'm sorry learningcurve, I'm still ruminating a bit aren't I?

Anyway, will go to the boards and do some more posting, this does help.

Take care

Roller