Single word of contact...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, a few of you will of read my previous posts and know how much ive struggled. I posted wanting to know why I hadnt had contact when all I kept reading was everyone having contact. In my muddled mind i saw it as he didnt care, well obviously he doesnt care but I now know he never did so it doesnt matter any way.

So, I get into work this morning and log into my emails and see one from my ex dwBPD. It is one word. Why.

No question mark or anything! Now I know he knows me well in terms of pushing the right buttons and he knows I will want to know what he means. Lots of people say NC no matter what, what i want to know is what do I do?

If i reply am i just opening up the door again or can i reply asking what he means with why?

I feel surprisingly calm, however being at work with people around me helps. If i was at home alone I might of fallen apart.

I so want to be strong for me as i know i need to be, part of me wants to reply just to hear what he has to say (but then i know it will all be lies etc... .)

Why is it so complicated? I dont know how i feel :-(

[gallerykey]

Hi, a few of you will of read my previous posts and know how much ive struggled. I posted wanting to know why I hadnt had contact when all I kept reading was everyone having contact. In my muddled mind i saw it as he didnt care, well obviously he doesnt care but I now know he never did so it doesnt matter any way.

So, I get into work this morning and log into my emails and see one from my ex dwBPD. It is one word. Why.

No question mark or anything! Now I know he knows me well in terms of pushing the right buttons and he knows I will want to know what he means. Lots of people say NC no matter what, what i want to know is what do I do?

If i reply am i just opening up the door again or can i reply asking what he means with why?

I feel surprisingly calm, however being at work with people around me helps. If i was at home alone I might of fallen apart.

I so want to be strong for me as i know i need to be, part of me wants to reply just to hear what he has to say (but then i know it will all be lies etc... .)

Why is it so complicated? I dont know how i feel :-(

[Scout99]

Hi sweet imj72!

I remember your anguish about not receiving any word from you ex bf... .and how you felt like that meant you didn't mean anything to him... .which hardly ever is the truth... .Usually we all mean more than we should, and that creates the foundation for all the havoc that so often come from these relationships... .

I remember you thought then that it would help you move on if you at least got a word from him... .

Now you have... .

And now you know, that is every bit as frustrating and upsetting as not hearing anything and just allow time to diminish the pain and loss... .

This is a tricky one... .I so understand how curious you are now about what it is he means, what he wants, why now... .and so on... .And without knowing why or how, the hope inside you will probably also pour up, (which in all likelihood is the very reason you feel so calm right now... .it's because it releases and relieves a lot of anxiety that has lived in you during this process of letting go)... .

If you reply all those feelings that your body and mind has now been working on letting go will resurface again and take hold of you. And you may have to go through the process again... .Sometimes we need to recycle stuff like that to finally get to a point when we actively choose direction... .Sometimes it is better to just ignore and continue on the chosen path... .

That choice is ultimately yours! So I will not tell you what I would have done.

But take some time and think it through and allow yourself to process all the feelings and thoughts that you have right now, since the reason it feels like you don't know what you want or how you feel is probably because you have conflicting emotions about this and really feel ambivalent... .And that is very frustrating... .So frustrating that our own organism is designed in such a intelligent way, that we will choose one, to rid ourselves of the ambivalence... .By taking your time and sitting down and really ponder over the pros and cons, you will find your way!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Clearmind]

imj72, we have choices. If we respond, we will need to process the emotions that come up! If we ignore we are still needing to process the emotions that come up. So either way it becomes about us!

Scout is right the choice is yours and the outcome can never be assumed or predicted.

I find an email with "Why" interesting and opens up a plethora of possibilities. If you were to respond what you would you say? And what answer would you hope to get?

[gallerykey]

Thankyou for replies. I had started to feel better about it all and then this. However, I dont want this to ruin what i have done and how far i have come. I am not going to reply, if i change my mind then thats fine but for now i feel it will pull me backwards.

Lets face it, the whole 2 + years we were together were constant lies, with no meds and no therapy none of that would of changed and wont ever change so all I will get is more lies. I used to ignore them but now i cant, now i wont as i do know im worth more than that.

Im not perfect, far from it, but i do know i have alot to offer someone in a loving caring r/s and that is what i want (in time ) and if i reply i will be going backwards meaning i am pushing my end goal further away.

Scout99, i think it is the curiosity thats got to me more than it being him as to be honest i dont think of him as such but the sad way it all was. He knows i like to "know" things which is why i always found out his lies so i feel this single word contact was intended to play a game with me as he so often liked to do, i think its his way of having the power and to be honest im not letting him have it any more. His life obviously isnt going as good or as quick with latest partner as he would like so he turning to me? Having time to sit and ponder is something i have lots of, dont seem to go out or do much yet but im quite happy with that, especially as now its getting colder and wet (love uk winters)

Clearmind, the why is interesting and im dying to know what he means by it but i know it will be setting myself up for a fall, i have been so much stronger than i ever thought i would with NC, i thought i wouldnt survive a weekend let alone 9 weeks or so (not even counting anymore ) .

I could only ask what he meant be why, it could be so many different reasons. I dont know what answer i would want to get, at one stage i would want to hear him say hes sorry, he did love me and didnt mean anything that happened but whats the point when it would be lies and i know it would be lies which would hurt me more than hearing his excuses again. 

I need to find some friends to catch up with and move on completely :-)

[ron7127]

Never reply to this type of game playing mind hit.

[gallerykey]

Todays single word of contact is "how"

I dont know if they are chosen words on his behalf or just randon words that would make me think what does he mean by this?

Still not going to reply and luckily as on work email i cant access this all weekend so i cant go looking just to see something from him.

Both times they have been sent very late at night/early morning so guessing these moments hes alone and needs to feel not alone?

I didnt think i would get anything but am sure as now ignored these 2 it will stop and in a strange way that saddens me. Maybe things arent good with his new gf already and hes reaching out to me to soothe but then if they split up when he moves quickly to next gf i will be out of the loop and as much as thats what i want it scares me too, does that even make any sense?

Stomach churning and confused :-(

[turtle]

Isn't it interesting.  One word (a pathetic idea, btw) from him and your stomach is upset and you are churning.

Long ago, something like this would have gotten to me too, but look at it for what it is.  This is NOT communication... .this is BAIT.  He knows this will make you curious. He's counting on it.  Curiosity killed the cat -- don't forget that.

I'm so sorry.  What a ___ty thing he's doing to you.  If he truly wanted to have a real conversation, it wouldn't be one stupid word.   

turtle

[Reg]

Hi Imj72,

Just my two cents on the matter

Recycling -or attempts for- happens with most of the persons with BPD.  There's no classic period of time on this.  I can be hours, days, weeks, months and even years... . It can be direct or undirect.

I know these questions ver well, they have been tried on me as well in the past.  I didn't know anything on the BPD at the time, and responded, only to get hurt even more... .

I think we sometimes have to remind ourselves about these : Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

These beliefs are sometimes what brings us back to our ex partner.  And in fact we know that nothing is going to change, and we are not going to change them.

I think it is very important to place the focuss on your own self, and give yourself the time to heal.

May I ask you, what do you do for your own good and healing after work and in the weekend ?

Take care !

Reg

[gallerykey]

I cannot go back to my ex, i know this as much as it hurts as i only want the good and not the bad from it but as we all know it doesnt work like this.

Reg, that questions hurts me and causes me to cry, as yet i dont think i am doing anything much for me and to help myself. I know i should but i dont have the energy or enthusiasm to actually do anything. Get in from work, do kids dinner (i still cant eat properly and have lost nearly a stone) do washing etc... .then sit on laptop or go to bed and watch tv half heartedly. Its a sad existence i know but i dont know how to get out of the rut. I need help but not very good at asking it. I have one good friend who keeps checking on me and makes sure im okish.

I guess one word doesnt count as communication but to me it was significant.

[myself]

Too bad there are so many words out there, this could go on for quite some time. Can you block his emails? The only 'why' you need to answer really is why you're allowing it to happen. 'How' can you get yourself to a better place? Time and your own efforts will help with healing, and if it upsets you to get these emails, put an end to it. If you feel to send a single word to him (which is up to you and what you feel you need to do, and shouldn't have anything at this point to do with him), just say 'goodbye'. Write it on a piece of paper and flush it down the toilet, same difference. Taking charge of your own life means those who can't step up and have honest loving communication with you will not be a part of it. Does it hurt less to walk away than it would to stay and play these games? I don't mean to sound harsh, I'm going through something close to this right now myself. There is light not only at the end of the tunnel but within the tunnel, all we have to do is keep our eyes open. Please don't let his word(s) get to you, he's gone.

[KE151]

This would be fascinating if it wouldn't be so terrifying. My BPDex no1's recycling attempts (still 19 mos after they still come in about once a month), are much longer emails and texts. I can now read them with sadness for her and her sickness. But I've been where you are now.

"Why" and "how" are brilliantly effective open questions which are great for salespeople and journalists to use when they want to get a person engaged and talking. And in this case targeted to make you open up.

Every contact attempt you'll have successfully avoided will make NC easier to keep and to bear; step by step, slowly but surely. Be careful. Resist the urge!

[Lucky Jim]

Hi imj, I suspect he is throwing out a crumb -- one word! -- just to see if you will pounce on it.  Don't fall for this ploy.  You deserve much better!  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[gallerykey]

Thankyou, thankyou,thankyou! I just felt i really needed some support tonight and as always get it here as no one else understands how 2 such small insignificant words can destroy so much.

I like the writing goodbye and flushing it down the toilet, its all its worth at the end of the day i suppose as hes not worth my time. Its just hard to imagine at my age i will find true happiness and at one point i would of been happy to hold onto anything he threw at me but now see i am worth more than that crumb. I am worth more than a crumb!

Wish i had a switch like him, just flick it and everything is gone and forgotten... .

[KE151]

Wish i had a switch like him, just flick it and everything is gone and forgotten... .

His switch is out of control, and that's a big part of his troubled behavior. We are never gone and forgotten for them, we're just on the backburner. They'll come back when they need to soothe their pain. That's why NC is good, it's for us, to gain traction and strength for that eventuality.

[Learning_curve74]

Every contact attempt you'll have successfully avoided will make NC easier to keep and to bear; step by step, slowly but surely. Be careful. Resist the urge!

Yes! Each time you succeed in not falling for his BS bait you make yourself a little stronger. Step by step. Is your plan to stick to NC? If so, I agree it might be easiest if you can just have his e-mails go directly to trash so you never have to see them.

Happiness is a process, a journey, and as long as you are alive, you are never to old to experience it. Looking back at everything now, do you really think he is a person who can make that journey with you? Or was he really a person holding you back from that journey?

[LetItBe]

Its just hard to imagine at my age i will find true happiness and at one point i would of been happy to hold onto anything he threw at me but now see i am worth more than that crumb. I am worth more than a crumb!

Wish i had a switch like him, just flick it and everything is gone and forgotten... .

Good for you for not responding to his measly breadcrumb.     You really are worth so much more than what he's proven he has the incapacity to give.

I, too, have worried that I won't find someone I want to be with "at my age."  I think that's a belief system that isn't serving me, though, and could keep me stuck in an unhealthy situation if left unchecked.  A couple of days ago, I met a lady whose story reminded me that there is hope.  She's 51 and is celebrating her 2-year anniversary with her husband this weekend.  They are very happy together, and she met him when she wasn't looking, after she'd gotten out of an abusive relationship.  She'd been in other abusive relationships before that, too.  So, that blows our theories about it not being possible to find happiness "at our age" out of the water.  Sometimes, it's good to be proven wrong. 

Hang in there, and like others have said, perhaps it's time to filter his emails so they don't even have the chance to affect you.

[gallerykey]

Tonight i cant even filter my thoughts let alone his emails. Im really struggling, i thought by now i would be feeling stronger, tougher but i really dont feel any better than i did day 1. All i do is cry, feel sorry for myself and walk around in a daze, barely hear what the kids are talking about etc... .I so want to break myself from this but cant do it yet i know he is not real and no good for me so why do i continue to do this to myself? Feeling very angry, hurt and upset at ME not him. I just feel pity for him but cant shake how I am... .

[eeyore]

Tonight i cant even filter my thoughts let alone his emails. Im really struggling, i thought by now i would be feeling stronger, tougher but i really dont feel any better than i did day 1. All i do is cry, feel sorry for myself and walk around in a daze, barely hear what the kids are talking about etc... .I so want to break myself from this but cant do it yet i know he is not real and no good for me so why do i continue to do this to myself? Feeling very angry, hurt and upset at ME not him. I just feel pity for him but cant shake how I am... .

((Hugs)) You are not alone.  We are all sitting next to you giving you moral support.  Much of the time I'm more angry at myself for allowing all the stupid stuff.  All the wasted time. 

[turtle]

imj72 --



I'm sorry you are feeling so deflated.

It's so hard not to get caught up in the "how could they treat me this way" thinking.  The crap they pull is so insulting that it's hard not to be astonished by it and then stay stuck in the astonishment, hurt, anger, etc.  Then... .THEN... .if that's not enough... .we move onto the self blame part where we wallow in "I can't believe I allowed someone to treat me this way."  Personally, I hung out in this place for a very long time.

Cut yourself a little slack right now.  You are hurt. Wounded.  If you were in the hospital recovering from open heart surgery, would you expect yourself to be strong?  This stuff takes time.  And for me, slow, slow turtle that I am... .it seemed to take FOREVER.  Just take one minute at a time, then one hour at a time, then 4 hours at a time, then one day at time.  

Crying is okay.  Cry.  Get it out. If you can remove yourself from your kids for a bit, you might even yell and scream. Hit a pillow. Run around the block shaking your fists.  GET IT OUT!

Pity... .Pity helps no one.  Not you and not him.  Try (and I know it's hard) to shift the focus off of him.  You need to be there for YOU right now and for your kids.

I know this stuff is hard, but it DOES get better - Sadly, that doesn't happen over night. It just hurts until it doesn't.

Hang in there!

turtle

[fiddlestix]

IMJ72,  I feel your pain m'dear.  I have been apart from my ex diagnosed BPD wife for over a year.  She put me through the idealizing recycle mill three months ago.  I am still reeling from that.  we were married for 23 years.  She is still on my mind a lot.  I actually enjoy getting a text from her every now and then.  I know that is dysfunctional.  But when she baits me I at least feel I am still on her radar.  She is currently shacking up with her new "boy toy" (he is 14 years younger, as were many of her other flings).  They may still be in the goo of idealization.  Poor fella; he could be headin' for a whole lotta hurtin'.

Yet, the day after my lawyer contacted her to come in and fill out papers, she texted me.  It had been two months of silence.  Her text was about a repair for our son's car, and her father's health... .nothing to do with us or the impending divorce.  Part of me thinks that she texted me just to see if I would still respond to her, as I always had (I did not respond).  I have ALWAYS been her whipping boy.  Perhaps when she heard from my lawyer she realized that I have finally had enough of her nonsense, and she wants to know if I will still be around... .just in case her new fling doesn't pan out (as countless others have not).  She may be scared that I have indeed stood up for myself. 

Yep, I still get a little ego boost when she "tests" me.  I know that is sick.  I am healing, but not there yet.  I spent a lot of years in the relationship (over 25 as a couple, known her for 34).  Detox will take me a while. 

IMJ72, sadly, your ex probably does not give a crap about your feelings.  He is testing you to see if you will still be there for him.  He is looking out for himself, as usual, not you.  All of this messes with our minds, hearts, egos... .our lives!  Dammit!  I want my life back, and I know you do too   I am sorry for your rough weekend my friend. 

Fiddlestix

[fiddlestix]

By the way, Turtle, you are spot on:  "It just hurts until it doesn't."  Brilliant.  No magic, just hard work and time.  Consistent self care and pampering, along with rigorous No Contact, will do 80% of the healing.  And, over time the sting fades a bit.  I do not have many posts on here, but I have been through this mill so many times with my BPD ex wife that I am somewhat of an "expert."  The fact that I allowed myself to be recycled so many times testifies to my weakness and foolishness as well.  That woman has a spell on me.  But, consistent self care is revealing a new day dawning in my life. 

"It just hurts until it doesn't."  Again, brilliant Turtle. 

Fiddlestix

[Emelie Emelie]

By the way, Turtle, you are spot on:  "It just hurts until it doesn't."

Fiddlestix

Yes... .spot on.  Simple but true.  And hopeful.  That the hurting will stop someday.

[FindingMe2011]

I could only ask what he meant be why, it could be so many different reasons. I dont know what answer i would want to get, at one stage i would want to hear him say hes sorry, he did love me and didnt mean anything that happened but whats the point when it would be lies and i know it would be lies which would hurt me more than hearing his excuses again.

It was utterly amazing to see another human being, to speak about an emotion, but yet obviously, was unable to feel it, ( for any length of time ). Its a very difficult illness, and would further confirm, just how far apart we really were.

I need to find some friends to catch up with and move on completely :-)

Not sure how catching up with friends, equates to moving on ? Maybe just sit with the emotions, this brings and let the true healing begin. You deserve this. There are many here for you, that have been where you are... .I wish you well, PEACE