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Author Topic: Well, day 7 of NC  (Read 1007 times)
Eric1
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« Reply #30 on: September 16, 2013, 11:20:06 AM »

She checked out mentally before she decieded to leave the relationship. She already had another bloke lined up, which i assume she's still seeing. I was obviously still in love, so it came as more of a shock, but i'm better now than what i was. It all takes time, just sometimes wish it would hurry up so i'd stop thinking about her.
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Eric1
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« Reply #31 on: September 16, 2013, 11:40:45 AM »

Turned my phone on, no replies. I don't know what I was expecting. It wasn't a text that warranted a reply as i didn't ask questions, but it's obvious she's now just ignoring me.

Feel really bad. I'm gutted with myself. All back to the beginning.
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seeking balance
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« Reply #32 on: September 16, 2013, 01:25:35 PM »

All back to the beginning.

Not really the beginning if you learned something - what did you learn about yourself?

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Eric1
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« Reply #33 on: September 16, 2013, 01:44:16 PM »

I've learnt that I don't like being ignored  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

But, personal issues that I've learnt since the break up... .

I was insecure and allowed jealousy to get the better of me.

She relied on me making her happy and vis versa, which you can only be happy if you're happy with yourself. I still need to work on this because I have days when I'm miserable.

I didn't communicate well enough or express my feelings. Which led to arguments and lack of boundaries. I also allowed my temper to rise rather than dealing with conflicts.

I offer great value and am likeable. She made me feel worthless at times, and I have no reason to be.

I don't deal with break ups very well. I still have feelings for her and contact just ruins me. I feel like contacting again, just to get a response. But, that would be daft.

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« Reply #34 on: September 16, 2013, 01:57:17 PM »

what have you learned about you specific to this latest attempt by you to connect?
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Eric1
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« Reply #35 on: September 16, 2013, 02:09:36 PM »

That I'm not ready for any type of contact. I can't deal with the rejection all over again.
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« Reply #36 on: September 16, 2013, 02:34:57 PM »

That I'm not ready for any type of contact. I can't deal with the rejection all over again.

That is a good gauge for you.

so next time - how could you see yourself handling it differently?
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Eric1
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« Reply #37 on: September 16, 2013, 02:36:41 PM »

I can't contact again.

I've also realised i really miss talking to her, which does me no favours.
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« Reply #38 on: September 16, 2013, 03:22:17 PM »

I can't contact again.

what will you DO next time you Feel like it - there will be a next time, having a plan in place is really good.

I've also realised i really miss talking to her, which does me no favours.

well, what exactly do you miss about talking to her?
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Eric1
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« Reply #39 on: September 16, 2013, 03:51:06 PM »

I don't know. I feel like contacting already, but I'm just remembering how I felt when I got to reply.

Because I like hearing about what's happening with her & I want to tell her what's new with me. I miss making her laugh.
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seeking balance
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« Reply #40 on: September 16, 2013, 03:56:03 PM »

I don't know. I feel like contacting already, but I'm just remembering how I felt when I got to reply.

well, contacting her didn't make you feel better - why do you think you want to do it again now?  Can you see how this may be addiction like?

Many times, it can help to replace that feeling with some other form of self-soothing... .do you run, paint, meditate - anything you enjoy that can help distract?

Because I like hearing about what's happening with her & I want to tell her what's new with me. I miss making her laugh.

Who is your 2nd choice to do these things with?  Can you contact that person and ask if they will be your "breakup buddy"?
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Eric1
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« Reply #41 on: September 16, 2013, 04:27:35 PM »

I go the gym, but I can only do so much. It's the time at work as well. I just sit there thinking about her, obviously I do work, but it's not the greatest distraction. My work has slackened off as well.

I know I need to stay no contact, otherwise I will never fully get over her. I just need to pull myself together and deal with it.

I think ive done enough to push her away, so I won't be getting any contact back from her.
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eeyore
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« Reply #42 on: September 16, 2013, 07:11:15 PM »

I know I need to stay no contact, otherwise I will never fully get over her. I just need to pull myself together and deal with it.

It's difficult but you can do it. 
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Eric1
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« Reply #43 on: September 17, 2013, 02:39:15 AM »

When I first started going out with my ex, my ex from a previous relationship tried contacting me via text and email wanting to catch up etc. I told me ex about this & then told my ex ex that it was inapropriate for us to be in contact because i'm in a new relationship.

My ex is seeing someone now. Obviously ignoring me is a good option. But, wouldn't it be better if she told me "Please dont contact me as i'm seeing someone etc"?

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Scout99
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« Reply #44 on: September 17, 2013, 04:02:04 AM »

My ex is seeing someone now. Obviously ignoring me is a good option. But, wouldn't it be better if she told me "Please dont contact me as i'm seeing someone etc"?

Well... .Of course in the best of worlds other people would always know how best to treat us at the exact right time and never make bad choices themselves... .But in reality we are all only human... .And will react according to our own maturity level and mental health... .

So the truth is if we depend on other people to treat us right, we will get disappointed over and over aging... .Which is why we need to learn to make choices to act and react in ways that helps ourselves to cope as best as we can regardless of how other people choose to act and react towards us... .

This is why seeking balance, who is now actually offering you some very useful help here, is trying to ask you questions about your own pattern of action and reaction, offering you an opportunity to shift focus from her, and what you would wish for her to do in order for you to feel better - to you, and what you could do in order for you to feel better... .

I know you wish for that "button" to push that will sort of magically make all the uncomfortable feelings to go away... .But such a button, as you know, doesn't exist... .Working through the pain and learning what actions to take in order for uncomfortable feelings to be able to fade exists however. But you, as we all, must choose to walk that path by ourselves... .We can't make anyone else do that for us either... .Even though we all would want to... .

So go back and look at seeking b's questions again... .And try them out! Smiling (click to insert in post)

But first you need to stop beating yourself up for the incidents where you broke your NC... .NC is at all times your choice, and so is breaking it. So there is no one who wants or needs to punish you for it... .So you shouldn't either... .You always have another chance to choose to go NC. Always!

Best Wishes

Scout99
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Eric1
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« Reply #45 on: September 17, 2013, 04:18:10 AM »

As posted somewhere else, which describes how i am to a tee.

I need my heart to catch up with my head.

My head says run for the hills, you've had a lucky escape and you deserve better.

My heart still loves her.

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StandUpGuy

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« Reply #46 on: September 17, 2013, 04:42:27 AM »

Totally know how you feel. I'm right there with you. We split up (again, maybe the 7th time) about a week ago. My last contact was about 12 hours ago and it was Awful! Her roommate (by that I mean "friend who is letting her crash and hasn't yet kicked her out) told me that she thought we broke up a week before we actually did, because my girl was bringing another dude around that whole week.  Now I can't tell her that her roommate said that (she's the only one who knows and 'promised' not to tell) because it would just cause unnecessary drama, but I just want her to Admit that she was cheating on me. But instead I just kept it generic saying things like "you're not being truthful with me and it hurts" but of course that does nothing but make her call me crazy for thinking she's lying about Anything ever.

I've been trying to stick with the whole NC thing (no contact, for people like me who didn't know what it meant) but its tough. As of an hour or so ago I blocked her on twitter and FB. I can't block calls or texts and I need my phone for work so I can't just turn it off or change the number so she still texts me daily. Ranging from "I miss you" to "you're the worst person in the world".  What hurts so much though is that I "know" that she's sending me these texts in between rounds of flirty texts, sexts, and probably actual sex with other guys. She obviously won't admit any of that to me, but, I fee it.  But I also still feel such deep love, and still have that ridiculous idea that if she just got the right amount of help and stopped doing this and started doing that that she would be so perfect.   

It's hard, bro. I feel your pain.

I think comedian Roy Woods Jr said it best:

"Sometimes... .you just gotta let the b**ch drown!"
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Eric1
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« Reply #47 on: September 17, 2013, 05:05:06 AM »

We're in the same boat, mate. Mine carried on calling me when she was seeing this new bloke. I stupidly told her i still had feelings for her, which then turned into a "we need to delete each others numbers and not contact"

I've broke it a few times, but i'm dead set now. I can't break it again. It doesn't help, it doesn't make me feel better & it just prolongs the pain.

With the improvements i've made & what i've learned, i feel like things would be different. But, Has she changed? I don't know. My head tells me that i can never get back with her again, but getting back together is all my heart wants to do.

We need to treat them like they are poison.
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Scout99
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« Reply #48 on: September 17, 2013, 05:58:42 AM »

As posted somewhere else, which describes how i am to a tee.

I need my heart to catch up with my head.

My head says run for the hills, you've had a lucky escape and you deserve better.

My heart still loves her.

Yes! And this is where this important little word "acceptance" comes in.

What you need to do right now is to accept that your head and your heart are not fully in line right now at this point... .It is really ok to feel like that. Because it will not stay that way forever! It will eventually change, when you let it... .

This is what learning to stay in and cope with discomfort means... .It is through suffering times like this that we learn, evolve and mature as human beings! It is universal and it is something we all get faced with at times in our lives.

A word on treating her as if she is poison... .An alternative to that thought can be:

I create poison for myself when I give in to my heart, when I know I need to go with my head in this particular situation... .

It is about you, not her... .And as uncomfortable as that may feel... .That is really your help and best friend right now... .

Best Wishes

Scout99
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« Reply #49 on: September 17, 2013, 06:36:19 AM »

My ex is seeing someone now. Obviously ignoring me is a good option. But, wouldn't it be better if she told me "Please dont contact me as i'm seeing someone etc"?

She already knows that you know she is seeing someone else, so no need to tell you.  I would also bet that she is using the fact that you called and have sent messages in the past few weeks as a means to advertise to her new guy about what a great catch she is, since there is someone (you) that really misses her.  And therefore try to make this guy believe that he is so lucky to have her.  I would say that if she breaks up with this guy, that she will be looking for contact with you again, unless someone new turns up.  Until she has been "abandoned" by this guy and has nowhere else to turn, you will not hear from her.
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Eric1
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« Reply #50 on: September 17, 2013, 06:42:30 AM »

My ex is seeing someone now. Obviously ignoring me is a good option. But, wouldn't it be better if she told me "Please dont contact me as i'm seeing someone etc"?

She already knows that you know she is seeing someone else, so no need to tell you.  I would also bet that she is using the fact that you called and have sent messages in the past few weeks as a means to advertise to her new guy about what a great catch she is, since there is someone (you) that really misses her.  And therefore try to make this guy believe that he is so lucky to have her.  I would say that if she breaks up with this guy, that she will be looking for contact with you again, unless someone new turns up.  Until she has been "abandoned" by this guy and has nowhere else to turn, you will not hear from her.

Thats what i've been thinking. Even though she was in contact with me whilst she was seeing him, but it obviously wasn't going to work. When we last spoke, she did say 'speak to you soon'. I really need NC, if she doesn't contact me, then it will be of benifit to me, but like scout said, i need to do this for myself now.

I just have to wait for my heart to catch up.

Unless he breaks up with her, she won't end it till she has someone else lined up, i expect.
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« Reply #51 on: September 17, 2013, 06:53:20 AM »

Yes, it will take time.  I went through something very similar a few years ago.  I think I had 2 or 3 blips at the start of NC but eventually went the whole hog.  She tried contacting the odd time also, but I knew it was most likely when things were failing with one of the many new guys.  I gave no encouragement to her at all.  I saw her again 6 years after we finished and still found her attractive of course and part of me wanted her to feel the same about me but deep down I did not really care.  I am so glad that I never stuck around.  She is married just a few months now.  Good luck to her husband. 

And good luck to you with your NC. YOu can do it.
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willbegood
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« Reply #52 on: September 17, 2013, 07:34:13 AM »

Hey Eric I'm right there with you. Want to contact but know I shouldn't. I also decided I needed to take some time off from drinking because at some point one of those drinks will talk you into calling or texting. And of course we feel the need to text in the morning... .

Mine had another guy lined up 3 or 4 times now. It's what they do. If she's with another man while she's with you. And if she starts talking to you when she's with her new man. It's pretty obvious that's what she'd continue to do if you get back together with her.

I also realize my ex doesn't think about me when she's with her new man. She's in the honeymoon phase. It doesn't mean she didn't care about me. It's just the way she is. Soon enough the honeymoon phase will start to wear off. And she'll either be causing a fight with her new man to get back into honeymoon phase or she'll find something on the side to fulfill that desire.

I also thought I wasn't communicating enough or knowing I could do something that would make her happy. It doesn't work. As you change something to suit her she'll change her tactics. It's a vicious circle that never ends.

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Eric1
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« Reply #53 on: September 17, 2013, 08:22:17 AM »

Hey Eric I'm right there with you. Want to contact but know I shouldn't. I also decided I needed to take some time off from drinking because at some point one of those drinks will talk you into calling or texting. And of course we feel the need to text in the morning... .

Mine had another guy lined up 3 or 4 times now. It's what they do. If she's with another man while she's with you. And if she starts talking to you when she's with her new man. It's pretty obvious that's what she'd continue to do if you get back together with her.

I also realize my ex doesn't think about me when she's with her new man. She's in the honeymoon phase. It doesn't mean she didn't care about me. It's just the way she is. Soon enough the honeymoon phase will start to wear off. And she'll either be causing a fight with her new man to get back into honeymoon phase or she'll find something on the side to fulfill that desire.

I also thought I wasn't communicating enough or knowing I could do something that would make her happy. It doesn't work. As you change something to suit her she'll change her tactics. It's a vicious circle that never ends.

Makes perfect sense. I had to tell my ex about the honeymoon stage, because she didn't know what was happening when the relationship goes to the next stage. She idolized me, then de-valued me.

My issue is, i beleive, because she mentioned about her rages after we broke up, that she realises what she does. I'm worried she will be different with the new bloke and it will work out.

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willbegood
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« Reply #54 on: September 17, 2013, 09:32:15 AM »

Realizing and doing is easier said than done. You realize you shouldn't contact her and you do. I'd say not on tasting her is much easier than what she's dealing with.

They also say things you want to hear. So you never know. I'm to the point anytime my ex says something I actually wanted to hear, it's a lie.
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willbegood
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« Reply #55 on: September 17, 2013, 09:33:19 AM »

*not contacting her


Is there an edit button I'm missing?
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« Reply #56 on: September 17, 2013, 09:36:03 AM »

Dear Eric,

    The idea that the pwBPD will be different with the next person is a very common fear that has been discussed at length a number of times on this site.  To find the discussions just use the keyword search function.  I believe this thinking (I'm no expert, mind you) is a part of the bargaining phase of accepting the 'death' of the r/s.  We want to imagine they are better or are at least starting down the path to getting better because THEN it would make perfect sense for us to re-engage.  It's actually a very clever way for our brains to both accept the logical conclusion that the pwBPD actually has BPD and to simultaneously justify the reasoning that we should run to her.  Eric, you need to see this for what it is; you're trying to get back with her despite your best efforts and this is just a ploy your own mind is using on you.  

    The truth is that no one with BPD gets better from this without a long time in therapy and a lot of hard work on their part.  Otherwise, this is just 'magical' thinking. She isn't likely to ever get better (mine hasn't in the 30 years I've known her).  The only one who can get better, actually, is you.  Bargaining is part of adjusting to the idea of letting this completely fake r/s go.  You can, eventually, be free to have a real r/s with someone who will be even more exciting and interesting because she'll be real and won't just be reflecting your image back to you. Keep your eye on this prize.

LT

   
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Eric1
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« Reply #57 on: September 17, 2013, 09:53:18 AM »

I know that when I find someone who I love and loves me, who i can laugh with and enjoy good times with, then my ex will be a distant memory. It's happened in the past, so I know it can happen in the future.

About her changing, I keep on telling myself that she isn't really BPD. She displayed the traits, but I'm in the mindset that maybe I was looking for an excuse and reason for what I went through.

Maybe it was me... .
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« Reply #58 on: September 17, 2013, 10:09:02 AM »

I keep on telling myself that she isn't really BPD. She displayed the traits, but I'm in the mindset that maybe I was looking for an excuse and reason for what I went through.

Maybe it was me... .

Her traits, your abandonment issues = unhealthy dynamic, plain and simple.

Eric - how are you doing focusing on your core issues that have gotten you to this place?  Have you checked out the Personal Inventory board or do you have a T you are working with?
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Eric1
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« Reply #59 on: September 17, 2013, 10:29:07 AM »

From this description (www.yourtango.com/experts/johanna-lyman/do-you-have-abandonment-issues) I don't have abandonment issues, I am 'You can't do enough for your partner, and you're a giver. You don't understand why he doesn't appreciate you' though. I loved her, plain and simple. I'm still idolizing what I thought we would have & achieve. Hence the necessity of NC, to help me detach.

I don't have a therapist as I cant afford one.

I'm learning everyday about myself, who i am, what I brought to the relationship, what I done to cause issues in the relationship and i'm working on them.
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