Well, day 7 of NC

[Eric1]

Well, day 7 of NC today. This is the longest i've gone without either reaching out to her, or her contacting me. I struggled a few days ago & thought i would break it, however i stayed strong. I still miss her & at times, i hope she'll contact me so i know that i'm not completely forgotten. But, day 8 tomorrow. Lets get into double figures!

[Aussie0zborn]

Well done. Wishing you plenty of strength. Please don't let her not contacting you ruin it for you. What are you doing to keep your vigilance up and not crumble?

[Eric1]

I knew she was seeing someone, whether she still is, i don't know. But, I keep telling myself that i can't boost her ego by contacting her because she completely sh@ at me and i'm better than that. Also, i know that i need NC to truly move on.

It's really, really hard, i won't lie. I have my weak moments, and then times I tell myself, ah, just drop her a message, see how she is. I know it won't help, so i don't.

I still miss her, but i have to do this for me now.

[Validation78]

 

Hi Eric!

It's alright to struggle. It's very typical. I'm glad to see you making progress and doing what is best for your healthy well being!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Eric1]

It's worrying as each day I move on further, which she will be too. And, part of me doesn't want it to happen.

I'm going to be forgotten & I don't want it happening.

Wierd, i know.

[wrigley52]

I think its normal to have these feelings! Hang in there! It does get easier! You have wonderful support on this board. Ihave NC for 6 weeks it has been hard but i know its for the best!

[Eric1]

And now i'm having a weak moment. I assume she's still seeing this new bloke and is probably got a fun weekend planned with him. I want to talk to her, i shouldn't, but i do.

[seeking balance]

Well, day 7 of NC today. This is the longest i've gone without either reaching out to her, or her contacting me. I struggled a few days ago & thought i would break it, however i stayed strong. I still miss her & at times, i hope she'll contact me so i know that i'm not completely forgotten. But, day 8 tomorrow. Lets get into double figures!

Good Job Eric - Let yourself feel proud of the self discipline you have shown.

The feelings - missing her, etc... .that's all normal and ok, but right now - focus on the FACTS.  The FACTS are, letting yourself detach through NC, you will start to feel better and better in the big picture.

Cheers 

[Mutt]

And now i'm having a weak moment. I assume she's still seeing this new bloke and is probably got a fun weekend planned with him. I want to talk to her, i shouldn't, but i do.

I'm day 9 of MC (minimal contact due to kids) and I know the feeling. My wife was having an affair in our marriage for the last year , together for 8 and married for 5, and POOF! left and is still with the affair partner.

Hurts like hell, but MC has really cleared my mind. It's the only way to go.

I have had a couple of days in the last 9 that were rough due to rumination and thinking about her and the other man. It's tough but it goes away and I eventually felt better. Stay strong and if you falter don't be hard on yourself Eric1!

[simplyasiam]

i made it 14 days of n/c then replied to a message she has sent the week before. she moved out almost 6 months ago spent the summer being pulled/jumpimg back in.

at one point i made it 32 days of n/c before running into her by chance. we had both changed our number and had eachother blocked in everyway. looking back that was better becouse i knew she coundnt call or txt at will. now know that im not blocked and we know each others numbers wears on me.

would so ez to txt her but would just lead to same thing again. i miss her and her kids so much at time i wish she would break again and call me but ive been very to the point with her last few times ive talked to her that she needs help before we can talk and im not good with talking to her when we both are seeing other ppl. her cheating was alot of what broke us ill not have part in doing that. i hope by making a stand with her and not backing down she will get help or stay away

[Eric1]

It's really though. I know I need to carry on, but there's times when I think, maybe if I just send her one message... .Thing is, I know nothing will come of it & I'll be in a worse position.

I know everyone talks about being recycled or having them reach out to us. I'd be happy to take anything, just so I know she's thinking about me.

[Reg]

Eric,

As I'm getting to understand the borderline mind a bit better, every day, thanks to what I read on this board and hear from others in the same situation I can tell you this.

No your ex partner has not forgotten about you.  It doesn't mean because they have borderline that they will say it never happened, that there was no relationship, and they suffer in their own particular way as we do in our own way.  But it is not in a healthy way.

I get the impression that this is what you need to hear, and I'm not saying this because you want to hear this, but because it is a fact.

A fact is also, and you know it, more and more every day, I enjoy reading what you say, that you are slowly detaching.  You're on the right track.  It's not an easy one, but the right one, and it's time to think about you.  Just you.

You, who knows, that contact is not going to improve things for yourself.  You who knows that you are not going to change them.  And the same you who knows how hard it is to change yourself.

Don't forget about that !   You have one supportive family over here.  Contact that family whenever you feel the need for it !

Take care !

Reg

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Eric,

     If only they would forget you!  I can tell you that I went total n/c with my pwBPD for 30 years and then started working with her again.  To say she remembers me would be a gross understatement.  The thing is, what you want (me too) is validation that she knows you really loved her and that she really loved you just as she stated she did.  We will never get that, my friend, because it just isn't so.  You were not the meaningless used tissue you may feel like right now, but you also weren't the love of her life.  She doesn't have a love of her life, even though she genuinely feels every guy she kisses is he.  The somewhat stranger truth is that she really wasn't (despite what you feel right now) the love of your life.  She was a manufactured facsimile of some aspects of that person you probably haven't met yet, but still less than that woman will be. 

     I know you don't believe this and it's OK.  You're very early in the process of understanding and I'm fairly late, so it's natural that we see things differently.  The good pert of the three decades of space I've had is that I really get to see whether what is written on these boards stays true over the years in a very high functioning undiagnosed example.  OMG.  You can't even imagine how classically BPD 'my' pwBPD still is and how deeply I realize that I would have had decades of complete pain if I had gotten the wish you still feel so fervently in your soul -- the chance to be her choice on a long(er) term basis.  I say long(er) term as no r/s is ever long term with these folks.  Ever.  'My' pwBPD has had so many husbands, children, affairs, drama, etc. in the intervening years (n/c doesn't mean I didn't get information about her) it just all adds up to a very sad story that I missed being a much deeper player in.  I've used the term 'dodging a bullet' loosely, like most people to describe minor calamities I avoided.  This feels a whole lot more like actually dodging a real bullet --except I can't take any credit for the dodging part as I really wanted to dodge nothing.

LT

[Scout99]

Nice going Eric1! You are making progress even though it doesn't feel like it! So keep staying the course regardless of how you feel right now, you are doing very well!

At this point the best thing to hold on to is that slogan... .just do it... .

Like Lao Tzu said, you haven't yet met the love of your life yet... .That is a good thing to look forward to!

Take Care buddy!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Eric1]

The problem is, Lao, that I keep fighting that she isn't BPD. That it was me that caused her to react and be the way she was. Whether it was me not listening, setting boundaries, losing my temper etc, maybe just maybe, if these hasn't have happened then things could have been different.

I can see her trying her hardest to make her new relationship work because she wouldn't want to have lost both me and this new bloke. She's the strongest she's been with regards to not contacting, but I expect that's because she's monkey branched to the new bloke.

[Eric1]

Scenario,

If they do never contact us again & there next relationship works and they're happy. Does that mean that they aren't BPD?

Is it us that causes the problems?

Day 8 NC. Feel like ___.

[Learning_curve74]

The problem is, Lao, that I keep fighting that she isn't BPD. That it was me that caused her to react and be the way she was. Whether it was me not listening, setting boundaries, losing my temper etc, maybe just maybe, if these hasn't have happened then things could have been different.

I can see her trying her hardest to make her new relationship work because she wouldn't want to have lost both me and this new bloke.

You're telling yourself a story to upset yourself. It's ok because it's a story we've read over and over on this board. You feel that you could've done better on your part and now she's gone and found somebody else that will and they'll have your "happily ever after".

"Happily ever after" is only in fairy tales, and that's EXACTLY what this story in your head is: Pure fiction. The true story is that you were looking to her to make you whole and she was looking to you too make her whole. This is unhealthy and not a great basis for ANY long term relationship, especially when one partner is seriously mentally ill with BPD.

Even if she is not BPD, what are the facts? She was abusive, violent, and manipulative. Is this really the kind of person you truly believe is your "soulmate"? A person who treats you terribly much of the time? A person who crushes your soul? Is this what you believe you truly deserve? Is your sense of self-worth that low that you choose to confuse abuse with love?

This is something you have to work out for yourself. The problem is you're being distracted by her, and that's why NC is such a powerful tool for working on yourself. It gives you time and space to work on your own issues without the distractions. You need to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself because these are obviously two things she'll never do for you! Best wishes. 

[Eric1]

Thanks, learning curve. I don't need anyone to make me whole, I want someone to add value to my life. I still think i'm caught up thinking she was right for me, when it's obvious she wasn't.

I'm determind to get into double figures on NC. It would be the longest either of us have not heard from each other!

[Scout99]

Scenario,

If they do never contact us again & there next relationship works and they're happy. Does that mean that they aren't BPD?

Is it us that causes the problems?

Day 8 NC. Feel like ___.

No, it doesn't... .And no it isn't.  First of all if you look around the boards here you will find plenty of examples where non partners have been struggling for years to make their relationships with pw BPD work and still the relationships fail and break down eventually. Also among the relationships that do stand the test of time among the members here, you will find that it has not come without huge sacrifices made by the non partners... .

Being able to be in a relationship with a pw BPD takes that you as a partner is extremely stable and balanced yourself, since you cannot look for support or validation from your partner since they are incapable of giving that to anyone due to their disorder. Being a partner to a pw BPD means accepting the role of a care giver. Being accepting of all their negative traits such as constant break ups, flirting and or cheating with others to seek validation, dealing with rage and mood swings, and never take it personally... .It often also means be the sole part responsible for the household, children, economy just to name a few of the things partners of pw BPD have to be able to cope with... .

Things like that is very hard to ask from anyone. And if we as non's are sensitive and look for idealization and passion and need to feel secure and loved by our partners, all of which are perfectly normal and good things to look for in a relationship, then being in a relationship with a pw BPD will be devastating... .

Try to bring focus back to you again, and just stay the course. You are doing great, and these feelings you keep having about her will subside when you give them time to... .It is ok that it feels like it sucks right now. It won't feel like that forever.  

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Eric1]

I'm staying on course & am determined to see this through now.

I do need to stop punishing myself with thoughts of what she's doing and who shes with.

The only flip side, is she doesn't know what i'm doing either. Whether she cares or not, is of no relevance.

[eeyore]

good job keep inspiring others!

[Eric1]

I broke it. Got really drunk and ended up calling her at 4am.

Don't know if I should text to apologise.

Such an idiot.

[Learning_curve74]

I broke it. Got really drunk and ended up calling her at 4am.

Don't know if I should text to apologise.

Such an idiot.

It's okay man... .you're ok to feel like an idiot, we all make mistakes! This is only a little blip. I don't believe texting an apology to her serves any purpose other than soothing your guilty feelings. If you do want to text an apology, the shortest matter of fact text is best in my opinion.

The biggest negatives about texting her are twofold. If she replies you may find yourself replying back and getting into an unneeded dialogue. If she doesn't reply then you'll be feeling bad and ruminating about why she doesn't. It's a lose-lose situation. Believe me, I know what that's like... . 

Hang in there. I turned to drinking too and the good people here reminded me that alcohol is a depressant, something I didn't need any extra help with. I try not to drink to excess and when I have the urge to, I try to do it with friends who will keep me out of trouble.

Be good to yourself and take care of yourself.  

[Eric1]

I can't just pretend it was an accident either, because I called 3 times.

I might just drop her a message, but it would just be stating the obvious.

[seeking balance]

I can't just pretend it was an accident either, because I called 3 times.

I might just drop her a message, but it would just be stating the obvious.

Eric,

So, you did something stupid and drunk dialed - most of us have done it - let it go and forgive yourself.

Dropping her a message is you truly wanting contact - if you do - that is fine, just be very clear that there is absolutely NO response from her that is going to make your own pain go away.  As such, rather than feeling the pain of the grief - you are creating some distraction to feel an easier emotion for you... .

It's ok, many of us have walked this path - I wish there was something besides pain that makes us change our actions... .this is where we are not much different than pwBPD regarding maladaptive coping to pain.

Be good to YOU Eric - if you are not treating you well, who will?

Peace,

SB

[Scout99]

I can't just pretend it was an accident either, because I called 3 times.

I might just drop her a message, but it would just be stating the obvious.

Hi Eric1!

You know what... .no one here is going to stop you if you want to continue having this attachment to this girl who is causing you so much stress and grief, if that is what you are hellbent on doing... .So if you want to keep calling her in the middle of the night and then the next day use those incidents as excuses to send her texts afterwards, to do everything you can to make her respond... .Then feel free to do so!

It is your choice!

The only thing we here do is share with you that such actions will in the end cause more grief and stress and tormented emotions for you... .And cheer you on when you make up your mind about keeping NC and staying true to a course that most of us here know from experience is the best thing for us when we feel stressed and tormented by an unhealthy relationship situation... .

But which ever you choose in every situation is still going to be your choice! And nobody here is going to post blame on you for whatever it is you do choose. It is your life, and your pain and ultimately it is you who have to make up your mind on whether you want to continue having this pain, or if you want to work your way out of it... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

PS; as I write this I see seeking balance has written an almost identical post... .well well different words but same message... .Maybe it will serve you anyway... .

[Eric1]

I broke it. Got really drunk and ended up calling her at 4am.

Don't know if I should text to apologise.

Such an idiot.

It's okay man... .you're ok to feel like an idiot, we all make mistakes! This is only a little blip. I don't believe texting an apology to her serves any purpose other than soothing your guilty feelings. If you do want to text an apology, the shortest matter of fact text is best in my opinion.

The biggest negatives about texting her are twofold. If she replies you may find yourself replying back and getting into an unneeded dialogue. If she doesn't reply then you'll be feeling bad and ruminating about why she doesn't. It's a lose-lose situation. Believe me, I know what that's like... . 

Hang in there. I turned to drinking too and the good people here reminded me that alcohol is a depressant, something I didn't need any extra help with. I try not to drink to excess and when I have the urge to, I try to do it with friends who will keep me out of trouble.

Be good to yourself and take care of yourself. 

I was with friends, but it was at the end of the night as i was on my way home that i called. I think it's for the best that i take a sabatical from drinking. 1. It makes me feel like crap the following day, and as i write this, i'm feeling pretty low. 2. It will prevent any relapses in my NC.

So, NC starts again today. I did text her, saying sorry if the calls woke her up. I turned my phone off and havn't turned it back on since. So, i don't know if she's replied.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Eric,

     We all do only what we can and when we can.  You must expect 'backsliding', at least emotionally, on a somewhat regular basis; it's part of the process.

LT

[Eric1]

I'm dissapointed in myself because I reached a milestone in my NC, but these things happen. What I am kicking myself for is the fact that she now knows i have been thinking about her. She would have known i was drunk, which is a mild excuse in itself.

She didn't attempt to contact me the following day, and i still haven't switched my phone on after sending the text. How sad am i?

Break ups really do allow you to look at yourself, because i needed to make improvements and changes.

She must think i'm nuts.

[Lao Tzu]

Eric,

     I'd be careful not to assume a pwBPD thinks about your r/s in the same way you do.  I would venture that she's pleased (happy would be the wrong term) to be involved in 'drama' and that you're currently on the line with her.  That's just fine; she doesn't have a clue about the actual vast changes you have made in yourself and will continue to make.  (This minor slip will only serve to strengthen your resolve for the future -- as will other slips you should expect in the future) The truth is that what she thinks or doesn't think doesn't matter in the least.  What you think is what is important, and your thinking has the smell of success for yourself, if you ask me.

LT