Realization.

[Ironmanrises]

In round 2 of my relationship with my exUBPDgf... .

When the devaluation started... .

And the missiles started being launched at me... .

I have asked myself these questions... .

Why didn't I leave the relationship right then and there?

Why did I allow all that toxic upheaval to be unhurled at me?

Then a realization hit me... .

Watching the movie Braveheart(with Mel Gibson)... .About a Scottish hero... .

There was a line uttered by the future leader of Scotland... .

when asked to look at his own interests ahead of everyone elses(including that of Mel Gibsons character William Wallace whom he betrayed)... .

"I don't want to lose heart."

There.

That is why I didn't leave.

I didn't want to lose heart.

I felt like I was going to abandon her... .

In essence... .I was going to lose my heart in the process.

I couldn't do that to someone I cared about.

So I allowed the emotional abuse to continue.

At the expense of my heart.

Codependency?

Yes.

A sad truth.

One that I am trying to rectify.

I have to put my own interests first.

Not easy to accept.

[snappafcw]

That's why I didn't want to leave... .I didn't want to let her down. But not only did she let me down even worse I let myself down. I never want to be in this situation again.

[Ironmanrises]

Snap,

You compromised yourself in the process.

As did I.

Twice.

[heartandwhole]

That's what hurt the most - what I did to myself.  I ignored what I wanted and needed.  I pushed myself aside, hoping that my actions would keep his love, which I had convinced myself I so desperately needed.  I didn't want to abandon pwBPD, after all he had gone through, and yet, I abandoned myself regularly.

What did I have to give when I wasn't even there? 

[Ironmanrises]

Snap,

Hang in there.

Heart,

We end up betraying ourselves.

[huhhuh]

What I don't get is why don't THEY leave? The devaluation period must be painful for them too?

I get the fact that they like to have a source who worship them and gives them attention. In the devaluation period I tried harder and harder to make it work and she just made less and less effort but still stayed... I don't get that.

Why didn't she just break it off at that point if she didn't want to stay in relationship with me. A normal person would have done that. Why did she have to find a new source before discarding me. I have problems understanding that part.

[Ironmanrises]

Huh,

They don't leave at that point cause they are disordered.

My exUBPDgf attention shifted to her BFF and mother in devaluation period.

I couldn't tell if there was another guy.

I do know that in idealization... .

That same BFF and mother were not getting that attention from her.

She had them painted black... .

Complained to me that she thought they were going to abandon her.

When devaluation started... .

Those complaints stopped... .

They were no longer going to abandon her... .

That is when she started to abandon me.

And literally all her attention went to them.

[huhhuh]

Ironmanfalls: Same story here. In the beginning she hated her friends and said bad things about them. And I got all attention from her. Then it shifted and I got no attention and they got all. Yet she kept on going with the relationship until she found my replacement.

[Ironmanrises]

Huh,

I am truly sorry you experienced that.

I know how much that hurts.

So much destruction in their wake.

[mcc503764]

Why didn't she just break it off at that point if she didn't want to stay in relationship with me. A normal person would have done that. Why did she have to find a new source before discarding me. I have problems understanding that part.

I think that they find new people before discarding their current simply for pain avoidance.  A distraction from the real issue, which is their selves.

Look at their history and patterns of behavior... .I would assume that they never spent any time truly "single?"  It always amazed me how my xBPD didn't really have any good adult, mature coping skills? 

So, if they are always "with" someone, then they are getting the constant validation that they crave. 

Life seems to be a continuous rebound, so to speak... .that's my experience

MCC 

[turtle]

What I don't get is why don't THEY leave? The devaluation period must be painful for them too?

It's hard to wrap our brains around the fact that they function in chaos.  When the relationship breaks down, the turmoil of that is something they are used to. The chaos is familiar, even comfortable. 

They can't leave YOU and keep up the "they abandoned me" schtick.  They create chaos and misery until YOU are so uncomfortable that you leave them.  Or... .they DO leave you, but turn it around so that in their mind, YOU left them.

It's all extremely exhausting, twisted and soul destroying. I don't miss it.  Not one bit.

turtle

[wrigley52]

I kicked mine out since I found out about the other women... .he wanted to keep us both. I asked him how long he was going to he would of kept this up and he said until he got caught... .well guess what bye bye... .now he's with her and he keeps posting she is the love of his life... .it going to happen all over again just not to me... .boy I wish I would of know of this disorder when I first met him... .ugh... .

[gallerykey]

Turtle, I have to agree with you. My ex had just started to see someone new from a dating site so it was his choice it was over, although theres no way I would of stayed with him after that. However he had taken jewellery and money etc... .when I spoke to the police about getting this back he spun them a very different story despite them seeing all the emails and text messages which showed otherwise. He told them I had called off the wedding! Yes we were engaged but no plans to marry had been made, he told them I broke up the relationship and had since been harassing him . They even said to me if they hadnt seen my evidence clearly showing otherwise they could of believed him as he was such a good liar (until he decided to follow it up with lots of other lies and tripped himself up) Im not even bothering with the claims to get my stuff back, he can have it all as to carry it on would continue some form of contact.

He still cant see/admit it was him that did wrong and will do it all again with the next, and the next, and the next... .

[huhhuh]

They can't leave YOU and keep up the "they abandoned me" schtick.  They create chaos and misery until YOU are so uncomfortable that you leave them.  Or... .they DO leave you, but turn it around so that in their mind, YOU left them.

ahh yes. That's true. I forgot how twisted their mind works.

[Ironmanrises]

Why didn't she just break it off at that point if she didn't want to stay in relationship with me. A normal person would have done that. Why did she have to find a new source before discarding me. I have problems understanding that part.

I think that they find new people before discarding their current simply for pain avoidance.  A distraction from the real issue, which is their selves.

Look at their history and patterns of behavior... .I would assume that they never spent any time truly "single?"  It always amazed me how my xBPD didn't really have any good adult, mature coping skills? 

So, if they are always "with" someone, then they are getting the constant validation that they crave. 

Life seems to be a continuous rebound, so to speak... .that's my experience

MCC 

That.

In bold.

The enabling family/so called friends of my exUBPDgf all validated the hologram of herself that she portrayed to the outside world.

Those are the same people that would most likely have never even wanted her around had they really known her real self.

That's the very people my exUBPDgf would rather have around her.

Should I laugh? Cry? Be angry?

All the above.

When she attempts to directly contact me again... .

My silence will greet her.

Besides... .

She has a whole population of family/so called friends that apparently care about her.

They have vast amounts of validation.

She is not in my best interest.

And she never was.

[xPaintedBlackx]

I agree, Ironman. That is precisely why I did not want to leave - I simply couldn't give up on her and "love". Additionally, I knew she had nobody... .but now i understand why she doesnt.

[Aussie0zborn]

... .I would assume that they never spent any time truly "single?"  It always amazed me how my xBPD didn't really have any good adult, mature coping skills? 

In the beginning before I saw any signs of crazy behaviour, she bragged that she "has always been in a relationship" as if she was somehow better than me. After the craziness came out and she said this again, I realized she can't be alone to stand on her own two feet.  During devaluation she said this again and I suggested she should be alone and learn to stand on her own two feet.  Little did I know she already had the new guy lined up and ready to get her hooks into him.

[bettermentofsociety]

In round 2 of my relationship with my exUBPDgf... .

When the devaluation started... .

And the missiles started being launched at me... .

I have asked myself these questions... .

Why didn't I leave the relationship right then and there?

Why did I allow all that toxic upheaval to be unhurled at me?

Then a realization hit me... .

Watching the movie Braveheart(with Mel Gibson)... .About a Scottish hero... .

There was a line uttered by the future leader of Scotland... .

when asked to look at his own interests ahead of everyone elses(including that of Mel Gibsons character William Wallace whom he betrayed)... .

"I don't want to lose heart."

There.

That is why I didn't leave.

I didn't want to lose heart.

I felt like I was going to abandon her... .

In essence... .I was going to lose my heart in the process.

I couldn't do that to someone I cared about.

So I allowed the emotional abuse to continue.

At the expense of my heart.

Codependency?

Yes.

A sad truth.

One that I am trying to rectify.

I have to put my own interests first.

Not easy to accept.

Ironman,

Just keep focusing on yourself and your needs.  Me?  same boat.  Working on myself, continuing NC. Each day, it gets a tad bit better.  I still ruminate but I feel progress on myself, understanding why I was drawn into toxicity. I am beginning to realize somethings such as the fact that it's within me to fix this.  I know that is obvious, but I really am just getting this.  Hang in and hang on.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I believe a lot of nons are codependent or rescuers or both.  I qualify. 

What I had to realize is that I cannot rescue her or make it all better for her.  She has to learn to self-soothe on her own.  What happens is we lose ourselves in the process.  So now it becomes, how can I best take care of myself?  How do I self-soothe?  I listen to my needs, and do my best to address them in healthy ways.

[mcc503764]

What I don't get is why don't THEY leave? The devaluation period must be painful for them too?

It's hard to wrap our brains around the fact that they function in chaos.  When the relationship breaks down, the turmoil of that is something they are used to. The chaos is familiar, even comfortable. 

They can't leave YOU and keep up the "they abandoned me" schtick.  They create chaos and misery until YOU are so uncomfortable that you leave them.  Or... .they DO leave you, but turn it around so that in their mind, YOU left them.

It's all extremely exhausting, twisted and soul destroying. I don't miss it.  Not one bit.

turtle

She literally forced my hand.  Such a master manipulator to paint you into an emotional corner and leave you no other choice but to "abandon" them... .then they play the "victim," to justify the situation that they literally created in the first place!

My God what a complete mindf^&k it is to be with someone like that!  And to be literally punished for trying to love them... .I more than accept my share of the responsibility, but My GOD, what a painful experience!

On a side note, my birthday was yesterday and the best gift that I have ever received was her NOT contacting me!

MCC

[peas]

They can't leave YOU and keep up the "they abandoned me" schtick.  They create chaos and misery until YOU are so uncomfortable that you leave them.  Or... .they DO leave you, but turn it around so that in their mind, YOU left them.

TOTALLY! Thank you for this important reminder. My ex did the same. He rejected me but his words were "you left." Um, no, you pushed me out and cut me off.

[xPaintedBlackx]

She literally forced my hand.  Such a master manipulator to paint you into an emotional corner and leave you no other choice but to "abandon" them... .then they play the "victim," to justify the situation that they literally created in the first place!

My God what a complete mindf^&k it is to be with someone like that!  And to be literally punished for trying to love them... .I more than accept my share of the responsibility, but My GOD, what a painful experience!

On a side note, my birthday was yesterday and the best gift that I have ever received was her NOT contacting me!

MCC

Happy Belated Birthday. Mine is coming this Saturday and I know she will try like heck to get in contact with me - especially to see if I'm out partying and having a good time. She hates for me to have a good time without her.

[Ironmanrises]

In round 2 of my relationship with my exUBPDgf... .

When the devaluation started... .

And the missiles started being launched at me... .

I have asked myself these questions... .

Why didn't I leave the relationship right then and there?

Why did I allow all that toxic upheaval to be unhurled at me?

Then a realization hit me... .

Watching the movie Braveheart(with Mel Gibson)... .About a Scottish hero... .

There was a line uttered by the future leader of Scotland... .

when asked to look at his own interests ahead of everyone elses(including that of Mel Gibsons character William Wallace whom he betrayed)... .

"I don't want to lose heart."

There.

That is why I didn't leave.

I didn't want to lose heart.

I felt like I was going to abandon her... .

In essence... .I was going to lose my heart in the process.

I couldn't do that to someone I cared about.

So I allowed the emotional abuse to continue.

At the expense of my heart.

Codependency?

Yes.

A sad truth.

One that I am trying to rectify.

I have to put my own interests first.

Not easy to accept.

Ironman,

Just keep focusing on yourself and your needs.  Me?  same boat.  Working on myself, continuing NC. Each day, it gets a tad bit better.  I still ruminate but I feel progress on myself, understanding why I was drawn into toxicity. I am beginning to realize somethings such as the fact that it's within me to fix this.  I know that is obvious, but I really am just getting this.  Hang in and hang on.

Better,

Thank you.

I take each day as it comes.

That is all I can do.

There are days though that I wish I never knew about BPD.

Maybe I am bit nostalgic for the naive idyll I was in prior to all of this.

Hang in there.

[guardianxiii]

I agree, Ironman. That is precisely why I did not want to leave - I simply couldn't give up on her and "love". Additionally, I knew she had nobody... .but now i understand why she doesnt.

It took me a long time to come to that point too. My ex would constantly talk about how everyone leaves her, and remind me that if I ever left, I'd be exactly the same as all the other people in her life who let her down. This was probably the #1 thing that kept me in that relationship, because I couldn't keep a boundary between what she (and others in general, I suppose) thought of me, and what I thought of me.

Ironman, this is a great topic It can be so hard to remember that we don't have to do everything for someone else.

[Phoenix.Rising]

On a side note, my birthday was yesterday and the best gift that I have ever received was her NOT contacting me!

Happy birthday.    My birthday was in January, 4 days after the last time we communicated, and she did not call.  The last time we talked, though, I requested that we not talk for a while.  We have not talked since.  I found out a few weeks ago that she is now married.     I like what you said about it being a gift.  My ex would always call on my birthday, so honestly, it hurt, but I had asked for space.  At the same time, though, I think I was relieved.  Such a confusing state of affairs this all has been.   

[momtara]

I think it is important to know you tried.  It is better, in the end, even if you fall on your face. 

[Clearmind]

We don't want to abandon them however we abandon ourselves instead!

I felt like I was going to abandon her... .

In essence... .I was going to lose my heart in the process.

I couldn't do that to someone I cared about.

…... Codependency?

Yes.

Why is it you don’t put your own interests first? Where does codependency stem from?

[mcc503764]

We don't want to abandon them however we abandon ourselves instead!

I felt like I was going to abandon her... .

In essence... .I was going to lose my heart in the process.

I couldn't do that to someone I cared about.

…... Codependency?

Yes.

Why is it you don’t put your own interests first? Where does codependency stem from?

The codependency, in my situation, came from a lack of self esteem/worth of myself.   I was afraid to stand up for myself... .plain and simple... .  And watching my parents r/s.  My mother treats my father very poorly at times, and he just goes with it and keeps giving more and more, often at the expense of himself... .

I am no saint, I accept that, but I tried to show my love to her with multiple actions.  And when the actions aren't reciprocated, it is highly devaluing and makes you feel that you aren't good enough which only compounds on your existing self esteem/worth issues... .that's my experience anyhow... .

MCC

[Ironmanrises]

Clearmind,

My lowered self esteem.

Caretaking role learned from caretaking my disabled mother.

It is all i have known.

[Clearmind]

The codependency, in my situation, came from a lack of self esteem/worth of myself.   I was afraid to stand up for myself... .plain and simple... .  And watching my parents r/s.  My mother treats my father very poorly at times, and he just goes with it and keeps giving more and more, often at the expense of himself... .

I am no saint, I accept that, but I tried to show my love to her with multiple actions.  And when the actions aren't reciprocated, it is highly devaluing and makes you feel that you aren't good enough which only compounds on your existing self esteem/worth issues... .that's my experience anyhow... .

MCC

Its amazing how we emulate our parents relationship. I myself was attracted to men like my father and I was very much like my mother in all my relationships (enabler, peace maker) - we pay a price for being nice and not being assertive.

Clearmind,

My lowered self esteem.

Caretaking role learned from caretaking my disabled mother.

It is all i have known.

Time to make a shift Ironman... .only you can move from victim to thriver.

Its really helpful Ironman to start making these links to our role as kids. When we ruminate about our ex's is good to start to turn the focus towards the role we were moulded to take as kids. It so happens we have not shaken that role yet and really faced it... .instead we carry on and then blame and accuse our ex's for doing this to us.

Our ex's didn't do this to us, we were filling a role which we are very accustomed to.

We are now adults with adult privileges and we need to start to learn that being assertive and adding "NO" to our vocabulary is OK.

Ironman you may or not be codependent - its a label that can add to the weight we already feel. Simply see this as a moment in time which gave you a wake up call to finally put yourself first.

An attractive trait in a man is confidence, assertiveness and having boundaries. Work towards some of this in your every day life - a little at a time - this builds worth. It was our lack of worth that got us into this mess to begin with and we will continue to ruminate about them if we allow it. Choice is ours.

If you want some help with some book recommendations we can do that - you need to want to move forward otherwise we will remain stuck.