Here we go again...

[blurry]

NC broken, and having a normal, cordial conversation for the first time since the day before she left, over a month ago. I'm cringing with each email as it appears, waiting for the attack... .wondering where she's gonna go with this. Wondering if she erased her mind of the past month, as she's done in the past, all the horrible things we said to each other. All the shocking, hurtful things she's done.

Trying to even picture how this can possibly ever work, in the event it becomes another recycle. I can't even picture how it can continue... .

[blurry]

 Sort of ended the conversation politely for the third time now, praying she doesn't respond again.

[GreenMango]

Blurry if you got in a cordial ending the conversation then its okay to leave it.

Do you want to talk with her? Maybe try again?

[babyducks]

Heya Blurry,

When is a normal cordial conversation just a normal cordial conversation?   And no that isn't rhetorical.   My EX has become a member of the same organization that I belong to.   

And now I see her quite frequently in a public venue that, by its very nature, is suppose to be about peace and calm and spiritual growth.

I have avoided speaking to her,... .avoided acknowledging her presence until I felt like I had twisted myself into a pretzel. 

And Saturday I finally said this is stupid, and went over and spoke to her for about 5 minutes.  Like you said a normal cordial conversation.  About the cat and mutual friends and jobs and bad backs.

I didn't have that visceral reaction of panic and fear.  I don't feel like my guts are tied up in knots.  And I don't want to spend time analyzing what that all meant and if it was the right thing or the wrong thing to do.

I couldn't have done that 3 months ago.   I don't want to recycle.  But I still care about her and what is going on in her life.

She is a human being.  I am a human being.  That being the bottom line, I continue to work on letting go.   The more I let go the less I am disturbed by what she says, does, or thinks.   

babyducks

[eeyore]

Blurry, I have had other breakups with other people that when it ended it was cordial.  Having a cordial friendship after has never been an issue.  However, that feeling you describe of cringing and wondering is telling you something about yourself.  Try to embrace that feeling and ask yourself why you cringe?  For me it meant because while I miss and care for him he's not good for me.  He's toxic.  I want to live healthy.  I can have a cordial conversation with him and I will as long as he remains cordial.  Yes it bothers me and flusters me because you are looking for the shoe to drop.  But that is the best I can do for now.

[blurry]

Yeah as I suspected, it turned ugly. All I did was express some concern about her since she got surgery a week or two ago. Basically traded emails for a bit then she abruptly reminded me she doesn't care whether I'm concerned for her either way. That came 45 minutes after I basically politely said "best wishes" and " good bye". Ofc I couldn't help but remind her that I know she doesn't care how I feel, that she didn't care about that while she was my girlfriend, or while she was my wife, so there's no reason id expect her to care now... .

Again, its gets back to trying to reason with someone who doesn't see things the same as someone with "normal" emotions. Trading guilt trips, who's right and who's wrong, trying to get them to see the light... .what an exercise in futility. Now I gotta start NC all over and wait for her full blown recycle again, the one where she comes full force, taking all the blame, all the responsibility, seemingly sincere apologies and begging me to come back. I should of known its one way or the other with her, no middle ground.

I'm surprisingly calm right now actually. I don't feel any better, or any worse at least. Maybe feeling " neutral" is halfway to full detatchment?

Well, times the only thing that will tell, told her I'm going NC and  urged her to get in therapy again. Maybe she will.

[turtle]

Blurry 

This stuff only stops when YOU stop it.

I hear the frustration and stress in your post.  I get it.  Been there, done that.

What do you want to happen here?

turtle

[blurry]

 I want things to work out somehow. But I've effectively made it nearly impossible by my actions last month, to where I can't envision a way it can, short of an act of god, a miracle.

[turtle]

What does "work out" mean to you?

Can you paint that picture and reconcile it with the truths that you now know?

turtle

[blurry]

No I can't, I want to hear her apologize and tell me I'm the love of her life, she can't live without me and she's gonna do whatever it takes to make things right. Only problem is, I've heard that many times in the past and I wont believe it. Plus, ill never forgive or trust her ever again without some serious work on my part, accompanied by her not making one questionable move on her part... .

In no way, shape or form can I even picture how this can work out to us being together. The amount of damage id expect her to repair is probably more than she's capable of even if she honestly wanted to. She'd have to spend every day of the next few years being the one walking on eggshells to not give me any doubts whatsoever that she might be doing something unexpected or hurtful.

I can't come up with a reason she wouldn't just move on to someone she hasn't hurt practically beyond repair. It would just make sense and be 100x easier for her. I wouldn't blame her for starting new even if she woke up miraculously cured tomorrow.

[blurry]

Anyway, just spent over 4 hours going back and forth for some unknown reason. I guess negative contact with her is better than none at all, for me right now. Told me repeatedly she never loved me and how much better the immediate ex before me is. In every way. The one she broke up with probably twice as many times as me, the one she was with off and on for 5 years, yet never married, like she did with me... .

Same line of bs I got when she went back with him almost a year ago, 5 months into our relationship, before coming back to me two weeks later after having slept with him a couple times. The same guy she tried moving back in with last month, 3 weeks after marrying me.

How she can call herself a good mom to her 5 kids after her behavior with me the past 16 months and her whole adult life actually makes my head spin. So out of touch with reality its not funny. Anyway, I remain painted black, back to NC.

I feel like "cool hand luke" if anyone remembers the scene where the warden had him repeatedly dig his own grave, fill it back in ect, with the NC starting over again.

[eeyore]

Blurry, you are a good hearted person.  Please don't let her treat you like that.  It's obvious to me that this is toxic to you.  And all you really want is love.  Many of us here that's all we want.

[turtle]

I feel like "cool hand luke" if anyone remembers the scene where the warden had him repeatedly dig his own grave, fill it back in ect, with the NC starting over again.

This is exactly what it's like when we keep reconnecting with someone who we KNOW will only bring us pain.  I've been around here for a LONG time and I have to say... .this is the best description of the recycle process that I've ever read.

So you spent four hours going back and forth only to be told how rotten you are.  What does it say about HER that she was involved with someone so rotten? 

Make that the last four hours you ever spend being ridiculed.

You didn't do everything right - no one does -- but what you can do right --- RIGHT NOW --- is to stop subjecting yourself to being treated this way.  Leave her alone blurry.  Stop asking for more punishment.

Start working on YOU --

turtle

[willbegood]

Told me repeatedly she never loved me and how much better the immediate ex before me is. In every way.

Wow! That's exactly what my ex says to me.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I remember Cool Hand Luke, great movie, and this is a perfect description.  Digging your own grave over and over.  Put the dam* shovel down.