Struggling With No Contact

[WideAwake]

I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life - I started "no contact" with my guy (undiagnosed - borderline traits) of several years. He continued to see me and someone else and I could no longer live with being the other woman in his life as he tried to figure out what he wanted. (And yes, no surprise here -  I got in to this sticky situation because he was not honest with me about his relationship status.)  I felt the stress of the situation was slowly killing both of us - affecting both of our mental and physical health. I knew he didn't have the strength to make a decision either way, so I did what I felt was best for everyone involved.

I felt I was very clear and articulate with him about what was happening - that I had decided we should have no more contact unless his situation changes.  I was not angry and I did not place blame. Initially he said he understood, but now it's begun - sporadic contact from him.  Some are sweet. Others are accusatory - asking how I just abandoned him with out a second thought.  Others are scary - hinting at suicidal feelings. Others accuse me of not loving him anymore and of having replaced him (not true at all).  All of them feel like manipulation and like a trap. I feel like he is trying anything and everything just to get some response from me - any reaction will do. 

It's been several weeks and I have not responded.  I thought it would get easier with time, but it hasn't.  I feel terrible as I know he perceives this as me ignoring him in order be hurtful or prove a point and his perception is his reality.  I felt like what I did was an act of love and it kills me to know that he doesn't see it that way.  To know that this person I love so much is probably hurting and angry with me.  I want to badly to try and explain myself again - so he can see the good intentions behind my actions, but the logical part of my brain knows he will probably never understand because he likely sees everything through this lens of BPD traits - like a horrible camera lens filter that distorts everything. 

   

I guess I am looking for some advice from others who have been through this.  How did you deal with this urge to respond in order to try to explain yourself again and again... .and again? This desire to have them really "hear" what you were saying so you can have closure?       

[turtle]

I guess I am looking for some advice from others who have been through this.  How did you deal with this urge to respond in order to try to explain yourself again and again... .and again? This desire to have them really "hear" what you were saying so you can have closure?       

Well... .the only thing that worked for me was to just stay strong and stay NC.  I went through the explanations over and over and over again.  And really... .each time... .it just made things worse.  My attempts at explaining were turned into his attempts to recycle.  All of those conversations were just futile and upsetting - causing me more pain and causing him more distress.

"Closure" between two mature, rational thinking adults is a wonderful thing.  However... .that is not what you're dealing with.  So... .accept that you already have your "closure." You ended things because it wasn't working for you to be the other woman.  THAT is closure.  Wanting him to understand that and accept it just isn't going to happen.  I know it's hard, but you've stated your position, and now you have to stick to it.  His attempts to contact you might get worse.  Especially if he's feeling like his other situation isn't all he thought it was going to be.

Turtle

[blurry]

Yeah, what turtle said. Funny you just posted this thread right after I just started a " breaking no contact" thread last night. Its an excersise in futility. I find no matter what I do, what I say, until I'm painted white again, all it ever turns into is hurt.

Mine is either dysregulated, or she's not, and its always totally clear which one it is. I just took the bait last night and now I'm sitting here wondering what her incentive was to open up, seemingly cordial, just to turn it back to saying hurtful things, 3 weeks into no contact, which is was she wanted in the first place.

Im in the leaving board, because I have to work under the assumption that sooner or later, after one of these breakups, that I'm not gonna see her ever again, in which case I need NC, and secondly, I guess in my sick head, the quicker I stick with NC, the quicker she will attempt a recycle, which either puts me back in control at least, or maybe deep down, I have some tiny little hope this can work out somehow and we can live happily ever after. But either way, strict NC has to stay intact.

Just like mine does, when they put you back to painted white, there's no doubt whatsoever. So until then, I wouldn't break NC, I'm mad at myself right now for breaking it, but at least I put 90 miles between us and put us both in a situation where getting back together is nearly impossible for awhile, at least. Were both broke and living with our respective moms and not close to getting our own places, or a place together again, for awhile, plus I don't have a car and just started 2 new jobs. So by default, it buys me time to detatch, and/or her to get in serious therapy.

[Relentless]

I was NC for 11 days... .I sent a nice email... .2 days later I sent another email and a text... .Both stating I'd no longer contact her. I got a call from the police. Her dad called and reported me for harassment. That certain helped. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks NC. Idk how the heck things got to that. I assure you, despite being reported for belittling her and calling her names (I copied and pasted the email in an older thread) I did not do those things. I did however tell her the truth of how I felt.

Anyways... .It was tough to stay NC for those 11 days... .This set has been much easier, both because I was told to stop, and that I was so upset they would do that to me after 14 years of being friends and 6 months of dating in which I gave her everything I gave everyone else combined and then some.

Whatever you do... .Just stay NC. It really is for the best. Keep posting here. Post here what you want to say if you're struggling. Talk to us.

Best to you. It's helped me a ton.

[Eric1]

No contact is really hard. If it was easy, no-one would have any problems doing it.

I reached an all time record of 8 days. I then broke it, with no reply.

Stick with it. It'll be worth it come the end.

[bpdspell]

Wide Awake,

Ummm... .You're worried about his anger and abandoning him when he was involved with you and someone else? Nice way to have his cake and eat it too in addition to being mentally ill. A tough question: Why do you feel obligated to someone who clearly has made you an option?

Are you in therapy?

No Contact doesn't come easy for most of us on here. It takes a while to emotionally accept that this person is very toxic to our sense of self. In your case if you accept your position in this love triangle your ex will know that you will accept whatever disrespectful terms he brings your way. BPD is a serious mental illness and not something you bargain your life with. No Contact is for us. Its our healing time to shift our perspective on accepting who this person really is and time for us to heal from narcissistic abuse. It's also our time to deal with our issues.

Loving a mentally ill person is disempowering. Period. Whatever we miss is usually our projection of who we wish they could be for us; not who they actually are. Wide Awake... .learn all you can about BPD. Your ex sounds really narcissistic and entitled. My ex was very me me me me and all about me. And it's very painful to get caught up in their entitlement trap. When I wrote down what I actually experienced with my ex compared to what I dreamed I could have there was huge discrepancy. I was caught up in the fantasy and the hope of finally being accepted and fully loved. I was emotionally attached because it was a toxic bond based on my low sense of worth and believing that I couldn't do any better than my ex.

When I think back... .my ex did very little for me... .cause I thought very little of my self. It's amazing how they can demand but not return the very thing they ask of us... .but that's why BPD is a mental illness.

Spell

[Learning_curve74]

I felt I was very clear and articulate with him about what was happening - that I had decided we should have no more contact unless his situation changes.  I was not angry and I did not place blame. Initially he said he understood, but now it's begun - sporadic contact from him. I feel like he is trying anything and everything just to get some response from me - any reaction will do. 

It's been several weeks and I have not responded.  I thought it would get easier with time, but it hasn't.  I feel terrible as I know he perceives this as me ignoring him in order be hurtful or prove a point and his perception is his reality.  I felt like what I did was an act of love and it kills me to know that he doesn't see it that way.  To know that this person I love so much is probably hurting and angry with me.  I want to badly to try and explain myself again - so he can see the good intentions behind my actions, but the logical part of my brain knows he will probably never understand because he likely sees everything through this lens of BPD traits - like a horrible camera lens filter that distorts everything.    

WideAwake, you admit that you still love him, so it's understandably very hard on you to see that he can't understand you at all. A lot of us here wish our BPDex could understand, that maybe it would bring them some solace like it might if the positions were reversed. But like you said, his BPD makes it impossible to grasp any explanation regardless of how logical it is. I know you want to explain yourself again, but what would you say differently this time? Do you think it would make a difference? We wish it would make a difference, and I say "we" because I truly feel exactly the same, that I could take away the pain from my BPDex too. But it's their pain, not ours and never within our power to remove to begin with.

Very few people can achieve instant detachment. Many of us were probably extremely enmeshed with our pwBPD, so how we felt and acted were in direct reaction to how they felt. And we spent a lot of time trying to predict how they were feeling and deciding how to react, so even though separated, we may still spend a lot of time wondering how they are feeling and trying to figure out what we should do. In reality, the biggest task is to focus on ourselves now. You tried to be kind, caring, and loving to him, a pwBPD, which led to what is the very common result, a breakup (whether it was you or him doing the breakup is immaterial). What if you try to be kind, caring, and loving to yourself? Don't you deserve it after all you've been through? He's not the only one hurting, right? And is his happiness any more important than yours is?

Everybody is different, and it is worth trying a number of different strategies to help yourself. Some people write out a letter to their BPDex with everything they want to say, all the things they wish their ex could understand, then they do NOT send it! It's a form of self-therapy, when you write it out, it's concrete and you can see it, not quite the same as it rattling around in your head. If you are sad, cry it out, watch a silly movie, talk it out with a close friend. If you are mad, go to the gym and sweat it out, punch and kick a heavy bag, or run until you're exhausted. If you feel lonely, get together with friends for a group activity, or go out and volunteer at a soup kitchen and feed those less fortunate than you.

You feel like you are the logical one, but doesn't insulate you from the feelings, the hurt, and the pain, right? You can't take away your pain by trying to take away his pain. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to heal. You deserve it. 

[BradyK]

Wide Awake,

I agree with what everyone has said. I have only one thing to add: can you block his communications from reaching you? Actually, you can, of course. If you feel you cannot or will not, why not? What is preventing you? Do you have children or business logistics you need to communicate about?

If you don't, I suggest you block him completely. Then you will really be NC. It may be a difficult step, but it will make your healing happen more quickly. He doesn't need to know. Don't worry about him. Worry about you now. Why allow him to continue to upset you? Gain some emotional space and distance so you can heal.

And good for you for putting an end to his disrespectful treatment of you! This current anguish is just temporary, truly! You will move through this and recover. You will.