My Journey of detachment and BPD

[tomjon78]

Well after a lot of posts and help from this forum I find myself at a groundbreaking point. I just want to put things into a small summary and hope some people can relate, understand and this could be helpful for someone. At least it is for me.

In February 2012 I thought I had met the woman of my dreams. Six months later we moved in together. She had all the charisma in the world. The best lover i´ve had. We shared all of our dreams and thoughts. Had beautiful moments with our children (from former spouses) and I was up in the sky. Too good to be true?

But that´s propably the first sign of danger. She showed signs which I couldn´t see at first. Signs that I wish now I could have read correctly. It´s like being in a push pull situation. You get some really bad moments that later somehow are faded out with extreme affection and admiration from her behalf.

I failed to see it. Then the puzzles seemed to fall in place. I could see the pattern from her former relationships. Her tactics which destroyed my self confidence and sense of making correct and healthy decisions for myself. Mood swings, jelousy tactics, her lies, constant talk about exes and even contact with them.

I started to see something was wrong. I guessed BPD even she was undiagnosed. I knew something was wrong. In january I broke up with her, moved out and then the recycles started. Making promises things would change and even begging me on her knees. Then the hell started. Amazing sex, lies, outbursts, threats and people approaching me telling me things about her. But I was still so in love and my mind was all focused and somehow taken hostage by her.

So next stage was NC. Somehow the distance and NC is a tricky thing. It can play tricks on your mind. You want closure, some logic into the situation. But that´s the thing. You can never get it with Bpd´s. My mind was always in the past. Trying to find answers... .but you won´t get them.

When I broke NC last month I met her several times and after being here on the board, seeing my T. and reading a lot about PSTD, emotional violence, co dependency I started to see some light. I realized talking to her that she was ill. The woman I loved and will always love in my own way. At least a great part of her. I acknowledge the good things about her, but will never be able to accept the other side. The side of her BPD illness which makes no sense at all.

I felt actually good after breaking NC. It´s like taking a wild shot. I do recommend to all people here to stick to NC. I had to put myself in a strange place. Even explain to her I was so depressed, in a bad place and had nothing to give. Partly true but the things she needed to hear to get her to stay off my back. In my case I was strong enough not to "play the game".

It´s been really hard. A lot of work. I know it´s not nearly over. But now I can feel my life can go on. I have looked into myself, my character. Gone over our relationship and seen how unhealthy it was. Now the focus has to turn from her to me. I feel better. The grass is greener on the other side in this case. I find myself injured and bruised but ready to go on with my life. It will take time and work.

And believe me I know tough situations. I was raised up in hard situation, had a difficult divorce, I have a child who has a long term illness, I have been sexually abused as a kid and have had a lot of trauma and tough stuff in my life. But the strange thing is that my journey with this woman is the most difficult of them all. Why? Because the lines and boundaries are so unclear and it can play really nasty trick on your mind.

I would just like to thank everybody here for their help in many difficult moments. And my advice to all is to look in yourself, learn about BPD symptoms, post here, see a qualified therapist, find ways to get out the trauma and stay strong... .

I certainly hope I won´t have to post here again about painful things... .but I guess I probably will 

[Bananas]

tomjon78,

wow!  it was great to read your post.  I remember some of your earlier ones.  good for you for taking the steps you did for yourself, you have been through a lot and i know it isn't easy.  (I am still working on it)  You will certainly be an inspiration to others, myself included!

[Surnia]

  tomjon

I am so happy with you, that you found your way out. That the grass is greener now. 

Thank you very much for sharing this. 

[charred]

Water seeks its own level... we seek out people with about our own level of dysfunction (unfortunately.) Part of the sparks that fly with a pwBPD is reaction to your own model of what love is... .which comes from your early family life... so think of it as "that is familiar, it must be love"... at a deep level you respond to what you grew up with... which is not the healthy kind of r/s you want.

As to hurting more... it sure does. I think the deep hurt is due to a few things... .they bring back the childhood pain somehow... and we have a hole in us that comes from not attaching right to people... connecting would be another way of putting it, so when we deal with trauma as kids we typically do things like disconnecting from feelings to get past the traumatic situation. If that becomes our way of dealing with bad feelings/emotions we get kind of drab and lifeless as you can't disconnect only from bad stuff, you also end up disconnecting from good. Another thing people do that have been traumatized a lot is to keep people at an emotional distance, so they won't get hurt. After a while you are grown up, feel disconnected from people, maybe even life and then you meet someone with BPD... .who ignores the boundaries that keep most people at a distance... .they get close to you and give what seems like unconditional love/mirroring/flattery. We eat it up... decide they are "the one"., put them on a pedestal... emotionally relate to them like they are the unconditionally loving parent we never had... .and then the transformation from Dr. Jeckyl to Mr. Hyde happens... .and we are devastated. The loss is like losing a parent... debilitating, deep depression and no one seems to understand.

Getting past the big hurt of the breakup is hard... if you are past that, great. Thing is you described some pretty terrible stuff that happened well before your r/s. My mom lost her mother when she was 5 and then was dropped with her sisters (one 3, one a newborn)... on her grandparents and didn't see her dad again till she was 13. That left her traumatized by kids and terrible with them... .as a kid I was not securely attached at all... nervous mess, diagnosed as ADHD. My mom married my dad... .a malignant NPD doctor... who I haven't seen in over 12 yrs now. (Thankfully.)

I used to take pride in how normal I turned out and how unscathed I was from my FOO... .but I was wrong. The BPD r/s brings out every issue you have no matter how deeply buried and lets you feel all the pain again. Started seeing a T, and found that my issues are with connecting to people, I have been burned over and over and keep them at a distance. Maybe schizoid PD even... .solution is making friends, being vulnerable and connecting and it is very hard for me.

See a T, work on you, fix the things that make you a target for a pwBPD. Enjoy life. Read Brene Brown's books (like Daring Greatly.)  She researched shame and ended up explaining a lot of how early trauma plays out in life and what to do to deal with it.

[Ironmanrises]

Well after a lot of posts and help from this forum I find myself at a groundbreaking point. I just want to put things into a small summary and hope some people can relate, understand and this could be helpful for someone. At least it is for me.

In February 2012 I thought I had met the woman of my dreams. Six months later we moved in together. She had all the charisma in the world. The best lover i´ve had. We shared all of our dreams and thoughts. Had beautiful moments with our children (from former spouses) and I was up in the sky. Too good to be true?

But that´s propably the first sign of danger. She showed signs which I couldn´t see at first. Signs that I wish now I could have read correctly. It´s like being in a push pull situation. You get some really bad moments that later somehow are faded out with extreme affection and admiration from her behalf.

I failed to see it. Then the puzzles seemed to fall in place. I could see the pattern from her former relationships. Her tactics which destroyed my self confidence and sense of making correct and healthy decisions for myself. Mood swings, jelousy tactics, her lies, constant talk about exes and even contact with them.

I started to see something was wrong. I guessed BPD even she was undiagnosed. I knew something was wrong. In january I broke up with her, moved out and then the recycles started. Making promises things would change and even begging me on her knees. Then the hell started. Amazing sex, lies, outbursts, threats and people approaching me telling me things about her. But I was still so in love and my mind was all focused and somehow taken hostage by her.

So next stage was NC. Somehow the distance and NC is a tricky thing. It can play tricks on your mind. You want closure, some logic into the situation. But that´s the thing. You can never get it with Bpd´s. My mind was always in the past. Trying to find answers... .but you won´t get them.

When I broke NC last month I met her several times and after being here on the board, seeing my T. and reading a lot about PSTD, emotional violence, co dependency I started to see some light. I realized talking to her that she was ill. The woman I loved and will always love in my own way. At least a great part of her. I acknowledge the good things about her, but will never be able to accept the other side. The side of her BPD illness which makes no sense at all.

I felt actually good after breaking NC. It´s like taking a wild shot. I do recommend to all people here to stick to NC. I had to put myself in a strange place. Even explain to her I was so depressed, in a bad place and had nothing to give. Partly true but the things she needed to hear to get her to stay off my back. In my case I was strong enough not to "play the game".

It´s been really hard. A lot of work. I know it´s not nearly over. But now I can feel my life can go on. I have looked into myself, my character. Gone over our relationship and seen how unhealthy it was. Now the focus has to turn from her to me. I feel better. The grass is greener on the other side in this case. I find myself injured and bruised but ready to go on with my life. It will take time and work.

And believe me I know tough situations. I was raised up in hard situation, had a difficult divorce, I have a child who has a long term illness, I have been sexually abused as a kid and have had a lot of trauma and tough stuff in my life. But the strange thing is that my journey with this woman is the most difficult of them all. Why? Because the lines and boundaries are so unclear and it can play really nasty trick on your mind.

I would just like to thank everybody here for their help in many difficult moments. And my advice to all is to look in yourself, learn about BPD symptoms, post here, see a qualified therapist, find ways to get out the trauma and stay strong... .

I certainly hope I won´t have to post here again about painful things... .but I guess I probably will 

I can imagine how hard and grueling the road through all of this must have been.

An inspiring post.

In bold.

That other side.

No words.

[Surnia]

See a T, work on you, fix the things that make you a target for a pwBPD. Enjoy life. Read Brene Brown's books (like Daring Greatly.)  She researched shame and ended up explaining a lot of how early trauma plays out in life and what to do to deal with it.

Her books about shame and being connected are important for me too. 

[SeekerofTruth]

Charred.  Thank you for your sharing some of the inner insight of insight.

fix the things that make you a target for a pwBPD.

I think a lot of the things you said before this, also makes sense in terms of the work one and understanding one needs to do in order to recover.

My mind feels split... .that part that gets caught up in the whatever that was (usually some aspect of a mindf... .k on top of multiple layers of M... .F... .s).  This disease or mental illness of BPD, especially with a high functioning otherwise individual... .plays into the surrealism of it all, and even my denial or forgetting of just how painfully passive-aggressiveness was undermining any groundedness i had.

TJ:  Thanks for sharing your journey.

  She showed signs which I couldn´t see at first. Signs that I wish now I could have read correctly. It´s like being in a push pull situation. You get some really bad moments that later somehow are faded out with extreme affection and admiration from her behalf.

I failed to see it. Then the puzzles seemed to fall in place. I could see the pattern from her former relationships. Her tactics which destroyed my self confidence and sense of making correct and healthy decisions for myself.

  ditto.  I broke up with her within 6 months of dating.  After 10+ recycles, 8 years, and a contested divorce ahead... .and an incredible shift of power imbalance from where we began... .my head hurts.  And my heart... .?

  But I was still so in love and my mind was all focused and somehow taken hostage by her. 

  yup.  i later learned it had something to do with codependency, but as charred shared, there is also much more to it... .

   used to take pride in how normal I turned out and how unscathed I was from my FOO... .but I was wrong. The BPD r/s brings out every issue you have no matter how deeply buried and lets you feel all the pain again.   

I think inner shame issues lingered inside of me, covered up by over achievement... .till she came along.

AMAZING

  So next stage was NC. Somehow the distance and NC is a tricky thing. It can play tricks on your mind. You want closure, some logic into the situation. But that´s the thing. You can never get it with Bpd´s. My mind was always in the past. Trying to find answers... .but you won´t get them. 

Our minds try to find answers... .and yet... .for whatever reason, just like you said.

More power to you.  Especially in turning your focus onto you, your recovery, and healing.  Remember, as much as anybody else on this planet, you deserve your love and affection.

[letmeout]

Thank you for the fabulous post charred, that is a lot to digest so I will be reading it again.

[tomjon78]

Thanks everyone for their input on this thread... .

one week ago she was trying to call me and texted me the following : "i am so angry with you, but I will keep it to myself". I didn´t reply.

And last night she was calling me 3 am. She called me again today and I answered and she said she was drunk when trying to call me last night. She added that she has been feeling great and hadn´t been so happy for a long time. She then asked me about my kids and that she was sorry for calling. I kept the phonecall short and just said I had to go. Plain and easy. I don´t feel bad after talking to her. I´m in a better place than before even though it bothers me she is calling me.

I´ve been busy at work, have started working out and my sleeping is finally better after months of trouble. I still have the occasional nightmares and my mind sometimes wonders about our rs and about her but not nearly as much as before.

I won´t be dragged in again in this crazy world of BPD.

[Surnia]

I´ve been busy at work, have started working out and my sleeping is finally better after months of trouble. I still have the occasional nightmares and my mind sometimes wonders about our rs and about her but not nearly as much as before.

Great news, tomjon! I am happy for you. 

About the calls: Well done.

[charred]

tomjon

It gets better/easier over time. Mindfulness exercises help a lot to keep the suffering down. Its been about a year since I went NC... and in the last month I finally 100% blocked my pwBPD on FB (so I can't see her pages)... and have completely quit even checking out of curiosity. Fully accepting a r/s that you wanted to be wonderful... .but was really a toxic mistake, is very hard. Took many months to stop rationalizing for my put exBPDgf... I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, take on the blame, find some way to try harder and make it all better somehow. Anything but accept that she wasn't what she said she was, or consider that she didn't mean the good things she said... .yet I didn't have trouble believing the horrible things she said... .kept wanting to consider maybe she had a point.

The truth/reality... .when you accept it, you start recovering from the r/s pretty quickly, the pain recedes and in time you realize you can't go back to that r/s. For me I also realized I was disconnected from people and that is what made me feel so different when I was with her and my feelings were actually coming out... .they had been blunted and ignored and pushed away for decades... and having strong feelings both good and bad... .was feeling alive and that is what I needed... .connections, and living life.

As a kid I grew up around animals, we had cats/dogs... and as I got on my own I avoided having animals. Even after getting married and having a kid I forbid animals... .why... .I knew they have short lives compared to us, always liked large dogs, and ours usually lived to be 10 yrs old or so... the thought of losing them ... instead of dealing with it I avoided the possibility of being hurt. But the fact is... .they live and love unconditionally and are man's best friends... .and grow from puppies to old age, and all the benefits of a life spent with them... .I ran from to avoid the well deserved pain of losing them. That is a fool's deal... its running from reality.

Better to live and love and deal with the emotions... .feel the love and the pain, and make connections and attach with people. Thats what fills the hole the pwBPD stepped in to with their needy faux-love.

[DragoN]

Excellent thread and posts;

The truth/reality... .when you accept it, you start recovering from the r/s pretty quickly, the pain recedes and in time you realize you can't go back to that r/s.

Barely survived the first 2 rounds. There will not be a third.

BPD r/s strips you to the core. All that's left to is to rebuild. It gives new meaning to : It is what it is.

Live in the moment and "let go" during the abuse sessions has not done much for my sense of peace. Rather to not deal with it at all and make it through the next few months and live for tomorrow and the rest of my life.

Better to live and love and deal with the emotions... .feel the love and the pain, and make connections and attach with people. Thats what fills the hole the pwBPD stepped in to with their needy faux-love.

True, real love. Trust, affection and the gentle caring of another and the desire to support each other through life's storms. Loving another, life is robust colors, alone, it's more pastels. Still nice, but not the same.