BPD and Emeshed as child/NEW here

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am new to this board; I am a 46 year-old female of a mother

who has BPD and I was an emeshed child (the chosen one).  I am feeling very sad that I do not have a mother to talk to anymore.  I just started to get help from a professional about 1 year ago.  I never realised my mother had BPD, and I had never heard of emeshment.  My mother used me from the time I was born-and I thought I was so special, and loved.  My sister was the "bad one" in my mother's eyes.  I made awful choices in my life-especially in my 20's.  I let people use me-I would be in a relationship and just let the man do as he pleased, I had no boundaries there to protect myself; and I had no idea that I didn't have them.  I remember that I was numb as far as my emotions, and I went along with things... .I had no sense of self.  I see that my mother USED me for her emotional support; she told me all her problems since I was about 5-6.  I chose never to sleep away from home after one night of her crying about how awful her parent, and my father were to her.  I continued to love for her I guess.  I checked on her every few hours when I was in my teens.  I'd see if she needed anything-I'd walk to the store for her, put blankets on her when she was cold-and she'd tell me that God would reward me one day.  I chose a man (when in my 20's) who used me, lied to me... .and I see why.  I eneded up a single parent, and struggle with panic attacks and isolating myself from people.  I have a sense of shame at times-to my core.  My mother, when I needed her-she would scream at me-yell-reject me.  She kicked me out of the house when I was pregnant-when I needed her the most.  I am really a very poitive person, and I don't believe in living with resentments.  I have learned to forgive... .but it is the rejection that still hurts.  Sometimes when I talk with my mother-she is good... .but lately she is angry and cold.  I was crying because something sad happened-and since she changes because of BPD-I never know which one (?) I am talking to.  One week she might be sweet and compassionate; the next she is so sarcastic, insulting and rejecting... .she seems to be this way when I need her the most.  I think I am just coming to truly see her as mentally ill... .and it makes me sad, like I am mourning the loss of the mother I thought she was/ and the person she made me think I was.  I am sad that she isn't my mother... .she isn't motherly... .I was her mother.  I just needed to talk to people who understand... .I have 1 brother and 3 sisters (I am the youngest).  We all knew she had something not right.  But they spent so much less time with her-and they don't care much for talking about her illness.  It is hard -as a parent-to understand that you can be so cruel, cold and rejecting of your own daughter when she is in pain ect.  That is why I just keep saying"I have no mother" because this is all just starting to sink in.   And I am feeling gross that I was an emeshed child, (not sexually abused) but cuddled like I was part of a simees twin.  i remeber feeling like if I was hugging her (we took naps) I felt like if I even moved my arm away from her-like I'd hurt her feelings.  I was very sensitive to PEOPLES FEELINGS.  But hers like no other.  I would stay in a position even when my arm fell asleep just so her feelings wouldn't be hurt.  I thought that I HAD to live at home forever (while I was growing up)... .or she wouldn't be ok... .I thought she was MY responsibility.  I was so darn messed up inside.  I would binge on food in my teens-but didn't know why. Then my panic attacks were so bad I couldn't stop shaking (when I would go to school).  I never knew other people binged or had panic attacks... .I never heard of a panic attack back then-I just thought I was weird.   I wlaked funny, and was sooshy and withdrawn as a child and teen.  I appreciate you reading this-I have had a lot that I never expressed-some with my therapist-but not with people who truly KNOW.  I hope you all find help and healing-you deserve it-as do I.  We deserve to BE.

[Beelah]

I am new to this board; I am a 46 year-old female of a mother

who has BPD and I was an emeshed child (the chosen one).  I am feeling very sad that I do not have a mother to talk to anymore.  I just started to get help from a professional about 1 year ago.  I never realised my mother had BPD, and I had never heard of emeshment.  My mother used me from the time I was born-and I thought I was so special, and loved.  My sister was the "bad one" in my mother's eyes.  I made awful choices in my life-especially in my 20's.  I let people use me-I would be in a relationship and just let the man do as he pleased, I had no boundaries there to protect myself; and I had no idea that I didn't have them.  I remember that I was numb as far as my emotions, and I went along with things... .I had no sense of self.  I see that my mother USED me for her emotional support; she told me all her problems since I was about 5-6.  I chose never to sleep away from home after one night of her crying about how awful her parent, and my father were to her.  I continued to love for her I guess.  I checked on her every few hours when I was in my teens.  I'd see if she needed anything-I'd walk to the store for her, put blankets on her when she was cold-and she'd tell me that God would reward me one day.  I chose a man (when in my 20's) who used me, lied to me... .and I see why.  I eneded up a single parent, and struggle with panic attacks and isolating myself from people.  I have a sense of shame at times-to my core.  My mother, when I needed her-she would scream at me-yell-reject me.  She kicked me out of the house when I was pregnant-when I needed her the most.  I am really a very poitive person, and I don't believe in living with resentments.  I have learned to forgive... .but it is the rejection that still hurts.  Sometimes when I talk with my mother-she is good... .but lately she is angry and cold.  I was crying because something sad happened-and since she changes because of BPD-I never know which one (?) I am talking to.  One week she might be sweet and compassionate; the next she is so sarcastic, insulting and rejecting... .she seems to be this way when I need her the most.  I think I am just coming to truly see her as mentally ill... .and it makes me sad, like I am mourning the loss of the mother I thought she was/ and the person she made me think I was.  I am sad that she isn't my mother... .she isn't motherly... .I was her mother.  I just needed to talk to people who understand... .I have 1 brother and 3 sisters (I am the youngest).  We all knew she had something not right.  But they spent so much less time with her-and they don't care much for talking about her illness.  It is hard -as a parent-to understand that you can be so cruel, cold and rejecting of your own daughter when she is in pain ect.  That is why I just keep saying"I have no mother" because this is all just starting to sink in.   And I am feeling gross that I was an emeshed child, (not sexually abused) but cuddled like I was part of a simees twin.  i remeber feeling like if I was hugging her (we took naps) I felt like if I even moved my arm away from her-like I'd hurt her feelings.  I was very sensitive to PEOPLES FEELINGS.  But hers like no other.  I would stay in a position even when my arm fell asleep just so her feelings wouldn't be hurt.  I thought that I HAD to live at home forever (while I was growing up)... .or she wouldn't be ok... .I thought she was MY responsibility.  I was so darn messed up inside.  I would binge on food in my teens-but didn't know why. Then my panic attacks were so bad I couldn't stop shaking (when I would go to school).  I never knew other people binged or had panic attacks... .I never heard of a panic attack back then-I just thought I was weird.   I wlaked funny, and was sooshy and withdrawn as a child and teen.  I appreciate you reading this-I have had a lot that I never expressed-some with my therapist-but not with people who truly KNOW.  I hope you all find help and healing-you deserve it-as do I.  We deserve to BE.

[Phoenix.Rising]

  Beelah,

I'm sorry you are hurting, but I'm very glad you found this website.  I believe you will find it very beneficial.  I can relate to a lot of what you shared.  You have a good ability to describe what you felt and experienced.  It really resonated with me.  I became aware about a year ago that my mother very likely has BPD.  I am still trying to digest it.

Like you, I had a very enmeshed relationship with her for many years, and still do to some extent.  I have, however, created boundaries with her and I have detached quite a bit over the years.  I have been in recovery from alcoholism for many years, but just recently realized this about my mom.  I was in a relationship with a woman who I believe has BPD.

It was interesting to hear you say you left your arm there even when it fell asleep.  I don't know how many times I've done that with a significant other, but I've never hear anyone speak about it like you did.

Good article:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

This book was interesting:

Understanding the Borderline Mother

How long have you been in therapy? 

Phoenix.Rising

[Beelah]

Hi Phoneixrising,

I appreciate your response very much.  This is the first time I ever "spoke" with another person of a mother with BPD, and an enmeshed relationship.  It feels so good to just have someone who truly understands.  I am sorry that you had to go through similar things.  I know that relationships can be so difficult. 

It is refreshing to hear you say that you do that (with your arm with your significant other).  I think that even though it seems like a small thing-it (at the time) for me said so many things about the role I was in, and the part of myself that I put aside, the denying my own needs-my own self.  It sounds sweet when I read that you do that with your significant other... .so why do you think you do that?  I am asking because I know for me (after therapy ect.)  that I did things like that in every aspect of my life.  Like, I had no right to be a separate person... .and my job was making her, and other people happy.

I am glad that you have created boundaries with her-it sounds like you have been working hard to "recover". 

I am happy that you have been in recovery for alcoholism for many years-that is so great.  I have been to AA and NA.  I got 2 duI's in 9 months a long time ago.  I fell in love with a man I worked for... .that is another whole story... .I did so many things that I had no clue as to WHY... .and I would fall in love with men I KNEW I couldn't have.  In the past year I have learned why I have repeated certain behaviours.

I feel that I have been in therapy for a year (regarding understanding enmeshment and BPD) but in my own way, and with some therapists for anxiety attacks, and after the DUI's ... .(on & off I guess) for 20 years.   

I am really glad you responded to my post.  How long have you been in recovery?  Beelah

[Phoenix.Rising]

Beelah,

I have been in recovery from alcoholism for over 2 decades... quite a while.  I was young when I got sober, but still continued to have many complications with personal relationships.  I've realized I was codependent at times, and that probably had a lot to do with why I neglected my needs and had no boundaries.

Co-dependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability

Falling in Love with an Unavailable Person

I can tell you are making changes, too!  That is great!  You will find a lot of people on here who can identify with you.  I suggest you start sharing on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board. 

Members can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Phoenix.Rising

[nevermore]

I was also the enmeshed and favored child. My all bad brother committed suicide a decade ago. My mother is now very old and even more needy than ever. She always confided in me, burdened me with things I didn't need to know and would wake me up to sit with her during panic attacks. Now she is 86 and still having them and still expecting me to make everything okay.  We have had a very rocky relationship since my brother died. I moved away and stopped all contact with her for three years but ended up moving back to her area. We have managed to keep it very casual and I have high bounderies but she is starting to try to bring them down.  It is good to talk to someone else with these issues. We are here for you.  Stay strong.

[Phoenix.Rising]

nevermore,

I am sorry to hear about your brother.  That is very sad.   

I have been the 'good', enmeshed child as well.  I went through a NC period for 3-4 years also, but we talk now, and my boundaries are a lot stronger, but I still find it hard not to fall into my 'role'.  I struggled with it some last night in a phone conversation with her.

Take care.

[Beelah]

Hi Nevermore,

I can't imagine how hard it must be to have lost your brother that way.

I am sorry you have to go through such a thing.

I know I have had times of guilt due to the fact  that I was chosen as "ALL Good"

and my sister (3 years older) ALL bad.  The fights, and verbal abuse toward my sister- was awful.

    I think you know it wasn't your fault in any way... you didn't ask to be the "chosen one".

And being that-has severe, awful consequences-it's no compliment once you know the WHY of things.

     I am glad that you are here, and talking.  I think it is great to be able to talk to people who truly understand because they have been there and are trying to deal with life, and live it with some joy.

      I have found that other people may say to brush things off because, after all, she is sick.  The thing is -I think you always miss not having a mother who can be there for you.  It is confusing because in life-as humans-it is natural to need the parent to be the strong, in-charge one... .the one to guide you and protect, and love you to the core without condition. 

You sound like you are strong, and trying to handle things as best you can.  I hope you have the support of a partner or friend.  I believe in God, and I believe that this life is like a pilgrimage-to a better place.  I truly believe.  I don't know where you stand on that.  Do you have other siblings?

 You aren't alone.   Beelah

[lucylou]

Thank you so much for your post Beelah, it touched me alot. I  have so many similarities with your story. My mom has also used me all her life, so i know how much it hurts to then be cast aside when you are most vulnerable. My mother did that to me many many  times. I still harbour a great deal of resentment and anger towards both my parents but particularly her as  like you as i was like a loyal servant to her for so many years.I think its amazing that you are not resentful and have managed to release some of this. Through my life I  have made choices which i wished i hadnt but now i am in counselling i can understand so much more why i made them. I have gone off and on no contact with my mom over the last few years.When I am not speaking to her it is hard but at the same time peaceful but then when she comes back into my life I have to be constantly on my guard because i realise my being happy makes her unhappy and she enjoys distrupting that. At the moment we are speaking but my bond/trust with her is  broken and will never be the same again.I guess like many of us Im grieving for the past. I  have a new partner now and a new baby after being a single parent also for 6 years. I received  minimal support from her during those years and i often felt she enjoyed watching me struggle along. At that time i had 4 children from my previous relationship,and had to cope raising them alone and yes  I left my ex because he was abusive in fact I believe he has Narcissistic personality disorder sounds so familiar doesnt it? I guess many of us are in the same boat here.     Anyway i hope you continue to get stronger each and every day and i send you support and best wishes.

[Phoenix.Rising]

  lucylou,

  It looks like this is your first post.  It takes a lot of courage to post and to begin sharing your story.  Sharing my experience here and having it mirrored by others has given me a lot of strength and relief.  I'm realizing that I am not alone. 

I'm sorry you've had to endure such difficult times, but I am glad you found our web forum.  I hope you continue to share and reach out.  Please take advantage of the many resources here.

Also, take a look at the 'Lessons'  and the 'Survivors Guide' to the right of this page.  It is great that you are in counseling.  I'm glad you have a new partner, and I hope that works out for you.  I am currently single, but casually dating.  I'm certain my last ex has BPD, and I believe my mother has it.  What is most important now is to take care of ourselves first.  Best to you.

Phoenix.Rising