Recycling

[Depression = 72% of members]

 Anyone beside me ever wonder what goes through a pwBPDs mind when it comes to recycling? I've asked my pwBPD if she doesn't think its odd that she's literally the only person I've ever seen or known who recycled her ex before me probably 15+ times and now I'm nearing the 10 breakup mark with her. I never got  an answer of course, but I'm wondering why the mere fact that they're the only person who does something so bizarre like that wouldn't raise some kind of red flag within themselves.

I feel like if I was the only person doing something so outlandish and hurtful to another person, out of all the people I've ever known, past or present, just maybe, id think that maybe I had a problem. I mean, she knows not to yell bomb on an airplane, and she knows not to rip the warning tag off a mattress... .why in the world wouldn't she see something odd about spending her entire adult life recycling exes, especially when literally, nobody else does that?

When I say that mine is the only person that recycles, I don't mean literally only ofc, I just mean in my 40 years on earth and out of the 1000s and 1000s of people I've known or met, she's the only one I've ever personally known to do this bizarre behavior. What in the world makes them think this behavior is acceptable? She knows not to go in work late, yet sees nothing odd about her actions relating to her relationship.

[blurry]

 Anyone beside me ever wonder what goes through a pwBPDs mind when it comes to recycling? I've asked my pwBPD if she doesn't think its odd that she's literally the only person I've ever seen or known who recycled her ex before me probably 15+ times and now I'm nearing the 10 breakup mark with her. I never got  an answer of course, but I'm wondering why the mere fact that they're the only person who does something so bizarre like that wouldn't raise some kind of red flag within themselves.

I feel like if I was the only person doing something so outlandish and hurtful to another person, out of all the people I've ever known, past or present, just maybe, id think that maybe I had a problem. I mean, she knows not to yell bomb on an airplane, and she knows not to rip the warning tag off a mattress... .why in the world wouldn't she see something odd about spending her entire adult life recycling exes, especially when literally, nobody else does that?

When I say that mine is the only person that recycles, I don't mean literally only ofc, I just mean in my 40 years on earth and out of the 1000s and 1000s of people I've known or met, she's the only one I've ever personally known to do this bizarre behavior. What in the world makes them think this behavior is acceptable? She knows not to go in work late, yet sees nothing odd about her actions relating to her relationship.

[FogLight]

I doubt a pwBPD is thinking very consciously when recycling, mostly just acting out of emotional need.  Who knows whether or not they see anything odd about the behavior, and even if they did see it as odd I'm certain the emotional need would override that.  Even as a non, I know I can lose sight of the big picture when in the heat of the moment and act without much thought.  It seems to me that it's like that almost all of the time for a pwBPD.

[tryingtohelp]

Hi Blurry,    interesting you mention this behaviour,  I have also had this experience with my dBPD S.O  , she has an ex who keeps walking back into her life after numerous breakups, and when he comes back she cuts me out regardless of how close we are at the time, no explanation , just a wall of non communication.  I was wondering how many others have experienced similar behaviour ? 

It is unbearable , it has happened to me twice this year , all is going well , no conflict , then all of a sudden she stops answering txts , then when I do get a reply it's like ' Stay away from me ' and suchlike.  Then a couple of months later I get a friendly little message as if nothings happened, which usually means the ex has moved out after another big bust up or he goes back in jail, then she re-connects with me.  Is this a familiar pattern to any others out there ?  I'd be interested to know.

[blurry]

I know as far as the heat of the moment goes, but somewhere along the line, you'd think a woman with 5 kids would realize hey, this month ex 1 lives here, next month ex 2, next month ex 1 is back, month later, a new guy, month later ex 1 moves back in, month later she's taking her kids and moving in with exwhoever... .at some point you think they'd see a pattern during a period of non-dysregulation.

Its funny too because she's the first one to post things on facebook about social issues, you know the ones about child abuse, missing children ect, yet her own lifestyle is so destructive towards her childrens stability.

So 3 weeks after we got married, she was asking her ex if she could move in with him. She said she was teaching her daughters (4, 8, 12, 17) to not settle for anything that doesn't make them happy and if something isn't right, lifes too short to settle... .I personally don't see any lesson in living with a different guy literally every month. Can you imagine?

I was just reading an artcle on the impulsivity of BPD, but man, dragging 5 kids through all that and still being blind to the long term implications it'll have on the kids,   I'm distancing myself from her as much for her own kids right now as I am myself.

Can't believe her moving in with me, along with her kids, getting married, and 3 weeks later trying to move in with an ex was some kind of positive lesson she was trying to teach her kids. What about teaching them the meaning of marriage vows, loyalty, commitment and faithfulness and respect?

[Mutt]

What about teaching them the meaning of marriage vows, loyalty, commitment and faithfulness and respect?

It took me a long time to wrap my head around this. I took my vows seriously.

I'm only speaking for my ex uBPDw. Marriage to her was just a piece of paper. The vows and the rest of it meant nothing.

My ex and I were on two completely different pages in the relationship/marriage.

Hard pill to swallow, but it is what it is. 

[Yolo]

Hey there blurry

This is the thing about recycling... .it takes two.  We aren't really 'recycled'.  The way I understand it is that is more a verb than a noun, and we particpate. We agree to keep tap dancing on the merry go round.

In your case, there is her who came back into your life 10ish times and there is you who accepted it 10ish times.  Her ex 15ish times, etc.  

In my view, if the pwBPD has a pattern of returning, it will probably keep on indefinately until someone stops rolling out the welcome mat.  Better adjusted people typically don't have these patterns, no.  But that says something about us as well.

That said *sigh*... .I had 4 major 'reconciliations' over 4 years (and I'm not counting the postures that would last 4 hrs to a day, because I can't count those).

And I will say I did see the pattern not only in my relationship, but with a few longer term friendships of my ex's.  After a while I'd just roll my eyes (inside) when he'd say he and hit__ weren't talking anymore and he hated their guts because I knew in a few months they'd be back in the fold in a few months.  And I heard stories about how he 'tried' to divorce his "psycho" ex wife 3 times before it actually took.  I really dont know about other relationships as I understand he didn't typically enter into LT relationships.  My guess is anything longer term had more than one cycle unless the gal was smart.

Oddly enough, for SOME of them, that same quality that can seem to make them forget they loved you also can seem to make them forget they hated you as well.  It's the whole unfun splitting and artwork they tend to do in black and white.

It is very important for us to examine why we participated, because as I said, better adjusted people are able to 'get' the breakup/makeup/breakup/makeup is a lost cause and shut the door on it.  This forum has some good lessons on recycling.

As for me, in the future, I think realistically, I'll only ever allow one reconciliation then adios if it doesn't work out after that.  When we reconcile there is usually an effort made to understand what went wrong the first go round and a real effort for both parties to avoid making the same mistakes.  If the message didn't get across the first time, it probably won't.

[Learning_curve74]

We only see the outward signs but are mostly blind to the inner struggles -- that can be about anybody we know not just pwBPD! To understand why somebody does something, you have to think like they think. blurry, you are thinking like a non, not like a pwBPD, so if course it makes no sense to you. Remember that her maladaptive behaviors have also allowed her to survive this long, this is the kind of experience she's had ALL her life. She may even realize it's not the norm but it gets her what she needs to cope with her feelings. We say it's maladaptive because it's a quick fix that isn't a permanent solution, like getting drunk when you're depressed, it is a short term fix but a total failure as a permanent solution.

Let's go back to BPD basics. pwBPD have little to no sense of identity and feel an intense emptiness, thus part of their need to mirror; it gives them a piece of identity however temporary and also helps attract people to them. They also have intense fear of abandonment yet fear of engulfment too. Their feelings are extremely intense, one pwBPD described themselves as like being one large raw nerve ending. They think in black and white which leads to splitting. They have high emotional lability so their emotions can change from one extreme to another. To them, feelings are facts. They have high impulsivity so are prone to leap before they look.

The intense emptiness makes it difficult for them to be alone, and like infants they need you to soothe their emptiness and to also take away the pain from their intense emotions. They have intense fear of abandonment and thus do what they need to draw you in. They idealize you because you soothe them, help give them a sense of identity, and they subconsciously need you but yet fear your abandoning them. They also have great fear of engulfment as you get too intimate, like when they are so close that they are losing themselves in you, thus becoming nothing and empty again. Due to black and white thinking, they will split you because they will start to see your flaws. That's how they enter the "hater phase" and you get the breakups. But due to how their emotions can change from one extreme to the other, they can be wanting you back very shortly. And since for them feelings are facts, it doesn't matter that they hated you yesterday because they love you today and that's all that matters. The impulsivity lets them just decide to breakup or makeup or find new partners at the drop of a hat.

And this strategy obviously WORKS for her since you broke up and made up TEN times! Yes in the long term you might get fed up, but by then she'll probably have other people lined up to use. Also if you look at BPD behavior, it's all about themselves, that is why teaching her kids anything by trying to be a role model isn't anywhere on her agenda; she is just trying to get by and survive. You are asking why a kid in an adult's body isn't setting a good example for her kids, isn't the answer obvious?

To turn it around on you: One question I have for you is that you obviously know there is something wrong with her, so why would you make up and break up so many times? Any outsider looking in would think that you have problems just as much as she has problems, otherwise you would've stopped putting up with her and stopped getting back together. To keep getting back with the same person thinking it'll be any different the 7th, 8th, or 9th time isn't normal. Is it?

blurry, please don't feel like I am attacking you for what I wrote above. I know how you feel because I am here too! I am just pointing out it's easy to wonder why our pwBPD does what they do but ignore why we do what we do. People on the outside may likely question our behavior just as much as they would the behavior of the pwBPD! And ultimately we have no control over our pwBPD, but we can control what we ourselves do. Best wishes to you.  

[Holliday]

Im noticing that the recycles get faster and faster. It took a year to get to #4 with my pwBPD. Now in two months we are on about #8 I think. it's like both of us are holding the r/s over our heads like a weapon. What once was love and intimacy (or I perceived it at that)... is now seemingly a mere tug of war.

What I'm learning is that I am the only one with the power to end this. I don't want a person that I have to "handle" or modify my behaviours for. I want to work on improving myself so that I don't end up in one of these loaded relationships again... He will never get well. We will always have this power struggle. Every recycle for me seems to get worse and worse, like a never ending bottom where my morals and self worth get chipped away more and more and my boundaries are disappearing...

and to make it harder on me, after weeks of insane behaviour on his part with other women and fights and manipulation and sending me pics of cutting to "prove his love" ... he's angry at me because I can't get over it the next day. He doesn't understand why we need to work on trust and honesty "to make it work this time" it's sickly comical... almost.

I think ultimately it is me that has the problem for letting this continue to happen to myself...

[turtle]

This is the thing about recycling... .it takes two.  We aren't really 'recycled'.  The way I understand it is that is more a verb than a noun, and we particpate. We agree to keep tap dancing on the merry go round.

In your case, there is her who came back into your life 10ish times and there is you who accepted it 10ish times.  Her ex 15ish times, etc.  

In my view, if the pwBPD has a pattern of returning, it will probably keep on indefinately until someone stops rolling out the welcome mat.  Better adjusted people typically don't have these patterns, no.  But that says something about us as well.

And this strategy obviously WORKS for her since you broke up and made up TEN times!

To turn it around on you: One question I have for you is that you obviously know there is something wrong with her, so why would you make up and break up so many times? Any outsider looking in would think that you have problems just as much as she has problems, otherwise you would've stopped putting up with her and stopped getting back together. To keep getting back with the same person thinking it'll be any different the 7th, 8th, or 9th time isn't normal. Is it?

blurry, please don't feel like I am attacking you for what I wrote above. I know how you feel because I am here too! I am just pointing out it's easy to wonder why our pwBPD does what they do but ignore why we do what we do. People on the outside may likely question our behavior just as much as they would the behavior of the pwBPD! And ultimately we have no control over our pwBPD, but we can control what we ourselves do. Best wishes to you.  

blurry --

I've been away from crazyx for almost TWELVE years.  He still attempts to recycle - although those attempts grow further and further apart because I will not play that game.

At the beginning of this year, I actually spoke with him (I've ignored his bs for years, but spoke with him this time.)  I was curious (curiosity killed the cat!) Surely, there had been some kind of change in him after ELEVEN years.  :)uring this conversation, it didn't take long for him to start berating me.  It took a very short amount of time for him to ask if he could see me. As soon as I said "no," the name calling started.  So... .I figured I was stupid enough to stay on the phone with him (normally, if I hear his voice, I just hang up,) now I might as well see if I could learn something,

I asked him "why do you think it's okay to call me vile names."  He said "I know I'm mean to you, but you're the one person I should be able to speak to that way."  

Because I broke NC to speak with him, this resulted in another 4 months of BS phone messages from him - some nice (overly nice) - some vile (extremely vile) - Just like so long ago, all of his emotions are extreme. And, of course (at least in my world,) once again it took Police involvement to get it to stop.

My personal belief is that every time they attempt to recycle and we take them back, they lose a little more respect for us (and their respect level isn't that high to begin with.)  I believe that at some level - they know their behavior is unacceptable.  And for them, it's a life of trying to find the next person that will put up with their BS for awhile.  When we continue to take them back time after time, we teach them that we are willing to be their whipping boy.  They know that when they feel bad, they can come to us to take out their frustrations - and we'll put up with it.  

And on the other side of that coin, we also lose a little more respect for ourselves each time we allow someone to treat us so poorly.  After 8, 9, 10, times -- it's hard to have much self respect.

turtle

[Ironmanrises]

We only see the outward signs but are mostly blind to the inner struggles -- that can be about anybody we know not just pwBPD! To understand why somebody does something, you have to think like they think. blurry, you are thinking like a non, not like a pwBPD, so if course it makes no sense to you. Remember that her maladaptive behaviors have also allowed her to survive this long, this is the kind of experience she's had ALL her life. She may even realize it's not the norm but it gets her what she needs to cope with her feelings. We say it's maladaptive because it's a quick fix that isn't a permanent solution, like getting drunk when you're depressed, it is a short term fix but a total failure as a permanent solution.

Let's go back to BPD basics. pwBPD have little to no sense of identity and feel an intense emptiness, thus part of their need to mirror; it gives them a piece of identity however temporary and also helps attract people to them. They also have intense fear of abandonment yet fear of engulfment too. Their feelings are extremely intense, one pwBPD described themselves as like being one large raw nerve ending. They think in black and white which leads to splitting. They have high emotional lability so their emotions can change from one extreme to another. To them, feelings are facts. They have high impulsivity so are prone to leap before they look.

The intense emptiness makes it difficult for them to be alone, and like infants they need you to soothe their emptiness and to also take away the pain from their intense emotions. They have intense fear of abandonment and thus do what they need to draw you in. They idealize you because you soothe them, help give them a sense of identity, and they subconsciously need you but yet fear your abandoning them. They also have great fear of engulfment as you get too intimate, like when they are so close that they are losing themselves in you, thus becoming nothing and empty again. Due to black and white thinking, they will split you because they will start to see your flaws. That's how they enter the "hater phase" and you get the breakups. But due to how their emotions can change from one extreme to the other, they can be wanting you back very shortly. And since for them feelings are facts, it doesn't matter that they hated you yesterday because they love you today and that's all that matters. The impulsivity lets them just decide to breakup or makeup or find new partners at the drop of a hat.

And this strategy obviously WORKS for her since you broke up and made up TEN times! Yes in the long term you might get fed up, but by then she'll probably have other people lined up to use. Also if you look at BPD behavior, it's all about themselves, that is why teaching her kids anything by trying to be a role model isn't anywhere on her agenda; she is just trying to get by and survive. You are asking why a kid in an adult's body isn't setting a good example for her kids, isn't the answer obvious?

To turn it around on you: One question I have for you is that you obviously know there is something wrong with her, so why would you make up and break up so many times? Any outsider looking in would think that you have problems just as much as she has problems, otherwise you would've stopped putting up with her and stopped getting back together. To keep getting back with the same person thinking it'll be any different the 7th, 8th, or 9th time isn't normal. Is it?

blurry, please don't feel like I am attacking you for what I wrote above. I know how you feel because I am here too! I am just pointing out it's easy to wonder why our pwBPD does what they do but ignore why we do what we do. People on the outside may likely question our behavior just as much as they would the behavior of the pwBPD! And ultimately we have no control over our pwBPD, but we can control what we ourselves do. Best wishes to you.  

In bold.

They will do this again and again.

I learned my lesson after she did this to me twice.

[Holliday]

My personal belief is that every time they attempt to recycle and we take them back, they lose a little more respect for us (and their respect level isn't that high to begin with.)  I believe that at some level - they know their behavior is unacceptable.  And for them, it's a life of trying to find the next person that will put up with their BS for awhile.  When we continue to take them back time after time, we teach them that we are willing to be their whipping boy.  They know that when they feel bad, they can come to us to take out their frustrations - and we'll put up with it.  

And on the other side of that coin, we also lose a little more respect for ourselves each time we allow someone to treat us so poorly.  After 8, 9, 10, times -- it's hard to have much self respect.

turtle

Yes , yes you are right. Thank you turtle... I needed to read this... I'm pretty much watching my self respect go down the drain every battle... Thank you for sharing...

[blurry]

 I really can't explain why I keep going back. It can't simply be commitment and loyalty on my part? Plus some kind of naivety that leads me to believe in her? I by all means know what I'm dealing with so wouldn't it be my self respect that refuses to let me take a passive stance towards her disrespect, thus inadvertantly making me end things in a way? It is my calling her out on questionable behavior that's ultimately ended things every time since october.

I guess on the other hand, I might win a battle by confronting her disrespectful behavior. But then taking her back might void all that out, in essence making me lose the war?

So how the heck do you win with this disorder, short of leaving permanently? That's the new issue, so much damage has been done, my imagination is even running short on answers, I can't even picture any scenario where this works now

[Ironmanrises]

There is no win or loss when it comes to this disorder... .

There is both.

Perhaps a win in the short time of idealization... .

Which is really a loss because of the inevitable devaluation that will follow... .

The only real win ultimately is when you extricate yourself from such a toxic relationship... .

The only real loss ultimately is that they lose a good kind hearted individual(the non) stemming from the behavior attributed to the disorder.

Win and a loss.

[turtle]

So how the heck do you win with this disorder, short of leaving permanently? That's the new issue, so much damage has been done, my imagination is even running short on answers, I can't even picture any scenario where this works now

As Ironman said, there's no winning.  

However... .for me... .there was no other answer but to leave permanently.

And really, to stay would have been a huge disservice to ME as well as HIM.

If "so much damage has been done" (which is where most of us end up eventually,) and you "can't picture any scenario where this works," what is your struggle about going back?  History tells you what the outcome will be. That doesn't mean the outcome isn't painful. It IS.  But... .feel it now... .or feel it later. No matter what you decide, you WILL feel it, because it's the dance you and your x do!

When she comes back around... .which she WILL do... .what is your plan?

turtle

[confusedhubby]

I agree with Learning Curves analysis. 

We only see the outward signs but are mostly blind to the inner struggles -- that can be about anybody we know not just pwBPD! To understand why somebody does something, you have to think like they think.

Let's go back to BPD basics. pwBPD have little to no sense of identity and feel an intense emptiness, thus part of their need to mirror; it gives them a piece of identity however temporary and also helps attract people to them. They also have intense fear of abandonment yet fear of engulfment too. Their feelings are extremely intense, one pwBPD described themselves as like being one large raw nerve ending. They think in black and white which leads to splitting. They have high emotional lability so their emotions can change from one extreme to another. To them, feelings are facts. They have high impulsivity so are prone to leap before they look.

You have to always remember that a pwBPD has no inner soul / identity. To then its all empty and they attain there self worth from who they are with. This is why so many psycho-therapists describe them as child like.

A pwBPD described the concept of recycling to me as being similar to switching allegiances in junior high school. Imagine if you will, a young student leaving their preppy friends to go and join the goths.  So they join the goths and fall in love with the entire concept. They begin to idolize them. Mimic there behavior. Paint there former preppy friends all black. Before you know it the pwBPD has reinvented themselves as a goth and started a new life story of who they are. This helps them in the short term by giving them a brand new identity where they can overlook there serious shortcomings.  After a while however they can't hide there insecurities from there new friends and themselves so they become disillusioned with there goth peers and decide to abandon them. Once they do, the group they fall back on are those they know -- there former prep peers. See in the mind of the pwBPD it's all about lack of identity, insecurity, acceptance and needing to avoid rejection. The old crowd of preps is one they know and who accepted them in the past and with a little bit of manipulation they can fit right in. It does not matter to them that they once painted the preps as all black or swore to never return. They are kids after all and say things on impulse all of the time. If they tire with the prep crowd they will move along to yet another... .and so on.

Speaking with my T the only person a pwBPD does not try and attempt to recycle with is one that they are certain will reject them.

[blurry]

Well, last winter I HAD moved on, accepted that it was over and had gotten involved with a really awesome woman, from what I could tell. That was over 2 months after the breakup with my pwBPD. I had honestly believed my ex had hated me and believed I would never see her again. So basically, I was well on my way to full detatchment at the 9 week mark. I think if she didn't reach out, that I would of been ok.

Unfortunately she did reach out and I took the bait. I dropped the new girl like a bad habit three days after my pwBPD beckoned. Which further leads me to believe its not me being needy, if I could leave someone so easily. And this new woman had me on a pretty tall pedestal too, come to think of it. Just something about my wife that has me so caught. I do know its just a matter of time to detatch, plus I'm convinced she's gonna have to find a path of lesser resistance at this point after the way  I blew things out of the water this last breakup. I'm nearly positive she never witnessed anyone react the way to her breaking up the way I did this last time.

But then again, that brings me back to their BPD mind erasing tricks, she seems to be able to foget her own promises and bizaare behavior as well as anything outrageous that I might do or say in response, its really interesting.

[Ripples]

What I dont understand fully is why we get recycled when they appear to be happy and settled. Also, how can they find someone to be so happy and settled with? What type of person finally allows them to have "a healthy, lasting relationship"?

[Learning_curve74]

So basically, I was well on my way to full detatchment at the 9 week mark. I think if she didn't reach out, that I would of been ok.

blurry, not being entirely honest with ourselves helps keep us trapped in unhealthy relationships. If you were truly detached, then would you have fallen for your wife's same old tricks when she reached out to you? What exactly was different this time versus all the other times?

Unfortunately she did reach out and I took the bait. I dropped the new girl like a bad habit three days after my pwBPD beckoned. Which further leads me to believe its not me being needy, if I could leave someone so easily.

  Isn't the problem why you can't leave your BPD wife easily? As for the new girl, you don't need much energy to detach from somebody you are not that attached to, correct?

But then again, that brings me back to their BPD mind erasing tricks, she seems to be able to foget her own promises and bizaare behavior as well as anything outrageous that I might do or say in response

If you can forget or at least minimize and/or ignore her promises and bizarre behavior, why shouldn't she be able to do the same? Your actions confirm to her that she can keep repeating the same boundary breaking behaviors with you and get exactly what she wants. The fact that you choose to recycle your dysfunctional relationship says something about you more than it does her.

There is something to be said for believing in dreams, having faith, and being persistent. These are generally strengths, but the dynamics of a BPD relationship can turn these strengths against us like a judo master redirects your own strength to throw and defeat you.

If everyday you wished with all your heart for the sun to rise in the west but it never does, would you think there is something with the sun or with your wishful thinking?

[Learning_curve74]

What I dont understand fully is why we get recycled when they appear to be happy and settled. Also, how can they find someone to be so happy and settled with? What type of person finally allows them to have "a healthy, lasting relationship"?

Hi Ripples! I'd ask you this: do you believe a pwBPD is "happy and settled" if they are trying to engage a recycle or affair with you while they are with another partner? If so, our definitions of "happy and settled" are quite different!

The answer to the second question is the pwBPD doesn't have a healthy lasting relationship! Unless they can learn to manage their BPD through long term therapy, you shouldn't expect any change in their behaviors. It's like asking somebody who's only ever spoken and written English their entire life to start speaking and writing Chinese. It will take years of hard work and their Chinese will probably always be tinged with an English accent... .

[blurry]

 Learning curve, that's part of the problem, she erases her mind somehow, while I DON'T ignore, forget or minimize the promises or the past. Basically, I've carried all that into each recycle in the form of resentment, which ultimately triggers her leaving I think. At first it started with her leaving over non-issues or seemingly minor ones, but the last 4 or 5 times, the breakups breakups come after I call her out on her disrespectful behavior, stuff id probably ignore or not evaluate too closely if not for our past and all my built up resentment and lack of trust.

Basically I go back into a recycle with her every time, telling myself she's sick, and I'm gonna do everything in my power to forgive, and be non-reactive towards her periods of dysregulation. Instead of using the tools to let her self soothe, I usually lose it finally, after a period of hot/cold on her part. I never expected her to change, I keep thinking maybe I can, but I always fail. And in the heat of the moment, I end up fighting with her as if she's a reasonable sane person, wondering why she doesn't see her insane behavior for what it is. Its always in hindsight that I'm sitting here wondering if I had only done this or that different. Or if I only had stepped away and gave something more time before bringing it up. Or had picked my battles with her differently... .

[snappafcw]

Blurry my ex left me for good as well when I called her out on her abusive passive aggressive behavior, her lies and her snarky remarks. They want a doormat to enable them because Its just too much pain for them to change. Even when we had an argument one time my ex said to me i thought you were different and would accept me as I am... .She knows there is a problem but doesn't think she has to change and when she left the last time she even said im just going to forget everything and start over... .

She has tried to fish with someone on a fake account and she also sent a very ordinary text message... .She is too scared to re-engage me because she now knows I have boundaries... .Boundaries and no one.

[blurry]

Yep snap, I've gotten the threats about forgetting this ever happened, scary thing is I believe she IS capable of forgetting and simply moving on, while I'll never be able to forget. Guess its my vindictive side that wants her to feel the same hurt as I do, but what does it really matter what she feels?

[fiddlestix]

Yea, we fear they will forget us.  Our love and faithfulness was real.  We will never forget that.  The way my dBPDexwife moved on to the next guy so fast I have receded into the haze of her memory.  Or so it seems, even though she stll occasionally sends me a text about various things.  And the texts are usually so "common" sounding, as if we are still together.  Maybe I am still an object to be used for whatever, even though we are no longer lovers.  The BPD passion switch can be turned off and on so easily.  Perhaps she will try and recycle me again in the future, when, and if, her current fling ends.  Although it will nourish my ego, I pray I have the strength to deny her advances.  After 25 years this woman has a grip on me, even though I strongly dislike her.

Fiddlestix

[Ironmanrises]

They don't forget.

They just want it to appear that way.

It gives them that illusion of power of you.

They don't forget cause they actually come back more times then not.

They exhibit stalking behavior in the NC period.

Mine did all of the above.

NC protects you from all of that.

[fiddlestix]

Ironman, good point. My ex has not forgotten me.  I am just no longer "ideal" to her.  Her boy toy is the current ideal.  Yet, she is still wanting to "be friends."  I cannot be her friend.

  Perhaps we will all meet boy toy on this site in the future when she squeezes the soul out of him.  Or, maybe in her "old age" (47)  she is ready to settle in and enjoy life with her new man.  Still in the FOG today... .  my intellect and heart are disconnected today... .

Fiddlestix

[Jbt857]

If it helps, my exBPDh was younger than me by 10 years.

Holding on to the age gap isn't conducive to anything. It's not that her new guy is younger. Or that the relationship is perfect.

That's just the perception they want you to buy into. What you and her had was an illusion. This new relationship is no more or less illusionary than the one you two had.

My 'toy boy' (sorry, whatever I think of him, that term is demeaning) is now with a younger woman. I could let that destroy me. Or I could realise that's because he's incapable of the emotional maturity required of an adult relationship.

The age really is a just number. Step back and see the bigger picture. Don't let that hold you back from moving forward. If you do, you're missing the point, IMO.