I feel guilty & I haven't even left yet...

[hurtbyboderline]

Hi Everyone,  My plan is to leave by Monday at the latest & drive back home w/out my BPDGF. It's 1500 miles away. She'll have her car, a place to stay & lots of family here so I'm not deserting her (she has no home back where I'm going). I have to get out of this relationship! She's cheating & doing all the other typical BPD stuff! I HAVE to break up... .BUT, I feel so guilty just thinking about it. How she's going to be so so very up-set & hurt! I don't like hurting people! Although it doesn't seem to bother her to cheat on me! And she'll NEVER stop... .Thanks for listening.  zzz

[turtle]

Good for you for having a plan.  And, for covering all the bases.

You've made a point of making sure she's in a place where she has support.  That's very nice of you!

You will feel guilty, but you have made your decision to have a better life -- the guilt will lessen over time.  Putting up with someone cheating is no way to live!  Kudos to you for moving on!

How are you going to handle telling her... .and what will be your parameters for contact after you leave?

turtle

[seeking balance]

I HAVE to break up... .BUT, I feel so guilty just thinking about it. How she's going to be so so very up-set & hurt! I don't like hurting people!

Unfortunately, sometimes in life in order to save ourselves, we do hurt someone else.  You have been hurt deeply by her also it sounds like - and you are not abandoning her and it is not your job to save her.

Good for you taking care of your own life now.  It's ok to feel the guilt, just don't get consumed by it... .you have a right to be happy and healthy.

Turtle asked 2 great questions.

Peace,

SB

[Aussie0zborn]

That guilt thing always gets us! It's not like you're abandoning her in the middle of the dessert without a car so go easy on the guilt trip. Just remember she doesn't feel guilty about anything she's done to you. The further you drive away from her, the closer you get to a sane life.  Good luck.

[SeekerofTruth]

Well said Aussie. 

Guilt is spelled with a capital "G".  As in "F.O.G." (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

Drive safe and take care of your self.  YOUR SELF, NEEDS YOU!

You have a right to be happy and healthy.   

[hurtbyboderline]

Turtle, Seeking Balance, AussieOzborn & SeekerofTruth, First off, I'll have a rental car parked next door that already has my stuff in it. She won't notice the car nor the missing luggage & I can go get the car without a problem. She's to into herself to notice this stuff. LOL... .Two plans for telling her. Plan 'A' (which is my preferred plan) is to have a short talk with her telling her we should break up cuz she cheated (of course, even w/out cheating I have more than enough reason to leave). Then I'll just leave when she's not looking. This will eliminate the threats, throwing of stuff at me, etc. Plan 'B' is only if I can't muster up the nerve to go with plan 'A'. I'll write a letter to her saying I'm breaking up with her, hide it, leave & then call or text & tell her where the letter is... .Contact after?  I already have a new phone with a new number. I will mostly use this & on my old phone I'll block her calls/texts. I'll delete my Facebook for a few weeks & when I start it back up I'll unfriend & block her. I'll also block e-mails. So NC. I've broken up before & kept in touch. Doesn't work! When I get home I'll have to get a place to live as I sold the house before we left. So she won't know where I live.  

I needed to hear what everyone said! Thank You Again! 1) It's not my job to save her. 2) I didn't give her the illness. 3) I will have a better life! 4) To save myself I might have to hurt someone else. (Someone who has hurt me). 5) She doesn't feel guilty about she's done to me. 6) I have a right to be healthy & happy! 7) F.O.G = Fear, Obligation & Guilt... . Please I welcome fedback on my plan!   zzz  

[MindfulMan]

! 1) It's not my job to save her. 2) I didn't give her the illness. 3) I will have a better life! 4) To save myself I might have to hurt someone else. (Someone who has hurt me). 5) She doesn't feel guilty about she's done to me. 6) I have a right to be healthy & happy! 7) F.O.G = Fear, Obligation & Guilt... . Please I welcome fedback on my plan!   zzz  

Do not allow yourself to feel guilty. It is part of the enmeshment and manipulation. You have a good plan. Just walk away. It doesn't matter what you do. She will project, devalue because the very act of leaving will trigger her abandonment fears. Take care of yourself first and foremost. And really go NC. Move on with your life. The quicker and cleaner the better. We are here for you. You're doing great.

[SeekerofTruth]

  plan) is to have a short talk with her telling her we should break up 

If you talk with her, be careful.

I've had plans to have a "short" talk before.  96% of the time, a "short" talk became hours.  Never really experienced that, to that degree before. Just sayin.

I am hearing you are planning your escape.  Ok.  Overall, with the details you have shared, sounds appropriate and effective.  It sounds like you are ending it for good.  I've made the mistake of wanting it to end on "good terms" "as friends".  Sometimes that does not work and you just need to end it as not friends or on not the best of terms.

If i may, i think just leaving the letter where she eventually will find it is sufficient.  You could say you are not interested in maintaining this relationship after having given it further thought.  I think it's easier this way for us both.  Take care, Thanks for everything.  Good-bye.  Then roll on into your new life, your future and your sanity and self-respect in tact.  Good luck.  Let us know when you've made to your new locale.  And do consider, if you may or may not be a BPD magnet  (as i have been/am) and if so, look into doing inner work, so that the next relationship you develop has a less likely chance of devolving into a "Here, we go again" story.  Live and learn as they say.  I appreciate your strength and resolve.  Do what's in YOUR best interests in leaving, however it unfolds.  Be strong.

And if you get recyled on your way out the door, or halfway there you turn around and go back, let us know too.  Sorry, couldn't resist. 

Indeed, the quicker the cleaner the better.  Time to man up.  Time to move on.  Just go.

[Learning_curve74]

I needed to hear what everyone said! Thank You Again! 1) It's not my job to save her. 2) I didn't give her the illness. 3) I will have a better life! 4) To save myself I might have to hurt someone else. (Someone who has hurt me). 5) She doesn't feel guilty about she's done to me. 6) I have a right to be healthy & happy! 7) F.O.G = Fear, Obligation & Guilt... . Please I welcome fedback on my plan!   zzz  

Keep these 7 things in your mind, hurtbyboderline! If you need to, you can even write them on the back of a business card and keep it in your wallet to read and remind yourself anytime you are feeling weak. Better yet, if you can memorize them like a mantra, you can always pull them up and repeat them over and over in your mind to block out other thoughts that might be holding you back.

You have a good plan. I hope you can keep your talk short and neutral. Time for a road trip! 

[hurtbyboderline]

Thank you Mindfulman, Seekeroftruth & Learning_Curve74! Well, I'M GONE! It was a lot harder than I thought it'd be but this AM she left the house for what I knew was at least 50 - 60 minutes. While waiting for the cab I thought I was going to have a heart attack! What if she gets home before the cab gets here! Why are we scared of them? I mean there's NO way she could beat me up! Wait, forgot about a mental 'beat-up'! Anyway, I'm now 7 hours away from her. And no, I won't try to be 'just friends'. I did that last time I left her! And I'm NC so far. Oh, & to anyone else who's considering having a 'talk' with there BL before leaving. PLEASE listen to what Seekeroftruth said 2 posts about this! Two nights before I left I said something to her about the cheating. Oh Wow! DON'T do it! It was a disaster. So I left a not this AM saying; "Sorry but it's just not working out. I wish you the best". I'll work on seeing if I'm a BPD magnet when I get home. "Halfway there & turn around. LOL"? Hahaha, I did think about it! Thanks again!  zzz

[Learning_curve74]

Good job, hbb. It sounds like you had a good plan and got yourself out of there with the least amount of drama.

Travel safe and hope your journey takes you through a few less storms than you've endured in the recent past... . 

[hurtbyboderline]

Thank you Learning_curve74!  ... .Couldn't have done it without all the help on this forum!   zzz

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HBB, I admire you for making a clean break.  Well done!  Time to make "You" the priority again.  Listen to your gut, not the guilt!  Lucky Jim