Indecisive VS decisive

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I made the statement in my introduction that I would post my story here.

Mere days ago I packed my bags and walked out of the home my fiance and I shared in Nevada. This was after walking out of the bar we were at spending time with her friends. Instead of pulling me aside or going home to talk she wrote little notes making statements such as, "I am no longer happy in this relationship and I don't know what to do." Then she would proceed to laugh with her friends and act as if nothing was going on. Even on the walk to said bar we were discussing our move to Washington and the house we hoped to attain. However, an hour later she was no longer in love. We met around 8 months ago and were officially together for 6 of those months. I lived in California and she lived Nevada, it was long distance at first. Until she was evicted from her home and I had no intention of letting my significant other be homeless. I drove there and I picked her up, she moved in with me after that and as I said before, it was the best ad worst six months of my life. For the first four months it was very intense, almost to the point of making me uncomfortable. Even within the first couple of weeks she was telling me I was everything she could ever want and need. When living with me I would wake up to little notes, letters, drawings, breakfast, etc. Basically the picture perfect relationship, something that people day dream about or see on television. She then began to cling, she wanted to go everywhere with me, if I got out of bed she would ask where I was going, if she went outside to smoke a cancer stick--she asked me to accompany her. She began telling me she felt as if I were her soul mate and that she wanted to have a long life with me, "I live for waking up next to you." When we started to hit the fifth month mark I noticed her demeanor changed she would either be overly happy or hit lows I have never encountered before in my life. She began to tell me that some of the things she had stopped doing before we met was only done so she could gain my interest. Our sex life began to diminish, the "I love you's" were becoming less frequent, and then suddenly they would return for a day or two, but leave just as quickly as the appeared. I ended up losing my job and being evicted due to her, however I just looked at it as a rough patch that could be overcome. She however blamed our relationship. If the car broke down it was because we were together, my loss of income was because we were a couple, etc. She then began to say she no longer felt a spark and wasn't sure how to cause it to emerge once again. She slept constantly while I did everything around the house and for us. We finally were able to move to Nevada and save money for our next move (our final destination) for school and where the venue was for our marriage. She hit a lasting high when we moved, suddenly she was in love again, our sex life perked up, she was doing all the things she used to. A week after moving she was pulled over and arrested for missing a court date. It was legitimately the worst week of my life, but I did everything to get her out and back home. That finally happened and everyday she as in jail, she called me bawling, proclaiming I was all she thought about and just wanted to be in my arms again, needed me more than she knew, etc. When she returned home she jumped on me and wouldn't let go. She gave me a letter and it was the best letter I have ever received, it gave me hope. In it she said, "This experience has made everything so clear. It has never been so crystal clear what I want and that is you. I was you and us and I just want to come home and be in your arms. I am so in love with you." I asked her if she truly meant all of what she had written. She said yes and kissed me. Two days later, what I wrote at the beginning of this occurred. She began crying and telling me she just didn't feel a spark and was trying so hard to fall back in love. I still went to the bar with her and she proceeded to make me a rose out of a napkin and kiss me. Later the little notes of unhappiness were passed to me, and a friend of her's asked me to walk outside with him. Where he told me she went outside and told him that she was in love with someone else. (something she confirmed and then denied later) I called my best friend and she came to pick me up. I told my fiance to have a good time with her friend. She completely flipped out and instead of trying to keep me or stop me, anything, she assumed I would be home and she yelled, "I least let me into the room when I get home. Which probably won't be tonight!" So at that time she thought I was going to be home. Later I returned to the bar to retrieve my hoodie and to tell her I had packed my things. A couple of people walked out and approached me, they said, "I think you should know that after you left earlier, she went back inside, laughed with her friends, sat on his lap and started kissing him." So instead of coming after her fiance, she was intimate with someone else moments after I had gone home. I am now being made out to look like the bad guy, though I stayed even when she told me there was no spark before me had moved, I moved with her, I tried to be rational and calm when she wasn't. Yet I am somehow the one who left her, when she checked out of our relationship months before I ever packed my bags.

We were planning our wedding up until that very night. I am basically a wreck and I fail to understand how someone can talk to you about your wedding but 10 minutes later say they aren't in love. I felt if I didn't leave that she was going to drag me down further and I am not the type of person who deals with being treated like a doormat. I value respect and hold it in a high regard. Even when I went back to the bar and she heard them tell me that she cheated on me, she still had the audacity to yell, "You're leaving? Way to talk about it!" and an hour later sent a text that said, "I was going to stay with you because you treat me right and I didn't know how to tell you I wasn't in love." All of this is so confusing and feels like I'm getting severe whiplash at every turn. I'm not even sure how to deal with any of this or heal. I thought I was going to spend my life with this person and suddenly they aren't in love and everything is my fault?

Admittedly I have had thoughts of just not waking up. Which is very out of character for me. I hope you guys are able to help because right now this independent female feels like a broken and humiliated doormat.

[Ghostofvangoghsear]

I made the statement in my introduction that I would post my story here.

Mere days ago I packed my bags and walked out of the home my fiance and I shared in Nevada. This was after walking out of the bar we were at spending time with her friends. Instead of pulling me aside or going home to talk she wrote little notes making statements such as, "I am no longer happy in this relationship and I don't know what to do." Then she would proceed to laugh with her friends and act as if nothing was going on. Even on the walk to said bar we were discussing our move to Washington and the house we hoped to attain. However, an hour later she was no longer in love. We met around 8 months ago and were officially together for 6 of those months. I lived in California and she lived Nevada, it was long distance at first. Until she was evicted from her home and I had no intention of letting my significant other be homeless. I drove there and I picked her up, she moved in with me after that and as I said before, it was the best ad worst six months of my life. For the first four months it was very intense, almost to the point of making me uncomfortable. Even within the first couple of weeks she was telling me I was everything she could ever want and need. When living with me I would wake up to little notes, letters, drawings, breakfast, etc. Basically the picture perfect relationship, something that people day dream about or see on television. She then began to cling, she wanted to go everywhere with me, if I got out of bed she would ask where I was going, if she went outside to smoke a cancer stick--she asked me to accompany her. She began telling me she felt as if I were her soul mate and that she wanted to have a long life with me, "I live for waking up next to you." When we started to hit the fifth month mark I noticed her demeanor changed she would either be overly happy or hit lows I have never encountered before in my life. She began to tell me that some of the things she had stopped doing before we met was only done so she could gain my interest. Our sex life began to diminish, the "I love you's" were becoming less frequent, and then suddenly they would return for a day or two, but leave just as quickly as the appeared. I ended up losing my job and being evicted due to her, however I just looked at it as a rough patch that could be overcome. She however blamed our relationship. If the car broke down it was because we were together, my loss of income was because we were a couple, etc. She then began to say she no longer felt a spark and wasn't sure how to cause it to emerge once again. She slept constantly while I did everything around the house and for us. We finally were able to move to Nevada and save money for our next move (our final destination) for school and where the venue was for our marriage. She hit a lasting high when we moved, suddenly she was in love again, our sex life perked up, she was doing all the things she used to. A week after moving she was pulled over and arrested for missing a court date. It was legitimately the worst week of my life, but I did everything to get her out and back home. That finally happened and everyday she as in jail, she called me bawling, proclaiming I was all she thought about and just wanted to be in my arms again, needed me more than she knew, etc. When she returned home she jumped on me and wouldn't let go. She gave me a letter and it was the best letter I have ever received, it gave me hope. In it she said, "This experience has made everything so clear. It has never been so crystal clear what I want and that is you. I was you and us and I just want to come home and be in your arms. I am so in love with you." I asked her if she truly meant all of what she had written. She said yes and kissed me. Two days later, what I wrote at the beginning of this occurred. She began crying and telling me she just didn't feel a spark and was trying so hard to fall back in love. I still went to the bar with her and she proceeded to make me a rose out of a napkin and kiss me. Later the little notes of unhappiness were passed to me, and a friend of her's asked me to walk outside with him. Where he told me she went outside and told him that she was in love with someone else. (something she confirmed and then denied later) I called my best friend and she came to pick me up. I told my fiance to have a good time with her friend. She completely flipped out and instead of trying to keep me or stop me, anything, she assumed I would be home and she yelled, "I least let me into the room when I get home. Which probably won't be tonight!" So at that time she thought I was going to be home. Later I returned to the bar to retrieve my hoodie and to tell her I had packed my things. A couple of people walked out and approached me, they said, "I think you should know that after you left earlier, she went back inside, laughed with her friends, sat on his lap and started kissing him." So instead of coming after her fiance, she was intimate with someone else moments after I had gone home. I am now being made out to look like the bad guy, though I stayed even when she told me there was no spark before me had moved, I moved with her, I tried to be rational and calm when she wasn't. Yet I am somehow the one who left her, when she checked out of our relationship months before I ever packed my bags.

We were planning our wedding up until that very night. I am basically a wreck and I fail to understand how someone can talk to you about your wedding but 10 minutes later say they aren't in love. I felt if I didn't leave that she was going to drag me down further and I am not the type of person who deals with being treated like a doormat. I value respect and hold it in a high regard. Even when I went back to the bar and she heard them tell me that she cheated on me, she still had the audacity to yell, "You're leaving? Way to talk about it!" and an hour later sent a text that said, "I was going to stay with you because you treat me right and I didn't know how to tell you I wasn't in love." All of this is so confusing and feels like I'm getting severe whiplash at every turn. I'm not even sure how to deal with any of this or heal. I thought I was going to spend my life with this person and suddenly they aren't in love and everything is my fault?

Admittedly I have had thoughts of just not waking up. Which is very out of character for me. I hope you guys are able to help because right now this independent female feels like a broken and humiliated doormat.

[Surnia]

Hi ghost

so sorry to hear what brought you here. 

Its rough to go from honeymoon and probably marriage to being alone.

Its quite textbook, you are sharing the same destiny with a lot of others here. I don't know how familiar you are with BPD, this video could be a start.

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?.

It could be even possible that she will contact you again, many members are going through on and off rs.

Yes, you are feeling like a doormat, you are not. You fall in love with someone with probably a interpersonal disorder or at least strong traits.

What you can do for yourself: Reach out to friends, make long walks with your dog. Reading and posting here.

We are here for you, ghost.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Ghostofovangoghsear,

I wanted to welcome you on the Leaving Board as well.  I hear and feel the pain in your story.  Some of it hits very close to home with me.  The first Christmas with my ex she wrote some of the most endearing notes I've ever received and placed them on certain items and gave them to me.  It was obvious she put some thought into it.  There were many other little things she did that were very special to me.  I also spent a significant amount of time choosing little gifts for her that had a lot of meaning to me.  I wrote several poems for her.  I had never felt so alive as I did when we were getting along.  I was on a high. 

The first time she told me she needed some space, it seemed to come out of nowhere.  The was the first of many times when she would turn ice cold and turn away, often after we had a very intimate time together.  One thing I've come to realize is that someone with BPD often has an intense fear of abandonment coupled with an attachment disorder.  They will start to get close and then pull away.  This push/pull can seemingly go on forever. 

I'm very sorry you are going through this, and I understand how baffling it is.  Please know that there are many who have experienced something very similar and who have made it out the other side.  When you feel up to it, take a look at the Lessons to the right of this page.  Hang in there.

Phoenix.Rising

[Ghostofvangoghsear]

Well, she is already in another relationship and we broke up a mere days ago. So I think baffling is

quite the understatement.

[Reg]

Hi ghost,

It is so hard to understand what happens, I know exactly how it feels.

I was cheated on myself, and at the end of my relationship my ex partner already had a replacement ready, which she didn't get, and she just jumped on to the next person available, the best friend of that person. 

On Christmas she was still in love with me, the week after that with someone else, and the week after that she was in bed with someone else she was now "in love" with... .

Well in love... .  they don't know unfortunately what in love and loving means.  Borderline love is very diferent from what we see as love or being in love.  It's all about their needs, and the moment they feel you will not read their mind on the matter, they fear you will abondon them due to this.  So they prepare the next relationship or do a recycle.

I know how hard it is, but the fact is that once you learn more about borderline and borderline behavior, it all becomes very clear.

You have to understand and know, that it is not you, it is not even them, as they don't even know themselves who they are, it is the borderline that takes over.

It doesn't take away the hurt, but it is a start for recovery.

Take care !

Reg