I am in love with someone who doesn't exist

[24/7/30]

First, thank you for this board and thanks for all the support.  I have friends yes, but I am always afraid to wear them out with my stuff... plus they don't understand how I could stay with someone who took me to such lows that driving into a brick wall seemed the only way out.  To be dead.  For 15 years wrestled with this until one day I found myself walking away from it all, with the clothes on my back, and nothing else.  My Freedom Walk... .That was 3 years ago. 

Through the grace of God and my family &friends,  have a home of my own and I am doing well, at least on the outside.  I have learned that the only way I can be is with NC. That was something I had to learn the hard way, so yesterday, after 3 years of being "away" from my expwBPD, I got to day 75!  My T suggested I treat my need for contact as I would if I was in recovery from drugs or alcohol.  So I am and don't want to go back to Day 1.  Even though I white knuckle it many days.

I loved the remarkable rush when times were good.  I became addicted to that feeling of love and adoration.  Never before had I felt that.  And to get that I would endure the most abusive other side for such a long time.

What I have learned is that person who could "love me so intensely and totally" doesn't really exist.  Doesn't exist even though all I want is for her to exist, for me and for herself.  I loved to be "loved" by her. And probably will continue to wish that to be with all my might.

To all of you, thanks for posting.  Thanks for your wisdom.  Thanks for your understanding.  I am reading and digesting daily.  I will survive this.  And wish it could be different but be knowing with my rational mind it can't.  But then there is that emotional side... .

[Reg]

Hi,

The lack of identity with someone with BPD is indeed a big problem, and it is good indeed to look at our own issues.

Unfortunately the denial with many borderlines is so big that it is not possible that what we wish or wished for may ever come thrue... .

We all feel for our ex partners, for our or their children as well, we all hope that one day they will understand that they have a problem and be willing to heal or recover.

Reality however is what we have to face, that this may never happen. 

Good to hear that you've made it to day 75 NC, congrats !

I have discussed my situation with few close friends after the break up and after I knew about the BPD.  I have been very honest on the whole thing, and one may surprised how good this was accepted by them.  Just saying 

Yes you will survive this, continue on the road you've taken !

Take care

Reg

[almostmarried]

You are SO RIGHT... ."with someone who doesnt exist... and NEVER WILL !"

[bauers220]

You are SO RIGHT... ."with someone who doesnt exist... and NEVER WILL !"

I needed to read this today.  This place has become a life line for me.  I can repair my relationships with my family and friends and focus on them without having to talk about how I'm feeling... .the ups and downs of NC. 

We have gone NC so many times... .usually its her and she never sticks to it.  This time it was me.  For the first time I refused to allow her to make me feel bad for expressing my emotions regarding our lack of contact ... .I stood up for me!  I didn't lash out - I just told her I will not walk on eggshells for anyone - I am entitled to express when something is bothering me... .and refuse to feel bad for it.  I walked away - blocked her on FB and just took the least dramatic exit from her life to date.  My promise to myself here is silence.  If she tries to reach out to me... I will not respond... .

I'm only on day 2 of NC this time... .may I be strong enough to go further than the 19 day NC we had in January.

[Jbt857]

It's just a mirage, isn't it? Those best parts of us, reflected.

When I have the strength to look objectively, I see it, and it hurts.

I'm trying to be NC and lately it's got better. Now, he contacts me and I jump away, like I've been burned. We still have a few things to close off, logistically, but I see why I need that line to be drawn.

Funnily enough, I know at some point he will be back for a recycle attempt. Absolutely.

But I'm not chasing it this time, and thanks to this board, I see it for what it is, and I know how to handle it. Not saying it will be easy, but I'm certainly better prepared for when it comes.

[Ironmanrises]

Maybe you can rephrase it to "I am in love with someone who was only able to love me in moments of time"... .?

Might be easier to accept this way.

The BPD disorder as I understand it means that feelings are facts, regardless of reality... .

So based on this... .

She loved you in the x time period where she idealized you(whether it was healthy or not)... .

That is when her feelings = love = facts = thus she loved you in that specific period.

Doesn't lessen the hurt.

I know.

That is how they love us.

That is the only way they love us.

That is the only time period they love us.

Moments.

Stay strong.

[Clearmind]

I am in love with someone who doesn't exist

I thought the same - Can we call it love?

[EnigmaSoul]

I am in love with someone who doesn't exist

I thought the same - Can we call it love?

That's the most difficult part for me in recovery.  Emotionally arguing with myself about that.

Was my whole relationship a lie?

[bpdspell]

Many of us on here were/are in love with an idea of who we wanted to believe they were. Not who they actually are. Between love bombing of idealization and toxic devaluation... .lives our fantasy. Many of us are stuck in that space. It's an emotional carrot that we chase as the fantasy cookie begins to crumble and we're left with the raw truth: being caught up in the Matrix of the toxic dance.

Our ex's are very real. We just have to accept the reality that they're mentally ill. The love we feel for them we need to feel for ourselves.

Spell

[bpdspell]

That's the most difficult part for me in recovery.  Emotionally arguing with myself about that.

Was my whole relationship a lie?

No your relationship wasn't a lie. You simply loved a person who suffers from a severe mental illness. It doesn't sound like a good enough explanation but it's the truth.

I can only be responsible for my side of the relationship and what I felt was real... .not a lie. As for my ex. I accept that his mental illness renders him incapable of validating me in any emotionally healthy sustaining way. One day you will feel indifferent to caring about how your ex felt. How they feel about us really doesn't matter as much as how poorly they treated us. Due to their disorder they lack the capacity to sustain healthy communication: intimacy, love, vulnerability... .it's impossible for them to sustain these mature emotions. BPD is an attachment disorder. Attaching to others triggers their sickness. What's real about the relationship is that they're sick in the head and heart.

We aren't mind readers of their behavior but the proof of how sick they are is in their actions. The actions are what's real about them.

Spell

[Clearmind]

I agree with spell!

Our partners do love however for me it was not the kind of love that was enough for me nor was it fulfilling on every level.

For me, my break-up allowed me for the first time to really think about what I did need rather than what I thought I needed. My ex chose me and I followed - I put no thought into whether it was good for me - I just needed it and needed to be needed.

So in hindsight and looking at my own definition of love and taking him out of the equation - I did not love my ex.

[snappafcw]

I also needed to be needed by my ex. But it was real love and I put her always before myself. I know now thats not the healthy kind of love but It was still love never the less and even though she ran away because I would know longer but up with her poor behavior I was still gracious and kind until the end.

[LoneWolf768]

I wholeheartedly agree with everyone's posts. One of my lady friends told me in the beginning 'You fell in love not with a woman, but with an illusion.'

It almost seems like everything is out of balance. The relationship was all smoke and mirrors. The breakup was the only thing that's real. How fair is that?

[PrettyPlease]

Maybe you can rephrase it to "I am in love with someone who was only able to love me in moments of time"... .?

Might be easier to accept this way.

+1

PP

[Ironmanrises]

We all fell in love with a disordered person who is only capable of loving us in momentary phases.

It was all real.

That is where i think a lot of the pain stems from too.

That it was real.

Take into account that all the other moments is when they no longer love us.

That was all real too.

[LoneWolf768]

We all fell in love with a disordered person who is only capable of loving us in momentary phases.

It was all real.

That is where i think a lot of the pain stems from too.

That it was real.

Take into account that all the other moments is when they no longer love us.

That was all real too.

So Iron, what you're saying is our emotions were real... .just misplaced?

[Ironmanrises]

Lone,

Our emotions were real... .we unfortunately fell in love with a disordered person... .thus misplaced.

So yes to your question.

Just because they were misplaced... .

Doesnt mean that they should be discounted.

We all love/d a living, breathing human being.

One with a disorder that causes them to love/unlove us in return in cycles.

Sure we can call it an illusion... .

But that would only mask the fact that in essence... .

It was all real.

The good and the ugly of it.

[thisyoungdad]

I have often recently been wondering if I really loved her, or if I loved the idea of what she represented to me? Is that why I was staying so long, putting up with so much despite my doubts for a long time prior to her leaving? I do care deeply about her, she is the mother of my child. However truly loving her, which would require me to love her for who she REALLY is, I am not sure that I can say that I did because I never really knew who she was. I still don't actually, because she doesn't. For the most part, with some small exceptions I think I was in love with the dream we had. The so called white picket fence, house, the dog and cat, the cute kid etc. all the things I apparently really want and I let that then become my identity without realizing it so I loved what we built even when I was questioning months before she left whether we should be together. Yet I still hung in there, was still devastated when she left... .so I wonder if I am as guilty as she is in regards to this and I am not totally sure whether I am on to something or not. No matter what it is a sad situation.

[Changingman]

I fell for a girl who wasn't even there. No soul, no heart, just a skanky S&M vacuum.

[DragoN]

I can only be responsible for my side of the relationship and what I felt was real... .not a lie. As for my ex. I accept that his mental illness renders him incapable of validating me in any emotionally healthy sustaining way. One day you will feel indifferent to caring about how your ex felt. How they feel about us really doesn't matter as much as how poorly they treated us. Due to their disorder they lack the capacity to sustain healthy communication: intimacy, love, vulnerability... .it's impossible for them to sustain these mature emotions. BPD is an attachment disorder. Attaching to others triggers their sickness. What's real about the relationship is that they're sick in the head and heart.

We aren't mind readers of their behavior but the proof of how sick they are is in their actions. The actions are what's real about them.

That and this;

We all love/d a living, breathing human being.

One with a disorder that causes them to love/unlove us in return in cycles.

Sure we can call it an illusion... .

But that would only mask the fact that in essence... .

It was all real.

The good and the ugly of it.

Is a delightful equation for cognitive dissonance if ever there was one.

[hopealways]

That's the most difficult part for me in recovery.  Emotionally arguing with myself about that.

Was my whole relationship a lie?

No your relationship wasn't a lie. You simply loved a person who suffers from a severe mental illness. It doesn't sound like a good enough explanation but it's the truth.

I can only be responsible for my side of the relationship and what I felt was real... .not a lie. As for my ex. I accept that his mental illness renders him incapable of validating me in any emotionally healthy sustaining way. One day you will feel indifferent to caring about how your ex felt. How they feel about us really doesn't matter as much as how poorly they treated us. Due to their disorder they lack the capacity to sustain healthy communication: intimacy, love, vulnerability... .it's impossible for them to sustain these mature emotions. BPD is an attachment disorder. Attaching to others triggers their sickness. What's real about the relationship is that they're sick in the head and heart.

We aren't mind readers of their behavior but the proof of how sick they are is in their actions. The actions are what's real about them.

Spell

Very well said.  An attachment disorder, even though they are always the ones who choose us.