I am struggling to be affectionate

[PeppermintTea]

My dBPDh has recently started therapy (it's not DBT as that's not available in our area at the moment via the NHS). I've decided to stay in the relationship to give him a chance to get a handle on things but it is not easy as he is very disregulated at the moment and our relationship is very strained. However we both love our children and want to make the family work if we can.

A big problem I am experiencing right now is that H wants physical cuddles / affection as a form of reassurance especially after he has been particularly disregulated. However at the moment I quite honestly can't bring myself to be physically affectionate with him.

The last burst of abuse I received was last Thursday/Friday. On Sunday we were able to talk and H expressed a desire for me to give him some physical reassurance and I just couldn't. I don't want to cuddle him, it's like I'm saying 'yes everything you just did which affected me and the kids is perfectly ok come here let me cuddle and soothe you'.

To me this is what I do for the kids ... .they misbehave, I give them a little appropriate correction then when it's all over we have a cuddle and make sure we all know we love each other.

I just can't do this with H. I cant bring myself to show this kind of affection because I am so angry with him. I am happy to work on saving the relationship and working through these feelings but I feel that me re-instigating the physical affection will have to come some signifcant way down the line. I think this really annoys H though.

I suppose I am asking whose need is more relevant here - H's need for physical reassurance or my need for less physical contact until our relationship is on a better footing? I just don't know what to do with this. How do other people manage this kind of thing?

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[Cipher13]

While not exactly the same situation I am struggling with somethign a little similar. My uBPDw has been very vocal about the lack of intimacy over the last 4 weeks of so.  I claim I have tried (not as much as before perhaps) but over the last 4 weeks we have not been in a state mind where that type of affection seem inviting.

Example if she is yelling and calling me names. I don't feel like being close right after that. She says it has never been that way before.  I explain its not exactly the same senerio and besides there were times over the years that we would go for 3 to 4 month or more wthout that kind of contact... .even thought I tried ai would be turned down.

So when I tried to turn things up the other night... afterwords I was told I pushed i ton her and I didn't mean it. That I just acted on that becasue she said I should... Keep in mind I was being very affectionate all day as she was also.

I am having trouble gettin into that type of mood lately. We have been arguing so much that I have turned that part off and it does feel forced. I have tried to explain it that way to her but all I get in return is "you just don't want me anymore".   

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I understand how you feel, I've felt the same way. For me it helped to read up on BPD and let it sink in on an emotional level what this disorder is about. That took some time.

In the meanwhile, it's important that you remove yourself from situations where he dysregulates. The less you are exposed to it, the less resentment you feel about it. In theory it works really well, of course it's not that easy in real life. Keep working on it, education yourself about BPD and taking time-outs. There's no need for you to be in the room if he's yelling and calling you names.

How are you doing with time-outs and boundaries?

[PeppermintTea]

Thank you both for replying to me, that in itself is a big help.

Scarlet Phoenix

I feel as though I'm doing better at setting boundaries. I set one around self harm threats and that's worked (if he feels that way he contacts his emergency team now). I also set one around how he speaks to the children and I feel that he has taken on board what I said. The very real consequence of crossing this boundary is that we won't be able to live together as a family and he seems to get that I mean it.

The latest boundary I have commuicated to him is that I am not responsible for how he feels. It is not my place to try to make him feel better (he very often says that I should be doing more for him).

Last Thursday for example he was walking back from therapy instead of taking the bus because he said he wanted space. He didn't tell me though so when he didn't come home after about 2 hours I rang him and asked if he was ok. He said yes, just wanted a walk so I left it at that. But on Friday he raged at me over the phone saying I don't care because I didn't sit and talk to him or cuddle him when he got in. I told him I had asked him if he was ok and checked if he wanted me to talk and he said no so I proceeded to get on with my evening, I  then said goodbye and hung up because another boundary is that I won't be raged at especially when I'm at work.

This affection thing is really a big issue between us though. I have read quite a bit on BPD now and whilst I get it to a certain extent I am struggling to come to terms with what it is likely to mean for the rest of our lives together.

How do I go about speaking to my H about my need for some physical space (affection wise) whilst we adjust and try to work on some of the other areas in our relationship, without him interpreting this as that I don't love him or care about him?

I honsetly feel that if we could work on some other stuff first and I could have time to adjust and see some positive effects from the therapy and from changing my own behaviour, then i could work on re-kindling the affectionate side of our relationship but the more pressure I feel from H to be affectionate right now the more I want to pull away. I feel he's just asking too much of me but I don't know how to communicate that without him feeling abandoned or unloved.

[daylily]

I honsetly feel that if we could work on some other stuff first and I could have time to adjust and see some positive effects from the therapy and from changing my own behaviour, then i could work on re-kindling the affectionate side of our relationship but the more pressure I feel from H to be affectionate right now the more I want to pull away. I feel he's just asking too much of me but I don't know how to communicate that without him feeling abandoned or unloved.

I think it's reasonable for you to not feel comfortable being physically affectionate with your H under the circumstances. You seem to be focusing on how to communicate or "convince" him that this is reasonable.  I'm learning through this site and other reference materials on BPD that the focus needs to shift to you.  You are never going to convince him of anything, and no matter how much or little affection you give him, he will still find something to be dissatisfied about.  You and I (and everyone here, I'd suspect) know that what you're feeling is normal and expected under the circumstances.  Once the focus shifts to you (i.e., accepting his limitations, putting up boundaries, protecting and nurturing yourself, not trying to fill his bottomless emotional pit at your own expense), your anger and resentment should lift and you may find yourself being naturally more affectionate with him. 

  Daylily

[Scarlet Phoenix]

PeppermintTea (love your name by the way!), sounds like you've got a handle on boundaries and time-outs.

I think Daylily says it very well above, so I'll just add that if you really wish to ask for something, you can. Using the tools, learning about the disorder and the focus on that does not mean that we must never ask for or do something that is uncomfortable for our loved ones. I understand that you're concerned about how he will feel. It's very thoughtful of you, very kind and sweet.

How important is this for you?

You could use the DEARMAN format if you wish to ask for a "time-out" from physical affection. Do you know about DEARMAN?

[momtara]

Your hubby sounds like mine.  Maybe it's good that you're being honest with him.  Just explain to him that you need time - so you won't regret this later.  At least this reminds him that he has to work harder in the relationship.

I read some of your other posts.  My hubby, too, has no place to go if our family splits up.  We are getting a divorce, but I went back and forth on it over and over like you are doing.  My situation is a bit scarier, as hubby lied and said I abused our kids.  So it was harder to trust him.  But of course, leaving means he'll become completely dysregulated and unavailable for the kids.  So feel glad that at least you're giving it one more chance.  :)ivorce is painful.

[Grey Kitty]

I suppose I am asking whose need is more relevant here - H's need for physical reassurance or my need for less physical contact until our relationship is on a better footing? I just don't know what to do with this. How do other people manage this kind of thing?

We all have different perspectives on things like this. In my r/s, I am usually the one who wants some cuddling or physical affection for reassurance when we're trying to deal with something difficult.

I've had that withheld many times, usually with a verbal denial that she was doing it! (Which was of course even more hurtful!)

I've also had times where I was feeling upset or hurt over something she did. I wouldn't push her away at these times, but I also wouldn't really respond affectionately either--it just didn't feel genuine or honest to do so.

The usual result of that was my wife kinda loving at me / throwing herself at me for a while... .and eventually realizing that I'm not warming up yet, and finally getting angry with me and withdrawing.

In your case... .I guess I'd say to be generous to him but first be authentic to yourself. When he's dysregulated, get yourself as much space as you need to take care of yourself. Preferably before you are quite so upset with him.

However if you aren't feeling very affectionate, but also are not angry/hurt/upset, try to be generous when you can. (Here's another reason for getting out of the dysregulated episode faster!)

Good luck--this is a tough one to navigate well!

 GK

[PeppermintTea]

Thank you folks.

All of you have given me some really useful advice and shown me different perspectives. 

H is a bit better the last few days. I have also had time to work through how angry I felt towards him during the last episode last week and I think I've managed to let some of it go now.

I am definitely feeling less anger and resentment today which is making responding affectionately to H much easier. I think next time he has an episode I need to respond to it earlier and get some space before I get to the seething anger stage. Always something else to work on  .

[aglaophone]

You may already do this, but I would also recommend you make sure that you vocalize your feelings. Something like, "I'm feeling uncomfortable, and detached after that last episode, and I need some time to put my thoughts and feelings in order.". I think that it sets a boundary with your husband that you are allowed to have feelings too. More importantly, it's a reminder to YOU that you are allowed to have and deal with feelings.

[PeppermintTea]

You may already do this, but I would also recommend you make sure that you vocalize your feelings. Something like, "I'm feeling uncomfortable, and detached after that last episode, and I need some time to put my thoughts and feelings in order.". I think that it sets a boundary with your husband that you are allowed to have feelings too. More importantly, it's a reminder to YOU that you are allowed to have and deal with feelings.

I think this is exactly what I need to do. I'm not too good at vocalising my feelings at the moment and so this is something I could do more of as it would clarify things for both of us. Thanks for helping me see this.

PT xx