How Do I Make My BPDex Understand Why I'm Ignoring Her

[StandUpGuy]

It's been 3 days now since I've replied to anything.  She acts like she has no clue why I'm ignoring her.  I want to somehow convince her that it's the right thing to do but she just makes me feel like I'm abandoning her for no reason.  I'm sure there's not a single thing I could say to make her understand, so it's probably best that I just stick with the No Contact.  But it's really hard to do, you guys.  I know she has a disorder, but she's still a person who has feelings.  Right?  Or no?   PLEASE HELP!    :'(

[papawapa]

Neither reason nor logic will work. If you try to explain yourself she will twist it around and turn it back on you. You said it yourself, just ignore her.

[Surnia]

Hi StandUpGuy

You have the right to stay with NC. Its about you.

I hear some obligation here. Do you feel bad about going NC?

[StandUpGuy]

Yes I do feel bad.  I know that I SHOULDN'T feel bad, but I do.  I've avoided about 500 texts and about 200 calls in the past few days.  The only message I want to read from her would say something like "Ok, I admit all the awful things I've done, I admit that I was lying to you, and I'm going to the hospital to check myself in today."  But instead I get very vague messages like "I need to talk to you!  911 911 911!  It's an emergency!  It's not about Us, I promise!  Answer me!" 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Standup, Don't hold your breath waiting for the message you describe.  500 texts and 200 calls in the past few days should be a red flag, right?      Lucky Jim

[Learning_curve74]

It's ok to feel bad because you're a StandUpGuy who cares about her. You're right that she probably cannot understand any explanation or at the very least she cannot accept and process it rationally and logically. I've said this before: to me 2 + 2 = 4, but to my exBPDgf 2 + 2 = a duck smoking cigars or whatever it needs to be in her mind at the time.

It's hard and heartbreaking. Even when you think it's the right thing, that still doesn't make it any easier. Hang in there.  

[Ironmanrises]

Honestly... .You don't explain it to her.

Stay NC.

Otherwise you risk sliding right back into the position you were in before.

Hang in there.

[winston72]

"2+2=a duck smoking cigars"!  I must admit, that brought a laugh that was a good start to my day!

StandUpGuy... .so sorry for the pain!  Ugh.  Been there, as have so many on this site.  We feel for you.

I would like to comment on your choice of words for this thread, "How do I make my BPDex Understand... ."  I have felt and still feel this all the time.  So, it is easier to see in someone else's posting than my own thoughts.  StandUpGuy, you cannot make anybody understand anything, let alone a romantic partner with charged emotions and let alone a romantic partner with a disordered personality.  Ain't possible.  And, the larger problem is that you are twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to shape yourself to match her ability to comprehend.  You (as I have) will end up terribly twisted in your own thinking... .you will learn to over-identify with her twisted thinking.  

All you can do is tell her why you are not communicating.  I assume you already did this.  It is not complicated or difficult to understand.  It is quite simple for any adult and most children to comprehend.  Her reaction are not due to your inability to communicate your reasons correctly.  They are due to a complex set of issues within her... .and those issues do not improve with your involvement.

Anyway, I am getting wordy here and just elaborating on what others have said.  Hang in there.  You are not being mean.  You are not being vague.  You are not abandoning her.

Perhaps think a bit on what pulls you to jump into her confusion and urgency.  

[strikeforce]

The sad reality is that you will never make her understand.

[turtle]

Yes I do feel bad.  I know that I SHOULDN'T feel bad, but I do. 

Of course you feel bad.  It's normal for you to feel bad!  I was raised to be polite and ignoring someone - in the normal scheme of things - is certainly impolite.  It goes against every grain in my being to consciously ignore someone. 

However... .there's nothing "polite" about these relationships.  If there was, you wouldn't have to "ignore."

Keep your mind focused.  Ignoring her isn't about punishing HER.  It's about giving you the space you need to heal from the devastation of the toxicity.

It's hard... .but do it now or do it later.  Either way... .you'll have to do it eventually.

Bleh.

turtle

[Lao Tzu]

Hi Family,

     I think Turtle said it very well.  We have to do things that don't seem entirely "normal" or acceptable to us, sometimes.  This is 'tough love', something you probably understand quite well.  The difficult to accept part is that it's an attempt by you to help ... .(wait for it)  ... .you!  Yes, you are someone worthy of being helped.  Contrary to her belief, it isn't always about her.  Try to pry yourself away from the view that everything you do has to be for her, about her and approved by her.  You actually have some worth, my friend.  It doesn't matter whether she understands (she won't) or wants it (this would change with the wind).  YOU are important, too.  Hoenestly, you're way more important to the world, probably.  You can do this.  You have to, because it's the only way you're going to ever get anything approaching closure on this mess.

LT