28th day and i broke n/c

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

her emails have come more and more often over the last month. ranging fromshe knows what she lost now, im sorry to clamimg shes just checking on how im doing to letting me know how her kids are doing. last nite she sent four in the last one she got to the point of begging me to talk to her.

she said... .i really wish you would talk to me, im home alone with the kids. i see the little check mark beside my message that tells me you read them. that helps me a little.

my reply... .talk about?

her... .never mind sorry for bugging you

my reply... .your not.

her... .thank god i was scared to death you would say i was.

her... .im not trying to make this harder on us.

my reply... .what are you trying to do?

her... .i quess i just wanted to say thank you for all you do for me and for putting up with me. your a great guy and deserve to be with someone better than me.

i didnt reply to the last one dont think i will, dont know what to say to that. it is suprising to me she wrote the last message in the present tense, as if we still together. seems crazy she would send all thoose messages just to tell me that.

im not sure if shes just fishing to see if i would respond, if the little reply i did give patched up her ego for a few days, dosent seem like that would be the case, becouse her little break downs never last this long. maybe shes wanting to start over again?all i know for sue is over the last month shes emailed me about everything under the sun, trying to get me to respond.

i think with the last one shes trying to get a answer from me that i would have given in the past... .its ok i like being here for you, no one is better for me than you. you mean the world to me. can we work this out?

been down that road many times, its a dead end!

[simplyasiam]

her emails have come more and more often over the last month. ranging fromshe knows what she lost now, im sorry to clamimg shes just checking on how im doing to letting me know how her kids are doing. last nite she sent four in the last one she got to the point of begging me to talk to her.

she said... .i really wish you would talk to me, im home alone with the kids. i see the little check mark beside my message that tells me you read them. that helps me a little.

my reply... .talk about?

her... .never mind sorry for bugging you

my reply... .your not.

her... .thank god i was scared to death you would say i was.

her... .im not trying to make this harder on us.

my reply... .what are you trying to do?

her... .i quess i just wanted to say thank you for all you do for me and for putting up with me. your a great guy and deserve to be with someone better than me.

i didnt reply to the last one dont think i will, dont know what to say to that. it is suprising to me she wrote the last message in the present tense, as if we still together. seems crazy she would send all thoose messages just to tell me that.

im not sure if shes just fishing to see if i would respond, if the little reply i did give patched up her ego for a few days, dosent seem like that would be the case, becouse her little break downs never last this long. maybe shes wanting to start over again?all i know for sue is over the last month shes emailed me about everything under the sun, trying to get me to respond.

i think with the last one shes trying to get a answer from me that i would have given in the past... .its ok i like being here for you, no one is better for me than you. you mean the world to me. can we work this out?

been down that road many times, its a dead end!

[Jbt857]

Just an observation - her messages to you come across as passive aggressive to me. She's jabbing at you ever so gently with a stick, looking for a response while you feel sorry for her.

She's seeking validation with a view to a recycle is how I read it. She's tried everything else by the sounds of it, so now it's the 'poor me/I'm a bad person/you're amazing' routine.

Stay strong and don't respond. It's too soon for anything constructive to come from it if you do. Just keep up with the NC.

It's just words. Actions would indicate something had actually changed. Just words to get you to keep on playing the game. At a guess, you'll be getting the anger stuff soon enough when you don't respond to the pity party.

It's all subjective I know, but that's been my experience in a similar situation.

[simplyasiam]

thank you 857. very eye opening view point. im sure the little contact she got from will hold her off for a few days before she trying/thinks of some other reason to contact.

[Reg]

Hi simplyasiam,

Just want to confirm what Jbt857 already said.  She is trying to recycle.  I've had the same kind of lines dropping into my mail box or text messages at the time.

Looking for validation especially with that last line.

Hang in there !

Reg

[simplyasiam]

thnak you Reg. im seeing it for what it is thanks the ppl here.

ive always given her validtion for her actions in the past, im sure thats alot of what got me here.

it hit me last nite that in the past i would have caved in and and dumped validtion all over her then the whole thing starts over.

im not at the point where i can say for sure ill never be with her again but i am sure ill never stuck in the same cycle i was.

[seeking balance]

im not sure if shes just fishing to see if i would respond,

Please understand - it is not about YOU. 

She is emotionally triggered and in the past your very presence soothes that for her, so she is texting you - she doesn't want the same relationship you want, it is a need for her an emotional hole that she wants your presence to fill the void - not actually YOU.

What's wrong with responding since you already engaged with her?  Honestly, say "no, we cannot work this out - it is time for each of us to move on with our lives in separate directions."

NO need to play games with her or send her mixed messages.

NC is a tool for you to detach - not something to pull back out when you get yourself into a bind and don't want to finish the conversation now that you are uncomfortable.

IF you are truly undecided as you indicate here:

im not at the point where i can say for sure ill never be with her again but i am sure ill never stuck in the same cycle i was.

it is time to move over to the undecided board.

Are you sure you are undecided and not simply in a bargaining phase of grief?

[simplyasiam]

hello seeking and thank for you view of this.

ive told her many times ive moved on its not good or right for us to talk.

she didnt ask to work anything out  so i didnt didnt/dont feel need to say anything about that

i dont feel i sent her mixed messages as i asked nothing of her and only replied in short to the point messages.

i quess i should think of it more as refusing contact rather than n/c. im at a point where i can handel her reaching out to me without repling or having the contact rule over me.

the conversation was going no where i hadnt been before why would i have kept going with it? im not looking to fall into a trap ive set for myself many times before.

as for the bargaining with her ive made no offers to her and will not

im sure many here can say for sure they will never go back to thier ex BPD so some becouse the pain was to much and some becouse the ex dosent want to come back so they have no other place to post at this time.

as for myself i post on a few of the boards depending on the topic thats on my mind at the time.

if ive learned one thing forsure here and over the past six years of a BPD r/s its never say never.