Save yourself.

[Ironmanrises]

In the movie The Dark Knight Rises... .

Catwomans character tells Batman... .

"Save yourself.

You don't owe these people any more.

You've given them everything."

Words echoed out to me.

If your relationship with the pwBPD was like mine... .

You were giving 90% of you to the relationship... .

While they were giving back 10%... .

Not 50-50 in a normal healthy relationship.

Thus constantly overcompensating yourself in the process.

Thus exposing yourself far more then was even necessary.

Thus giving your everything.

And for what?

For nothing... .

For the pwBPD to leave.

Again.

And again.

You gave them everything(your love, your heart, your time)... .

You dont owe them anymore.

Save yourself... .Fellow nons.

You dont owe the pwBPD anymore.

You have given them everything.

[bauers220]

Funny - those words "save yourself" were in my head this morning when I woke up.

I needed to read this... .I need to keep hearing it... .

I need ONLY healthy calm in my life.  I think of all the chaos that comes with her in my life.  When she returns how much of my time is spent on the reunion - the mad dash to see her if she asks - the hours and HOURS of texting... .emailing and sharing songs to woo one another again... .Telling the "story" of how much it hurt to be apart - the "signs" that we needed to talk again... .I could go on and on... .

Then the fall from grace... who knows what triggers it... .silence out of the blue - the excuse of "I'm not always "on" or I don't have much to say... .I don't feel anything should be forced... .we are just "flowing"... .

Anything to keep distance... .to keep me on edge - waiting for the shoe to drop... .she doesn't actually come back if I give it space - she NEEDS the drama - the break up - to feel the "pain" of losing me - then she "sees the light" and back again

I have lost time with my family, events with my kids where I go through the motions cause I'm hurting inside, or going through motions so I can hurry home to chat with her... .I have lost income - LOTS of income... .money that would have put my family and I in a much better position than we are in... .I play catch up during the break ups.  I can't focus during reunion, can't focus during silent treatment... .

Its maddening and I ALLOWED it all!

[DragoN]

So true, save yourself first, and be careful not to become an easy target for another disordered individual. It's like blood in the water. Compassion and empathy draws them to you like bees to honey.

I need ONLY healthy calm in my life.

Yes, focus on work, life and friends. Healing.

[Ironmanrises]

You literally wrote your own healing process in that.  

You are better off without all that chaos in your life.

It was the same thing with me.

In round 2 of relationship... .

I too was waiting for the other shoe to drop(i knowingly took her back in knowing about her BPD and that she was going to leave again)... .

I will never do that to myself ever again.

[DragoN]

Wonder had I known about BPD in round 2 if I would have tried or not, cannot know that now. I doubt it though.

No, I will not make that mistake again either. Too much pain. Too much internal destruction. Too tired. Far too much damage. I am not the same as I was. That I regret.

[Ironmanrises]

You probably would have tried(we are only human)... .

Just to see if you could make it work... .

If love truly does conquer all... .

A naive mistake i made... .

And the horrible behavior that sprouts from their other side... .

And the eventual discard at the end... .

Destroyed my naive idyll once and for all.

I am saving myself.

Save yourself.

Your future self will thank you.

[DragoN]

Your future self will thank you.

Strange and sad the words that haunt. I knew that then as well. But, I had to try. Could not give up. Now? I give up utterly in complete defeat to the inevitable reality of that which is the chaos and torment of a PD'd r/s.

It really is what it is and it's not healthy or adding joy to life. The more you give, the more they take and resent you for it.

The discard was years in the making and I was too blind to see it.

[Ironmanrises]

Your future self will thank you.

Strange and sad the words that haunt. I knew that then as well. But, I had to try. Could not give up. Now? I give up utterly in complete defeat to the inevitable reality of that which is the chaos and torment of a PD'd r/s.

It really is what it is and it's not healthy or adding joy to life. The more you give, the more they take and resent you for it.

The discard was years in the making and I was too blind to see it.

In bold.

You must never forget that now.

Otherwise you will be in the same exact hell that you are experiencing now.

Every time i catch myself missing my exUBPDgf and what not... .

I remember her horrible words to me... .

The dysregulation that i experienced in person my final days with her in her house on my birthday... .

The way she looked at me with loathing.

That other side of her... .

All of it.

So f¥cking awful.

Hurtful beyond.

That stops the missing her thought dead in its tracks.

I dont want to experience that ever again.

[DragoN]

The way she looked at me with loathing.

This is what stops me now. The truth of what is not there.

Many years of the chaos, too much. Much too much to contain in one life time it seems. So it went and so it goes... .

Life is short, then I die.

Love? A Hollywood fairy tale I think, or a PD joke? I don't know. But I know, it cures nothing.

[Blade99d]

Wow does this post hit home... .haven't posted in a few weeks, but have still been reading.  I'm sure its similar for others, but in my relationship, it was always me going to her... .her house, her restaurant of choice, her booze of choice.  I drove everywhere, paid for everything.  The only thing I never did was pay for her bills (this is the 10%) for her.  After 4 months of nc, I ran into her roommate last week who told me she didn't live with her anymore, as my ex was crazy.  I simply said, you don't have to tell me, and we shared a shot    It was very gratifying that it truly wasn't me who was crazy and someone else saw it, but sad at the same time, that this person continues to impact peoples lives in such a negative way.  I continue to work with my T, so in a strange way, I am so happy I had her in my life - she took me to a bottomless pit, that showed me, I had work to do on myself - hence save yourself!

[Ironmanrises]

The way she looked at me with loathing.

This is what stops me now. The truth of what is not there.

Many years of the chaos, too much. Much too much to contain in one life time it seems. So it went and so it goes... .

Life is short, then I die.

Love? A Hollywood fairy tale I think, or a PD joke? I don't know. But I know, it cures nothing.

In bold.

Powerful.

Hang in there.

[Ironmanrises]

Wow does this post hit home... .haven't posted in a few weeks, but have still been reading.  I'm sure its similar for others, but in my relationship, it was always me going to her... .her house, her restaurant of choice, her booze of choice.  I drove everywhere, paid for everything.  The only thing I never did was pay for her bills (this is the 10%) for her.  After 4 months of nc, I ran into her roommate last week who told me she didn't live with her anymore, as my ex was crazy.  I simply said, you don't have to tell me, and we shared a shot    It was very gratifying that it truly wasn't me who was crazy and someone else saw it, but sad at the same time, that this person continues to impact peoples lives in such a negative way.  I continue to work with my T, so in a strange way, I am so happy I had her in my life - she took me to a bottomless pit, that showed me, I had work to do on myself - hence save yourself!

In bold.

That is what many Nons on here seem to forget.

If you are no longer in their targeting range for devaluation... .

Someone else will sooner or later... .

Become that target for them.

Their behavior may appear to improve after you are discarded.

But their disorder does not go away.

Now that I am no longer in my exUBPDgf firing range... .

She will sooner or later devalue someone else who gets close to her.

That is a proviso of the disorder.

[Relentless]

Ironmanfalls... .I really connect with you. I enjoy reading what you have to say.

For me... .I watch the Dark Knight a lot... .I think if the end when Batman runs away and takes the fall... .


The kids says, "Why is he running?"

Gordon says "We have to chase him."

Kid says, "But he didn't do anything wrong."

I gave her everything... .90% and maybe 10% yes. Same. My ex loved the batman series... .She kinda looked like Anne Hathaway too on a side note... .I always saw her as the Catwoman and I Batman (InDKR)... .In mentality... .He continues to believe in her even after she ultimately betrays him... .

It's weird maybe... .But to me it's sad... .I still believe in her... .Even after she painted me black over a misunderstanding 20 minutes after professing her need and love for me eternal... .Idk I'm spacing.

[Ironmanrises]

Ironmanfalls... .I really connect with you. I enjoy reading what you have to say.

For me... .I watch the Dark Knight a lot... .I think if the end when Batman runs away and takes the fall... .


The kids says, "Why is he running?"

Gordon says "We have to chase him."

Kid says, "But he didn't do anything wrong."

I gave her everything... .90% and maybe 10% yes. Same. My ex loved the batman series... .She kinda looked like Anne Hathaway too on a side note... .I always saw her as the Catwoman and I Batman (InDKR)... .In mentality... .He continues to believe in her even after she ultimately betrays him... .

It's weird maybe... .But to me it's sad... .I still believe in her... .Even after she painted me black over a misunderstanding 20 minutes after professing her need and love for me eternal... .Idk I'm spacing.

Thank you Relentless.

I am glad my words have reached out. 

In bold.

That describes how a lot of us view our exUBPDSO... .

Crazy right?

You are still feeling the after effects of the toxic relationship.

I know it hurts.

Your feelings are constant, normal.

Unfortunately... .

The pwBPD feelings... .

Are unstable to say the least.

A constant reversal in position.

I hate you, dont leave me.

Dont leave me, i hate you.

I love you from a distance.

I love you now.

I dont love you now.

On.

Off.

On/off.

Off/on.

Both.

Or.

Circle all the above.

Which one is it?

All.

Very damaging to us.

Hang in there Relentless.

[Mr gaga]

I gave her everything, I turned into a different person than I was two years ago for her. She needed me at 4 in the morning when I had to sleep for work and school but I came to her at her demand. I got her whatever she wanted. I was there when things were going bad for her, I never turned my back on her but was she thankful? No I got left like a dog and everything I put into that relationship was for nothing. I'm left alone and bitter. I needed her and she ignored me, I begged for her back and her and her new man and friends laughed at me. I was utterly humiliated and for what? because I cared! Because I loved her.

Do I owe her anything? no because I have nothing else to give.

[Ironmanrises]

I gave her everything, I turned into a different person than I was two years ago for her. She needed me at 4 in the morning when I had to sleep for work and school but I came to her at her demand. I got her whatever she wanted. I was there when things were going bad for her, I never turned my back on her but was she thankful? No I got left like a dog and everything I put into that relationship was for nothing. I'm left alone and bitter. I needed her and she ignored me, I begged for her back and her and her new man and friends laughed at me. I was utterly humiliated and for what? because I cared! Because I loved her.

Do I owe her anything? no because I have nothing else to give.

I am so sorry you went through that.

I too did far too many things for my ex... .

And the end result... .

She left regardless.

I know it hurts.

In bold.

Try and rephrase that to... .

"I have nothing else to give to a disordered person... .So i will focus on what i do have left into my well being... ."

I know it sounds cliche.

You need you.

You owe you to yourself.

So you can heal.

Hang in there mr gaga.

[Conundrum]

I hate you, dont leave me.

Dont leave me, i hate you.

I love you from a distance.

I love you now.

I dont love you now.

On.

Off.

On/off.

Off/on.

Both.

Or.

Circle all the above.

Which one is it?

All.

Yet despite that they remain human beings. There are three scenarios relevant to this board. We were aware that they had serious issues prior to committing. We grievously suspected that they had serious issues prior to committing. We became aware during the relationship that they were disturbed after committing. Perhaps, just a little of the fault lies not in the stars but in ourselves. I cannot recollect a time that my pwBPD held a gun to my head and forced me to stay or give to her. Love and hate, resentment and respect, are subtlety separated by the thinnest of margins in a plethora of contemporary allegedly normal relationships. The saying that familiarity breeds contempt manifests itself throughout the human condition. If anything, pwBPD are brutally honest because they do not possess the chip which allows them to censor their whirlwind feelings. They're like that awkward relative that blurts out embarrassing stories about you before polite company. They give--in their own way. If that is not sufficient, either give less in return, or move on. At some point we must accept that they are not villains. I didn't view Catwoman in that flick as a villain. She seemed kind of conflicted and really hot. If you're hurt because your relationship was transitory instead of infinite, then question why that attachment defined your life in the first place. All relationships are transitory, all things change. That is the way.    

[Ironmanrises]

I hate you, dont leave me.

Dont leave me, i hate you.

I love you from a distance.

I love you now.

I dont love you now.

On.

Off.

On/off.

Off/on.

Both.

Or.

Circle all the above.

Which one is it?

All.

Yet despite that they remain human beings. There are three scenarios relevant to this board. We were aware that they had serious issues prior to committing. We grievously suspected that they had serious issues prior to committing. We became aware during the relationship that they were disturbed after committing. Perhaps, just a little of the fault lies not in the stars but in ourselves. I cannot recollect a time that my pwBPD held a gun to my head and forced me to stay or give to her. Love and hate, resentment and respect, are subtlety separated by the thinnest of margins in a plethora of contemporary allegedly normal relationships. The saying that familiarity breeds contempt manifests itself throughout the human condition. If anything, pwBPD are brutally honest because they do not possess the chip which allows them to censor their whirlwind feelings. They're like that awkward relative that blurts out embarrassing stories about you before polite company. They give--in their own way. If that is not sufficient, either give less in return, or move on. At some point we must accept that they are not villains. I didn't view Catwoman in that flick as a villain. She seemed kind of conflicted and really hot. If you're hurt because your relationship was transitory instead of infinite, then question why that attachment defined your life in the first place. All relationships are transitory, all things change. That is the way.    

Interesting analysis.

In bold.

I agree that all relationships are transitory... .

But when in a relationship with a pwBPD... .

That transitory definition is taken to a whole new level... .

A relationship between a non and a non has a starting point and an ending point.

There is no coming back and forth.

Over and over.

One person usually leaves... .

And the relationship dies a natural death.

With a non and a pwBPD... .

There is no starting and ending point... .

Usually the pwBPD leaves... .

Then comes back... .

Leaves again... .

Comes back again... .

Until the non has been damaged enough... .

To realize that any further interaction with the pwBPD... .

Will only result in more pain... .

And ultimately removes themselves from that nightmare cycle.

[bpdspell]

This is a good post and sometimes a lost concept on here cause its message carries such simplicity.

We need to save ourselveS because WE'RE worth saving. The same amount of love we poured into ou exes we need to pour into ourselves. We give away that power too easily because we inherently believe that it's the job of others to love us to whole ness.

Well it isn't.

Spell

[Conundrum]

A relationship between a non and a non has a starting point and an ending point.

There is no coming back and forth.

Over and over.

One person usually leaves... .

And the relationship dies a natural death.

I've been co-parenting with my ex-wife for 9 years. Thankfully there's been no natural death, or we'd be terrible parents. We go back and forth, as parents. On occasion, we discuss, what might have been, and whether we made an immense mistake. Life is not black and white. This becomes quite apparent when the welfare of others are concerned. It's ok to be bitter. We all were at one point concerning our pwBPD. Our bitterness, which for all intents and purposes is analogous to suffering triggers their shame.The truth is always more nuanced, shades of gray. We all have a laundry list of horrors that we can recite on command. The living of it all though is more convoluted, and in the end, if you can find compassion--it involves an attempt to build love with an individual who was severely traumatized as a child. That is perhaps one of the noblest endeavors I can imagine, even if it results in transitory suffering. We should all go easy on ourselves. and respect the qualities that make us excellent compassionate individuals.   

[Ironmanrises]

This is a good post and sometimes a lost concept on here cause its message carries such simplicity.

We need to save ourselveS because WE'RE worth saving. The same amount of love we poured into ou exes we need to pour into ourselves. We give away that power too easily because we inherently believe that it's the job of others to love us to whole ness.

Well it isn't.

Spell

In bold.

Well stated.

[Ironmanrises]

A relationship between a non and a non has a starting point and an ending point.

There is no coming back and forth.

Over and over.

One person usually leaves... .

And the relationship dies a natural death.

I've been co-parenting with my ex-wife for 9 years. Thankfully there's been no natural death, or we'd be terrible parents. We go back and forth, as parents. On occasion, we discuss, what might have been, and whether we made an immense mistake. Life is not black and white. This becomes quite apparent when the welfare of others are concerned. It's ok to be bitter. We all were at one point concerning our pwBPD. Our bitterness, which for all intents and purposes is analogous to suffering triggers their shame.The truth is always more nuanced, shades of gray. We all have a laundry list of horrors that we can recite on command. The living of it all though is more convoluted, and in the end, if you can find compassion--it involves an attempt to build love with an individual who was severely traumatized as a child. That is perhaps one of the noblest endeavors I can imagine, even if it results in transitory suffering. We should all go easy on ourselves. and respect the qualities that make us excellent compassionate individuals.  

In bold.

I found that compassion for my disordered ex.

Initially it was at the expense of my happiness... .

Until i realized that i didnt have to tie it to my happiness... .

Now i am giving myself that compassion.

[Conundrum]

This is a good post and sometimes a lost concept on here cause its message carries such simplicity.

We need to save ourselveS because WE'RE worth saving. The same amount of love we poured into ou exes we need to pour into ourselves. We give away that power too easily because we inherently believe that it's the job of others to love us to whole ness.

Well it isn't.

Spell

In bold.

Well stated.

I agree, but pouring love into ourselves while simultaneously being involved in a relationship with a pwBPD is not a mutually exclusive concept. It only becomes mutually exclusive when the individual allows the attachment to define their life. That in essence is co-dependence, which extends beyond the scope of BPD relationships and is extensively experienced in relationships with alcoholics and substance abusers.     

[DragoN]

Conundrum,

You raise many interesting points through out your posts.

I agree, but pouring love into ourselves while simultaneously being involved in a relationship with a pwBPD is not a mutually exclusive concept. It only becomes mutually exclusive when the individual allows the attachment to define their life. That in essence is co-dependence, which extends beyond the scope of BPD relationships and is extensively experienced in relationships with alcoholics and substance abusers.   

Unfortunately, many pwBPD are also co morbid with substance abuse.

Fundamentally for myself  the question came down to: What do I want?

I know what I don't want. That is the abusive and vicious cycling nature of the BPD concept of Love. A child will and can learn, a PD'd individual chooses not to. The level of awareness is not the question in point in my opinion. They are aware of their actions and their impact. That is almost blatant with the lying and denying. Lacking is empathy.

It is a very personal decision. Depending on the level and type of abuse and boundaries in the relationship. Each of us must decide for ourselves what that looks like and honor ourselves in that regard.

[Octoberfest]

Ironmanfalls... .I really connect with you. I enjoy reading what you have to say.

For me... .I watch the Dark Knight a lot... .I think if the end when Batman runs away and takes the fall... .


The kids says, "Why is he running?"

Gordon says "We have to chase him."

Kid says, "But he didn't do anything wrong."

I gave her everything... .90% and maybe 10% yes. Same. My ex loved the batman series... .She kinda looked like Anne Hathaway too on a side note... .I always saw her as the Catwoman and I Batman (InDKR)... .In mentality... .He continues to believe in her even after she ultimately betrays him... .

It's weird maybe... .But to me it's sad... .I still believe in her... .Even after she painted me black over a misunderstanding 20 minutes after professing her need and love for me eternal... .Idk I'm spacing.

This is a pretty important concept.

Sooner or later we realize that the person that we loved so and gave so much to never really existed. My personal spin on the idea above was, "I still see the good in her, underneath the disorder".  What that translates to is, "I finally have someone to love and who says they love me for the first time in my life, and I want this so badly you will have to put me through hell to get me to let go".  It is so interesting... .if I look at my BPDex with unjaded eyes, what I find is the type of girl who I have always despised.  A liar, a cheater, one who is promiscuous, who drinks way too much, and a manipulator.  But I will be damned if, even today, almost 5 months since the final split, I don't find myself trying to react and defend her from even my own honest analysis.  It says, "Yeah, true, but it's different because... ."  I make excuses for her because I have to rationalize, make what she does ok, so that I can continue to idolize her.  The issue is not near as bad as it ever has been, and all it shows is that I have a deep need of my own that she managed to "fill" for a time. It's funny- when I brought my BPDex home to my parents for the first time, my dad took me outside to the garage and told me something to the effect of, "She is bad news, look at what she has done to you already (my BPDex had already cheated on me once at that point- that I knew of)."  And you know what I told him? "Maybe, but I love her and I want to see this out".  Sometimes I wish I had taken him at his word.

[Ironmanrises]

Marek,

Mine was aware of her behavior.

But she would admit/deny it simultaneously.

Once in devaluation... .

And you are the target of that devaluation... .

There is no reasoning with them.

They will not hear you.

They will not have empathy for you.

Nothing.

After 2 rounds of that... .

It is why I implore those of you on here to save yourselves... .

You long for them to contact you... .

I get that... .

Believe me I do... .

But remember their behavior in devaluation that will follow... .

Remember that it will only be targeted at you.

No one else.

I felt utterly humiliated after the second round.

She treated me like I was worth no more then a piece of sh!t on the bottom of her shoes.

To go through another round of that?

You can count me out of that.

That was my brutal lesson to never allow another person like that near me ever again.

[Blade99d]

My ex told me about her fear of abandonment on date number 2.  I had no idea what she was referring to at the time, as I was not aware of BPD at the time.  I wish I had googled it then.  My T told me, to share that on a second date with someone is clear manipulation.  Whenever we would have an arguement, she would gaslight and say I was raging... .I constantly thought to myself, who uses the term rage in everyday conversation... .now I know.  The splitting though is the one thing I can't wrap my head around.  How they can forget all the good things and only focus on the bad... .I am so thankful I am free from her, but there isn't a day that I don't think of her and we split in May.

My ex was clearly aware of some of her issues, but through projection, made it everone elses fault.

Save yourself... .this is a great thread!

[heartandwhole]

Ironmanfalls,

This is a great post, thank you for sharing it.  My healing took a very important turn when I realized that I was worth saving (loving), as much as anyone else in my life.  Learning how to care for my own "little heart" has been an interesting journey, and I'm still at it.  I think it's the most important work we can do.

Another thing: I like your new ironman suit.  You go! 

[charred]

Found this somewhere on this sight... but it is so appropriate;


THE BRIDGE - A METAPHOR

"The Bridge"

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted

from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had

experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his

share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see

clearly where he wanted to go.

Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he

came close, only to be pushed away. Often he applied all his

strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly

blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not

wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it

were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not

come again.

Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he

wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his

heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found

renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth

returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from

their long-dormant positions.

Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the

middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order

to protect it from the floods of spring.

He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the

opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though

the other was coming to greet him. He could see clearly,

however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed

similarly except for something tied around his waist.

When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what

the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around

him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length

of 30 feet.

The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were

coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so

kind as to hold the end a moment?"

Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he

agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "two hands now, and

remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.

Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the ropes

length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull.

Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the

side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and

after having caught his breath, looked down at the other

dangling, close to oblivion.

"What are you trying to do?" he yelled.

"Just hold tight," said the other.

"This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul

the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as

though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope

had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they

created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the

other back to safety.

"Why did you do this?" the man called out.

"Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost."

"But I cannot pull you up," the man cried.

"I am your responsibility," said the other.

"Well, I did not ask for it," the man said.

"If you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.

He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How

long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him

now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined

the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some

protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the

railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces

between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound

burden, even temporarily.

"What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below.

"Just your help," the other answered.

"How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to

tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you."

"I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope

around your waist; it will be easier."

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied

the rope around his waist.

"Why did you do this?" he asked again. ":)on't you see what you

have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?"

"Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."

What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I

let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward

my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt

me forever."

With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump

off the bridge while still holding on. "That would teach this

fool." But he wanted to live and to live life fully. "What a

choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?"

As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of

decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own

goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was

already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible

choice to have to make.

A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this

other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten

the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and

again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do

it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it

still and steady.

"Now listen," he shouted down. "I think I know how to save you."

And he explained his plan.

But the other wasn't interested.

"You mean you won't help? But I told you I cannot pull you up by

myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either."

"You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I

die."

The point of decision arrived. What should he do? "My life or

this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in

fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional

way of thinking.

"I want you to listen to me carefully," he said, "because I mean

what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice

for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your

own life I hereby give back to you."

"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid.

"I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends.

I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring

yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began

unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew

against the side.

"You cannot mean what you say," the other shrieked. "You would

not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so

important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me."

He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.


--From "FRIEDMAN'S FABLES" by Edwin Friedman,

published by Guilford Press

[bruceli]

I gave her everything, I turned into a different person than I was two years ago for her. She needed me at 4 in the morning when I had to sleep for work and school but I came to her at her demand. I got her whatever she wanted. I was there when things were going bad for her, I never turned my back on her but was she thankful? No I got left like a dog and everything I put into that relationship was for nothing. I'm left alone and bitter. I needed her and she ignored me, I begged for her back and her and her new man and friends laughed at me. I was utterly humiliated and for what? because I cared! Because I loved her.

Do I owe her anything? no because I have nothing else to give.

An education is never wasted or for nothing... .