Vulnerability, Honesty and Owning My Part

[bauers220]

Remember how it felt - that is what I keep telling myself.  The day I reached out to find a therapist was not out of some fancy aha moment... .I was in the throes of the DEEPEST darkest depression of my LIFE.  And I mean that!  I have endured sexual abuse as a kid - diagnosed with PTSD at 15... .survived a divorce and single motherhood... .survived an abusive relationship with a drug addict before pulling my life together... .or so I thought... .

I had a 16 year calm in my life... .where I raised 5 kids my own... .and one not mine... .ran a business - managed a highly stressful customer service department... .and then SHE walked into my life.  In my "innocent" attempts to fill a void that I thought at the time was just a sexual need - I met this creature that would turn my world upside down.  I fell in love (not part of the agreement in my open marriage) and for the first time in my entire marriage considered LEAVING for someone else... .ME  yes me - the woman who did it all - soccer mom, homeschooling, cheer mom... .room parent... .teacher... .business owner... .fell FLAT on my face and almost ruined my life in some torrid affair with someone VERY sick. 

The first time she blew up at me I was mystified.  I couldn't understand why she was SO angry - I can't even recall to this day what it was - just that I was so desperate to calm her down and have an adult conversation with her so we could sort it out - after all - in my marriage we didn't fight like THAT... .we talked - we communicated... .this was all new to me.  She had given me a heady dose of a romantic pursuit that I had never had - I was already hooked like a junkie.  Every unresolved issue from my past that I never got proper healing for was about to surface - and BIG time.  Add that to not having had time to grieve my father's passing just 9 months prior and you got yourself a toxic soup.  But there was no calming her down... .and that is where it started... .my first devaluation of MANY to come.  I lost my management job just 3 months after meeting her - had to give it up because I simply could not function... .The job was moved out of state in an effort to save the department... .Thank God cause I am still a stockholder in that company... .I was a mess... .

I almost lost all of my friends.  Some friendships are severely damaged.  My image and reputation among the circle of those who know my husband and I is at best strained... .trust is being rebuilt between him and I... .and slowly those who have known me for almost 20 years are seeing the "old" me emerge.  I went from a very outgoing (not over the top outgoing) person who was well liked to someone who sat in the corner on her Iphone texting away - oblivious to those around her... .I ignored EVERYONE for over a year... .including my kids!

I own ALL of this... .I am not the person I became... .I have missed ME... .and hope through all of this recovery I can not only find ME again - but heal the parts of me that needed healing... .those parts she exposed.

I hope everyone here sees that we have choice - and I made a LOT of bad ones... .Maybe this will help someone else... .But I truly believe in being honest, authentic and vulnerable... .for THAT is human connection.  Its not pretty but its my story.

[Reg]

Hi Bauers220

Our stories are what they are, the past. 

My former borderline partner is my past, not my present, not my future.  She has done damage as well to my personal life in various ways and also to my professional one.  I think everybody who has been in a toxic relationship with someone with borderline will tell you the same thing in one way or another.

But on the other side I did let the damage happen... .  I've lost some friends, but I also discovered that some of them had their own agenda with me.  So not all was bad on that matter.

But I'm also happy I had friends who understand what happened and who were good listeners when I finally ended the story. 

Thing is, people with borderline destroy so many lives, including their own due to denial, but also that of their children.  It is a sad thing for everybody.

At least we make choices, yes, indeed, sometimes bad ones, but we make them.  A borderline doesn't make choices, or they are impulsive ones, often selfdestructive ones.  And they change their mind faster then the wind changes direction in moments.

Borderline is a sad story, for everone... .

BTW it takes guts to be open about your story.  You're on the right path now.  Don't let the toxic poison your life again.  I think and hope, that most of us, have had their lesson on the matter.

Sometimes a very hard one.

Hang in there and take care about those who really care !

Reg

[heartandwhole]

bauers220,

This is a courageous post, and I commend you for looking at your part in the relationship.  I think it can be very hard for us to do, especially when our partners' behavior seems so blatant and easy to spot.

Our part can subtler, harder to grasp, and you are doing a great job of looking at your issues.  I think being authentic, vulnerable, and honest are values that will take you far. I'm so glad that you are finding YOU again!  

Thanks for sharing your inner work, it's inspiring.