BPD daughter just stated that she never wants to see me again

[rose58]

Hi everyone,

My daughter has just turned a recent family gathering into a nightmare.  She has been mean/cruel/indifferent/ignoring me/friendly, loving etc. to me since I can remember.  She has escalated into being very cruel to the point of my other daughter and her family along with my husband have refused to be in the same place as my daughter and I.  She either pretends I am not in the room while interacting with other family members or spirals (I think of it as a tornado, starting small and then getting bigger and bigger until it explodes) into a massive temper tantrum along with screaming, arm gestures and sobbing about how everyone doesn't understand her and how we (especially me) are so mean to her.  She tells a story and casts me into the role that she exhibited.  She claims that I said the things that she said to me.  I think she believes it all.  Last night she sent my husband a text that basically said she didn't love me and never has.  She is tired of trying to be nice (?) and doesn't ever want to see me again.  She said if she ever marries and has kids, I won't be allowed to see them.  She said there was a divorce in the family and it is because of me. She said things about me that I can't repeat on this page.  I am devastated.  She accused me of horrible things that I never did or said.  She is so toxic, yet I love her.  She wrote me an email and was also cruel.  She said I had gotten my way and she was 'booted' out of the family.  She said never to contact her again and definitely not to tell her that I love her because I don't.  This is tearing a hole in my heart.  What do I do?  How can I just forget about her? 

Thanks for listening.   I am so sad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[muffetbuffet]

Last night she sent my husband a text that basically said she didn't love me and never has.  She is tired of trying to be nice (?) and doesn't ever want to see me again.  She said if she ever marries and has kids, I won't be allowed to see them.  She said never to contact her again and definitely not to tell her that I love her because I don't.  This is tearing a hole in my heart.  What do I do?  How can I just forget about her? 

Curious how old your dd is?  You sound like you live in my house because those same words have been spoken to my husband and I   It does tear you apart to have someone whom you love very dearly stand there and tell you that you mean nothing to them and that they do not want to be a part of your life.  I do not think I will ever forget about my daughter once she leaves our home, but I will try to forget all of the hurt and anger that came along with raising her.  Our dd is 16 and can't wait until she is old enough to move out.  Sometimes you have to love them enough to let them go.   

[Reg]

Hi rose58,

Wow ! That sounds like quite a story you're telling us.  First of all, a very warm welcome to BPD Family.

You've come to the right place for support and help on the matter. 

I know very good how toxic borderline behavior can be.  As all of us here are in the same stituation and have or had to deal with it.

One thing you have to keep in mind, it is not about you, it is about their own issues.  You re not the problem, the borderline behavior is.  All the mistakes, wrong decisions are projected, not to have to deal with the shame, guilt, fears, etc.

And to make themselves victimised, they will often paint others black, forgetting completely what they have done... .

This may be an interesting start to read for families ; Family Guidelines

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. Most parents search desperately for answers, and try all the gimmicks that popular culture tells us should work - only to face even more severe rages and acting out behavior.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources:

What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board and hope you join us on this journey.

You will see this sit has a lot of information on BPD and how to handle it and even what help is possible.

Don't feel bad about having the need to vent over here, it can help, so keep writing !

May I ask you a few questions ?  Muffetbuffet did ask how old she is, that would be interesting to know indeed as a start.

But also, do you have support ?  How is your family dealing with this ?

Hang in there, we are here for you !

Big hug !

Reg

[rose58]

Thank you for replying, I really need a support group to help me with the sadness, guilt and anger.  My daughter is 29, but this behavior has been going on for a long time.  I remember when she was an infant and would only allow someone to hold her facing out.  She didn't cuddle at all.  As a toddler and preschooler when she fell or hurt herself, instead of running to me for comfort, she would go to a corner and face inward by herself.  I would go and get her to comfort her and she would stiffen up.

She has a college degree and is very successful at her job.  She is a workaholic with very little social interaction.  As far as I know she hasn't dated since high school.

We have just been awakened to the fact that she has borderline personality.  She hasn't been dx and refuses to see a counselor.  I suffer from depression (am in remission now) and my therapist has been trying to tell me that she thinks my daughter has BPD for a long time. 

I feel like this is my fault somehow, even though I know intellectually that it isn't.  It is a disease, but I want my baby back.  She is convinced that everything that has happened in her life is my fault and some of the stories she tells never happened!  She says I have never loved her and that she doesn't love me and is done with me.  She has tried to split my husband and me up.  She tries to convert my other daughter and son to her way of thinking and believing her stories.

Please help me.

[Reg]

Hi Rose58,

You've made a positive move in your life by seeing a therapist and joing us here in our mutual struggle with borderline.

If your daughter has borderline, she will have it indeed since a very long time, as it is triggered somewhere inbetween 3 and 4 yearsof age it seems mostly.

It is not your fault, it is not good to feel guilty about something you can't help or change that it was triggered originally.

May I suggest that you talk about your story on this board with people in a similar situation :

Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

It may give you extra support and may help you to find solutions for your situation.  Looking forward to meet you there !

Hang in there and take care !

Reg

[muffetbuffet]

Rose58,

Hang in there.  This message board is a wonderful support system.  Mydaughter has told me all of the same things you are going through.  It is very difficult to follow all of the suggestions from everyone to validate, etc when it is hard to find any more energy within yourself to deal with the BPD person.  I often have to tell myself that BPD is an illness and I relate it to a chronic physical illness.  If I had a child with a physical ailment I would find the energy and strength to keep moving on and I have to do the same with the BPD daughter.  Keep posting and we will keep supporting!

[rose58]

I have read a lot about BPD but haven't heard it starts around 3 or 4.  I was hospitalized 3 times for about a week each time before being hospitalized having my son when my daughter was 3 1/2.  I had toxemia and my blood pressure was through the roof.  My husband told me at the time that my BPD daughter refused to eat while I was gone.  I tried to leave the hospital but my doctor told me that it would kill me and my unborn child.  I was probably gone off and on over 2 months.  Mental illness runs in both families, but I don't know of anyone that has BPD.  I have had major depression off and on, so now I blame myself that I wasn't there for her when she was growing up from time to time.  It seems that everything I read has to do with blaming the mother.  Does anyone know about this?

[Reg]

Hi Rose,

There is something I do really need to tell you reading your post.

Do not feel guilty about this, first of all you can not help it that you needed hospitalisation.  As you mentioned yourself, you would not have survived this, and neither your unborn child would have survived this. A hospitalisation is not something that is done unless it is necessary.

And I repeat it, please do not feel guilty about it.  There's more.

There is still a lot of discussion on how borderline is triggered.  And it is also said that there are two parts in that story if I've been reading correctly, if not, I know some members of the team will be able to do better then I do on the matter and will jump in.

It seems there is a 60% factor which is in the DNA, possibly and probably having to do with little parts of the brain that are a bit smaller.  Nothing wrong with that to function as everyone else does in life, unless there's a serious trigger for an abandonment fear around that age, leading to BPD.

This trigger can be about everything.  It seems indeed that a lot has to do with the mother figure. 

There are cases of abuse, but it seems that it can possibly be an unstable home with domestic or verbal violence, or simply the mother who is working long hours and is not often present.  Still a lot of research has to be done on this matter.  So you need two factors probably to get borderline.  There's no way you can or could now that.  So no need to feel guilty on that matter.  I hope you really understand this.  It is important !

You can not help it, your daughter can not help it.  The important thing now is also that you do not feel guilty in trying to make the relationship better with you daughter.  Because that won't help, it will have the opposite effect.  It is something that happened just as your toxemia happened... .

I would like to advise you to keep the text very well in mind in my first post, read it a few times if you need it, to get on the right track in improving the relationship with your daughter.

Also, ask questions on the board I suggested, you will get a lot of advice from other and senior members in the same situation who know a lot more on your specific situation then I do.  Take one step at the time !

Take care, stay strong, and you'll see that improvement of the situation is possible 

Reg

[Kate4queen]

It's not about you.

Your daughter is so full of her pain that she needs to lash out and share it. Her perception of her life is how she sees it and is true to her but is filtered through her illness. It's not necessarily the truth.

You didn't knowingly cause anything.

My BPD son told me that everything that was wrong in his life was because I didn't take care of myself when I was pregnant and gave him cerebral palsy. Talk about making me feel guilty when I spent weeks in bed in hospital trying to keep the pregnancy until he could survive and then spent all his childhood being his #1 advocate. That was the worst thing he could think of to throw at me so he did it-and it wasn't about me really, it was about his fears of abandonment.

I don't have to accept his version of me and you don't have to accept your daughter's version of you. Surround yourself with people who love you and know you, make yourself strong and then you are in a much better position to offer help to the one who is really drowning-your dd.

[lbjnltx]

  It seems that everything I read has to do with blaming the mother.  Does anyone know about this?

Hello rose58,

Perhaps you can gain greater understanding by reading here:

Is this my fault?  Did I cause this?

[mary93]

Hi Rose58, I am dealing with my own daughter who doesn't want to see or communicate with me. I was told yesterday by a therapist, that when she is mean to me, she is actually taking away some of her own pain, which if I look back through the years makes sense to me now. I have to find comfort in that for now and "build a tough skin" as if that whats it takes for now to keep her alive, well then bring in on, as I do not want my daughter to be in so much pain that she tries to kill herself again. As a mother we always say we would give our lives to save our children, well I will for now until she comes around, "let her ignore me" and take away some of her pain. I hope you find comfort in this as it has helped me for now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Winifred]

This kind of behavior seems to be typical and predictable in BPDs. At age 17 when our daughter finally got into serious therapy, I was the cause of all her problems, according to her. After a few years, my husband became the cause of all her problems, according to her. About a year and a half ago, she sent me a text message saying she never wanted to see me again. I was devastated, then resigned, but somewhat later she resumed communicating as if it never happened. Over the years, we have developed a boundary and an expectation that have worked with her. The first is no attitudes. We just don't tolerate them. When she gets an attitude, we let her know that the conversation won't continue and that she will have to leave until the attitude is gone. One rainy winter night we told her to get out of the car when she copped an attitude. Over time, it has produced results. She no longer has attitudes with us. The expectation is that she say please and thank you. A year ago she assaulted my husband and landed in court because she refused to thank him for the gas he had bought her. We don't hear please and thank you as often as we would like, but it's much less of an issue than it was when she was younger. I wonder if you could tell your daughter that her dramatic behavior is no longer welcome in your home. Our daughter has learned to control hers through therapy, so that when she feels an "episode" coming on, she leaves until she has it under control, then returns. I can tell you that the peace from knowing that you have control of what happens in your own home is self-nourishing. When you no longer fear a blow-up, you have more inner strength to face whatever else is happening. Wishing you peace, Winifred

[rose58]

Thank you all for your kind words and wisdom.  This has been going on for years but I didn't realize that she truly hated me.  Luckily she is in another state and for now is not talking, or texting.  She has not been formally diagnosed but my therapist has listened to me about her for a year and she diagnosed my daughter from what I told her.  Through internet searches and your comments, I am convinced that she definitely is untreated borderline and very likely to remain that way.  She fits all of the descriptions.  I don't know her well enough to know how she feels, just how she treats me.  She will go off on other people too.  She screams, ":)on't yell at me!" when you speak to her in a normal tone.  She is like a tornado from the ground up, starting small and winding up bigger and louder over and over until she is in such a rage and crying that no one can get through to her.

I have been swinging from extreme sadness to depression to anger and rage.  She told my husband if she ever has children, he will be welcome to come see them alone.  She hurts me very badly and is toxic to my own health.  I feel like I want to defend myself on all of her accusations, but know it would just 'poke the bear' as my husband says. I feel like I am agreeing with all of her 'stuff' if I don't say anything.   I am trying to take everyone's advice, but the wound is so very raw.  Please keep writing and I wish peace and health to all of you.

[peaceplease]

rose58,

I am so sorry for your pain.  That is BPD talking!  I know it hurts, and my uBPDd, 29, has said some cruel things to me.  Like she wished that my sister was her mother, but now my sister is in black mode.  And, that is a shocker, as my sister always peed perfume to my dd.  However, now my dd feels abandoned by my whole family.  And, not me at the moment.

I have a similar story to yours regarding hospitalization.  When my dd was three, I was admitted to hospital from emergency room.  I was in there for 10 days the first time.  My dd stayed with my sister.  She cried for me constantly.  When, I was discharged my dd did not want to stay with me, and she cried to go back to my sister.  I had multiple hospitalizations over the years.(auto-immune illness).  When she was twelve, I was in hospital 65 miles from home, and I was in there 3 1/2 weeks.

I believe that my e-husband, father of my children has NPD.  My son seems to be quite narcissitic, too.

The good news is that you are in therapy, and found us.  A great combo!    I believe most of us here, have been in therapy for all the devastation from our children with BPD. 

I am glad that you found BPD family! 

peaceplease

[mary93]

Hi Rose 58. I have found that for myself going to therapy, individual and group helps. I am new to this, well not new to the behavior as its been going on for years, but it has gotten much worse since she has entered into a relationship. I am also dealing with the suicide attempts and hospitalizations. She refuses therapy, says everything is my fault, is living with her dad now after living her whole life with me, and her dad has NPD, but she somehow seems to be able to manipulate him more than I. Also he has $$ so I do believe she is there to get what she can from him. I cannot "fix" her as she she is doing anything for herself, so I can only work on myself and make myself stronger for when she needs me. I think that I am doing better physically since she left as I was just about at the point of being hospitalized from extreme physical and mental exhaustion. She still wont communicate with me and I have heard that she is going to be with her girlfriend (its a long distance relationship) in 3 weeks and is staying for 1 week. I have to get ready as I have been told that there is a strong possibility of a suicide pact as the other girl also has suicide attempts, is a cutter etc. I don't know the other ones diagnostic, but would bet she is also BPD, so potentially 2 BPD hooked up together. Her dad feels there is no problem for her going on this trip after attempting suicide this weekend and he refuses to get any help to understand the disorder. Hang in there Rose 58, its tough and exhausting, but if you get help for yourself you will see things in a different light and know that this is not your fault. My daughter also trashes me to everyone and if they are stupid enough to believe it, I have no time for them, its means they are not my true friends. I cannot put any energy into defending myself to everyone, I am already to exhausted and need my energy for daily survival.

[MammaMia]

Rose58

Welcome to BPDF.  We have all been through exactly what you describe.  Though your daughter is technically not diagnosed, she does appear to fit the BPD profile.

One thing that jumped out at me is that your daughter would often tell you to stop "yelling" at her when you were speaking in a normal tone of voice.  This is part of hyper-vigilance.  My son has the same issues with sound and light.  When he is dysregulated, it is INTENSE, but he is bothered by both most of the time. This is frequently seen in people with PTSD, and PTSD can co-exist with BPD.  Since his hearing is extraordinary, he believes others are equally gifted, which, of course, is untrue.  He believes if he talks very softly or in a whisper, others cannot hear him... .like people inside the house next door.

Yes, it sounds bizarre to us, but hyper-vigilance exists, and I believe he really is ultra-sensitive to many things.

My dBPDs has also told me many, many, many times that he hates my guts and wishes I was dead.  I believe it is how he feels "in the moment" while raging, and it is part of the disorder.  Interestingly, I am the only person he has much contact with, and while it used to hurt me terribly, I no longer let it bother me.  

We all live in the same alternate reality with our BPD loved-ones.  There is comfort and safety in numbers, and we are so happy to have you here.  Welcome to our family.

[rose58]

   Hi everyone.  I had an interesting Skype chat (no video) with my BPD daughter.  After telling me she hated me and I had always hated her, she informed me in August she would never speak to me again and I

"was dead to" her.  Just yesterday, I saw she was on Skype and typed, "Hi, I miss you and I love you."  She came back and we talked for 20 minutes just like nothing had happened.  She even said she loved me.

My alcoholic father used to tell me that I was crazy when I would bring up things he had said or done.  I feel crazy with all of this also.

I am happy she reached out, but am at the point of taking it one day at a time and not expecting much from her.  I just can not be hurt so badly again.

Thanks for all of the advice and listening.





















'

[mary93]

Hi Rose58, so glad for you that you were able to speak to your daughter. Its good that you are taking it one day at a time, as that is the nature of the BPD beast, one day they love you and the next they wont speak to us. As parents we have to learn to deal with this, and I know its not easy, as deal with that from my own daughter. I like texting as when she gets into her ignoring me phase I can always look back at the texts and be reminded that she does love me, its not her speaking in the bad times, its the disorder. i make it a point when she is in her "moods" to send her a text every once in a while reminding her that I love her and that i am there for her when she needs me and feels to communicate. Also my therapist gave me this interesting trick and it did work. My daughter had ignored me for 2 weeks and I was texting her daily with no response. My therapist told me that since abandonment issues are a major part of the BPD to stop texting her and see what happened that for sure I would get some sort of reaction whether good or bad, well after 2 days of no news from me she texted like nothing had happened. Sometimes we have to change our own behavior as we are way too predictable for them, we have to change it up

[modafinilguy]

She had BPD?

She was trying to hurt you. For some reason she feels very hurt, so she wants you to feel her pain.

She may believe it but BPD cannot keep to long term commitments like "I will never talk to you again".

Million bucks says stay absent for 3-4 weeks then ring her up (suck up a bit) and 90% it will be all forgotten.

They are short term orientated people. She wanted to upset you, but its not true.

[Keke]

Hi,
This forum is so helpful! I am dealing with an adult Daughter (23) that I am pretty sure has BPD.  The rollercoaster has been going on for years without knowing why it was happening.  She has been in a relationship with a boy (just Friends) that has been emotionally abusive and she is completely obsessed with this person.  I recently found out that he has been emotionally abusing her for years.  We came to a head this summer when it was just constant yelling and fighting because. her whole life revolves around this person.  She has racked up credit card bill and stole money from us. when this happened we bailed her out as we always do.  After finding out what was going on in this relationship with this person I confronted him and told him to stay away from her and that the relationship was toxic.  Well it backfired she went crazy and it made life at our house unbearable.  We told her she would need to move out if she continued to treat us so horribly.  She ended up moving out and she has barely any money and has a job at a daycare that will barely cover her expenses.  She stopped talking to us and will not engage with us.  We just found out that she is seeing this person again~we were still paying for her phone and she had her bank account on ours.  We informed her that she would need to get her own phone and bank account as we cannot keep seeing her waste her money on him and watch her constantly in contact with this person.  We are devastated and don't know what to do.  I have tried to reach out to her telling her we love her and that she is welcome at our house and that we would pay for her to see a therapist~no response. I have been reading so much about BPD because my therapist had mentioned that she might have it.  It was like a lightbulb turned on ~I couldn't believe how everything I read was like what was happening with my daughter especially the "Favorite Person" part.   I realize now that there is nothing I can do about her still interacting with this person but am just waiting until she gets in trouble with money or something else and calls us.  My daughter is someone who use to text and call me every second of the day and now she wants nothing to do with me it is devastating!