The letter I wish I could write

[PhoenixRising15]

I'm writing this here, after our 6th breakup. With new clarity.  Looking back I can see her detachment start to happen.  I can see the devaluation.  I can see the lies.  I have blocked her facebook, instagram, and email.  I left her phone number open as it costs me 5$/month to block and I'm tired of doing it.  She'll just find a way around it.  Instead, I just don't answer numbers I don't know.

5 days NC after I found about about her 6th affair and said, ok I just don't want to hear from you anymore.  I don't trust you at all.  I'm done.

Dear Daisy,

I forgive you for leading me on in the beginning of the relationship.  I know you needed someone to lean on and when I wasn't there, I know you went back to your ex.  I forgive you.  He is inconsequential to me.

I forgive you for telling me lies during our whole relationship and continuously talking bad about me behind my back.

I forgive you for sleeping with the guy after we broke up for the third time.  I forgive you for calling me in the middle of the night begging to talk and then giving him your number 12 hours later.

I forgive you for all of the guys you did and didn't tell me about when you were traveling in Europe.  I forgive you for not having the courage to tell me you wanted out, but still wanted me around to soothe you.

I forgive you even for trying to keep me around now while jumping into a relationship with this next guy.

I'm worried about you.  I've been the places you've been.  I've suffered trauma too.  I've done drugs to cover it up.  I've lied to my friends, family, and significant others.  I've been too ashamed to tell my truth to anyone.

i'm so sad for you.  I'm so sad that your friends take advantage of you.  I'm sad that your father and mother abandoned you.  I'm sad that your parents never took an interest in your life.  I'm sad that they never checked in to see how bad you are addicted to drugs.  I'm sad that you feel you have to put on airs in front of everyone and be someone.  I'm sad you are struggling so bad with who you want to be.

I'm sorry I can't have you in my life anymore.  I tried everything I could think of, but I couldn't handle being constantly objectified,used, and then discarded when it wasn't convenient for you.  I wish I was a stronger person and I could depersonalize these things and let you work them out.  I wish infidelity and sex meant nothing to me, but they do.

All i want, all I ever wanted was for you to admit the things that we both knew were true.  It would give me such peace and solace.

It hurts that I told you this was what hurt most about my past relationship and you are using it against me.  It hurts that you posted pictures and captions which were meant to directly hurt me.  It hurts that you specifically chose things that I told you would hurt me and posted them anyway.  It hurts that you called me after all that and asked for a fresh start.

I'll miss what we never had.  I'll miss what we never could have had.  I wish that drinking, drugs, and sex weren't so important to you.  I wish that you could see outside yourself and know that you aren't just hurting yourself anymore.  I wish you could see the pain in your family, friends, and me.

I wish I mattered to you more.

I don't hate you.  I wish I hated you.  This would be so much easier.

I pity you and that's what keeps me thinking about you.  I pity you because I've been where you've been, and I know what you are facing, and all I ever wanted was to be your ally.  I didn't want anyone to have to face the things alone that I have faced.  It kills me that I met someone who I could have helped.  It kills me that I met myself at an earlier age, and there is nothing I can do or say to save you from yourself.

I hate to watch you destroy what could be such a beautiful life.  I feel like this is my own penance for the things I put my own family and friends through in my hard times.

I'm not going to respond to your letters, emails, texts, or calls.  I need time to heal and breathe. I forgive you for every hurt you committed against me, whether you know it or not, but I can't forget them.  I really can't forget them as you continue to do them.

I would love to run into you in a few years.  I hope that you will actually go through therapy.  I hope you will ditch the junkie friends.  I hope you will stop seeking validation in men.  I hope you will finally see yourself the way others see you.  I hope I get that opportunity.

Please don't call me or try to find me when you get back.  9 weeks is not enough time for me to heal, for me to forget that I have been used and discarded.  I need a new girlfriend, a new outlook on life.  I need to remember what its like to be happy without being needed.  I need to remember what it's like to have a reciprocal relationship, so that maybe then, I will be strong enough to set some boundaries with you.

I don't know who you are now.  I don't know who you were.  You were like a ghost to me, the entire time we knew each other.  Please take the time to really find yourself before you seek me out.  I'm tired of trying to find you for yourself.

I wish I could say I love you.  I truly do.  That would be a lie though, because I have no idea who you are.

instead,  I wish you the best.

[Jbt857]

Beautifully written, some great sentiments in there that were in my head, but that i couldn't elucidate. Very helpful to see them written down.

Thanks for sharing.

[Bananas]

I don't know who you are now.  I don't know who you were.  You were like a ghost to me, the entire time we knew each other.  Please take the time to really find yourself before you seek me out.  I'm tired of trying to find you for yourself.

I wish I could say I love you.  I truly do.  That would be a lie though, because I have no idea who you are.

instead,  I wish you the best.

I saw my ex today and this pretty much sums up what I was thinking.  Thanks for sharing! 

[willbegood]

Nice Letter! I'd bet many a person could copy and paste and with very few changes send it.

[Knowingishalf]

Wow quite deep here, so many really touching sentiments in that post.   It also resonates with me in so many ways thank you for sharing.

[Findingmysong723]

Ditto! Thanks for sharing, beautiful sentiment, I wish all our ex partners could take that in and really understand it or really accept it as truth... .but as we all know... .they won't!

[Emelie Emelie]

It's the letter you did write.  You said what you needed to say in a very healthy way.  Maybe not to her... .but you got it out.  I am impressed. 

[Octoberfest]

Add me to the list of people who are touched/impressed... .

I would like to be able to write the same letter... .In fact in the past I have tried.  But the forgiveness was not sincere.  I don't know that I am capable of it at this point in my life... .it is a hard pill to swallow that there is no real closure, that there is no logical answer to what happened, that it just is what it is.  All of the cheating that my BPDex did left a massive mark on my self confidence... .and she is the only person I have ever dated as well.  It is a funny thing, to know that she is doing the same thing right now to the next two guys (as in, I KNOW she is.  And yeah, she is juggling two guys at once, like she did with me several times) but to still be insecure and feel so much hurt, like it was personal.

[pari]

I can related so much to your emotions and pain. Beautiful letter. 

[DragoN]

Such a painful letter:

I don't know who you are now.  I don't know who you were.  You were like a ghost to me, the entire time we knew each other.  Please take the time to really find yourself before you seek me out.  I'm tired of trying to find you for yourself.

I wish I could say I love you.  I truly do.  That would be a lie though, because I have no idea who you are.

The tragic part, neither does s/he/they.

[Ironmanrises]

Such a painful letter:

I don't know who you are now.  I don't know who you were.  You were like a ghost to me, the entire time we knew each other.  Please take the time to really find yourself before you seek me out.  I'm tired of trying to find you for yourself.

I wish I could say I love you.  I truly do.  That would be a lie though, because I have no idea who you are.

The tragic part, neither does s/he/they.

Very deep letter.

Powerful words.

My exUBPDgf actually told me in round 2 of devaluation in reference to herself... .

"I dont know who i am... ."

I froze when she said that.