are you still thier emotional band aid?

[simplyasiam]

ive been told here many times, that her contacting me is about here needs and not mine. its taken months for me to see thats the truth. in part becouse i didnt understand the illness and in part becouse i didnt want see the truth!

in the months shes been gone my lifes changed in alot of ways. one thing thats the same is everytime she hurts she comes looking for me. i would give in and pick her up and she was off and runing again. i know she trashed her new r/s and is falling back on me when it get hard there. my responding to her is making her new mans life easyer. they fight, they cant keep bills paid, shes cycles up and down. she turns to me and all he has to do is wait for me to pick her up... .wish i would have seen this alone time ago. its time for him to see the prize he won!

a little at time i see im part of whats fueling her actions. she dose as she wants makes a mess out of life and i pick the mess.

ive grown sick of running a frist aid station.

[heartandwhole]

simplyasiam,

These are great insights that you are having!    Thank you for sharing. I'm glad to hear that you are thinking about what you need and what you want now.  And you can do that while still caring about your pwBPD.  There is enough compassion to go round for our partners and ourselves, regardless of contact or NC.

What I need, or at least want, is a relationship with someone capable of giving and receiving in a healthy way, and open to learning more about what "healthy" is for us. 

For me, that means I've got to keep on track with my own learning and changing. 

What about you, simply?  What do you want and need in relationships?


heart

[bpdspell]

I think when we're still in the emotionally negotiating phase we'll keep the door of communication open until it finally sinks in that we aren't going to get much more out of this relationship and we certainly will never experience idealization with them again either. Once we experience devaluation; what you see is pretty much what you'll get.

Idealization is kinda like a one shot deal because we're woefully unaware of the dance we are being ensnared in. Realizing that idealization may never happen again many of us are still chasing that proverbial carrot with the hope of "our" love story to be that one exception. Sometimes we believe that if we model being available that they in turn will learn how to be there for others. But that is the mental illness of BPD. They cannot be trained out of their disorder. It is character ingrained, deeply imbedded and cannot be easily discarded. It is a part of them.

We can't be their band aid unless we make ourselves available to them. And we've got to take personal accountability for our lack of boundaries when it comes to maintaining the guise of "friendship" with them. They aren't capable of reciprocal friendship because of their disorder. Because of their disorder any exchanges with them will feel parasitical, take take take, and me me me. It's such a disappointing one way street and that's why it's best to leave them to their own devices.

Spell

[simplyasiam]

not sure what im looking fo in a r/s. im in one now with a women that takes care of herself works everyday ask nothing of me, but i have 0 feelings for her i take nothing from her... .noway i can end up feeling like i owe her anything.

i know im useing her to keep from being alone all the time

i make it clear to her that im empty inside i let her know my ex bpg g/f still contacts me hell she reads the txt.

i dont know where it will go with new girl  maybe feeling will grow i dont know if it works that way or not