BPD Breakup behaviors..cheating, leaving, stalking

[Oliolioxenfree]

Ive been noticing a trend here where many of us are cheated on by our exBPDs with another person and are then subsequently left for them.  There seems to be a disturbing trend of them being relationship overlappers, lining up new victims right before we get “painted black” so to speak.

After I was left for the Other Woman, I was stalked online on nearly every social media site for roughly 4 months, as were my male friends he didn’t know, and even my ex boyfriend before him.

I guess Im wondering if anyone else has had this experience?  Were you cheated on left for the other person and then stalked after the fact?

It took me a really long time to get past this and understand that this behavior was not an indicator of love or that he missed me, because in the end he chose another woman over me who he had just met.  I couldn’t understand why he wanted to keep a foothold in my life, and quite frankly may never understand. I guess I was just looking to see if I anyone else had had a similar experience.

It would be nice to hear any similar stories of this.

[Jbt857]

Yeah. My husband left but never properly cleared out his stuff so he'd be back every week, to a point in early August where I believed we were reconciling. On aug 21, he swore he hadn't been with anyone since we split. By aug 28th, he was in a relationship with someone 'really special'. Go figure.

I gave him an ultimatum in early sept. be here or get out for good. He did neither. His stuff's still here, and he still makes contact on some pretence once every week/10 days.

I stopped going on fb to limit that contact as the minute I'd sign on, he'd message me. Not for anything important, but for bs. His stuff is still here, but it's now packed. I'm just waiting for a time I feel strong enough to have him collect it. Not to his schedule, to mine.

It's horrible, isn't it? Nine years of my life, for this.

[Reg]

Hi Oliolioxenfree and Jbt857,

In many cases with people with borderline it is normal, although not all of them do this.  I think it may have to do with the type of borderline, and it would be interesting to see more on this matter.

Cheating has to do it seems with their fear of abandonment.  As they are certain, imaginary or not, that they are not worthy and you will leave them, and if they also can't be alone, they will have a replacement ready for you.  If they can't get the replacement, they will make certain to have another replacement !

So the replacement is idealised and the cycle of 'borderline love' starts all over... .And very often the recycling from the moment they don't get what they need with the new idealised person becoming black... .

Ach and the stalking... . My relationship ended on New Years Day.  I still had four long talks about BPD  with my former partner.  Last one in early June.

Still, although I blocked her everywhere possible, she wants to know things about me.  Gave recently a reaction on a You Tube post by me, so she is googling me clearly, passed my house with a replacement or new car (she had to drive 55 miles to get a possible glimpse at me) a few weeks ago (I just happened to close the garage door, saw her, didn't know what I saw, different car, but the license plate was the same), and is not respecting a financial agreement we had so that I will have to take contact again ( but it will not be in the way she expects ).

But of course, she will deny this all if she was to be confronted with it... .

She knows very well she's never ever coming back into my life, due to the fact of her denial on borderline, and I suppose she can not handle that due to the fears of abandonment.  

[Octoberfest]

Ive been noticing a trend here where many of us are cheated on by our exBPDs with another person and are then subsequently left for them.  There seems to be a disturbing trend of them being relationship overlappers, lining up new victims right before we get “painted black” so to speak.

Cheating has to do it seems with their fear of abandonment.  As they are certain, imaginary or not, that they are not worthy and you will leave them, and if they also can't be alone, they will have a replacement ready for you.  If they can't get the replacement, they will make certain to have another replacement !

I will echo Reg in that not all pwBPD are serial cheaters. Many doing it does not make them all do it. Just a clarification that must be made.

That being said, my BPDexgf cheated on me start to finish of our 9 month relationship.  Her "trend" is to date two or more people simultaneously.  At one point she was dating me in our town, a guy in another town, and her "ex" in her hometown.  All at the same time. Our relationship finally ended after I caught her dating another guy at the same time as me for the 3rd time or so. Otherwise it would have continued on and on.  What did she tell people? "I finally gave up hope on Octoberfest and moved on".  Not like she gave up hope so she cheated, but we just broke up. HAH! Since the split she has been involved with two guys at once and is supposedly engaged to one of them currently (After knowing him for 4 months) and earlier this summer she was supposedly engaged to the other guy, but that turned out to be a lie.  Currently I think she is still juggling them both.  I was told by an outsider to the whole situation, "I don't know how neither of them know, it is so obvious to everyone". 

Something my BPDex told me when we split for good at the beginning of the summer... .

"Just forget me. I was never good for you.  You are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being, and as sad as that is, we both know it is true.  So just forget it ok.  Forget all of the garbage I brought into your life".

A moment of lucidity I think... .

Bottom line, she was doing the same things before me (I can only assume, she has been married before at 19 and engaged another 3-4 at 22 yrs old), and I have seen she is doing the same after me.  Who knows the true reason... .but Reg's post about them having so much shame that they don't think they deserve you makes a lot of sense.  But then again, trying to make sense out of disordered actions and disordered thoughts is a hard thing to do.

It is all very sad... .Sad that they sabotage things for themselves, that they treat others the way that they do.  But it is important to remember that these people have the emotional maturity and development of a child.  My BPDex did some awful things to hurt me, intentionally.  Do adults do that? No.  That is a child lashing out.

A thought that helped me... .

I thought about all of the things my BPDex had told me about her past.  All of the awful things she had experienced... .She told me she had been raped, sexually abused, physically abused, cheated on, lied to, abandoned by her father, abandoned by her mother for a time, etc etc.  The college that I go to that she went to last year (she has since dropped out) was her THIRD college in 3 years.

I thought about all of her exes she has told me about, how awful they all were.  When I thought about it, I realized that the ONLY common link between all of it... .was her.  Life is hard, but no one just has that much bad luck.  Wherever she goes, pain and hurt follow.  I realized that the reason she moves so much is because she can't hold it together; living a normal, respectable life is not something that she is capable of.  So now, instead of dating someone who is driven, in awesome shape, attending school on a full tuition waiver for academics and who has a stable and loving family, she is engaged to a fat, greasy tattoed guy who works at a bar. 


Hard to believe I still feel as thought I lost out, isn't it?

[Wishful thinking]

Wherever she goes, pain and hurt follow... .

So true

Current situation. Married still. On our way to sign divorce papers in 2 weeks if we getbto our country.

I found out last week for the umteenth time that my BPDh is having onlne fb affairs with others. Long story short. Hes admitted to me that they are his back ups if we fail.

This other woman is from the states and i just want to warn her. Butbshes so n love that she isnt seeing whats going on.

The next things now would be for him to ask her for money. And i am sure she will. Anyways if only they know what I know now.

H and I are still staying in same house. He cant afford to stay anywhere else. Lost is job.

Pain and hurt follows.

After finding out today that hes still contacting this woman, im packing his bags and buying his ticket out of this country so we can be apart.

[Bananas]

I think my ex is the male version of Octoberfest's ex as he was juggling 3 (or more?) of us at one time, all telling us the same thing (I love you, you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, blah blah blah).  All of us lived an hour away from him with him in the middle so somehow he was able to pull this off until everything exploded. More trainwrecks are on the way for sure.

My ex stalked me at work for a little while but he has been pretty quiet lately which is good news for me.  I think they want to keep a foothold on you just in case their current situation doesn't work out, or the one after that, or the one after that.  But iut really doesn't have anything to do with you, it's about their need.  The same reason you keep your old phone around in case your new one breaks.  It's nice to have that backup there. 

When I see my ex now I do feel some sadness, but not for myself for him.  He radiates pain. 

[Ironmanrises]

I don't know if my exUBPDgf cheated on in the 2 rounds of relationship... .

But I do know she stalked me on Facebook and Instagram after the first time she left me... .

Her reading and watching me move on in the latter part of the NC is what prompted her to re engage me after 3 months of NC.

She stalked me that entire time of NC.

Sent me screen shots of things I was posting on Facebook... .

Called me from private numbers and remained silent and left silent voicemails... .

All her attention in both rounds of devaluation shifted to her BFF, mother and other wonderful people who really didn't care about her.

Literally all of it.

She would only text me and speak normally to everyone else.

The amount of hurt that did to me... .

Far too much.

So far this time around... .

I have permanently closed my Facebook and Instagram... .

I have received texts that appear as spam from literally blocks from her house(she lives several states away)... .

I have received calls from unrecognized numbers and silent voicemail.

Although I cannot fully prove that it is her... .

Based on her previous behavior... .

Lets be real.

Who the f¥ck else is it?

Pardon my language.

I do not know if there was another guy in the picture.

Quite honestly... .

I really do not want to know.

I have processed enough hurt from this person... .

I do not need any more.

If there is/was someone else... .

Well... .

Devaluation is coming.

That is guaranteed.

And I will not be the target this time.

My exUBPDgf is the bringer of joy and sadness.

And ultimately... .

Pain.

[Clearmind]

It takes an emotionally mature person to break up amicably! Emotionally mature is something a Borderline is innately not.

So is it surprising? Not really.

Does it hurt? Yes it does.

Were there red flags and signs of it being an unhealthy relationship prior to the inevitable break-up (however it manifests)? Yes certainly.

hit_

The end of my relationship was not the part where he cheated and I threw him out. The end of my relationship happened about date #2! From the very start it was built on a very shakey foundations.

[GlennT]

It seems their egos are driven to subconsciously and continuously witness pain and sadness in others who onced loved them. To replay the Make-up and Break-up, until it becomes all the same in their tortured subconscious. Sweet caresses and kisses, hatred and anger, truth and deceit, are all the same in their traumatized subconscious mind. They consciously think that their fragile and dependent child-ego is superior, protected, and validated, from being fragmentated and blown to smithereens, which pathologically, has already been done to you, yet their traumatized, weak, emotionally disordered, child-ego, still feels entitled to you. Very sad.Yes, it takes an emotionally stable and mature person to breakup amicably, even with sadness.

[fiddlestix]

My diagnosed bi-polar and BPD ex wife and I have been split up for about 1.5 years.  She had countless affairs with other men in the course of our marriage.  When she left the house last year she went to live with an ex-con druggie.  That r/s has long since crashed and died.  When they broke up last spring she began to approach me again.  She wanted to see if we could give it another shot. I was not as well-versed as I am now on the patterns of BPD people.  BIG MISTAKE!  The recycle lasted about one month before she scrapped me again (but said, "let's be friends" But that is another story. 

Anyway, in the year we were apart I made some good female friends, mostly platonic.  I dated a bit, but I was not ready for anything too heavy.  So in this recycle (that I now know  it was) my wife seemed to know quite a bit about my lady friends.  I never told her anything about any of them because I was 95% NC the whole year. I would not tell her about my lady friends anyway because I know that would hurt her (normal people realize this).  Somehow she found out about my female friends.  She must have prodded our kids for details as the kids got to know some of my friends.  She even knew that one of my lady friends is Japanese.  I have no facebook, and never paraded my friends in front of my wife.  Apparently, she somehow kept up with my life while she was shacking up with druggie boy. 

And, when she moved out it took forever. Many trips over many weeks.  I ultimately packed her books and photo albums because I wanted those reminders of our 25 years out of my sight.  Before the breakup she would snidely remind me how she wanted to move out as soon as she saved enough money.  Then she dragged her feet when the reality arrived.  Now as we are going through the legal stuff, she has backed out of several meetings with the mediator (but blames the mediator!).  She wanted out of my life but now seems in no hurry to actually cut the ties.  In fact, it was me who had to begin the proceedings for the divorce.  Does this sound like textbook BPD? 

Fiddlestix

[DragoN]

Then she dragged her feet when the reality arrived.  Now as we are going through the legal stuff, she has backed out of several meetings with the mediator (but blames the mediator!).  She wanted out of my life but now seems in no hurry to actually cut the ties.  In fact, it was me who had to begin the proceedings for the divorce.  Does this sound like textbook BPD? 

Don't know if it is textbook BPD, but the rest was. The lying, the abuse, the cheating etc. etc.  Finally had enough and the  last time the suggestion for divorce came up, I agreed. I filed the papers with the lawyer. Now I wait.

It's enough.

[Ironmanrises]

Fiddle,

That is classic  BPD.

She stalked you even when in NC.

She returned to you... .

And then left you again... .

Sure... .

We are not professionals in diagnosing people... .

But all the signs are there.

Minus the cheating(i dont know if mine cheated or not)... .

I too experienced the stalking... .

And the coming back... .

And leaving yet again... .

Pattern from hell.

Hang in there Fiddle.

[Clearmind]

Fiddle, BPD is a personality disorder and your wife you say has been diagnosed. Much her behavior is driven by BPD.


Oliolioxenfree, how are you going?

[Oliolioxenfree]

Thank you all for your stories and responses.  It's very hard to make sense of these behaviors because they make you question your own sanity.  You wonder is this person just a dick and maybe they changed for the next person because their life is seemingly roses and buttercups now.  And BPD behavior seems to be different with each of them. So it all seems hard to nail down as definitive signs of BPD.  Additionally I never wanted to believe my ex had a real live personality disorder because it seemed so unbelievable.  After reading the commonalities we seem to share I see now.  It's not unbelievable.  In a way the validation I'm getting from this site is helping me to move on.

As far as how I'm doing now, I'm healing everyday.  NC f

[Ironmanrises]

Thank you all for your stories and responses.  It's very hard to make sense of these behaviors because they make you question your own sanity.  You wonder is this person just a dick and maybe they changed for the next person because their life is seemingly roses and buttercups now.  And BPD behavior seems to be different with each of them. So it all seems hard to nail down as definitive signs of BPD.  Additionally I never wanted to believe my ex had a real live personality disorder because it seemed so unbelievable.  After reading the commonalities we seem to share I see now.  It's not unbelievable.  In a way the validation I'm getting from this site is helping me to move on.

As far as how I'm doing now, I'm healing everyday.  NC f

In bold.

When my exUBPDgf came back to me after she left the first time... .

And I let her back in... .

I closely watched her behavior... .

And literally saw it all unfold horrifyingly before me... .

That was when I knew for sure... .

Even though she is undiagnosed... .

She has this disorder.

The pattern was grotesquely clear.

All of it.

And it will repeat itself.

It doesn't stop.

[Jbt857]

When i think of my ex with his new, amazing woman, I take solace from a saying my friend told me.

"You can't build happiness on another person's sorrow."

I do believe karma catches up with us all, so it helps to remind myself that a rebound relationship when she doesn't know his true nature is doomed to fail.