Developing a plan to leave - What do you recommend?

[Depression = 72% of members]

After 4 painful years with my undiagnosed girlfriend, I've given up hope that I can spend my life with her. I'm trying to put together a plan for leaving to both convince myself to go through with it and to be prepared for emotional storm it will trigger.

My questions to you people who may have already left a relationship with someone with BPD is, what would you recommend to someone who is about to go through this process? I know that in practice, everything will be messier than any plan I put together. I just want to start preparing myself.

• What should I be prepared for when breaking up with her?



• What is the least bad way of actually breaking up?



• How did you protect yourself through the process (legally, financially, social network revenge, etc.)



• How did you take care of yourself emotionally?

Thanks

[O.Hi]

After 4 painful years with my undiagnosed girlfriend, I've given up hope that I can spend my life with her. I'm trying to put together a plan for leaving to both convince myself to go through with it and to be prepared for emotional storm it will trigger.

My questions to you people who may have already left a relationship with someone with BPD is, what would you recommend to someone who is about to go through this process? I know that in practice, everything will be messier than any plan I put together. I just want to start preparing myself.

• What should I be prepared for when breaking up with her?



• What is the least bad way of actually breaking up?



• How did you protect yourself through the process (legally, financially, social network revenge, etc.)



• How did you take care of yourself emotionally?

Thanks

[O.Hi]

There have been a couple times in the past when, after 5+ hours of rages and being painted black, I've said something like, "I love you, but I just can't do this anymore."

These have been the only times I've ever received any sort of "real" apology from her about the way she treats me ("I'm too hard on you", "I take things out on you", "I don't know why I'm testing your love", "I feel like I'm dragging you down", etc.).

I know to expect that. I need to prepare for that this time. In the past it was exactly what I needed to hear to maintain hope for our relationship. I thought, "oh wait, maybe she really does understand my feelings and we can work on this." Whether she really believed the things she said or not, it didn't change her behavior in the long term at all.

[charred]

You might want to read some of the articles/resources on the board, they address this.

This is specifically on leaving.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Some of the other articles.

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles10.htm

[Trocero]

I just did this with a BPD mother who I dated for a year but didn't live with.

tips:

1. Don't rationalize it, make it quick and succinct. Plan what you will say, keep your poker face on and get out as quickly as possible.

   Be cool, calm and collected... .like you are dealing with a government employee.

2. Don't give feedback, it isn't an exit interview for work and it does no good, but she will punish you for it

3. It doesn't really matter what you say or how you reason it, because reason implies a reasonable person to interact with.

4. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER ANYMORE unless you have children together, or property to divide etc. and I would make those meetings austere and very short.

5. If you can orchestrate her leaving you, then so much the better. Keep your cool, pretend to accept it so she "wins". Yes, swallow your pride if needed because it doesn't matter.


NOW,

1. keep yourself busy at work, new or old hobbies etc.

2. Alone time is to be kept to sleeping, don't ruminate and dwell or listen to sappy music kind of stuff

3. Involve your friends family, get help for yourself. Remember, BPDs are drawn to men with certain affinities

4. Remember for her it was likely infatuation, LOVE is not necessarily what was at the core of this for her

5. Do not drink or do other self destructive. Tell yourself "I am going to lift weights, or run, or do something positive" when I start to get sad.

6. It will heal, do not go fill the void with another because chances are you will find another BPD as you are very susceptible right now.

Hope that helps.