And I caved in again...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Not sure what is wrong with me, but I just pressed pause on the leaving over the weekend.  A moment of weakness?  I just felt like I had more in the tank and needed to give it one last shot, to put everything of myself out there for her... .

I know where this will probably end, but I did it anyway.  How do you stop yourself from doing this?  She has been so kind, so understanding, so perfect with my son; just as I hoped she would be.  And I saw it again, the reason why I married her, what I thought I was marrying.

Now I just want to puke because I know this idealization won't last.  I know I just put a temporary band aid on our miserable marriage just to make myself feel better and to give my son a decent week in our house. 

What to do now?

[ts919]

Not sure what is wrong with me, but I just pressed pause on the leaving over the weekend.  A moment of weakness?  I just felt like I had more in the tank and needed to give it one last shot, to put everything of myself out there for her... .

I know where this will probably end, but I did it anyway.  How do you stop yourself from doing this?  She has been so kind, so understanding, so perfect with my son; just as I hoped she would be.  And I saw it again, the reason why I married her, what I thought I was marrying.

Now I just want to puke because I know this idealization won't last.  I know I just put a temporary band aid on our miserable marriage just to make myself feel better and to give my son a decent week in our house. 

What to do now?

[willbegood]

I think sometimes you have to keep going back until you've finally had enough. I wasn't married but went back several times even though I knew how it was going to turn out.

[Bananas]

I think sometimes you have to keep going back until you've finally had enough. I wasn't married but went back several times even though I knew how it was going to turn out.

I would agree with this.  Don't be hard on yourself ts919.  Many of us have done this, there is nothing wrong with you.  It took me several different tries of doing different things to learn that the end result was always going to be the same.  Everyone is different though so my experience may not be yours. 

What to do now?  I say nothing except take care of yourself and your son, and see where you are at tomorrow.

[UnLuckyLady]

please don't beat yourself up ts919.  you will soon come to a place of numbness, and strength.  it's just a matter of time before you get sick and tired of the whole damn thing.  I have two little girls and IT (yes, I call him IT) walked out on us without any care in the world after putting in so much effort to bond with my girls.  Their devastation was enough for me to never ever ever let IT back into our lives again.  He is the one that chose to leave this relationship after severely devaluing me, and over my dead body will have even ONE chance to recycle me. 

[eeyore]

please don't beat yourself up ts919.  you will soon come to a place of numbness, and strength.  it's just a matter of time before you get sick and tired of the whole damn thing.  I have two little girls and IT (yes, I call him IT) walked out on us without any care in the world after putting in so much effort to bond with my girls.  Their devastation was enough for me to never ever ever let IT back into our lives again.  He is the one that chose to leave this relationship after severely devaluing me, and over my dead body will have even ONE chance to recycle me. 

  If not for yourself then do it for your girls.  Thing is you deserve someone better.

[DragoN]

Not sure what is wrong with me, but I just pressed pause on the leaving over the weekend.  A moment of weakness?  I just felt like I had more in the tank and needed to give it one last shot, to put everything of myself out there for her... .



I know where this will probably end, but I did it anyway.  How do you stop yourself from doing this?  She has been so kind, so understanding, so perfect with my son; just as I hoped she would be.  And I saw it again, the reason why I married her, what I thought I was marrying.



Now I just want to puke because I know this idealization won't last.  I know I just put a temporary band aid on our miserable marriage just to make myself feel better and to give my son a decent week in our house. 



What to do now?

Nothing wrong with you ts919. You are human. Took vows and care about her and your children. Walking away is not that easy.

Having been through the ringer many times, suggest that you mentally prepare yourself for the inevitable devaluation phase which is around the corner. Take note of it. Make it an exercise to recognize the shifts and changes in her behavior. It will solidify for yourself what you are dealing with and the hopelessness of the situation. The one last shot. Then there are not "What if's" to haunt you down the line.

It's really hard. Strength to you.

You and the girls deserve better than the insane roller coaster.

[ts919]

Thanks for the replies and encouragement - it means the world

Devaluation happened last night (that didn't take long!); one minute I'm "ripping" her off and taking her money because I'm asking that she contribute fairly to the household (she works full time and our lifestyle relies on her paycheck in conjunction with mine) and the next moment she is hugging and trying to kiss me saying, "It's just money, let's quick making a big deal out of it"... .and then shortly after telling me she will sign the papers tomorrow!  This all happened within a 45 minute window... .

When I pull back and analyze the situation, I realize the entire "argument" had nothing to actually do with money; it's not even personal.  It's her problems and issues with trust, intimacy, perceived inequality... .

The main problem is that I know this will never end unless I just end it, and for some reason I panic and struggle with it.  I need to get my son and I away from her (she is his step-mom) so we can get back to a normal life again.

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes I like that... ."perceived" inequality. My uBPD stbx wife saw inequality in everything, everywhere, every day. Mail from the bank addressed to Mr and Mrs Ozborn triggered her each month - why should the man be acknowledged first? Why cant it be Mrs and Mr Ozborn? How dare I? Like society's conventions and norms were all my fault and I was complicit in introducing that convention hundreds or thousands of years ago just to oppress her.

The sooner you do it the sooner you start healing and the sooner it will be over with. Build up some strength and remove this craziness from your life.  Your child needs you and you need to build some strength to regain the balls you once had. Your child depends on you.

[ts919]

The sooner you do it the sooner you start healing and the sooner it will be over with. Build up some strength and remove this craziness from your life.  Your child needs you and you need to build some strength to regain the balls you once had. Your child depends on you.

Aussie - you sound just like my best friends... ..  I actually 'd hahahahaha

Your mail example is spot on!  I get very similar things all of the time.  My parents bought me a gym membership a while back  - my mother is a trainer and I am an exercise junkie myself.  My uBPDw has zero interest in working out, going to a gym, or doing anything physical what-so-ever (I take that back... .she has "interest" just no ambition.  Example: she'll buy the treadmill because the treadmill purchase makes her feel good, and she saw something cool on Pinterest about it, but the treadmill will sit there, untouched by her for all eternity) but she has demanded that I call my mother and demand that she purchase a gym membership for her as well because it's not "fair" that I have one and she doesn't.  Seriously.  The gym is nowhere near her (it's in my hometown which is right next to where I work), it would be extremely inconvenient, and she hates to exercise.  What the heck?  She is the borderline waif to a "T" - the tall, thin, beautiful woman who never has to exercise a day in her life to look good... .but slowly she is falling apart and recently looks very "waif-like"... .please save me, it's all your fault that I am this way, make it better, fix me, I love you, you are a selfish a-hole, just hug me, why are you so mean, i wouldn't act this way if you didn't do x,y and z (of which y and z never actually happened)... .

Sorry for the rant