baby steps

[mitchell16]

well yesturday i was doing well, Hadnt heard a thing from my exBPDgf in almost a week. She told me she dindt love me anymore, not like she did. I felt like was probabley the best closure I was going to get. I decided at that point move on. I went out last night, Had dinner with a lady. Just a freind but she would like for us to me more. I not ready for that. But in the middle of the dinner. I receive a gut wrenching text from exBPDgf telling me how she is struggling with us being apart. She hoped I was ok. She couldnt understand how we couldnt make it work. How she missed us and missed talking to me. and bunch of other things. I stayed NC. But it messed me up the rest of the night and all day today. It really pulled at my heart strings. Right now I feel such a loss and i feel weka for her. Im really struggling.

[Learning_curve74]

Sorry to hear that mitchell16. Hang in there. 

It's not easy, if it were, none of us would be here on the Leaving board! It is natural to feel bad, we all do at certain points of our healing. It is a loss and you have to move through the phases of grief over that loss.

Do you have a way to block her from calling or texting you? I know some mobile providers let you block certain numbers for a small fee each month, well worth investing in yourself in my opinion.

[Ironmanrises]

well yesturday i was doing well, Hadnt heard a thing from my exBPDgf in almost a week. She told me she dindt love me anymore, not like she did. I felt like was probabley the best closure I was going to get. I decided at that point move on. I went out last night, Had dinner with a lady. Just a freind but she would like for us to me more. I not ready for that. But in the middle of the dinner. I receive a gut wrenching text from exBPDgf telling me how she is struggling with us being apart. She hoped I was ok. She couldnt understand how we couldnt make it work. How she missed us and missed talking to me. and bunch of other things. I stayed NC. But it messed me up the rest of the night and all day today. It really pulled at my heart strings. Right now I feel such a loss and i feel weka for her. Im really struggling.

In bold.

Try and equate those texts... .

To the devaluation she subjected you to.

That way... .

You remember... .

Exactly what she will put you through... .

If you succumb to any further texts like that.

It is good you stayed NC.

I know it isnt easy at all.

But it is for your well being.

Hang in there Mitchell.

[GreenMango]

Baby steps to the door, baby steps to the elevator... .

You seen What About Bob?

I sometimes think the gold fish & bowl around the neck - like in the buddy system - isn't such a bad thing. 

Mitchell she does this a lot... .the emotional jerking around.  It's like a having your own personal choker chain.

Don't make any sudden moves.

[mitchell16]

yes, she has done this over and over and over to me. I have lost count. again last night I get more texts, the last when could be interpreted a couple of ways, a vague suicide threat or that she was washing her hands of me. But I still maintain NC. It is so very hard to do it. But I do remmebr how just a week ago, she told me she didnt love me anymore, how she didnt love me like she used to and how I just need to move on  and get my life back. How she just was cold as ice. Of course she was going out of tiwn with her friendss. so she didnt have time for me or a need for me at that moment.

she is excellent with a play on words. She is a master at implying things without say them. BUt im doing me best to stay strong I cant keep doing this. My mind and body can not take it anymore.

How do you stop the heatache when they reach out for you?

[turtle]

How do you stop the heatache when they reach out for you?

Eventually, you won't be so invested in this.  Eventually, her attempts to contact you will dwindle (she will wear herself out,) and they will become less and less.  Then one day you will stop hearing from her.  Days, weeks, months, maybe even years will pass.  During that time, YOU will become different.  YOU will be working on yourself, working on changing your life. 

Then --- if she attempts to contact, YOU are no longer so raw and it just doesn't get to you anymore.

My x still attempts contact and it's been 12 years. 

At the beginning, hearing from him and listening to his sob stories, or threats, or proclimations of love, accusations, hate --- or whatever other method of manipulation he was using -- sent me into a tizzy! 

Now?  12 years later?  His attempts at contact have dwindled to almost nothing... .and when I do hear from him, I am not emotionally violated like I used to be.  Now, his attempts at contact only solidify that I made the correct choice 12 years ago.   

I know it's hard, mitchell16, but just keep working on YOU, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and move forward.  If you do that, one day --  not today -- this will no longer eat at you!

turtle

[mitchell16]

thanks turtle. It is very tough. If I didnt love her still I wouldnt care. I tried to remind myself of how any times she slammed a door in my face wihout a care in world. How many tiimes she broke my heart, said something awful and then left on vaction without a care in world. I wouldnt even get a text or a phone call for days. last year she was on vacation. Didnt even invite me to go. while there I called her becasue I had a very traumatic day at work. She couldnt be bothered with and told me so.

Now, I should be just at her beck and call whenever she is feeling lonely or hasnt got anybody right now. Good ole Mithcell to the rescue. Ticks me off. I just got another one about 15 minutes ago. This was the mistaken text. Her telling someone else how she feels about us and accidentally sent it to me. Yeah ok. More games.

[GreenMango]

Mitch I saw you posted this in another thread but thought it may be good to reread when she reaches out to you again so you don't lose touch with the reality and start waxing all nostalgic on the good stuff only

but mine has made up stories on me. from saying i hit her, to i was tying to come between her and her child. made up a story that my brotehr tried to hit on her. so i beleive they are capable of really anything.

This is nasty business.  How do you feel about her doing things like this then calling/texting pretending it never happened?

[mitchell16]

it honestly makes me sick. Not just with her but with my self. I think thats part of the trap we get into. We start to beat ourselfs up and question our own relaity of what we know. If you think about if the do all these terrible things, why would would we stay. Which I think plays into their gaslighting an dpretty soon we dont know what is right and what is wrong. just my opion. My convinced me that I was alway seeing things that I did happen or that I over reacted. When my brother thing happened she tried to convince me itw as him. BUt you know I have known him my whole life and I never seem him act inapproprate with any of my other girlfirends, why her? But history shows that this same problem occurred with her exhusband and his brother. But it only when you step back a  liitle that you can see it.

It terrible becasue all we are to them is pawns in a game. everything a person beleives with them In my opinion is a lie.

[DragoN]

Mitchell, I know you are hurting and hurting bad. Breaking the addiction is a brutal job. It is an addiction.

It terrible becasue all we are to them is pawns in a game. everything a person beleives with them In my opinion is a lie.

That game, fuels the addiction of the highs and lows. It's cruel.

it honestly makes me sick. Not just with her but with my self. I think thats part of the trap we get into. We start to beat ourselfs up and question our own relaity of what we know. If you think about if the do all these terrible things, why would would we stay. Which I think plays into their gaslighting an dpretty soon we dont know what is right and what is wrong. just my opion.

Good question. Why do we stay? Why fight so hard for something that they clearly are doing everything they can to destroy? Makes no sense does it?

NC is to back away from the chaos, to find mental calm, force yourself to do this. NC, no texts, no calls , no emails, no searching her out or checking on her.

It's hard, especially if you still love her or are addicted to her.

You will and can break the addiction. You will feel much differently. Still hurts, but not quite as horribly.

You deserve much better than that female. She is really a twisted piece of work.