Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs

[wendydarling]

That's a brilliant breakthrough Lollypop, I can feel your sons relief! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[InIndia]

I just realized I used the DEAR format to request a change in our family last night around scheduling, having it come naturally rather than intentionally going through and planning it. I tend to be terrible at thinking "now which tool can I use for this issue?" but rather practicing the concepts (since pre-BPD in my life... .) things become absorbed. Anyone else more like me? We have yet to see implementation, but I was encouraged by an open conversation on behavior that had upset me and my husband from our D19.

[wendydarling]

InIndia - congrats to you,  while it takes us time to learn the tools, the break through moments are magic. WDx

[livednlearned]

This is a three-fer TLC for SO's D19, SO, and me 

SO's D19 has had ongoing problems with roommates at college, followed by constant changes in her living situation. I can't keep up with who she is living with anymore 

Friendships seem to last 3 months and her living situations are equally unstable.

Last week, she texted SO with a long complaint about how her current roommates are telling her she has to move.

SO showed me the text, and with my BPD translator turned on  it looked like a full blast of emotion wrapped in a complaint about how her roommates were ganging up on her and blaming her for things she felt innocent of. 

Normally, SO tries to fix the problem, or lecture her on what to do, and that either causes D19 to regress (needy), or it offends her (makes her feel inadequate or invalidated).

This time, SO and I together thought through about the best way to respond. Or, SO asked me for support and I coached him   based on skills I've learned here.

SO wrote to D19, "How are you feeling about all of this?"

And D19 responded with another series of long texts, including one in which she proposed her own solution. Huzzah!

SO responded with, "I understand, I can see how that would feel very insulting." And, "I admire how you handled this -- your plan sounds good."

Usually these scenarios start with long texts packed with emotion (e.g. D19 is always the victim of some skirmish that seems a bit out there), with SO wanting to drop what he is doing so he can focus on her problem and fix things for her.

D19 would then get noticeably more dysregulated and start complaining about other unrelated things, then get mad at him, he would feel helpless and victimized and confused, and then she would call and they would talk on the phone for a long time, and he would wonder if he should drive up there (5 hours) to comfort her.

Not this time! She even came back with another plan that was downright level-headed.

Even though SO is not someone who will consider BPD for D19, I admire him for being willing to embrace new skills. He could've just responded in the way he usually does -- instead, he let himself be vulnerable with me and try something new.

I think D19's recent episode of suicidal ideation has SO more open to these skills. He sees how simple changes in what he says can create better outcomes, even if they don't repair D19's core problems.

I know there will be many, many more SOS texts from D19 and am learning to accept that.

Maybe one day these kinds of small wins will be second nature for SO and D19 

[Lollypop]

Hi There LNL

I'd say this was way more than a "small win"!

Just well done to you for demonstrating how it can be done. I'm pleased as punch for you.

I noticed this quote this morning and thought you'd like it:

"Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon them and to let them know that you trust them. ~ Booker T. Washington"

L

[livednlearned]

Thanks Lollypop 

Perfect timing to read your quote!

I have found so much peace knowing that it is not my place to solve problems not of my own making.

Wish us well as we rev up for the summer when D20 returns. We will have D23 living with us, too, adding some new chemistry to the dynamic.

Always a rodeo here 

[wendydarling]

My good news is one month out of DBT my 29DD is doing great she says at the moment she feels better than she ever has, life feels good  , she has the skills, knows them inside out 

What warms my heart is my DD knows how to help herself 

[adoptivemama]

Good News:
I have a lot to be grateful for! I will list my gratitudes here: 
1. We found an intensive mental health program covered by our insurance that served my daughter in her time of need, right away, and gave her some safety/coping skills.
2. That program has offered her DBT, and while she initially turned it down, I found out about it in time to talk her into signing up for it.
3. She is usually in good spirits and not hateful these days, after a week long rage in August.
4. I found a Holistic Psychiatrist who comes to an office a couple hours away from our home once a month, and she will see my daughter a month from now.
5. While my daughter has rejected the therapist that I found for her, I have talked her into doing family counseling with me there, and hopefully we can come up with a crisis plan that will serve her well during her next rage episode.
6. My daughter has a wonderful, generous and forgiving boyfriend who lives on the other side of the world and is rarely hurt by her. So far I think she has remained loyal to him.
7. In the past my daughter has asked for help with her compulsive/addictive impulses. I pray that she will continue to do so.
8. I am educated enough to forgive my daughter for the rage and hatred that I experience from her, and while I feel misunderstood by others in my family who think I am too hard on her, or to whom she has complained about me, I think she understands how much I love her deep down, at this point in time.
9. I am educated enough not to sign my daughter up for psych meds willy nilly and later experience further trauma resulting from them.
10. My husband finally understands and accepts the truth about my relationship with my daughter--that I have been a "battered mom," behind the scenes, while my daughter has been acting like she is the victim of me. Wow. That's a big one.
 

[wendydarling]

Oh my adoptivemama 

Wow, this is great news, tlc and breakthroughs.

You care and love your family deeply, I'm moved by and feel loved reading your news. 

Love to you, and big warm hugs. WDx

[Lollypop]

A tiny thing to some but a good indication of the problem solving skills my DS is performing:

DS had a problem with his phone. I heard him arguing with it Saturday afternoon and I didn't offer any help. Amazingly, He still had the box and receipt for his phone. He checked and saw it was still under warranty. He tried to get it fixed and failed. He came home and was really calm and I think quietly pleased he'd at least been able to try.

He's also bought some 5htp to see if this helps his anxiety and sleep.

Two tiny events that would not have been possible 22 months ago. They are part of a bigger picture. The small things are important.

LP

[Daisy123]

What a wonderful idea!
I have just found out that our DD19 has BPD so I am still "marinating" in the news. Having said that-it is quite difficult to see the good news in our daily dramas. This is making me think... .We had a stress free day for Christmas. As my husband said, he was most thankful that our DD was in good spirits. We all enjoyed each other's company for a full day.
As for today, DD and husband started out on a good note focusing on returning a watch she'd gotten from us that didn't work. Husband and I were relieved that she was able to handle the disappointment of a broken Christmas present. Ok-first world problems here, but I am going with her progress in handling disappointments.
Thanks for starting this thread. It is so nice reading about each others' small victories.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hey Daisy123

That's a great accomplishment and a nice memory for you, when days are tough that good days also come our way. Thanks for sharing.

WDx

[qcarolr]

We had a good visit for 10 days with our BPDDD31, her partner M and their 4 week old son. There was mutual respect and not a single outburst. We had some confrontations and we each stepped back and were able to resolve without too much drama. I am in awe.

This has been a long journey and it is so nice to see the improvements in all our lives.

carol

[wendydarling]

Happy new year everyone  

qcarolr I'm so glad your holiday went well for you and family, it's been a long journey, for you to see improvements in all of your lives is truly awesome! It is, it is, it is.  

My share is my daughter has reached out for support for help getting out of the house, volunteering, back into work. She's been prompted she's well to work, and initially she panicked, cried and I understand that, she's recovering from third degree burns. She's finding her way through.

[MommaCh]

After a very difficult dinner out with my DD where she became very angry and loud, I was driving home and trying to keep my head together with her in the passenger seating being angry and verbally abusive. Quite suddenly a burst of tears broke through that I absolutely could not contain and I was so anxious that she would be angry at my emotional response. Instead, she grabbed my hand and pulled it into her lap and apologized. It was one of the most wonderful 60 seconds of my life.

[wendydarling]

MommaCH

I read your breakthrough on the bus to work and wept with you in relief.  Our kids know we are in pain - letting them know helps them take on their responsibility, where they can work with us.

Wonderful 60 seconds grow here MCH, let's continue to share our sprouts  

[Faith Spring]

I had an all day talk yesterday with my BPD daughter and I tried to not react and only listen and validate.  I couldn't remember what SET stood for as I'd become nervous.  She talked about her splitting- didn't call it that but just the same.  She laid out pages of notes showing how I could earn back seeing the real her.  She admitted she's starting to be as robotic in school as she is at home and it's making her confused. This made me more scared but I just kept validating her own feelings.  And she was able to say more. 
I promised aloud like an oath to never hurt her feelings again.  I had to.  Reasoning doesn't work.  I've tried explaining that relationships have ups and downs and sometimes hurtful things are said and done and you can choose to forgive.  She just doesn't understand.  So I promised. 

Then she ran away when her father got home from work.  Her delusion of him is getting worse. But this is about breakthroughs and yesterday my girl admitted she loves me and wants to show me the love and joy in her world.  She admitted she'd like to go out and have fun and today we have a plan to go out.  Yes probably spending money but maybe a hike.  I've already set my limit on spending and she understands this.  So good luck to me and blessings to my friends out there practicing this journey with me.

[wendydarling]

Faith, I love this special place dearly, it's been a great friend to me these last years, 'a little change' one small recognition, a tender loving caring moment changes all - have become huge triumphs for me over time and I wish for you and all here.

Yeh, your daughter is reaching out to you, you are listening. I'm a big listener now, what they need, my DD says double empathy works for her. My starting point, I stepped into my DD's shoes.

Your daughter loves you, I'm feeling her and your love   

Day by day.

WDx

[Lollypop]

 

On Tuesday there was a family drama occurring in the north. I won’t go into this but the consequence was that both my sons found out. There was an air of intrigue in our home as my husband and I returned home from walking the dogs. They didn’t know what’d happened but knew something was wrong.

It was a family member who had behaved badly and shamefully. It has affected my MIL.

My husband left home to spend time with his friend, he was angry and upset and knew it would do him good.

I sat with both my young men in the kitchen and calmed the waters. We sat and talked for about an hour sharing our thoughts, feelings and got closer because of it. My eldest said he’d have loved to be nearer to our family. My youngest said he feels so disconnected from them he simply doesn’t care. He’s also jealous because there’s a lot of money there and obvious spending on things we can’t afford. They both felt sad because we’re just a family of four with one gran...

Somehow, I managed to validate both of them. My eldest was wonderful with his younger brother and said “when money’s given to you it’s just not the same, it’s so much better when you earn it yourself.”

I told them both “I’m glad we live where we live, it’s a beautiful place where people are gentler and you’ve both grown up here. I know it’s just us four but look at us, I feel so blessed.”

It was THE best thing I’ve ever been able to say to them.  I could feel that warm blanket of love and mutual support over us.

Youngest son is applying for a job today and I’ve no doubt it was because of my eldest.

My eldest has been researching high functioning autism. He’s looking for answers.

Thanks for reading.

[MomMae]

Thank you for sharing this nice story, LP!  Despite it all, you are a family that pulls together and supports each other when needed... .So reassuring and inspiring!    MM

[wendydarling]

Wow LP, welling up here I'm feeling the love and gratitude ~ you are so deserving LP, this is what effective family leadership looks like to me, why we are here - I'm so proud of you, you've worked your socks off to turn things around, you deserve to feel the love, mutual support and gratitude of your family.  Peace to you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

My life, our lives, have altered so much since landing here in such a mess.

Thank the lord for this forum and lovely kind people showing me that I can trust my gut and show me the way in dark times 

[SlyQQ]

I'm not a long term believer, but in fairness i am going to post here.

My SD who i look after, an have mostly,

has just been through a breakup with no major dysregulation, (nor did she quit her job after seeing a psychic)

often says sorry to me now, ( in fact the other day i said, no need i understand )

and just asked me to go to a show with her since she now has a spare ticket (the ex's)

I've been painted white before, so i don't expect it to last but live in the moment hey!

[wendydarling]

Hi SlyQQ   ~ exactly, hey live in the moment as you say, I'm right there with you   Wow that's four successes for you and your SD, these good times are important to celebrate here together, we all work our butts off and every ray counts and means so much. I love this thread and I'm glad you shared your good news here for us all, as it is significant for you, we care you are feeling relief in this moment in a mindful way.  

It's wonderful to hear your daughter is being thoughtful right now of your feelings and you. Can I ask what the show is?

WDx

[SlyQQ]

A comedy duo old reunited after long break, saw there show ten years ago on their farewell tour,

I keep shaking my head re Sd, there are still regular explosions but they last thirty seconds ,
a short cool off and everything good,  

anyway love an life to everyone now is all that counts.

[Only Human]

Thanks for the reminder to focus on the positive stuff. I often obsess over the negative and it gets me down.

I had to wrack my brain for something to post here because everything I thought of seemed insignificant. A lot of, "yeah, but" going on in my brain here. Like this:

I was in bed by 8pm last night (yeah, but I'm sick so it wasn't by choice)

So here is one positive that I see as just that, positive - - no yeah buts.

My daughter is supremely pissed off at me because I called CPS after her son told me she hits him on top of the head and kicks him on his legs when she is angry.

Yesterday, she admitted that she had been neglecting him. Today she is more engaged with him.

As for me, I'm trying to respect her request to "back off and let me parent my son," without rejecting my grandson.

[Daisy123]

Small wins count- I’ve got to memorialize those baby steps so that I remember them! It’s hard to see progress when we are in the thick of things.
Baby steps of my DD 20. Yesterday, she bathed. She had a short episode of nausea and the skin creepy crawlers afterwards. I just recommended that she lay down and rest. So she did.

Another baby step - she actually drove herself to her BFs home. She’s been reluctant to go anywhere so it was good to see her get out of the house.

Lastly, she returned safely with my car on time. She was running late so I gave her a quick ring and she actually picked up her mobile. Small improvements-
So now I’m going to try and get her out of the house today and actually sit in a restaurant... .we shall see if she’s up to that!

Daisy123

[Only Human]

Today my daughter apologized for projecting, said she was frustrated that things weren't going the way she thought they would be going this morning, and she admitted that she took it out on me.   

~ OH

[Only Human]

Over the last couple of days I've heard the following from DD25:

"I know my yelling at (son's name) is not helping."

"What I've been doing isn't working so I'm looking for different ways." (in regard to disciplining her son)

Today, I witnessed her being very very patient with GS4 while he was getting dressed. Rather than lose it, she calmly told him, "You can get your pants on now or you can go into your room until you're ready to get dressed." (He went into his room and came out shortly after and put on his pants)

 

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Warms my heart OH to hear your DD exploring different approaches, gaining confidence she can be the Mom her son needs

Small steps, you're on it OH