Should I go to a movie with kids

[Sluggo]

About affairs... .Let's ignore whose fault it was or was not... .

There has not been any affiars or accuasations of affairs for either her or me.  I do know that is one place she has said over the years that she has ultimate trust for me.  I dont have any concerns for her either.  I did not mean to illude to anything of that nature. 

The counselor told us in the last session that he didn't think our marriage will make it.  He said he didn't see much hope for us."  While we weren't there, that was probably a valid observation.  Accept that.  You may need to shift from spouse-parent to just parent.  (Beware, she may think that if you don't qualify in her eyes as spouse then you shouldn't be a parent either.  That is an invalid and wrong connection but she's likely to think that and try to do that.)  Sad, but that looks like your reality unless she changes significantly for the better.

Things have been unraveling fast, faster than I ever recall.  Usually things have gotten better by now... .but I have always succumbed to whatever she has asked.  I did have a phone conversation with a lawyer today.  I am meeting with a lawyer in person on Monday. 

To allibaba,  Thank you for your post on the SET.  You have stated it very well.  Thank you that helps alot. 

All4BVM, what is the issue with your family?  Are they very involved in some way, or did something happen in the past which your wife hasn't gotten over?  (My apologies if you have already talked about this... .)

I certainly think Allibaba is right to highlight this issue - it sounds a lot like "Because of some problem with your family, I don't want to be married to you or work on our issues together.", which doesn't leave you with many options... .

I believe the back story is in this same thread(or in Bpdwife says I am NOT to talk to my family) ... .but The short story is that she felt slighted by my Mom when we came back the the US to live.  We lived the first year with her.   The language barrier contributed to it.  I contributed to it the first year by being a son to my mom and more than a husband to her.  However, she feels that love is a subtraction.  If I love others it is taking away the love I have for her.  And if she sees me having a good time with them then I am putting them first and not her.  I probably talk to my family once every couple of weeks.  Oddly though, my wife used to get on me for not calling my family enough.  She said your United States culture does not uphold the family enough.  You guys don't put enough importance on it.  You need to call your mom and family more.  The anger for my mother has spilled over to my sisters and brothers in the last 6-12 months.  So her ultimadem has been... .either I only talk with her and cut off all communication with my family unless I am talking to them infront of her.   

My tendency is to overthink decisions for many big ticket decisisons.  I wonder am I just afraid to see the reality.  Sad to experience the realty of this expeirence. 

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[Matt]

This issue with your family rings bells for lots of us - it's a common phenomenon.

My wife was extremely jealous of my family;  if I talked to them on the phone at all she made a big issue of it... .

[Grey Kitty]

would you suggest getting a different bank account.

My $.02: Opening an account in just your name and a credit card in just your name... .using a different address, perhaps a PO Box sound like a reasonable precaution for you to take. If she doesn't find out about it, she won't get upset about it.

Moving your paycheck into a separate account would be a provocation for sure. But it would protect you some.

Moving joint savings (or half of them) to a separate account would also be a provocation.

Before you do either of those options, I've got few questions:

Have you and your wife had problems or arguments over money?

Do you and she have similar incomes?

Do you own a house, and if so, is there a lot of equity in it?

Do you have joint enough joint savings to be significant to you?

All these things would influence my feelings on joint vs. separate accounts, and how soon I'd shift something.

If you are actually served divorce papers, that obviously changes the game.

I did have a phone conversation with a lawyer today.  I am meeting with a lawyer in person on Monday.

I've read some stuff in our legal board, and one phrase I've read a few times is "high conflict divorce". Lawyers may not know much about BPD/NPD as such, but this is their term for the sort of things that come up in a nasty BPD/NPD divorce/custody dispute. In your shoes I'd ask the lawyer about his experience with high conflict divorces.

Other than that, all I can say is hang in there, and take good care of yourself, and keep doing what you can to improve things.

 GK

[Sluggo]

Gray Kitty,

Thank you for the input.  Here are some answer to the question. 

Before you do either of those options, I've got few questions:

Have you and your wife had problems or arguments over money?  No but there are many put downs she will sling... .  The arguments or put downs come usually from her saying how bad of a boss I am, how inept I am at making a living, how I work so many hours but then don't make enough money to pay bills.  I opened my own business about 7 years ago... .although it pays the bills it hasn't left much for savings, etc.

Do you and she have similar incomes? She is a stay at home mom.  We have 7 kids with 5 in school and 2 at home.  In the 14 years she has been here in the states, she only had a temp job once.  However it didn't last but 6 weeks.

Do you own a house, and if so, is there a lot of equity in it?Yes we own and there is considerable equity

Do you have joint enough joint savings to be significant to you?I have a 401K which is significant to me.  We also have a trust account in her name with some savings

[Sluggo]

This issue with your family rings bells for lots of us - it's a common phenomenon.

My wife was extremely jealous of my family;  if I talked to them on the phone at all she made a big issue of it...

.

Thanks for the input Matt.  As said earlier, always amazed at the similarities in many of the stories. 

[Want2know]

Thank you all for your responses.   

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