searching

[mitchell16]

Today im doing alot of soul searching. After a conversation with a female freind of mine last night. It made mre really reflect on how I got her. But each time I do, I alway come up short. I just dont have a clue. Am I fixer? I never really thought i was. maybe to a small degree. I wonder if I a rescuer? I know I have that in me some but to this level. Never saw it before. I never looke dt my exBPDgf as someone who needs rescuing. When I met her, it was her strength that drew me to her. She is gorgous, great body, her mind is amazing, she is educated, self supporting. I thought I had found it all. But below the surface there was huge cracks, But when I relaized it, I was already hooked. Now I feel foolish for staying. A female friend asked me how I could put up with all her bs, She said that is so much not you. and she is right. I would have never stood to be talked to or treated by anyone like this in my life. my female freind could spot her lies right away. weher I found myself believe her ridculous stories.

her attacks on me: " your insecure" true, I was very insecure about our relationship but was never insecure about myself. How could a person not be insecure with a partner who drops them because they spoke the wrong words. Really, she attacked me one time because i asked her what she had for lunch. She turned it around that I was just checking on her. I was shocked. I was just being thoughtful. she set me up to argue about my education level. I dont have college. I spent my college years in the military. But im very educated in my field and have alway competed at the top of my field. Once she was telling me something that pertained to my job. I told her she was not right. She doesnt work anywhere near my field. she was very worng about this. I was nice when I disgreeded but still she was not right. She tore into me and said " your are just intimated by people with college degrees" which wasnt true at all. But it started another fight over nothing.

always attacking me with slights or passive/aggessive attacks. " your really not my type" " if you had killed somoene while in the military I would find you more interesting" " How do you like have a bi-polar girlfirend (said while she was laughing) I laughed and said well it is diffrent. she snapped with a demon look in her eyes. "Your not qualifed to diagnose that" Once a freind cracked a joke about her to her. She laughed at the joke, he laughed and his wife laughed. I laughed and she turned around with all her evil and said " the last boyfreind I had that laughed at me I dont date him anymore so you better shut up" another time "if you dont stop arguing with me , im done, so im warning you"

this list goes on and on. So i do i find out why I stayed in all this. I mean really 2 .7 years. what is said If she would get some help I would go back in a heart beat. But i know she will never, mainly becasue she dont have to. always someone to pick up her piece. be it another man, her freinds whoever. such a long list of enablers

So how do I find this missing link so I can fix me?

[November_Rain]

Why do we continue to love them when they hurt us so much? Why do I want him back? I don't know. I think I am a "fixer", I think it's called co-dependant. I was the best to him, treated him better than any of his prior girlfriends. I was his longest relationship ever so that says a lot about his relationship skills. I am like you... .I just want to heal... .

[Accepting]

Yeah I don't know... .I think being unsuspecting and positive inside yourself actually allows you to overlook some of the warning signs not push them away once they come up - instead of being a confident person leading you towards having greater boundaries, it actually sometimes allows you to have more empathy and let down your guard - cos you want or expect others to feel and act how you do in life... .to believe in Karma and treating others as you want for yourself.

I want to heal now too. I think a few more kicks in the teeth like the one I got last night should just about render me officially able to see this for what it is and accept once and for all and let go.

They need one of those headbanger emoticon smileys. One of the smiley hitting his head against a brick wall.

[patientandclear]

Why do we continue to love them when they hurt us so much? Why do I want him back? I don't know. I think I am a "fixer", I think it's called co-dependant. I was the best to him, treated him better than any of his prior girlfriends. I was his longest relationship ever so that says a lot about his relationship skills. I am like you... .I just want to heal... .

BBB -- I am sure you are/were an amazing girlfriend to this man.  I would, however, caution all of us about this line of thinking, because it can lead to efforts to be ever more amazing as a friend/partner, in hopes that finally that will pay off and they'll stop leaving/treating us poorly.

It doesn't work like that.

Look at Mitchell's story.  His pwBPD taunts him for being "insecure."  She can tell that he cares too much what she thinks.  It is not an effective way of winning their love.

I am absolutely in this category -- spent months this past year trying to show my ex just how much I cared, how great a supporter I was.  And damn, I was.

There comes a point where you have to acknowledge that, if being loving and supportive were going to do the trick, it would already have happened.  When you're already scoring in the top 1 percentile in that category & the outcome is no different, you should consider that that is not the magic button that is going to yield a different response.

I don't know that there is any magic recipe that fixes all this -- no evidence anywhere on these boards suggests that there is.  But I know for sure what it isn't -- it's bending over backwards to prove your love. You've proven enough.  That is not the issue.

I think there is a lot of evidence that pwBPD get to a point with us where our continued efforts to be abjectly loyal to them while they treat us poorly or carelessly, becomes highly unattractive.  It would be unattractive to you too, right?

So let's stop.  I'm not saying what IS the right path, but trying to prove ourselves worthy through boundless devotion is definitely NOT the right path.

Oh, and also: we should be careful about believing that we were the most loving, the most caring, the most ... .whatever, compared to their former partners.

That's usually derived from their courtship story.  Bear in mind, everyone hears that.  The next person will hear about our inadequacies in the devotion department.

It is highly unlikely to be true.  It is likely that we have a whole lot in common with those before us.  Bear in mind, we are just someone else's "replacement."  They probably wanted it to work out, too, and were really upset when it didn't.

[mitchell16]

That's usually derived from their courtship story.  Bear in mind, everyone hears that.  The next person will hear about our inadequacies in the devotion department

O no longer beleive anything about any of her exs. i used to but since i know for a fact that has told lies about me. Why would I think she wouldnt about them. and Im sure she will to the next guy about me and it will go on and on.

[November_Rain]

To hear him talk about his exes, they all left him. He was heartbroken every single time. I believe I have been the first, and longest relationship that has stuck around long enough after the way he goes from his extreme highs to extreme lows, his selfish behavior, angry outbursts, and so on. Within the first month I met his family and they were all asking me if I saw myself marrying him, saying that they wanted me as part of their family. Now I see why they were so pushy... .

[Ironmanrises]

Today im doing alot of soul searching. After a conversation with a female freind of mine last night. It made mre really reflect on how I got her. But each time I do, I alway come up short. I just dont have a clue. Am I fixer? I never really thought i was. maybe to a small degree. I wonder if I a rescuer? I know I have that in me some but to this level. Never saw it before. I never looke dt my exBPDgf as someone who needs rescuing. When I met her, it was her strength that drew me to her. She is gorgous, great body, her mind is amazing, she is educated, self supporting. I thought I had found it all. But below the surface there was huge cracks, But when I relaized it, I was already hooked. Now I feel foolish for staying. A female friend asked me how I could put up with all her bs, She said that is so much not you. and she is right. I would have never stood to be talked to or treated by anyone like this in my life. my female freind could spot her lies right away. weher I found myself believe her ridculous stories.

her attacks on me: " your insecure" true, I was very insecure about our relationship but was never insecure about myself. How could a person not be insecure with a partner who drops them because they spoke the wrong words. Really, she attacked me one time because i asked her what she had for lunch. She turned it around that I was just checking on her. I was shocked. I was just being thoughtful. she set me up to argue about my education level. I dont have college. I spent my college years in the military. But im very educated in my field and have alway competed at the top of my field. Once she was telling me something that pertained to my job. I told her she was not right. She doesnt work anywhere near my field. she was very worng about this. I was nice when I disgreeded but still she was not right. She tore into me and said " your are just intimated by people with college degrees" which wasnt true at all. But it started another fight over nothing.

always attacking me with slights or passive/aggessive attacks. " your really not my type" " if you had killed somoene while in the military I would find you more interesting" " How do you like have a bi-polar girlfirend (said while she was laughing) I laughed and said well it is diffrent. she snapped with a demon look in her eyes. "Your not qualifed to diagnose that" Once a freind cracked a joke about her to her. She laughed at the joke, he laughed and his wife laughed. I laughed and she turned around with all her evil and said " the last boyfreind I had that laughed at me I dont date him anymore so you better shut up" another time "if you dont stop arguing with me , im done, so im warning you"

this list goes on and on. So i do i find out why I stayed in all this. I mean really 2 .7 years. what is said If she would get some help I would go back in a heart beat. But i know she will never, mainly becasue she dont have to. always someone to pick up her piece. be it another man, her freinds whoever. such a long list of enablers

So how do I find this missing link so I can fix me?

Mitchell,

In bold.

The fact that you are asking that question... .

Is a step in the right direction.

That is self awareness.

Were you always like this in previous relationships... .

In reference to past relationships... .

With your parents... .

Were you always trying to be the fixer... .?

I ask... .

Cause that is my issue too... .

I have a tendency to try and rescue people... .

At the expense of myself.

Which left me exposed... .

To my exUBPDgf... .

I have been like this... .

All my life.

I struggle with this too. 

Hang in there Mitchell.

We are here for you buddy.

[DragoN]

To hear him talk about his exes, they all left him. He was heartbroken every single time.

Same, and it wasn't true either I found out much later. I wanted to be his rock, the one that he could trust and rely on. The problem with that, is he was dynamite on my shores and destroyed the rock with his doing. Then he found a replacement and nuked the rock.

Mitchell, my SO like yours, attractive, intelligent, successful, hardworking and

always attacking me with slights or passive/aggessive attacks. " your really not my type" " if you had killed somoene while in the military I would find you more interesting" " How do you like have a bi-polar girlfirend (said while she was laughing) I laughed and said well it is diffrent. she snapped with a demon look in her eyes. "Your not qualifed to diagnose that" Once a freind cracked a joke about her to her. She laughed at the joke, he laughed and his wife laughed. I laughed and she turned around with all her evil and said " the last boyfreind I had that laughed at me I dont date him anymore so you better shut up" another time "if you dont stop arguing with me , im done, so im warning you"

Who puts their SO down to stand 10cm taller by standing on their head?

At some point, with all the nasty behaviors and manners in which they treated us and tore us down... .we have to walk away.

Prior to meeting my SO I had other r/s with nice people. It was not nasty like that. The pain of the break ups was not nearly as great and not because I loved them less, but it was not confused with Betrayal bonding and cognitive dissonance.

It's not Love that drives us towards them, it's the addiction to the chaos.