Awareness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When my exUBPDgf came back to me... .

After leaving me the first time... .

3 months later... .

Her behavior initially was good.

She was aware of her disorder.

I would ask her throughout... .

Communicate with me how you feel.

She agreed.

1 week before the trigger day occurred... .

I was in her house... .

She lives outside of Boston... .

I live in NY... .

We were ready to leave her house in the morning... .

She would drive me to bus stop... .

And in her kitchen... .

Before we left... .

I was holding her... .

And she began to cry.

Up until that point... .

I had never witnessed her cry in person... .

Just over the phone.

I asked her... .

"Why are you crying... .?"

She continued to cry... .

I asked her again... .

She responds... .

":)on't ever let me go... .

Please... .

I need you to be strong Ironmanfalls... .

Promise me you are going to be strong... ."

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me... ."

All in the while crying.

I started to cry.

Immediately... .

She tells me... .

"Ironmanfalls... .

Do not cry.

I need you to be strong for me... ."

One week later... .

When I was back in her house... .

Was the very day she was triggered.

And devaluation started.

It didn't hit me... .

Till much later on... .

What that meant.

She knew.

She is aware of her disorder.

She knew her other side was on the verge... .

Of coming out.

Her tears that morning... .

Were they fake... .?

Were they real... .?

I will never know.

They fell regardless... .

And it was as if she tried to warn me... .

In her own way.

That was the last time she was ever fully lucid... .

With me.

That was the last time... .

She was actually nice towards me.

That morning.

It was hell after that.

I remember all of that.

I hate this disorder.

[Ironmanrises]

When my exUBPDgf came back to me... .

After leaving me the first time... .

3 months later... .

Her behavior initially was good.

She was aware of her disorder.

I would ask her throughout... .

Communicate with me how you feel.

She agreed.

1 week before the trigger day occurred... .

I was in her house... .

She lives outside of Boston... .

I live in NY... .

We were ready to leave her house in the morning... .

She would drive me to bus stop... .

And in her kitchen... .

Before we left... .

I was holding her... .

And she began to cry.

Up until that point... .

I had never witnessed her cry in person... .

Just over the phone.

I asked her... .

"Why are you crying... .?"

She continued to cry... .

I asked her again... .

She responds... .

":)on't ever let me go... .

Please... .

I need you to be strong Ironmanfalls... .

Promise me you are going to be strong... ."

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me... ."

All in the while crying.

I started to cry.

Immediately... .

She tells me... .

"Ironmanfalls... .

Do not cry.

I need you to be strong for me... ."

One week later... .

When I was back in her house... .

Was the very day she was triggered.

And devaluation started.

It didn't hit me... .

Till much later on... .

What that meant.

She knew.

She is aware of her disorder.

She knew her other side was on the verge... .

Of coming out.

Her tears that morning... .

Were they fake... .?

Were they real... .?

I will never know.

They fell regardless... .

And it was as if she tried to warn me... .

In her own way.

That was the last time she was ever fully lucid... .

With me.

That was the last time... .

She was actually nice towards me.

That morning.

It was hell after that.

I remember all of that.

I hate this disorder.

[UnLuckyLady]

My God.  I just wish there was a way to forget. Forget it all even happened.  Me just being me, would take comfort in knowing that she knew what was ahead.  But comfort can't always soften the blow either.  I am so sorry.  I hear the sadness in your words.

[winston72]

So sorry, Ironman.  My heart goes out to you... and to her.   Your description is so heartfelt and wonderful.  Thank you for your words.

My sense of the events that you describe is that she is being buffeted about by the out of control emotional and psychological forces within her.  The tears are real, the plea for your strength is real, the rejection is real, the devaluation is real... .and your corresponding compassion, love, commitment, pain and anguish is real... .and reasonable.  And all of it adds up to something that cannot continue as a relationship.  Ugh.

Blessings to you.

[Ironmanrises]

Unlucky and Winston,

Thank you.  

There is no way to forget... .

Unfortunately.

Being as sentimental as I am... .

That... .

That very memory... .

Is ingrained in me.

I tried to help her... .

With my compassion... .

With my empathy... .

I stood there... .

While she launched... .

Missile after missile... .

At me.

I stood there... .

And took all of that... .

And in the end... .

She left.

Regardless.

None of my love... .

Or compassion... .

Or empathy... .

Mattered.

None of it.

There was no helping her.

That is the reality of this.

And that scene I described in my post... .

If I took that as a snapshot... .

And placed it... .

Next to a snapshot... .

Of say... .

A few weeks later... .

When the devaluation... .

Already had set in fully... .

They wouldn't match.

But that was the same person.

It has taken me so long... .

To even link the two... .

As one... .

In my mind.

That memory haunts me.

I was in literal tears... .

As I wrote the post... .

At work.

[DragoN]

The memories haunt and cause so much pain. Sorry Ironmanfalls, the anguish is awful. 

It didn't hit me... .

Till much later on... .

What that meant.

She knew.

She is aware of her disorder.

She knew her other side was on the verge... .

Of coming out.

And they know and do not get the help they need.

They will have a replacement in place and discard. Treat us like dirt before they discard and fully aware.

I knew about the disorder and wanted to believe my SO was different. I was wrong. LDR marriage was the perfect cover for him.

Because they are Aware, they can be held Accountable. Accountability is removing myself permanently from the marriage. The discards were numerous as far as I am concerned. Only to be recycled again and again.

The "I Love you's" by phone? Every day to call, not once but often times, what was that? Object constancy. All about the disorder.

Eventually, the fantasy begins to unravel for the lonely child, that they are alone- and the person that the lonely child fell in love with, (the person in the mirror,) was actually YOU.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524

Perhaps you may find that helpful to understand your role in the dynamic.

[UnLuckyLady]

As i sit here reading your post I continuously have.to wipe my eyes to see.  I am the most alone and.shattered I have ever been in my life.  You are SO not alone in this... .

[Ironmanrises]

The memories haunt and cause so much pain. Sorry Ironmanfalls, the anguish is awful. 

It didn't hit me... .

Till much later on... .

What that meant.

She knew.

She is aware of her disorder.

She knew her other side was on the verge... .

Of coming out.

And they know and do not get the help they need.

They will have a replacement in place and discard. Treat us like dirt before they discard and fully aware.

I knew about the disorder and wanted to believe my SO was different. I was wrong. LDR marriage was the perfect cover for him.

Because they are Aware, they can be held Accountable. Accountability is removing myself permanently from the marriage. The discards were numerous as far as I am concerned. Only to be recycled again and again.

The "I Love you's" by phone? Every day to call, not once but often times, what was that? Object constancy. All about the disorder.

Eventually, the fantasy begins to unravel for the lonely child, that they are alone- and the person that the lonely child fell in love with, (the person in the mirror,) was actually YOU.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524

Perhaps you may find that helpful to understand your role in the dynamic.

Thank you Sabratha.

In bold.

Before i let my exUBPDgf back into my life... .

I implored her... .

For her sake... .

For her 2 sons sake... .

To get help.

I tried... .

I tried so hard... .

To communicate that to her.

She heard the words... .

But did nothing.

On the day she left me... .

That second time... .

I implored her again... .

To get help.

I tried... .

With all my communication abilities... .

For her to hear me... .

And she would... .

Deny... .

Admit... .

All at the same time.

I tried so hard.

Unlucky,

My post... .

Was to share with all of you... .

What i experienced... .

When i let her back into my life... .

That second time... .

So that those of you... .

Wishing... .

That your ex... .

Comes back to you... .

Reads this... .

And others accounts... .

That your fate... .

Will repeat over and over again... .

With the pwBPD.

Sure... .

They will act better at first... .

Until they get triggered... .

But that is the only... .

Time period... .

Up until the trigger day... .

In which they will do so.

You are not alone either.

Hang in there.

[snappafcw]

Thanks Ironman

My situation was very much the same she had awareness in her small moments of clarity and I also begged my ex to get help. Mainly for herself but of course for me as well I need to own my part however my heart was always in the right place. I thought it was just depression at the time I didn't know about BPD i guess thats why it was so traumatic. When I asked her to get help in her moments of clarity she was almost open to the idea... .Then it would quickly turn into "stop reminding me im depressed you are making me more depressed I don't want to feel like I'm crazy!

I guess i need to take part of the blame she needs to want to get help herself I can't force her no matter how many cruel things she does... .

[Ironmanrises]

Thanks Ironman

My situation was very much the same she had awareness in her small moments of clarity and I also begged my ex to get help. Mainly for herself but of course for me as well I need to own my part however my heart was always in the right place. I thought it was just depression at the time I didn't know about BPD i guess thats why it was so traumatic. When I asked her to get help in her moments of clarity she was almost open to the idea... .Then it would quickly turn into "stop reminding me im depressed you are making me more depressed I don't want to feel like I'm crazy!

I guess i need to take part of the blame she needs to want to get help herself I can't force her no matter how many cruel things she does... .

Snap,

Welcome.

In bold.

It was the same for me too... .

She used very similar words... .

As the idealization progressed.

She would say... .

"Stop analyzing me... ."... .

All i would be saying is... .

"Communicate how you feel with me... .

So i have an idea of what is going on within you... ."

She was so uncomfortable... .

With revealing... .

Deep buried feelings.

I sensed it... .

The way she would react.

And i felt powerless.