Contact 6.Oct and I'm fine :)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex-bf sent an email last night which I've just seen.

He's tried really, really really hard to lash out at me, to say horrible things, to hurt me, and... .um... .I'm giggling.

I don't think that is what he's expecting me to do... .

The best he could come up with, in a long diatribe was:

- I smell (no, I don't)

- he doesn't find me attractive (coulda fooled me - why are you still contacting me?)

- I whine, and he lists at length various people in his life who had far more than me to complain about but didn't whine (one of whom he has complained endlessly to me about how she whines... .)

Then he goes on to whine about his own life and all the torment he's been through.

Then he tells me he said long ago this isn't going to work and I need serious help and he hopes I get that.

Er, well ex-bf, tell me who has suggested there was any "this" any more? I certainly don't think there is any "this" to work or not work, and am surprised you think there is.



One thing he is correct on - I do need serious help. And I am getting it. I need serious help to figure out why my levels of confidence in my loveableness were so low that the mirroring worked to keep me 'in' for 9 months after the honeym,oon period wore off. In fact, the first wild lashing-out was only 6 weeks into the mirroring honeymoon and I let that pass too - I need to know why I felt it was acceptable for anyone to treat me that way, let alone someone who claimed to care for me above all.


But overall - I'd been half-hoping, half-anxious about contact... .and this has not only made me giggle, but given me a confidence boost. If that's the worst he can come up with in a state of furious hatred ("You smell!" then... .well, I must be an ok person

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

My ex-bf sent an email last night which I've just seen.

He's tried really, really really hard to lash out at me, to say horrible things, to hurt me, and... .um... .I'm giggling.

I don't think that is what he's expecting me to do... .

The best he could come up with, in a long diatribe was:

- I smell (no, I don't)

- he doesn't find me attractive (coulda fooled me - why are you still contacting me?)

- I whine, and he lists at length various people in his life who had far more than me to complain about but didn't whine (one of whom he has complained endlessly to me about how she whines... .)

Then he goes on to whine about his own life and all the torment he's been through.

Then he tells me he said long ago this isn't going to work and I need serious help and he hopes I get that.

Er, well ex-bf, tell me who has suggested there was any "this" any more? I certainly don't think there is any "this" to work or not work, and am surprised you think there is.



One thing he is correct on - I do need serious help. And I am getting it. I need serious help to figure out why my levels of confidence in my loveableness were so low that the mirroring worked to keep me 'in' for 9 months after the honeym,oon period wore off. In fact, the first wild lashing-out was only 6 weeks into the mirroring honeymoon and I let that pass too - I need to know why I felt it was acceptable for anyone to treat me that way, let alone someone who claimed to care for me above all.


But overall - I'd been half-hoping, half-anxious about contact... .and this has not only made me giggle, but given me a confidence boost. If that's the worst he can come up with in a state of furious hatred ("You smell!" then... .well, I must be an ok person

[Reg]

Hi Escaped,

How serious as a disease borderline may be, once you know what the problem is, and once you understand the behavior, the way they are reacting and interacting, it all becomes so predictable in a way, doesn't it ?   Not that we can predict when things are going to happen, even they can't do that, but we know it may happen and what is going to happen.

I know how it feels, and if I'm honest with myself, I have been laughing a few times myself with my ex partner her reactions as well.  The here we go again, do you actually believe that yourself ? line popping in my head.

I completely agree on the own issues, it is good to look at them, and we can grow on an emotional level ourselves, due to things that happened in our past and left scars as well.  I know I did, and still am :-)

But it is sometimes unbelievable how far they take things not to experience any guilt or shame.

Mine had contact with one of her exes (actually her husband from whom she is to divorce since five years and with whom she lives now while having a relationship with someone else), BPD vs BPD behavior with another two, and the result was that she was still telling me that she contact with all of her 7 exes, because I didn't have any real contact.  I confronted her a few times with the reality and she didn't appreciate it.  Even to the point that she is now again friends with her first ex which abused her physically and due to who's actions she got involved in with, could have ended up in youth prison, just to proof me wrong, how sick and twisted is that !

Seems you are on the right track now, continue the good work ! 

Reg

[allweareisallweare]

Did you reply?

You're freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee from all of that now; seems these people just get a level where they have to spill over, like a river bursting its banks, and the hatred just pours out - or the fake love - and they can't substitute or sublimate it any longer hence they contact, not realising that ... .they're in an illusory world and we, however hard we fall, are picking ourselves up and moving on, for us it was a setback, for them another rupture... .they will end up alone.

TBH I did block my exBPDgf's emails, but that's not the point since she'd find a way somehow to get through should she wish - like I say, she did, she retained my number to text... .and I unblocked her email addresses from one of my accounts (not the other) because I am curious what she will say - this was before I was ultimately split black - since she expressed happiness at me keeping the contact option open - she was delusional to think we'd be friends. I'm not anxious whether she will re-engage because I can't think what she would say which would interest per se me ... .she tumbled down the rungs of my estimation to scum level and she's there and thereabouts now.

Like Reg says, the levels these people go to escape guilt or shame - I was expressively told by ******** that they never felt sorry once in a disagreement - and I was certainly never shown it. If you can't feel sorry how can you empathize? Because one emotion could unlock the others so easily - if they can feel guilt - shame - sorriness - they can feel empathy ... .but no, it has been decided that they can't, they're not built that way and so we're alone; always have been, in fighting a struggle.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Did you reply? [/quote]
Of course not! I'm still busy giggling at "You smell!"

Like Reg says, the levels these people go to escape guilt or shame - I was expressively told by ******** that they never felt sorry once in a disagreement - and I was certainly never shown it. If you can't feel sorry how can you empathize? Because one emotion could unlock the others so easily - if they can feel guilt - shame - sorriness - they can feel empathy ... .but no, it has been decided that they can't, they're not built that way and so we're alone; always have been, in fighting a struggle.

Hmmm... .I don't think we can really say whether they feel or don't feel - there's certainly a lot of people living with the disorder who say they feel TOO much and that makes a lot of sense. Or maybe they don't feel emotions. Or maybe they feel some, but not all. Or just different ones.

They certainly don't display normal responses and normal emotions - but then I would say I haven't done, either in most of this.

It takes two to tango - it's just that right now, my ex-bf is still on the dancefloor, rose clenched between his teeth looking forward to standing me up mid-dance - but I've gone off rock-climbing with good friends instead, so he's got a long wait... .