Opinions please:how to resist specific victim role reversal in potential recycle

[Numbers]

Hi all,

I was toying with a thought today that proved really funny. Please imagine this: You succumb to yourself and allow reestablishment of contact. And you get together and talk again. And you are keeping your guard up because you are hurt and suffering. You approach the conversation from detached, intellectual point, and then she (he) might bomb you with a pitifully simple sentence that proved to be my undoing time and time again:

"Why are you so cold?"

In my particular case, that simple sentence put me immediately into JADE (justify / argue / defend /explain) and DARVO (deny / attack / reverse victim and offender). The point is, it's not just me, I tested that line at several of my workmates today. And it immediately put them on the defensive. Incredibly funny, the amount of justification I received: "I am NOT cold", "Why do you think I am cold", "Why, did I do anything wrong" etc etc. A BPD would just work from there, since we are reprogrammed to accept their opinion as common morale or ethics.

That (and similar) lines are a BPD tool to throw you off balance at the very beginning of the contact. It is there to instill doubt, invoke responsibility and score, while you are still in separation throes - in essence "poor me, how you handle me".

My question is: imagine if you are being recycled. What would be your answer to the "why are you so cold" question with minimal impact on your sense of worth and with minimal opening to be brainwashed again. Yes, I am anticipating another recycle attempt and just trying to equip myself better.

Thank you.

[mitchell16]

that is very interesting because mine used that all the time and I would get defensive. becasue I wasnt and I couldnt undertsand why she was accusing me off it. But if I think about what would be a normal response. same when she would say I didnt love her like I did. I woudl start trying to defend myself. Maybe I shouldnt have but it would just be my normal reaction.

[Traumatized]

Because you're so hot, I have to balance things out somehow.

That ought to throw her for a loop ().

[Learning_curve74]

Because you're so hot, I have to balance things out somehow.

That ought to throw her for a loop ().

Too funny, BA! 

It's an attack like saying "you suck" in code.

[Ironmanrises]

I was recycled once... .

And I knew about her BPD the second time around.

I watched her behavior very closely... .

Throughout.

I thought the second time... .

Armed with the knowledge... .

Of actually knowing... .

Would make me better able... .

To resist what I knew... .

She was going to launch at me... .

Made no difference.

Problem is... .

You have to keep your guard up... .

At 100% to effectively resist... .

The hell that is inbound.

But allowing the pwBPD... .

Back in... .

You cannot keep your guard up at 100%... .

So even letting it down... .

To 99%... .

Is enough room... .

To allow the manipulation... .

To seep in... .

Which will begin... .

To undermine... .

The relationship... .

Your confidence... .

And what not.

In my case... .

I tried to be even more compassionate... .

With my exUBPDgf... .

I tried to not react too much initially... .

But there were limits being overstepped... .

And she began to take advantage... .

Of that.

So that enabled her behavior... .

Towards me... .

To escalate.

I tried to be more understanding... .

I knew she was projecting... .

I watched her behavior... .

Spiral downward.

I began to have to watch everything that I said to her... .

Which further eroded my confidence... .

And even doing that... .

Her behavior progressively worsened.

I kept twisting myself... .

To accommodate her behavior... .

At my expense.

Made no difference.

No matted how I answered her questions... .

No matter the tone of voice... .

She was going to react... .

As the BPD disorder dictates... .

The thought process... .

That was transpiring... .

In her head... .

To do so.

Nothing I did... .

Or said... .

Made any difference.

So to answer your question... .

It is futile.

There is no answer... .

That would satisfy... .

The desired result.

And that hurts to realize.

[saw_tooth]

To resist what I knew... .

She was going to launch at me... .

Made no difference.

Problem is... .

You have to keep your guard up... .

At 100% to effectively resist... .

This cuts off the chemistry of a proper relationship

I tried to be even more compassionate... .

With my exUBPDgf... .

I tried to not react too much initially... .

But there were limits being overstepped... .

I kept twisting myself... .

To accommodate her behavior... .

At my expense.

Made no difference.

No matted how I answered her questions... .

No matter what the tone of my voice... .

She was going to react... .

Nothing I did... .

Or said... .

Made any difference.[/quote]
Been there,experienced that.All attempts to reason with him failed and everything wrong he did,when questioned,was twisted and warped and thrown back in my face as though it was my fault.

Also,the degree of his harshness and cruelty was directly proportional to how much I loved and cared for him.The more I cared,the harsher he would be.

[saw_tooth]

One effective way to react to 'Why are you so cold' is to twist it back on them and say 'I'm not cold,you're cold.You always accuse me of things I am not.Grow up.'

Give them a taste of their own projection

Jokes apart,it doesn't really work.

They are too disordered :'(

[Ironmanrises]

To resist what I knew... .

She was going to launch at me... .

Made no difference.

Problem is... .

You have to keep your guard up... .

At 100% to effectively resist... .

This cuts off the chemistry of a proper relationship

I tried to be even more compassionate... .

With my exUBPDgf... .

I tried to not react too much initially... .

But there were limits being overstepped... .

I kept twisting myself... .

To accommodate her behavior... .

At my expense.

Made no difference.

No matted how I answered her questions... .

No matter what the tone of my voice... .

She was going to react... .

Nothing I did... .

Or said... .

Made any difference.

Been there,experienced that.All attempts to reason with him failed and everything wrong he did,when questioned,was twisted and warped and thrown back in my face as though it was my fault.

Also,the degree of his harshness and cruelty was directly proportional to how much I loved and cared for him.The more I cared,the harsher he would be.[/quote]
In italics.

Spot on.

It was the same for me.

Also signifies how close she started to get to me.

She was far harsher towards me second time... .

As we got closer(I met her 2 sons)... .

In comparison to first time... .

We had not gotten as close(I had not met her 2 sons in that round)... .

Direct correlation.

Saddens me.

[DragoN]

"Why are you so cold?"

Because I am so hammered dead inside towards you?

Last time my SO was around, that was the feeling, dead. He tried all the emotional hooks and black mail and insults and the usual drive by's to get a reaction. But... .dead. I think that may even be past detachment. Later... .it hurt. My shields are pretty good, but underneath? Gooey.

Some strange and horrible mix of cognitive dissonance, betrayal bonding and a broken heart.

[LivingLearning]

Lemme practice and also, not be with them!

Say my ex says, "what are you so cold?"

SUPPORT:

I really want to take that question seriously, because I care.

EMPATHY:

I imagine how I'd feel when someone is cold, and that sucks, I don't like that feeling.

TRUTH:

When I listen to you say that I think some stuff. 1, that you're asking why am I distant, and 2. That you are asking me to not be so distant.

I am distant because I feel better when I am so because I have not had the consistant relationship if like with you. I am not willing to be closer than we are because I am not sure things won't change. So therefor my choice is to be as close as I am choosing to be right now.