Need Advise

[nyfit1]

Hello all. My uBPDgf and I broke up for the 18th time in two years last Friday. I know I need to talk to a therapist to finally get over this but I simply can not afford one at the moment. I'm asking for advise from member s that are seeing a therapist.

Here's my dilemma. I work in the same office as my ex. This makes no contact impossible. I feel so much better and stronger on weekends when I don't see her. I even tell myself on the drive in to work that I will not be manipulated today but I always crumble.

She knows how to push my buttons. She'll look sad and ask me to talk and I can't say no. I've tried. We broke up again cause I caught her in another lie. I can stay mad at her when I don't see her but she knows how to play me. I actually feel guilty. I know I'm being played but I can't stop feeling sorry for her.

Then when I get home I constantly check my phone for her texts. I know she will only contact me if she is alone or feeling guilty. I know she doesn't really care about my feelings. Even knowing this I get waves of anxiety. I truly don't want to be with her. I need help getting over the Obsession. What advise have your therapists giving on conquering these irrational thoughts? Are there any exercises or tricks to get my mind off it? I know my brain has been conditioned to think this way due to 2 solid years of being her caregiving. I wish I could go complete no contact. Thank u for listening.

[fromheeltoheal]

It would have been impossible for me to detach and heal if I was seeing her all the time, and after 18 recycles you've pretty much beat the relationship to death.  Time to make some tough decisions and put your health first; are you willing to go to any length, including quit?

The first time I got together with my BPD ex, 25 years ago, we worked together, she left me abruptly, as they do, hooked up with someone else, and strutted around like life was grand and we'd never had a relationship, again as they do.  It was hell, but I was young and had no awareness of the disorder, so I just stuck it out; my ego was in control, there was no way I was going to quit because of her, but on the day she got fired I let out a massive sigh of relief.  Don't know what your work situation is, but how much control of contact with her do you have?

[Take2]

Hi NYfit1... .I live the same thing you are going through. ... it's been impossible to maintain nc since I work in close proximity to my ex as well.   We have gone through so many cycles I've lost count.  It's the most unhealthy situation I could ever imagine with someone I still feel like I love .  And I have been going to a therapist for almost a year now to help detach.  I have yet to understand why I would allow such terrible treatment. ... .I do know that our circumstances of working with them makes it way way harder to break it off.  

Just seeing them makes that addictive pull come back.  Trust me I know.

Tricks to get over the ex?  I've been told I should likely get a new job (easier said than done, to not respond at all to text or calls.  To not take their bait.  To go to HR and report him for harassment(way too afraid of what he might do if I did that).  Etc.

Its very very hard to break free.  I do feel trapped.  Yet know part of it is my own issues keeping me trapped... .

be strong.  Keep your head down and focus on work only.  Stay above any crazy behavior she tries to provoke.  And good luck... .

[nyfit1]

Ty guys for responding. I've worked there for 20 years. There's no way I can quit. I know quoting cause of her will put me over the edge. I'm so aware of her games and tell myself over and over dont fall for it but its like a chemical reaction. I just find myself interacting.

Both if us have sworn many times before that we were do e recycling but the problem is we are both drawn to each other and we both know the other one wants to get back together. We both know its unhealthy but we fall into it.

Breaking up is always tough ESP with a person that has BPD traits. I think I've overcome the addiction of the need to feel wanted and all the ego boosting over he top compliments. I don't believe they is the pull anymore. A lot of it is feeling compassion for her. No matter how crazy she acts toward me I excuse her behavior because I know she can't help it.

In many ways , thinking that she has BPD gas worked against me. I make excuses for her. If I didn't know what BPD was I would just figure she was a selfish immature woman.

[Bananas]

Hello all. My uBPDgf and I broke up for the 18th time in two years last Friday. I know I need to talk to a therapist to finally get over this but I simply can not afford one at the moment. I'm asking for advise from member s that are seeing a therapist.

Here's my dilemma. I work in the same office as my ex. This makes no contact impossible. I feel so much better and stronger on weekends when I don't see her. I even tell myself on the drive in to work that I will not be manipulated today but I always crumble.

She knows how to push my buttons. She'll look sad and ask me to talk and I can't say no. I've tried. We broke up again cause I caught her in another lie. I can stay mad at her when I don't see her but she knows how to play me. I actually feel guilty. I know I'm being played but I can't stop feeling sorry for her.

Then when I get home I constantly check my phone for her texts. I know she will only contact me if she is alone or feeling guilty. I know she doesn't really care about my feelings. Even knowing this I get waves of anxiety. I truly don't want to be with her. I need help getting over the Obsession. What advise have your therapists giving on conquering these irrational thoughts? Are there any exercises or tricks to get my mind off it? I know my brain has been conditioned to think this way due to 2 solid years of being her caregiving. I wish I could go complete no contact. Thank u for listening.

Wow I could have wrote that post, and I think I did write something similar a few months back!  I also worked with the ex.  And I have worked at my company 20 years too so I am not going anywhere! 

I am in therapy, diagnosed with symptoms of PTSD.

So here are some things that have worked for me, I am almost 7 months post breakup, I will tell you it DOES get easier.  Do you have to have professional contact?  If so then you will have to be LC like me. 

I changed my schedule at work a little, varying my breaks and lunch so as not to run into the ex.  I park in a new spot (away from him) and I try not to walk past his office as much as possible. 

I set a boundary for myself that I will only talk to my ex about work related issues, period!  I simply ignore any emails that are not work related.  If he calls on my work phone (we have caller ID so I know it is him) I always let it go to voicemail.  If he leaves a message, and it is work related, I will return the call.

When he says hello to me in the hall I will say hello, but otherwise I don't make eye contact and ignore him.  I know that sounds impolite, but I have to do it.  I cannot give him an "in" or he will run all over me.  Ignoring is very difficult for me as I usually say hello to everyone I pass in the hall.  But as another member on this board said, his behavior to me at the end was very impolite so I have to change up my game to protect myself.   

When he first tried to engage me with small talk and personal stuff I just politely reminded him that our communication should be work only. 

I still have a lot of anxiety.  I am practicing mindfulness and my therapist showed me a technique to where I temporarily escape to a safe place in my mind when I see him. 

Hope you find that helpful, here are links to some workshops that helped me with mindfulness and with the obsessive thinking. 

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

TOOLS: Dealing with Ruminations


Good luck!

Bananas

[nyfit1]

Ty bananas. That does help. I have tried ignoring her but I always feel guilty and childish afterwards. I end up going to her and explaining myself. Problem is she is a very nice person most of the time and I view her as a sick child. It's very tough to be cold to her.

[Learning_curve74]

A lot of it is feeling compassion for her. No matter how crazy she acts toward me I excuse her behavior because I know she can't help it.

In many ways , thinking that she has BPD gas worked against me. I make excuses for her.

Hi nyfit1, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, as I totally understand where you're coming from because I felt exactly the same way. But let's also not fall into the same trap that a pwBPD is stuck in: that they cannot help it. Yes, it is extremely difficult for them to overcome their disordered ways of feeling and thinking and the dysfunctional behaviors they've developed. But there are pwBPD who have learned to manage it -- they first chose to accept that they have a serious disability and then chose to address it.

While one of the greatest obstacles to our healing is to truly accept that they may never change, I also do not believe that we should call them "damned" or whatever is a good way of putting it. Just because something is extremely unlikely doesn't mean it is impossible; just becuse they do not accept the fact that they can be the author of their own personal narrative doesn't make it invalid.

Ty bananas. That does help. I have tried ignoring her but I always feel guilty and childish afterwards. I end up going to her and explaining myself. Problem is she is a very nice person most of the time and I view her as a sick child. It's very tough to be cold to her.

We are all trying our best at the present moment. It's okay to "fail", we just need to remember to keep trying.