BPD Males and sexual abuse... Is there any connection?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been reading up on the characteristics of sexual abuse on men as children. A lot of what I believe to be BPD looks strangely similar to sexually abused men. Before ever suspecting any kind of personality disorder, I had questions about my now exBPDbf's sexuality. I was honestly thinking that he may be gay! The reason was because of his reaction's to a questionnaire (like a get to know you type thing) and one of the questions was how do you feel about homosexuality. He became angry and irritated. I brought up a conversation that he had had with his youngest brother about the middle brother and the possibility that he was bisexual. I asked him how he felt about it. He appeared to be extremely homophobic. He even mentioned that he is no longer friends with a guy because he was gay (guy was a chaplain in the military). When I said that I didn't think you could be "Bi", you were either gay or straight he got mad. Kinda fishing around now for how he felt, I said that I didn't see what a guy could get from another guy that he couldn't get from a girl. He said, Anal... .I said that men and women did that... .and he said "No, receiving anal". I said "wow, I bet that really hurts" and he said it should only hurt the first time and then feel good afterwards. So at this point, I'm kinda freaked out thinking that maybe he was gay. Later on, I directly ask him  to which he calmly replied no. I asked if he had ever been abused and he calmly replied no. Then he completely changed the subject. I found out later that his friend, or ex friend, was his BEST friend. He is living an openly gay lifestyle and holds a position in a church. My ex and his family are pretty religious so I guess it threw me off... .Other things that seem strange to me too... .He waited until he was 28 to have sex for the first time and he met her on an online sex site. He didn't have his first gf until 20. He doesn't like much in the sex dept (trying not to get too detailed). He has told me at times he didn't want sex and I am usually the one who iniciates. I know this is all TMI, but I am started to wonder if all of these symptoms are from being sexually abused as a child. He has very controlling parents and I have some thoughts about his dad. The first time meeting me he asked what our church thought about unwed couples having sex outside of marriage... .I almost cried. My exBPDbf said he didn't think his dad was talking about us... .He has a lot of anxiety about pleasing his parents, would never defy his father. When visiting his home which is across the country, was supposed to be our vacation, his dad stepped in and planned the entire thing... .Any help would be much appreciated!

[November_Rain]

I have been reading up on the characteristics of sexual abuse on men as children. A lot of what I believe to be BPD looks strangely similar to sexually abused men. Before ever suspecting any kind of personality disorder, I had questions about my now exBPDbf's sexuality. I was honestly thinking that he may be gay! The reason was because of his reaction's to a questionnaire (like a get to know you type thing) and one of the questions was how do you feel about homosexuality. He became angry and irritated. I brought up a conversation that he had had with his youngest brother about the middle brother and the possibility that he was bisexual. I asked him how he felt about it. He appeared to be extremely homophobic. He even mentioned that he is no longer friends with a guy because he was gay (guy was a chaplain in the military). When I said that I didn't think you could be "Bi", you were either gay or straight he got mad. Kinda fishing around now for how he felt, I said that I didn't see what a guy could get from another guy that he couldn't get from a girl. He said, Anal... .I said that men and women did that... .and he said "No, receiving anal". I said "wow, I bet that really hurts" and he said it should only hurt the first time and then feel good afterwards. So at this point, I'm kinda freaked out thinking that maybe he was gay. Later on, I directly ask him  to which he calmly replied no. I asked if he had ever been abused and he calmly replied no. Then he completely changed the subject. I found out later that his friend, or ex friend, was his BEST friend. He is living an openly gay lifestyle and holds a position in a church. My ex and his family are pretty religious so I guess it threw me off... .Other things that seem strange to me too... .He waited until he was 28 to have sex for the first time and he met her on an online sex site. He didn't have his first gf until 20. He doesn't like much in the sex dept (trying not to get too detailed). He has told me at times he didn't want sex and I am usually the one who iniciates. I know this is all TMI, but I am started to wonder if all of these symptoms are from being sexually abused as a child. He has very controlling parents and I have some thoughts about his dad. The first time meeting me he asked what our church thought about unwed couples having sex outside of marriage... .I almost cried. My exBPDbf said he didn't think his dad was talking about us... .He has a lot of anxiety about pleasing his parents, would never defy his father. When visiting his home which is across the country, was supposed to be our vacation, his dad stepped in and planned the entire thing... .Any help would be much appreciated!

[GreenMango]

Childhood sexual abuse is a very vulnerable and tender issue for survivors.  It's not something people usually share.  For what I've read some feel a lot of shame over it.  Some people with BPD experienced sexual abuse but it is not defining element.  The behavior is the defining element and how that pattern presents over time.

Identity issues and intimacy issues, though, are pretty common with people with BPD.  It comes in a lot forms.  Could present as not knowing ones sexuality as much as not knowing being able to define a career path - constant changing in ones direction or sense of self.

It doesn't always take some horrific abuse to become BPD.  It's 42% genetic and 52%environment.  Emotionally sensitive kids experiencing trauma or neglect.  Add some poor lessons in life, or overbearing dismissive environments you never know what can happen.

[November_Rain]

Thanks for the reply. I guess I am just trying to figure out if all of the depression, the push/pull behavior, the anger & outbursts, the crying, dramatic mood swings, and so on... .is it really BPD or could it be caused by sexual abuse?

[topknot]

I can only speak from my situation, that my ex was sexually abused by his mother and accused him of some very horrific things upon her death. He remembers being in bed with her  but cannot remember what transpired. I assumed he was under about 10 at the time, and when I dared to ask the age, he said about 14. How horrible, but yet he put me through such terrible things as well, so what can you say ... .:'(

[Octoberfest]

Thanks for the reply. I guess I am just trying to figure out if all of the depression, the push/pull behavior, the anger & outbursts, the crying, dramatic mood swings, and so on... .is it really BPD or could it be caused by sexual abuse?

Broken-

Not to be harsh, but what does it matter?  Whether it is in fact BPD or behavior brought on by the sexual abuse, the result is the same- depression, push/pull behavior, anger, outbursts, crying, dramatic mood swings, and so on.  No matter what the "cause" of the behavior, it is not something that YOU can fix; only your Ex and a LOT of therapy.  I totally understand wanting to understand... .but I think there are two different kinds you are dealing with.  There is understanding how the things your BPDex did you to are a result of the disorder, and there is understanding of how they developed the disorder in the first place.  The first kind can do you a lot of good- it can absolve you of guilt, feeling like you were in the wrong and/or deserving of the behavior you received.  I just don't see anything worthwhile coming from YOU working with the second kind.  It would certainly do your BPDex WORLDS of good to think about that, but it is nothing that you can change.

Octoberfest

[DragoN]

Octoberfest,

Mind if I toss this thought out to you. I agree with your statement. And, what if at the same time, the person that is suffering from BPD or other illness/ fears  due to sexual abuse or whatever, and they are Aware and trying , wanting to change, would you support them?

[SweetCharlotte]

My uBPDh claims that his mother would enter his room at night and feel him up genitally, from puberty onward. He says that she did this to some of his brothers too.

It's a chicken-and-egg thing, because I feel that he inherited his disorder from her. My family knew her quite well and she was believed to be "crazy." So, if he had no predisposition towards a PD, he might have survived the abuse without having it warp his whole personality. However, the inherited predisposition plus the environmental/developmental scarring has led to his current condition IMO.

[Octoberfest]

Octoberfest,

Mind if I toss this thought out to you. I agree with your statement. And, what if at the same time, the person that is suffering from BPD or other illness/ fears  due to sexual abuse or whatever, and they are Aware and trying , wanting to change, would you support them?

A subject that is close to home... .

My BPDex is diagnosed.  And she was in therapy while I was with her.  I went to her therapy sessions with her on several occasions.  She told me on countless occasions that she wanted to change.  I have a heart wrenching email from her professing how badly she wants to walk the honorable path that I do... .How clearly she sees things, how much she appreciates the lessons I have tried to share with her.  Her ACTIONS said something entirely different though. And that is the rub.

My Grandpa (one of the smartest men I know) has a saying that struck a chord in me when thinking about my BPDex and our relationship.

"Show me"

A pretty simple statement, but there is a lot of weight behind it. She told me she wanted to change.  That she was changing, doing things differently.  I was supporting her emotionally as best as I could (as best as a 19 yr old kid in his first relationship with no hard or traumatic events in his life could) and like I said going to therapy with her.  The entire time though she continued to cheat on me.  To start cheating with other people when the things she had going dried up or when I found out about them.  I stayed with her/went back too many times to count in the span of 9 months.  I went back after finding out she got pregnant and miscarried another mans child while I was with her. I did my god da*n time and gave her every opportunity to change.  She didn't.

I didn't jump ship when I found out she had BPD.  I jumped ship when I couldn't withstand the emotional torture that her actions put me through anymore.

[DragoN]

Thank you Octoberfest. Matches  my thoughts on the matter as well.

[November_Rain]

Octoberfest,

Mind if I toss this thought out to you. I agree with your statement. And, what if at the same time, the person that is suffering from BPD or other illness/ fears  due to sexual abuse or whatever, and they are Aware and trying , wanting to change, would you support them?

I think it makes all of the difference if he was abused and I would absolutely support him (if he would allow me to). I think to heal from something you have to know exactly what you are healing from though. When he goes into his depressions and says that he has thoughts that he doesn't want to think about, it would help to know what he's dealing with. If it is sexual abuse, he needs to know that what he feels is to be expected and that he was in no way responsible for what happenned. If it wasn't sexual abuse, then something traumatized him and won't get any better until he deals with the pain of it and learns to cope with the thoughts he has. I love this man with all of my heart and it tears me up to know he is in so much pain. I know that I cannot fix him, but I want to be there for him, to show him that I will stand by him no matter what the cause of his behavior is.

[numbr3]

BbB,

Go with your gut girl!

My xH had a lot of sexual issues.  20 years of marriage and he would never tell the whole story.  Only that he had an affair at 18 with an older woman and moved in with her and her husband.  We could be having sex and in the middle of it he would just stop and say how that relationship had messed him up sexually.  I also believe he had sexual abuse as a child but don't know who.

After our divorce he went totally crazy with sex. Many women and I found out men too. I believe now that he could be gay and I think he has interest in young boys.  (Possibly reliving his own trauma.)

Had a call from a police detective asking about xH's interest in boys, whether he had molested my children and if I thought xH was gay. That was a huge eye opener for me.  It did validate all my suspicions.

I was not crazy for thinking that. Looking back there was always an underlying current. He would never admit to being gay or bi being that he is in a macho profession

.I too would have been supportive but he choses not to be honest and I was his whipping post for his shame and guilt.

[rosannadanna]

It seems like you have two separate questions for your ex:

1.Have you been sexually abused?

2.Are you gay?

From your initial post, it seems like you see these issues as connected.  I don't think they are.  Being sexually abused doesn't make poeple gay, IMO.  They may have sexual identity issues and squishy sexual boundaries, but it doesn't "turn" people gay.

I think to heal from something you have to know exactly what you are healing from though. When he goes into his depressions and says that he has thoughts that he doesn't want to think about, it would help to know what he's dealing with. If it is sexual abuse, he needs to know that what he feels is to be expected and that he was in no way responsible for what happenned.

He may not remember the sexual abuse, so he may really not have an answer for you concerning that issue.  If he is in fact gay, he may not expicitly "know" that either, so again, he may not have an answer.

Take care

[November_Rain]

It seems like you have two separate questions for your ex:

1.Have you been sexually abused?

2.Are you gay?

From your initial post, it seems like you see these issues as connected.  I don't think they are.  Being sexually abused doesn't make poeple gay, IMO.  They may have sexual identity issues and squishy sexual boundaries, but it doesn't "turn" people gay.

I meant that I at one time thought there was a possibility of being gay. I no longer think that. There were just some things as I decribed above that struck me as odd that made me think that, but the more I have read on BPD and men that are survivors of sexual abuse, I have to wonder if he was really ever abused and that is the cause of his self-hate and depression and thoughts of suicide. That's why I posted a new topic to see if others who have a BPDbf or husband has dealt with these same issues.